My mother did not pass as peaceful as possible like I told everyone.

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

It was a horrible, traumatic ending to her life and I cannot sleep at night because all I do is relive the last three hours of her life. She fought so damn hard for every last breath, literally sitting upright in her bed, gasping and gasping even though oxygen was being pushed into her lung. (She only had one lung, and the pneumonia had taken over. They did a chest x-ray and said the entire lung was white.)

She suffocated to death in my arms. Her eyes were wide open. That image also haunts me.

She was in and out of consciousness which was the toughest part. If she had been "out of it" I could've handled it better, but she knew what was happening. I felt so HELPLESS. I couldn't help her breathe.

I couldn't save her.

I couldn't save my father or my brothers either. They all died and I couldn't do anything to save them. Survivor's guilt maybe?

Suffocation is a big trigger for me. After witnessing my loved ones overdosing on heroin as a young kid, I am very hypervigilant about people breathing. Sometimes I lie awake at night listening to make sure my husband is breathing. If I don't hear him, I give him a push.

There is a certain sound that people make when they overdose. It's not the same sound my mother was making, but it was close. When you wake up in the middle of the night and hear it coming from your teenage brother(s)blue lips and watch his (their) chests HEAVING as their body fights to get air, it kinda sticks with you. If I had been an adult I might've handled it better?

I'm sorry. I think part of why I didn't share the truth was because I wanted to give my mother some dignity in her last hours. But it wasn't pretty and I can't shake it. After everything my mother went through in her life with her husband dying and my two brothers, battling breast and lung cancer, it just didn't seem fair that she couldn't die peacefully.

If you read this, please don't feel obligated to answer it. I just needed to let someone know the truth.

[Sled Chick]

Your post is just so sad. And there is nothing anyone can do. Life doing its thing. I really think this is one of those situations that just needs time. So sorry for your loss and the trauma involved.

[RACEKA]

I'm so sorry for the suffering you and your mother endured. My heart goes out to you.

I don't understand why she had to suffer like that. Why wasn't there something the hospital could have done? That had to be so painful to watch.

She's free of all pain now.

Thanks SledChick and RACEKA.

The hospital pumped her full of morphine and told me her struggle was the body's natural reaction fighting for oxygen. They said it's like if you held someone under water, the body would naturally fight to free itself to get air.

They were very good. Every time I asked for more morphine they were right there. They also assured me she was totally sedated and unconscious but I had a hard time accepting that because her eyes kept opening.

[madisgram]

((((((((((OB)))))))))))
i totally understand how you feel. my mother had breast cancer at age 60 that mestasized to her liver and bones. her death was not pretty either. my one word description of it would be the word violent. at one point we had to go out in the yard, taking turns doing this-my sisters and me. one feels powerless over the situation. and we are powerless over death. and it hurts to know our very special mother did not die peacefully or painlessly.
thank you for the courage to share this with us about your mom and you. i can't recall if you see a t but i strongly urge you to talk with someone. someone that can help you put the pain, loss and grief in perspective. the pain will be there but it helps to have a supportive irl person to talk to.
my father who i adored dropped dead before me at age 45. i will never forget that event either. my brother told me to run get a blanket. he was doing cpr on my father at the time. when i went to put the blanket on my father i told myself, don't look at his face, but i did anyway. it was not a sight i feel i should describe here. he had been sick with heart disease since he was 35 and at age 40 they said he had at the most 5 years to live. he loved life so much....he lived exactly 5 years after that death foretelling. i am still saddened by telling this to you. i miss him and my mom every day. some of us have felt tremendous loss many times over in such a short time. just know that i care about you and will keep you in my prayers daily, jme. i will ask that your soul be relieved of torment and pain. i will ask for you to find some peace in all this.

Dearest (((orange)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
It is one of the hardest things in life to watch. Your right it sticks with you. The noise is something you never ever forget.
My Dad had one whole lung as your mom. He went the same way. I can tell you his eyes were open, but he himself was not there. The morphine does work. I hope that helps ease it some for you.
My Mom and Father inlaw went some what the same way. I sat with all 3 of them. I understand where you are coming from.
There is nothing i can say to take it away for you.
Yes its called surviors guilt. Your right you could not save her. It was her time.
I felt the same way with all i have lost. It took me forever to come to a place where I knew it was not my fault. ((hope that makes sense))
Im sorry if i went on to much about how i have dealt with it. Its the only way I know how.
I hear your pain. I know you hurt. I wish my magic wand could make it leave. I can't ((((orange)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
please know i care. and you matter very much.
muffy

[mysterytour]

i'm sure that your arms around her in her worst moments was some comfort to her.....i'm so sorry that she had such a hard time......love you friend

i miss him and my mom every day. some of us have felt tremendous loss many times over in such a short time.

((( madisgram )))

My dad died young too. He was only 42. I also have that "last awful memory." He had cancer of the spine which supposedly traveled to his brain. He was very viloent towards the end.

One of my brothers died at age 38 from an overdose of heroin. He had been clean eight years.

