[SweetCrusader]

***********This contains graphic images and may trigger!***********

As some of you probably know, I lost a VERY dear friend/romantic interest named Jon in a car accident on September 17. He was 25 years old and it was a MAJOR shock. The damage to his body was severe enough that I wasn't able to see his body before they closed the coffin. This disturbed me and sent me into a weird state of alternating between denial that he was really in there and then disturbing nightmares and intrusive images in my mind.

A friend of mine saw pictures taken at the accident scene and she told me that it was REALLY bad. I didn't much appreciate the details

After Jon died, I had nightmares where I saw him go from the Jon I knew and loved, in my arms, safe and healthy and warm. Suddenly he was covered in blood and dead. He was cold. Then I saw him, face and all, as a rotting corpse. SERIOUSLY grizzly disgusting images have been giving me nightmares and flashing into my mind without warning.

In addition, I developed and INTENSE fear that someone I love is going to die. And I won't know who, so there is no way I can spend time with them before and no way to prepare. But they will die. I also feared that their family wouldn't be able to contact me, so I would never know. Jon's family was unable to find my cell number and I had recently moved, so the apartment number they called was old. They had trouble finding me to tell me. I have had EXTREMELY high levels of anxiety over this and have been struggling to overcome it all.

November 17, one month to the VERY DAY after Jon died, my sister and dad rear-ended an SUV that had slammed on her brakes to avoid hitting some deer. My sister's car was totalled. My mom called me while my sister and dad were still at the accident scene and cops had not arrived (my sister called my mom from a cell phone). She had told me my dad was unconscious and my sister was bawling. They were okay, although the car was totaled. I saw pictures and it's pretty amazing they were okay. The windshield was shattered, they both hit the dash, the hood of the car was smashed up like a tin can. Needless to say, it was a rough night

Things were starting to get a little better for me psychologically when, in December, my mom was in a car accident. It was almost a head-on at 70 miles per hour, but she was able to swerve out of the other lane in time that she only ruined her driver's side door and blew out the window. I was VERY shaken up when I learned about this (on Christmas Eve, btw) and just cried and cried. She so easily could have died that day. I felt like any sense of security I had managed to gain since Jon's accident was a FALSE sense of security, and was now gone.

My grandma just called me and this morning my mom was in another car
accident. Totalled my grandpa's truck,but she is okay and VERY lucky to be. She seems to have injured her back and her right hand, but is otherwise fine. Coming home from work, she lost control of the truck on the ice and fishtailed. She wasn't able to stop it, and she ended up going into oncoming traffic. She was hit on the passenger side, otherwise she'd be dead, because the truck was almost folded in half at the point of impact. The other car involved was also totaled, but the woman wasn't seriously injured. She didn't see my mom in her lane until after they'd hit for some reason, so she was still going forward with full force.

I am a mess. I am just a complete mess. How can I ever stabilize after the death of Jon, when these things keep happening??

[Rapunzel]

((((((((Angela))))))))))

I'm glad that your mom is ok. Definitely, I can understand your anxieties with all that you have been through recently. I'm sorry that you have had such a hard time this year. It just isn't fair that so many things have happened to you in such a short period of time. My shoulder is available for you to cry on whenever you need it.
Wendy

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((((((( angela )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) honey, i just don't know how we put one trauma behind us when it's continually triggered by additional trauma...then it's added on top of this first.

i'm so sorry all this is happening. i wish i had advice, answers, insight or something like that for you. i CAN say that if you were you right now I would be MAJORLY freaked and scared. i can say that I think you're handling this SO well. you are so strong and brave. i know you don't feel like it right now, but you are. the only thing that i think might help you to feel better about this is for some time to pass without another accident and you're given time to heal and calm down about it.

i can only imagine how hard and scary this must be...the anxiety about accidents must be thru the roof for you

i hope you and yours can have some time to heal from this. until then, we're here for you when you're feeling scared and anxious.

also, i'm glad that your family is well after their accidents, and i'm VERY sorry for your loss last year.

