[rainbow8]

I sat by the phone for an hour, pressing the buttons and then stopping. My heart was beating too fast, and I just couldn't do it. I want to call her so badly, but I feel like I'm going to disappoint her. I'm obsessing about my feelings from the session, and I want to ask her a question that may be inappropriate. I also want to tell her something. It's just too hard, though. I am panicking too much when I pick up the phone.

But each day I don't call, I get more depressed. I feel like I'm going to explode! I'm sorry I'm posting so much about this. I'm sure most of you are thinking, "Why doesn't she just call already!?" I wish I could. Maybe tomorrow I will.

[jacq10]

((((((rainbow)))))

I understand the anguish you must be feeling about wanting to do something so badly (call her), yet for whatever reason, you cannot.

In my experience, it has been best to go with honesty. If you feel as though there is something that you need to tell her... then you should. Even if you think it might be inappropriate, therapy is fortunately a safe place where you can discuss these things. If you trust your T, then you need to trust in the fact that they will not reject you, but will help you through this difficult time.

Another thing you might do is find another way to express what you are keeping inside. Journal it, or express it somehow through music or art, or however you would like. It doesn't mean the question or thought will go away, but you might be able to put it on "hold" a little bit if you don't feel as though you can contact her inbetween your sessions. I'm also not sure how you (or your T) feel about email.. but that might be another option.

Anyhow, I hope that you're feeling better about this soon, and you're able to find a way to get what you're needing


Jacq

[Brightheart]

This happened to me when I was trying to move through the grief of the loss of my relationship with T. It felt as if contact was a need. I could barely control myself. I think at one point if I'd have gone into the office I would have collapsed or been unable to keep myself from pathetically clinging on to him. It was honestly that bad. I made it through that part without contacting him, but then when the realizations of my feelings began coming to light, I knew I had to express them somehow or I might just explode. I caved and emailed him right in the middle of a yearning spell. It was if expressing them... even just writing them down...had released some of the pent up emotion. When I returned to therapy, I returned because there was unfinished business in the relationship. I had to tell him how I felt. I couldn't bear to think of him never knowing. I also worried about disappointing or angering him, but it ended up being something that I had to do for myself so I took that risk. He wasn't disappointed or angry. He understood.

Maybe you should give yourself permission to call her. If you need to ask something or need to express something to her, it will likely just fester inside of you until you do. You said last time you didn't talk about your attachment to her. Maybe you need to release these feelings before you can move on from this. Maybe releasing the feelings and asking the questions is a step toward moving on. Just a suggestion. You know what you need. Try to have faith in yourself. Good luck.

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I sat by the phone for an hour, pressing the buttons and then stopping. My heart was beating too fast, and I just couldn't do it. I want to call her so badly, but I feel like I'm going to disappoint her. I'm obsessing about my feelings from the session, and I want to ask her a question that may be inappropriate. I also want to tell her something. It's just too hard, though. I am panicking too much when I pick up the phone.

But each day I don't call, I get more depressed. I feel like I'm going to explode! I'm sorry I'm posting so much about this. I'm sure most of you are thinking, "Why doesn't she just call already!?" I wish I could. Maybe tomorrow I will.

Rainbow, Its so hard to want something so bad, unyet afraid of what the results might be. I think the only way to solve this is to "Just do it" as the Nike slogan goes", and each time you do manage to test out results, the more able you are to do it again. Any responsilbe mature adult would treat your phoning with compassion I would think.

[Brian37]

pick up the phone and call

your therapist is a professional and I am quite sure you wont be the first to call

((((((((((((((((((((((((rainbow))))))))))))))))))))))))

What do you imagine is the worst thing that could happen if you call?? Could it be any worse than how you already feel?

I know that feeling of "should I call, should I not?" and it's hard to be stuck there. I hope you can call today, if you still feel like you need to.

[rainbow8]

Thanks to all of you. I just left her a message. I wish she had picked up the phone, but I know she'll call back as soon as she can. I said that I had feelings about the session and I'd explode if I don't tell her. So she won't be surprised.

I'm still scared, but at least I called!

[darkrunner]

Good for you ((((Rainbow))))!

You are very brave!

Geez - reading about so many people here who are taking risks, asking for their needs to be met, being honest with T......it is so encouraging.
I'm starting to think I may be able to do it too!

I hope your T calls back soon so you can express your feelings and start to feel a little better.
Here's some hugs for while you're waiting!!

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

I'm glad you called. That frozen "should I, shouldn't I" is such an uncomfortable place to be. I've done the exact same thing as you, only with emails. I've sat for I'm-embarrassed-to-say-how-long (I'm talking "hours") trying to write, rewrite, rewrite, get just right an email and then trying to hit the "Send" button. It just made me more and more anxious. It's good when we can use a distraction to get our mind off of our urges to call, but when we can't, I think it's best to just make the call rather than agonize for hours.

[rainbow8]

My T called and left a message because I wasn't home. I can call her in an hour. I'm all worn out now from seeing my internist for a physical. It was almost as good as therapy; he answered all my questions and saw me for almost 2 hours! He said he could give me an anti-depressant but it would probably make me gain weight. I just lost almost 20 pounds and am very happy about that. I'm prediabetic, so I don't want to gain it back. I also know it's better to have a pdoc prescribe meds than an internist.

I'm sort of distracted from my situation with my T because of seeing my internist. Isn't that weird?

Jacq: Thanks so much for responding. I wish my T would allow me to email, but she doesn't. She told me she doesn't use email that much, and it's not the best way to reach her. She also thinks I would abuse it by writing too much, and I have to agree with her. I have written poetry to get my feelings out, so your advice is on target for me.

Bether: That's just how I feel. I have a NEED to contact her and tell her how I feel. Even if it kills me, lol. Thank you! I AM finally giving myself permission to call.

Mouse: I think your advice to "just do it" DID it! Thanks.
Brian: Same goes for you. I called.

Tree: Actually the worst thing is that I still feel frustrated after I talk to her. But it can't be worse than the way I feel now. Thanks for all the hugs!

ktgirl: Of course you could do it too! s back to you!

peaches: yeah, FROZEN is a good wword for it. The time just goes by and I sit there. Sigh. I'm glad you understand but I wish neither of us had to go through this.

I will call her, I think, in half an hour. Got to get my notes or I will go blank. But I keep changing my mind about what I want to say. I've never been a very decisive person.

[mlpHolmes]

Dear Rainbow~

You shoud a lot of courage in calling your T, Great for You!!

If you ever want to bounce something off of a PC member first & get the support to talk w/ your T, please PM me at any time. I'm here for YOU!.

Hugs,
Holmes

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Holmes! That's nice of you to offer.

Well--the phone call and the aftermath were a nightmare. I'm going to start a new thread about it.