My other brother died from AIDS from needle use. He was 42, like my dad.

He wasted away to nothing but skin and bones. It's one of those images I can't seem to shake either.

My mom survived breast cancer only to get lung cancer (not related). They said she was at high risk for recurrence within five years but she lived another ten years before it came back.

I am thankful for that.

Thanks everyone, for you support, understanding and comforting words.

[cantstopcrying]

((((((((((((((((((((orange)))))))))))))))))))) All I can do is offer hugs and a shoulder to cry on and an ear (eye) to listen (read).

[phoenix7]

((((Orangelossom)))

Im glad you told us - that must have been eating away at you - probably still is - but I hope that telling and feeling the caring here helps a bit -

my dads cancer went to his lungs and well it was bad - it had gone all around his body so ... it got bad... I spoke to my mum the day before she died - they said she had been upset - I always wonder if it was somthing i had said - i'll never know -

but you feel that you should have saved them - that if only you had done this or that they would have survived - somehow its your fault - its not - I dont know if you hear that - but its not you did all you could to make her passing as easy as it could be - you have had so much sadness - I wish I could help but I only have words and and I know thats not enough - know that I am thinking of you and hoping things improve for you - Im so sorry -no-one should have to go through what you have been through

but you feel that you should have saved them - that if only you had done this or that they would have survived

I did save them on more than one occassion. The ambulance coming to haul someone away on a stretcher because they were ODing was a common sight. DOA was a term I learned early in life.

I've never really slept since I was a kid because I always had one eye open and one foot hanging off the side of the bed so I could react quicker when needed. I still sleep that way. I saved the house from going up in flames more than once too. Saved my brother from burning to death in bed from a cigarette. He was so out of it he wouldn't wake up.

I was just a kid (the youngest and only girl) but I was the "oldest" and most responsible one in the family. Even more so than my mother, who liked her whiskey a bit too much back then.

I did the best I could saving them, starting when I was eleven years old. I gave them all another chance at life at one time or another. They chose their paths.

I've often wondered which task was the reason for me to be here on this earth. To save them or bury them? Why else would I have to go through that?

Thanks for listening everyone, and for the shoulders and kleenex when I need it.

[phoenix7]

maybe now its time to save you to take care of you

[Luce]

Oh Orange... that must have been so soul tearing to witness.

You know what? I know you feel guilt at not being able to help or save her, but at that point there was nothing that ANYONE could do. You gave her such an amazing gift by simply being there with her. It must have been so incredibly hard for you to sit there and witness her final struggle, but you did it. It was the only thing that could be done, and it was done by you.

There should be no guilt in that, hun. I think that being there with another as they transition to death is one of the greatest gifts any of us can give anyone.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Orange)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Telling the truth is freeing, even though it hurts. Telling the truth is the beginning of healing.

My T has told me when I haven't been ready to tell him the "whole story" about things that we tell when we are ready to. You weren't ready to until now, and that's okay.

Sending love and hugs and as many kleenex as you need.

[Zorah]

Darling (((((((((((OB)))))))))))))

Peace be with you, no-one can save them all

They have peace now, love, even if we don't

We must try to take comfort from the fact that they have peace now

If we can ever help, please PM us or email

All our love & sitting with you in spirit

[Sannah]

Wow Orange, you had too much responsibility when you were a child. I am so sorry that you had to do all that. Like Phoenix said, maybe now it is time to take care of you?

[turquoisesea]

Orange Blossom, I'm glad you were able to share that, and get it off your chest.

I'm so sorry, for everything you've had to do, for all the suffering you and your family has gone through.

I wish I could give you these hugs in person... wish I could do more to help...

Thanks for the cyber hugs everyone.

I'm starting to get myself in a twist because I have to give a seminar in a few days. It's only in front of 50 people but I'm in no shape.

Time to hit the Klonopin.

I'm also nervous about going to see my hem-onc tomorrow. I haven't seen him since July. I was supposed to see him in September, November, and January but because my life was consumed with the cancer center, CT scans and radiation treatments for my mom, I had to keep canceling my appointments. I had my labs done last week (first time since July) and my counts are a mess.

[turquoisesea]

(((((((((((((((((Orangeblossom)))))))))))))))))

try to take things one step at a time

Sorry i dont have more advice, but want you to know I'm thinking of you

[phoenix7]

I hope your appointment goes well - and that your seminar goes well - I always found it more scary befoer the event than actually talking in front of people - not that ive done that much thank heavens! - take care and

Thanks TS and phoenix. I'm always a nervous wreck before both of these things and I'm sure the emotional frame of mind I'm in isn't helping.

I'll keep you posted. Today I'm going through and cleaning out some of my mother's stuff. I'm doing it little by little.

Hugs to you both.

[BlueFaith]

((((( Orange Blossom ))))) Lots of love and hugs to you.

((( Jenn with two nn's )))

Well, I'm off to do the seminar thing. I feel like I'm walking to the electric chair.