(((((((((((((((((((((( angela ))))))))))))))))))))))))

[SweetCrusader]

My whole world feels made of straw and held together with tape

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((( angela )))))))))))))))))))))))

that tape is going to hold you together until you have the strength to once again hold yourself together...and you will.

sometimes the reality that someone we love so much could be so easily taken allows for great fear to settle in. it's a scary, vulnerable and helpless feeling i'm sorry you're there right now.

i'll never forget when my daughter's friend passed away in an accident. I, as a mother, about lost it thinking "that could've happened to her". i almost couldn't fuction for a while...from fear. when i think of it, i still have that fear.

however, you're not only dealing with the fear like that. every time something happens, i think it's opening that door to grief of losing someone you loved so much. you're dealing with both at the same time can you give t a call?

i hope time heals you quickly friend. until then, we're here for you.

love,

[SweetCrusader]

kd, it's not just the death and the all the accidents. i feel like i've been to hell and back in my life this year.

thank you for the sympathy and caring. you are a doll

thanks ozzie and rap as well

i'm so sad

no i can't call t, kd

Angela

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((( angela )))))))))))))))))))))

warm, safe hugs.

[wisewoman]

Angela, sorry this has been such a rough time. No one knows when life and death meet but we must know how to live. It is important to not leave things unsaid and to appreciate that death is a part of life. I am going to say something really strange here, especially for a young woman of your age to hear. I have been comforted by the thought of loved ones bodies decomposing and returning to the earth. It is a body. Our culture makes air tight vaults and 50 year guarantes on caskets and leakage. How silly. You friend Jon came from the earth, from the great spirit and we each have our paths in life. He needs to go back to the earth and act as a silent guide to you in your life. Near death stuff is really hard but try to change it your mind that all of us are near death. It is but a light switch. It is a part of life. Leave nothing unsaid and love strongly. It is our love and actions that count in the long run. Try not to be frightened. Be at peace with the knowing that death happens. Please tell your mom how you feel and know that Jon is safely burried and his body is doing what nature intends. His spirit will always be with you.

[SweetCrusader]

sorry for being so dramatic. i'm sure i'll be fine

[SS8282]

(((((((((Angela)))))))))) First, I'm glad your mom is ok. Second, you are NOT being dramatic. Your feelings are real and justified.

All these car accidents with Jon and your family can certainly be traumatic. Always wondering when it's going to happen next, and with whom. It can scare anyone from either driving or being in a car.

Not seeing Jon after his death left you with no closer, and that is *probably* one of the reasons (aside from the suddeness) why you have nightmares. There was no 'closure'. To make things worse, all these other car accidents occured so closely together - time-wise.

Not being able to 'control' anything about the accidents can make a person feel helpless.

How 's your family? Are they ok?

I know from my own experience how car accidents can traumatize people. The after-effects are also traumatic - dealing with injuries, insurance, the fear of being in another accident, driving, etc.

Give yourself time - that helped a lot (for me). I'm here if you want to talk. Take care.

[Rapunzel]

((((((((((Angela)))))))))))))

Just one more hug. There's more where that came from. I wish I could do more for you.

Love,
Wendy

[wisewoman]

Angela, don't be sorry, I don't understand that. I am sorry you are suffering. I know you are fighting a hard battle.

[(JD)]

WOW (((((((hugs))))))) that is a LOT of stuff to deal with, all with car accidents! OMG! I would, of course, be just as afraid as you are... of course your family has already gone way over the odds... ok? SO really now, it "should" be behind them and you...

Driving a car is a big responsibility, and is more dangerous than flying... but I'm more afraid of flying right now... however, after reading your post, I'm thinking it might be a good thing? Maybe even a helicopter??? Sigh. Sorry.

Do your best. We are already hypervigilant due to the PTSD... and we need to realize this, and well, do our best.

[ktp]

((((((((((Angela))))))))))) sweetheart,
I am so sorry for all you're going through. wish I could take it away for you.

take care of my friend,
Kimberly

[Mahali]

(((((Angela))))) Know that we care so much for you and are sending warm comforting thoughts your way.

It is so good that your family is OK. I am so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard to be going through this.

There is nothing that can be said to take away your pain and fears but anything that I can do will be done just for the asking. Please feel free to ask.

Sending you warm thoughts and safe *hugs* always.

Kim (One too I am sure)