Making mistakes and owning up to them...

I put the trigger icon on for those who might be in a rough place right now. I'm not sure how triggering it is, but I might have avoided it under certain circumstances, so here we are.

I know a number of you have been where I am right now. I did something stupid and have to tell T about it in my next session. Basically, I OD'd, but I knew it wasn't enough to kill me. It was for self-harm, but I've never used that method before. I can't explain the reasons for the switch, and I can't promise him that I won't do it again (I don't want to. I tell myself I won't, but I told myself I wouldn't ever do something like that before, too. I feel very out of control right now...i've been in sort sort of a rough patch that has been going on for a month or so)

My question is...have you ever had to "face the music" in this sense? How did your T react? I'm really scared that he's going to be a.) disappointed b.) worried or c.) all of the above. I'm afraid of what he's going to say...maybe he'll think he can't help me anymore, and send me away? I know these are those types of fears we all have, and they're probably not going to happen, but maybe they could?

Hi Embrace,
I just had to tell my T exactly the same thing today.
(Actually, my situation is so much like yours it's kind of giving me the creeps.)

I think she was disappointed, and she said she felt 'helpless', which made me feel like I worried her and I felt bad for that.

She said she thought maybe I needed a 'higher level of care', and asked me what I thought. I said NO WAY.

She didn't make me promise not to do it again, but she did say I am very strong and I need to put my strength into using "life-affirming" coping skills, as opposed to the bad ones, such as SI and others.

Last week I had to tell her about an incident that is more typical for me (cutting), and I did kind of 'feel her out' to see if she would terminate me. She guessed there was something I wasn't telling her, and she asked what was the worst thing that could happen if I did tell her. I said the worst thing is that she could decide not to see me anymore. She said whatever it was we would work through it. So I told her that time too. Maybe that's what made me feel a little better about telling her today. But I still get the feeling that I may be on my way out.
IMO, it can only help to be 100% honest in therapy, and to safely disclose as much as you can.
Best of luck to you.....

(((embrace))))

I just went thru the same thing last week. I lied and told T I only had sui ideation and that I would never go that far...I never told her I actually came pretty close to OD'ing or and a few other things I should have told her.... I told her last week and she looked disappointed. Im wondering now if she is angry. She didn't say anything about it--she just asked questions regarding it. I felt so bad when I withheld this info a couple of months ago and when I finally told her last week....

I am sure your T will be gentle with you and won't give up on you. My T always reminds me that she hears A LOT of stuff on a daily basis and nothing will surprise her. That's it's okay to tell her and nothing will happen except maybe a discussion about it. maybe your T will help you to realize and utilize other coping skills to distract you. I can't say your T won't be disappointed, but I am sure your T will show nothing but understanding and caring and concerned for you.

Let us know how it goes....if you want

I didn't want to tell my T about my flashback a few weeks ago. I had a suicidal plan in college, but chose not to do it because I decided I wanted to live, but I didn't want the pain. I didn't want to tell her about it, because she might think I am suicidal now and toss me in the loony bin. It was a freaky experience to have while shopping in the grocery store.

I was getting up the courage to tell her in my session, but hadn't said anything yet. I told my T about my family's attitude towards mental illness, and how my grandfather was actively suicidal once...and my family just told him he was being irresponsible and selfish. Nobody helped him. (I didn't know at the time, or I would have gotten him help. He didn't succeed in dying and is okay now). I completely dissociated and had a flashback in front of the T. I was basically telling my T everything going on in my head the day I had decided to die. I thought she was going to freak out on me.

She didn't. She was very nice and supportive. She got the point that I wasn't suicidal now, but was just reliving the past experience. I was so worried she would say I was beyond freaky and couldn't be helped,but that wasn't true.

The point is that you need to tell the T about the self harm. If you hide the problems from the T, they cannot help you. You deserve help. You are worth it.

my sister did a similar thing last year - OD'd but not with the intent of suicide.

her pdoc and therapist didn't terminate her .

it is difficult facing people who care about us when we know we have let ourselves down. but hopefully your T will work with you to towards gaining "life affirming skills" (like ktgirl said, which is great) and not make you feel even more bad.

i told pdoc last week that i have been wanting to self harm, but haven't yet, as i am scared i won't have control over it this time and will do serious damage. he offered to see me more often (i already see him once a week), and also asked that i send him a message to let him know how i'm travelling in 5 days (that would be today. hmm). he also said i could take some meds he's given me before to help take the edge off the urge.

it did help, because now i have 3 things i can do before i need to self harm.

I've gone through this before w/ SI. I was terrified that my T was going to terminate me. But instead she helped me. She was able to separate out the SI verses suicidal action. While I did dance around the issue at first, I felt better after admitting it. I hope your appointment goes well.

I had to go through similar situation last year. I OD'ed thnight before appt with T, went to work the next day and to T in the evening. I looked terrible, it was so obvious something happened. We talked about, she didn't freak out and even wasn't dissapointed, we just had a bussines like converstion about how, what and why, all in a vert calm and warm tone. I was still a little too suicidal to talk about why's so we talked about what to do to avoid this this happening again the next day. It wasn't scary at all, the scariest part was saying what I did.

Wow, what a great post. Yes, I have been there with my therapist. I was still feeling uncertain about myself and then I was also worried about his reaction when I went to talk about him. I live with this feeling of shame, never feeling good enough and a sense that I am a failure so I was sure that he was going to finally confirm that by telling me he could not work with me and could not help. The thing is that he really did not react. He was more interested in what was going on and what caused me to take that many pills.
That feeling of out of control you mentioned is so scary and in that moment I know for me anything can happen. I go into a dark place of wanting to escape and it happened a few weeks ago. I took enough pills to not hurt myself but enough to escape.

I was already disappointed with myself and he let me know that his position was not to pass judgement but to try to help me understand my actions and find a way through them so that I can start feeling better about myself to live with purpose and clarity.

At least for me I have chosen a therapist that has been around for a while. I am not the first person to tell him things and won't be the last. It's hard for me to remember that when I am scared about coming him and talking but he calmness reasures me everytime.

Your post was insightful in that maybe you are feeling those ways about yourself, I know that for me taking too many pills or SI'ing is a way for me to give up on myself and feel my own dissapointment. I was just projecting that onto him.

Please keep us posted on what happens.

Thank you for your replies, everyone (((hugs)))
My appointment is Thursday, and I will definitely be telling him, but I am still really nervous. I am glad that it worked out okay for all of you who have replied about this situation...that does make me feel a little better.

DoggyBonz and Kt, you really spoke to my heart, and I think you really underlined a lot of what I'm feeling. It is amazing to me how others can just "get it" and know it and feel it. I'm sure we all feel alone in our pain sometimes, and it's easy to forget that there are others here too.

embrace whn I had to tell my T about self harm _ I was sure she would be disgusted wiht me , disappointed, and or angry - she wasnt - she was supportive and said that it was actually a win because I hadnt goen as far as I had wanted to - she said she didint want me to do it again and she would help me find other ways to cope but that she understood why I had done it and why it might re-occur - it was quite a relief! I thought she would let me go - she didnt

let us know how you go