[NuckingFutz]

Just writing here is difficult. Although I haven't been formally diagnosed with post tramatic stress disorder (I'm a veteran and don't want to um, lose benefits because it is a personality disorder...)

Anyway, this PTSD I believe is a direct result of my upbringing. I was adopted into a family where I sustained over an extended period of time, psycological abuse from my adoptive mother (long story, I was part of a package deal with my two biological sisters.

I've had sustained periods where I am feeling normal, but lately, it's like spending you life feeling like a deer staring into the headlites of an oncoming MAC truck. I'm scared of the world.

I'm on meds that help. I'm about to try some healing through Buddhist medidation and beliefs (this has helped me greatly before). Since I started experiencing the abuse at a preverbal stage, sometimes I have trouble dumping this part of my crappy past and getting on with life.

I am in the process of applying for social security disability insurace. I just started the process, so I expect that it will take some time to go through the process (years I hear). I based it on my bipolar illness as well as several physical minor handicaps.

I have the housing and the food thing covered. I also have a roommate that takes care of the everyday stuff right now because some days, I just can't seem to get out of bed.

I guess I just need encouragement and see if anyone could relate to any of this.

I feel like I had a former self that was strong, productive, made some ok money. Kinda miss that me, but I guess I'll have to make friends with the new me....whomever that might turn out to me.

I started practicing Buddhism and that has helped a lot...as long as I worked at it. I'm also going to find some info on PTSD and read about it.

Is there any hope for someone like me?

Primarily, my PTSD reacts strongly to strong negative emotions such as other people's rage, their anger, as well as having some negative thoughts running around in this old head of mine.

[Sannah]

Hi NF, welcome! Do you think that your reactions to other's anger etc. can be traced back to your adoptive mom? I think that there is a lot of hope for you! I recovered from my anxiety by understanding myself really well and doing a lot of problem solving where I had issues.

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Just writing here is difficult. Although I haven't been formally diagnosed with post tramatic stress disorder (I'm a veteran and don't want to um, lose benefits because it is a personality disorder...)

Hi NF,

Sorry to hear you're going through so much. I hope things get better for you soon.You might want to reconsider getting an official diagnosis, though. Early treatment is key to recovery.

If the only thing stopping you is because you think it's a personality disorder, I have good news. It's actually classified as an anxiety disorder.

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topic...sd/index.shtml

http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/di...anxietydis.htm

http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/ptsd.htm

[Gabby2007]

hi NF,
Although the events of our lives are quite different, there are aspects of your story that I can relate to: my parents both died when I was a kid, my two oldest sibs left and went out on their own, and I was passed around to three separate homes with my brother (regretfully).

There are many very practical safety things that trigger stress for me, there is not a day goes by when my husband and three teens walk out the door that I tell myself that I might not see them again...I take very little for granted, what's the point of being optimistic? I'm rather fanatical about safety (seatbelts, etc.)...and I see the fruits of my anxiety as it passes to my children.

During my teen years I lived in a very controlling abusive blended family, and I tell you, those five years did a lifetime of damage, mental/emotional abuse is so insidious!

I can't advise you regarding getting a formal diagnosis or how it plays out with SSD, but for me, it was a big part of healing, so simply have a name for something that I could hold apart from me and say 'oh, that makes sense, and 'oh, this is going to trigger', etc. a diagnosis made my reactions much more understandable, less shameful, it turned them into an event rather than being simply about me.

I didn't mean for this to get so long, and I'm glad to hear you have your practical needs met. Please hear that for me, getting dx, and then recognizing the triggers has helped immensely. What I was NOT prepared for was the generational triggers that i'm now trying to cope with...what I'm saying is that as I see my own kids go through the develpmental years, it triggers me to reflect what I was going through at the time.

my DD is 13, so I relive those abused years, my eldest son is 17, so I relive my last year at 'home' (I moved out on my own when I was 18)...

My mom died at 51, and just knowing that will be a big big trigger for me, when I keep thinking of how I'm about to outlive her, she had one more year and didn't know it, well, just knowing I'm living a trigger right now, helps it seem less about me and more about ptsd.

yes, NF there's great hope and alot of good stuff out there for you to grab hold of and just decide to be persistent about seeing what might work for you for today.

