What is Safe Touch Anyway?

YEP, made a few of those in all my spare time at 2 am. LOL

This makes SOOOOOOOOOOO much sense to me. People like to pick me up (like, physically PICK ME UP so my feet aren't touching the floor). H loves to do it and thinks it is very playful. My oldest son, who is 12, is much bigger than me, and now he likes to do it. There are few things more triggering to me than being picked up. honestly, my fantasy is to be made of LEAD so I can be small and incredibly heavy at the same time. I took a klonopin tonight and even with that, my heart is racing just typing about this.

I've been thinking about doing a desensitizaion thing around it. I talked to H about it this morning. Like, maybe when I feel ready, I can TELL him to pick me up, but he has to put me down right when I say. And then if I can ever cope with THAT, he could ask me first, pick me up, and put me down when I say,etc,etc,etc, etc, until we get to the point where he can playfully pick me up without me completely losing my mind.

Kind of sounds like your plan. Of course, touch actually IS an issue that comes up a lot in everyday life, picking up, not so much (except apparently in my life). At least he has agreed to STOP doing it for now.

I used to have a really, really, really, really hard time with touch. Then I joined AA. OMG. THE HUGS! Those people are huggers. It was so hard and uncomfortable for me at first, but over time, it's become a positive thing. I can share really nice hugs with people and it feels comforting and connecting instead of scary. And obviously T and I have worked a LOT on touch - to the point where we can be in physical contact for most of a session and it just feels good and safe and connecting.

So, my point is, I do think the desensitization thing can work. You don't sound delusional to me at all!

IDK. Today I realized...this is not the first time I've gone to extreme measures to attempt to address my fear of physical intimacy. Maybe attempting to explore safe touch is just another elaborate way to avoid the intimacy component of touch.

I have gone through this thread a few times now before answering. I have had issues with touch, going from where no touch felt safe, to where I am now. Now safe touch for me is. . .
- Only when I want it.
- Comforting.
-Only people I know really well and trust.
- Never from behind
-Never in a way that I don't have an escape route.
-Not sexual.
-Warm.

But this is all subject to change from moment to moment. And it always has to be on my terms. Sometimes I want to be comforted (by a hug), while at the same time don't want to be touched.

I always wonder if I will ever be able to be in a romantic relationship. If I will ever be able to trust someone enough, if they wont be turned off or wont be willing to wait for me to be comfortable.

Safe touch to me is....

- Hugging family and friends
- Kissing my daughter on the cheek or head

Intimacy is one of my biggest struggles. I have always been self-conscious and have never been comfortable with being touched or looked at. In the 14 years I've been married, my husband has never even seen me totally naked. (He's seen the important parts though, LOL)

I am very triggered by his touch, in a negative way. I've created boundaries that he has always tried to test which made it hard to trust him when touching did occur. My T says that I have been in that relationship for so long, it will take me some time to feel safe again. The thing is, I was like that before I ever even met my husband....I'm assuming the SA in the past had a part to play.

I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable enough, safe enough, to allow myself to be that vulnerable and open with someone else. It just doesn't seem possible.

Googley...I hear you about always needing an escape route, me too.

Mixed-up, I think I needed to include a clause on my marriage vowel--response to touch subject to change without notice.

Not sure what it was but I had a rough night last night. I don't remember my dreams but I woke frequently in a state of near panic. My back and shoulder are stiff from a night of wrestlessness and tension. Not sure what is going on...no one has challenged my personal space all week??? Just hyper I guess.

LOL....response to touch subject to change without notice....I like that!

About your night last night, hmmm. I've had nights like that and wonder if it's my subconscious trying to work through things that may not be so close to the surface.

...Subconscious trying to work through things....

Yes, maybe but I don't know what. I was not triggered or under any threat of touch this week. Some times I wonder is I just look for reasons when there are none. I had a rough night sleep, a lot of muscle tension, anxiety...so what. These are common things everyone experiences...doesn't really have to mean anything.

((((chaotic))))

I know Im a TAD late on this, but to me a safe touch is one that doesnt make my stomach tighten and do somersaults (sp). It's one that makes me feel emotionally good inside and out and one that doesnt want to make me want to pull away, which is my natural reaction. A safe touch is one that calms me....I have yet to experience any of this...one day.....

Q, What is safe touch?

A, Being held by the right person.

Q, What is unsafe touch?

A, Being held by the wrong person.

Mouse... Very clear :-)

Safe touch is situationally appropriate behavior that doesn't intentionally harm anyone. It's contextual to the situation. If I shake my T's hand, I consider that safe within the context that I'm in at the moment. Certain things I don't want from him, like a hug let's say---that's not really appropriate in our situation, and I don't need that from him in order to feel like he cares or what have you. The T must be on equal grounds with you in order for any touch to occur though...

I've heard of "body work" and whatever, but I'm not sure if I believe it to be beneficial to anyone. I think talk therapy with minimal touch is best to avoid negative transference and counter-transference. You also don't want to trigger a patient/client either, so it is best to play it safe. This probably varies on the patient. People are different, but there are certain types of touching that is boundary crossing, which any good therapist knows how to avoid in the first place (and if their patient doesn't know, they guide them out of the boundary crossing quagmire).

