[chaotic13]

Here is a question for everyone. What is safe touch to you? Why is it so important?

I've been thinking about this lately and have been questioning why I want it.

I think safe touch superfically means to me...physical contract that has NO possibility of leading to sex or "a happy ending".

How do you define it? Why do you think you want it?

[Elysium]

I consider safe touch to be any touch that is wanted and doesn't hurt in any way; not emotionally or physically. I also agree that it is safe if it has no way of leading to sex, but I understand that there is safe sexual touch...it does exist...just not for me.

It is difficult though, because someone, like a husband or partner could be wanting to touch us with the most purest intentions, but if we are in a dark place and don't want that touch it can become a not safe touch.

Communication is paramount. If we all communicate with each other when we know that touch can be an issue, we could alleviate some of the hurt that can come with touch, and make it more therapeutic for ourselves.

[3velniai]

Safe touch? It exists? Wow... It really does? wow...

[hangingon]

I think of safe touch as a touch that you want to happen. That only goes as far as you want, and that you accept without feeling any obligation.
I think it's important in that you have control over it.
I want it because its just that, safe, something I want, so it feels good.

[chaotic13]

3velniai...
I'm going to take your comment literally... Well because..until I had my children, I don't think I really comprehended all the different types of touch.

So if you having trouble visualizing a potentially safe touch situation... maybe start with visualizing entering a "normal" home with small children. Can you sit in the center of a room with small children (1-4 year olds) and not encounter touch at some point? Consider all the different types of touch that occurs in just a few hours in that home. Let's for the sake of this thread AVOID thinking about inappropriate sexual touching. How would you define distinguish between..that touch is OK (safe). Oh, no that touch is NOT OK (not safe touch)?

Then if you are a person who is looking for safe touch...why do you think you are looking for it?

[anna342]

I don't like anyone touching me really, it shocks me if they do and makes me feel uncomfortable.

[chaotic13]

OK... Anna, so right at this moment no touch is safe to you. Let your imagination run wild. Imagine that you have complete supreme control and have the power to create safe touch for yourself. What is it like? How would completely safe touch actual feel to you? How would your skin feel? How would it make you feel on the inside (i.e.in your chest, in your stomach, in your throat,in your heart, whereever)? How would the voice in your head respond to it (if you have one of those--or in my case a few of them, LOL). You have the ability to create it anyway you want to. Discribe it.

[darkrunner]

I would agree with what most people have said, and I also want to add that just because someone 'wants' to be touched doesn't necessarily make it safe....the example I am thinking of would be exploitation or abuse by a medical or mental health professional or clergy.

Safe touch does NOT involve someone in a position of power who is using the touch for their own gratification. (Position of power can be either physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, etc)

[Amazonmom]

I want safe touch because it is comforting, and makes me feel like less of a freak.

I don't like people who don't know me well touching me. I have a huge personal space, and get really pissed if someone violates it.

If it's someone I know well, hugs and stuff like that are perfectly fine with me. I really don't want my T touching me...eye contact is hard enough for now!

[anna342]

I remember when me and my mum used to hug or hold hands and it felt safe and loving.

But right now, anyone but her and a few other close relatives, I can't even imagine being touched and feeling ok about it. In my mind it just feels wrong for them to do that. I've not been bought up like that or anything, I guess its just another aspect of not feeling too great in myself.

[chaotic13]

Anna...Great! To you safe touch feels like what you mum provided.It was safe and loving...don't stop keep that line of thought going...what did safe feel like? What made you feel like it was loving? On the surface of the skin and deep inside? What made that particular touch situation touch a positive experience?

I have a lot of safe touch with T. Probably similar to the type of touch a parent and child have.

I tend to sit sideways on the couch with my knees pulled up and my feet on the cushion, and sometimes when he sits on the couch, my toes touch his leg. It doesn't feel like anything except a point of connection, but a comfortable one. T holds my hand if I am sad OR if I just want to connect, and it feels safe and good. We hug at the end of session. Really, we touch a lot.

I think the reason it feels safe is because there is no sexual undertones in the room, there is no threat of being hurt physically, and we spent a long, long, long, long time working up to the level of safe touch that we have.

We've talked about it quite a bit (we don't much anymore, although we will sometimes "check in" around it). It's just about comfort and connection, and that feels safe and good to me.

[chaotic13]

OK...I have a lot of the same requirements mentioned so far. Here is one that may set me a part from others...and is very difficult for me to even type. Safe touch does not cause ME to fear being aroused.It's slightly warm on my skin but has a calming effect. It lowers the ossilating frequency of my cells (sorry I'm ADHD so I can't describe it to others well).

Safe touch also does not automatically demand reciprocation...simply encourages acceptance at whatever level I choose.

[sunrise]

I think safe touch would be touch that makes neither of the people feel uncomfortable or that harms their relationship in any way.

