[Kiya]

Finally talked myself into trying bodywork therapy. Thanks to Chaotic and others who have been in those conversations with me (and formerly to Freewill who i looked up to a lot and listened to her experiences). I am done with having so much body pain. I know i am stuck (again) in therapy so.... i'm taking a risk. I'm scared to death, but i sense this is really important.

I would be very interested in how this works for you and what it is like. Good luck tomorrow, I hope it is a pleasant experience!

[sunrise]

Good luck, Kiya. Will your regular T do bodywork with you or will you be with a special bodywork T for this? There is always risk in moving forward.

[Kiya]

Exoticflower - I happen to be reading the book, "The Obsidian Mirror" which details bodywork quite well. This book was the last push to get me to reach out in this direction... turns out the book also inspired this bodyworker into the business.

Sunrise - this will be a new clinician who specializes in healing the body from trauma held in it.

I've had massages before, so my guess is some of it will be a good experience - and some will not; like having to dis-robe particially, her asking what the tension is holding, protecting... walking me through any panic attacks or flashbacks that come up. Since it is a first 30 min session, I am mainly hoping for pain relief in my back/neck/shoulders and a break from the migraines. But... being a healer, she could well pull up stuff. It's time tho. I'm ready - or as ready as I'm gonna get I made the apnt as soon as poss so i couldn't chicken out. But i can't keep living in this much pain. I'm done. And the right person showed up. I like how that works - when it's right, things just flow. Now i can go back to biting my nails.

This sounds very interesting. I do feel we hold some physical residue from trauma. I know when I started back to restorative yoga just a few weeks ago, after being absent for almost 2 years, I ended up sobbing at the end. It did release some stuff for me, I was surprised on much was still inside of me. I will watching your journey to see what it is like. There is a guy in the area who does this sort of thing too.

[Kiya]

*i miss restorative yoga*. I've cried in there too and the instructor made sure I knew to feel comfortable with it because it does release emotions which is good for us. Sadly, it also brings up panic attacks for me, so I had to quit. Too many people near me.

Kiya, best of luck - I hope it is a good experience for you, and that she can help you get rid of that pain! I'll be interested to hear how it goes, and I may check out that book.

[Kiya]

My bodywork day went fine - she is REALLY super aware. She even noticed a discrepancy between my body desperately wanting/needing her hand on my back, and some very quiet part of my mind being against it -and had me talk through that to see what was best for the whole. I scheduled again for next month. Wish I could afford weekly. We first talked about my other experiences with massage, then about how I am in total control over what happens to me, and i can even keep all clothes on if i want =) so, we did. I was prepared to just remove the shirt but once she said that, it was more important to let the system feel trust and be secure than about getting the knots worked out (mind, now I wish i had... so much pain still). But I think it was a really good beginning and something I am willing to invest more into.

Dreamseeker - just be aware that that book is VERY triggery. Very indepth about the abuse she suffered @_@ just so you know in advance.
Kiya

Originally Posted by Kiya

My bodywork day went fine - she is REALLY super aware. She even noticed a discrepancy between my body desperately wanting/needing her hand on my back, and some very quiet part of my mind being against it -and had me talk through that to see what was best for the whole. I scheduled again for next month. Wish I could afford weekly. We first talked about my other experiences with massage, then about how I am in total control over what happens to me, and i can even keep all clothes on if i want =) so, we did. I was prepared to just remove the shirt but once she said that, it was more important to let the system feel trust and be secure than about getting the knots worked out (mind, now I wish i had... so much pain still). But I think it was a really good beginning and something I am willing to invest more into.

Dreamseeker - just be aware that that book is VERY triggery. Very indepth about the abuse she suffered @_@ just so you know in advance.
Kiya

Kiya, I'm so glad it was a positive experience for you!

Thanks for the warning about the book - I thought it was all about bodywork and didn't realize it was about SA, which doesn't apply to me, so maybe I'll find another book about bodywork. But thanks!

i'm so glad this worked out well for you kiya. i'm not positive but i think in bodywork you typically stay fully clothed.