What I get from you, and correct me if I am wrong as I mean nothing negative here---is that you are not a very emotionally expressive person for whatever your reasons. Now you are at a point in your life when you want to be more open to giving and receiving open, positive, emotional responses, including "safe touch". I don't know why it is so important to seek safe touch from your T, but that's something you should think about. I would encourage you to take chances only when they are safe and you are ready to do so, that way you don't have a negative experience that causes a torrential downfall that deletes any progress you might have made.

Hope my words aren't offensive, but if they are I apologize. You always give me great advice, so I wanted to try a little bit of help your way--since I thought I could answer that.

I think your assessment is pretty much accurate to this point.

This is not the case however for me. I do not want to explore touch safe or otherwise with my T. I totally agree that "in my situation" crossing the no touch boundary in therapy would be harmful and counter productive at this point.

I want to reduce my sensativity, anxiety, and mental noise associated with touch. Talk therapy has helped, but not with this particular aspect of this issue. My ideas involve the use of safe touch OUTSIDE of therapy. I would them PROCESS what I experienced in my talk therapy.

Simcha... I did not find anything you wrote offensive. I agree I need to look at ALL reasons for wanting this. Whether I like to admit them or not. Thanks

Sorry for my late reply... I've been behind the times lately.

Some of this could be ADHD related---overstimulation? You think?

Yes, I think ADHD is a contributing factor. That along with obsessive paranoid thinking and probably 20 other things.

Safe-touch exists... I thought I was ready to explore it,but at the moment I think I'll pass.

Teen me does NOT want any touch with T. She sits WAAAAAAAAAAY far away, or lays around on the floor. It's so funny, because grown up treehouse is so needy and huggy. Teen would prefer that any touch involves me kicking T in the shins. Hard.

Treehouse...let me ask you something about your teen and therapy? Has your T has your T started to ask this teen about...interactions after the SA?

I'm sorry...don't feel you have to answer that question. Sorry I asked it.

((((((((((((((((((chaotic))))))))))))))))))))

I will totally answer...but don't get the question??

My ego states aren't completely separate from ME. Or at least so I tell myself.I had a challenging session this week. But at one point during my session this week I think my T came face to face with an aggessive aspect. My T asked me something and the energy within dramatically changed. IDK, one minute I am feeling weak and confused, squirming around trying to give my thoughts words and the next I am sitting up straight looking my T dead in the eye and firmly saying, "This is difficult to discuss!" At that, My T met my stare and simple said, "Is it?" Inside I felt like..."Back off bit@h!" But I just held my eye contact and said "Yes it is" and changed the topic.

Reflecting back on this exchange...the topic broached was related to my teen years.I think my inner teen was letting me and maybe my T know that she not interested in explaining anything.

I guess I am just thinking now... What was she protecting/ hiding.

Chaotic - I don't remember a ton about my sessions with teen, even though I have this "idea" that we're pretty co-conscious. She's definitely assertive and I am almost positive that she has not talked to T about anything serious at all.

I *think* teen plays more of a "protector" role for me (and she has played that role since I was very very young - way before I was a real teenager). She would DEFINITELY tell T to "back off" (using much more colorful words than that) and probably has...

Does that answer your question??

Thanks Treehouse.

After last session, clearly I am NOT ready to discuss the teen with my T. Sometimes my T just seems to swoop in and flips my cart. Luckily, she gets the back off cue and lets me go without me having to get too colorful.

(((((((TREEHOUSE))))))))))

LOL
Luckily I don't want to kick my T in any way, although during times when I'm slightly delusional like right now (due to the joys of PREDNISONE, yay!), I mostly have to fight the urge to buzz my hair, get a disturbing tattoo, and quite possibly buy a sidearm for protection against imaginary enemies. But, hey, at least I KNOW these thoughts are illogical!!!

It's okay... only a few more days of the Prednisone taper... I just need to stay away from the tattoo parlor and Walmart stores until then...
Yeah, my T knows these thoughts too, and I'm supposed to call him if I decide to do any of these things. It's a good thing I'm sick right now or I'd be outside more, and thus, more tempted...

Whoa, way too much information!

I've been drawing like crazy since my appointment this week. Mostly different representations of my inner "family". They are a freaky bunch that's for sure :-)

This week I reviewed my "Touch Integration Plan" LOL with my T. It was a very difficult session. I had gone prepared to hear all of the reasons for not doing it, why it wouldn't work, bah...bah...bah... Then when I got there, my T and I reviewed and discussed it (very difficult). However what was most difficult in the end was that my T thought it was a good idea and encouraged me to look into actually trying it.

I had no idea until I left what internal chaos this endorsement would create. My inner child went completely nuts at the even the thought of actually moving forward. By the time evening came I was a mess. I ended up drawing a picture and just sending it to my T. Amazingly, she seemed to understand it and has really been there for me all this week. That inner child is fairly calm now and isn't feeling so lost and alone.

Just wanted to say that my T doesn't need to touch me to really touch me.

Your drawings must be REALLY interesting! Can you post some sometime if it's not too private/too much trouble? Do you use marker, pencil, or what? I've considered doing this but I might draw something freaky and scare people.

Yeah. I know what you mean.