An example of unsafe touch from my past: when I was an undergrad, one of my professors would touch me whenever I had to go to his office to go over an assignment with him. He would somehow manage to try to put his arm around me as he hovered close to read my paper over my shoulder. Or he would stand next to me so close that our bodies touched. And when I moved away, somehow, he would do it again. This made me very uncomfortable so it was not "safe" for me. Yet, the actual touches he did give me (arm around shoulder, shoulders and arms touching, etc.) were not in and of themselves "unsafe" because if I had received physically identical touches from a friend, boyfriend, or family member, I probably would have considered them "safe." It was the feelings of uncomfortableness, inappropriateness, and unwantedness that made them unsafe to me. This unwanted touch did harm my relationship with this man, because it made me never want to talk to him or go to his office, and my grade suffered because of this.

[(JD)]

I see many good answers to this already! I'd like to add some ideas about how safe touch feels...
think of a hand shake, a greeting with nothing else involved but a courtesy hello.
think of a high five hand slap, that shows only agreement and entails nothing else
think of guys and their slap on the back, congrats
think of a shoe toe tap to your friend under the table to get her attention to see what you see...

I think those can be examples of basic safe touches.

[chaotic13]

Safe touch feels supportive but not restricting, restraining, overpowering.

Safe touch internally draws you in closer.

Safe touch doesn't hurt on any level.

KTGirl... I liked your point about it not just being desired... It has to also be in both people's best interest.

However gratification is another aspect. I think safe touch can be gratifying for both the giver and the reciever on some levels. But, IDK maybe gratification is not the primary reason its given. I'm just thinking sometimes when I comfort one of my children. The touch is given with the intent of helping THEM. But in the end when I am successful and able to comfort them...I feel good inside. In this way, I actually benefited from the exchange too.

[jeNeTeConnaisPas]

i cant stand touch in any form. even if female friends hug me i automatically dissociate until im not being touched anymore.

i wonder if i can ever learn physical comfort?

[(JD)]

I think a hug, even from a "FRIEND" can be intrusive. If she's really a friend, you might try to tell her how it doesn't have the warm fuzzy effect she may think it does, and that you'd rather she didn't.

[shadowtan]

jeNeTeConnaisPas, I do the same thing. I get horribly angry then wonder what I did wrong to make them think it was ok to touch me. One woman at work hugged me a year ago and I still resent her.

[phoenix7]

I long to be held safe and warm and protected in someone I trusts arms - I want to snuggle up and feel that someone cares and loves me - I know that would feel wonderful - trouble is I will never let anyone that close - sometimes protecting yourself does harm

safe touch to me .... is no touch

[cmac13]

Safe touch for me is laying in bed with my husband's arms wrapped around me until I fall asleep
Safe touch are hugs from my grown sons
Safe touch are hugs from my therapist - she holds me tight and says things to make me feel cared for

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by jeNeTeConnaisPas

i wonder if i can ever learn physical comfort?

I've been wondering this a lot lately. Part of me thinks this is because...I'm actually making progress in therapy. Last year, I would have said..."There is no such thing as safe touch for me." But I don't think that is true anymore. I have experienced it in the 1st person. AND I liked it! I just don't know what all when into making it "safe" for me.

Last summer I remember one evening while camping my youngest (8 at the time) was overtired and had retreated to the cabin where he just laid down on the bed and started crying. He was upset, didn't want others to see him cry so he hid himself. That evening I entered that cabin, quietly called him out of hiding, helped him settle down and rub his back until he finally drifted off to sleep. This was safe touch. I remember thinking as he lay sleeping, It is amazing how he was able to just lay down beside me openly sobbing and let me comfort him. I wondered if there was ever a time in my life where I was comfortable enough with someone to drift off to sleep with them rubbing my back.

Safe touch exists. I don't ever recall feeling as safe and as accepting as my son did that night, but I have felt glimpses of it. Somehow, its recently occurred to me that maybe it it possible for me to learn how to experience it. Then again...maybe its too late.

[hangingon]

Chaotic,
Thats such a sweet story. I can relate to not ever having a time that I remember feeling safe like that, not even with my parents.

I believe that we can learn, but it may take time. Sounds to me like you have growth in that area in just recognizing it.
I don't think it's impossible to want and need that and to learn to accept it in time.

[chaotic13]

IDK... I seem to keep flipping back and forth on my opinion of whether it is possible for me to really feel comfortable and actually enjoy being touch. The logical side of me thinks YES, absolutely, this situation is not hopeless. You just need a Touch Integration Plan.LOL It is a simple matter of desensitizing yourself to stimuli that trigger you and then provide an abundance of positive touch stimuli to challenge previous assumptions and re-write expectations. Unlearning a response is possible. Then there is a not so logical part of me that says... I don't think so, this issue is to complex, to intangled with other issues, if you haven't achieved it at this point, it likely isn't achieveable.

I sounds pretty delusional, don't I?

[searchingmysoul]

Originally Posted by chaotic13

You just need a Touch Integration Plan

.

This cracks me up...I need a whole lot of "integration plans"... Is there a "trust integration plan" that we could develop?

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Then there is a not so logical part of me that says... I don't think so, this issue is to complex, to intangled with other issues, if you haven't achieved it at this point, it likely isn't achieveable.
I sounds pretty delusional, don't I?

I waiver back and forth on this stuff too...

I don't have an answer for your first question except for to say that safe touch is probably quite subjective and contextual and probably runs on a continuum...

(((Chaotic)))