[phoenix7]

HI NF,

yes there is always hope - somtimes it just doesnt seem so - are you seeing a psychologist? or getting any help with this?

A great book with lots of info is The PTSD Handbook by GLenn Shiraldi - myabe your library would have it - it has a lot on the different parts of PTSD and how to cope with them

I guess really I just wanted to say Hi and welcome

[sky dancer]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Just writing here is difficult. Although I haven't been formally diagnosed with post tramatic stress disorder (I'm a veteran and don't want to um, lose benefits because it is a personality disorder...)

Anyway, this PTSD I believe is a direct result of my upbringing. I was adopted into a family where I sustained over an extended period of time, psycological abuse from my adoptive mother (long story, I was part of a package deal with my two biological sisters.

I've had sustained periods where I am feeling normal, but lately, it's like spending you life feeling like a deer staring into the headlites of an oncoming MAC truck. I'm scared of the world.

I'm on meds that help. I'm about to try some healing through Buddhist medidation and beliefs (this has helped me greatly before). Since I started experiencing the abuse at a preverbal stage, sometimes I have trouble dumping this part of my crappy past and getting on with life.

I am in the process of applying for social security disability insurace. I just started the process, so I expect that it will take some time to go through the process (years I hear). I based it on my bipolar illness as well as several physical minor handicaps.

I have the housing and the food thing covered. I also have a roommate that takes care of the everyday stuff right now because some days, I just can't seem to get out of bed.

I guess I just need encouragement and see if anyone could relate to any of this.

I feel like I had a former self that was strong, productive, made some ok money. Kinda miss that me, but I guess I'll have to make friends with the new me....whomever that might turn out to me.

I started practicing Buddhism and that has helped a lot...as long as I worked at it. I'm also going to find some info on PTSD and read about it.

Is there any hope for someone like me?

Primarily, my PTSD reacts strongly to strong negative emotions such as other people's rage, their anger, as well as having some negative thoughts running around in this old head of mine.

Hi there NF,

I'm so happy to see another practicing Buddhist. I was in long term retreat (2 plus years) when my PTSD terror started to surface. I came out of retreat and went to work--but unfortunately, the flashbacks, panic attacks and depression continued.

I was over reacting to everything. I had problems on three jobs, and was let go on two. Same theme--impatience with authority figures.

I'm currently in treatment with a psychologist under Victim Compensation--what brought the whole PTSD to full bloom was I was violently attacked by my neighbor after having had the police to my house three previous times with incidents with this guy.

The external injuries were minor-but I had to emergency move--sell my house--and I had just started a new job--which made me look like an employee with 'personal baggage'. Ironically enough, I was a case manager for a mental health program serving dual diagnosis felons.

I was in foster care as a child--both my parents were mentally ill and could not care for us. My mother was schizophrenic, not sure my fathers diagnosis but he attempted suicide many times finally succeeding in 1981. My foster aunt scapegoated me and physically and psychologicallly abused me. The mental torture was worse than the bruises I wore to school on a daily basis. She seemed to spend all day thinking of ways to 'break my spirit'. And she was a staunch Catholic, a pillar of the community, went to mass daily and had the priests over for dinner. She put make up on my bruises and sent me off to Catholic school. All the neighbors knew and no one did a thing.

I was too scared to tell the social worker the truth.

I was in two Catholic Charity foster homes, and in the care of two different aunts, and my grandmother before finally going to live with my dad and his boyfriend behind their beauty shop when I was in high school. They were closeted gays. My dad was a sex addict and alcoholic, and on a lot of meds for psych stuff. He had missed his 'little girl' and what he got instead was a pissed off teenager.

My uncle sexually molested me, but I stopped the abuse myself--and compared to the other problems I had the sexual abuse was the least of the damaging events in my life.

I didn't intend to make this 'all about me' but I just wanted to let you know I think we have a lot in common and I look forward to supporting you in your healing.

I do recommend seeing a therapist especially one who does EMDR.