[chaotic13]

Oh, Kiya you go girl! After my T's unexpected endorsement of my TIP (Touch Intregration Plan) and then my dramatic and immediate inner child retreat I kind of put the breaks on actually officially doing it. I'm kind of psedo-doing it, which I'm not sure is working for me all that well.

I think I've successfully reached the point where I can now, with confidence endure VERY intense non-sexual touch situations. When I think about some of the courses I've put myself through this past year...I cannot believe it.

The part that is not working well is my ablity to focus-IN on the touch and allow myself to really experience it and the range of emotions it triggers. The touch situations I've been able to create have not provided the safe environment in which risk DELVING. Honestly, I think I was fully aware of this and may even be another way I do things but don't REALLY do things. Then again...maybe this was just my way of taking baby steps in this direction.
ANYWAY...Kiya I am glad that you are brave enough and think enough of your self to do this approach in the way it is supposed to be done. I am glad you've found a trained bodyworker.

I've also met what appeared to be a well trained bodyworker and actually witnessed a brief sample treatment.However, the intensity of what I saw, scared the heck our of me. Maybe it is just the parasite talking but I feel like if that person worked on me...I would likely end up losing it, start balling, and become completely overwhelmed by what was released (this is a recurring nightmare I have). I don't think I could handle that at the moment.

The good news is...the Spirit may have offered me an alternative -- a mentee. This individual seems very interested in developing this skill set but needs experience and practice. Now, I am usually not interested in serving as someone's training mankin...but for some reason I'm finding this idea more palatable and worth considering. It seems less threathening some how.

PLEASE Kiya...continue to post about your experiences with this approach. I'd love to compare notes on what we learn from it.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by reflection

i'm so glad this worked out well for you kiya. i'm not positive but i think in bodywork you typically stay fully clothed.

Dunno - and maybe they are all different. I've been looking for a while for a place/person who specialized in healing abused folks so that it would work better for me. She incorporates all modailities and had the oil ready just incase - and did use it on my feet. She said i could remove as much or as little as I felt comfortable with (i probably already said that somewhere). She also said to email her if anything comes up for me (which it is - I totally feel ill like I'm going to throw up). My plan is to stick with this the best that I can - finally move though a lot of the stuff that is holding me back.

[chaotic13]

Kiya, My plan was OK let's do it. I have proven that I can physically tolerate the touch and get myself to attend the session and lay still on the table. Let's schedule the sessions and DO IT. Then when my T started discussing ways to move forward implement the plan...my inner children freaked.

For me... I don't even have to actually DO the touch sessions at this point. Just thinking or discussing doing them triggers the surfacing of stuff. Earlier this week I took a subtle step closer to actually doing a treatment. Last night my skin was crawling, muscle shakes, and I had another series of nightmare that seemed to indicate that I am worried about this idea being harmful and leaving me confused about boundaries.

[Kiya]

Chaotic - I wanted to respond to the part where you said the intensity of what you witnessed scared you - I think it does vary. Mine was totally not intense - we actually laughed a lot, mainly because she's been thru it all too. And the laughter keeps me more present =) The part that did start to freak me out was that while i filled out the paperwork, she sat down not 2 feet from me and silently watched. @_@ and i kept messing up. But I kept asking myself to breathe, and soon got used to her presence.

I did email her, and she responded fairly quick saying that maybe my attempt to "gently push thru this stuff was not popular, and that maybe it would be better to gently sit with it". Heh. I think it is the probing questions that get me. "What is the feeling here? did you just go away? what is the tension holding? do you think you can feel what is behind this?" Gaaaaaah nooo! I don't wanna!!!! I just want a massage to make the pain go away!

[chaotic13]

YES... Kiya the probing that's the part that the deeper part of me whispers to me that I need. But the other part of me says no, that is the part that is going to take you beyond what you can handle at this point.

The part of the Heart Centered approach that seemed too intense was when the instructor started talking softly to the client (organism, tissue). When she did this it was like she was reaching inside of me and pulling out that little inner child. Again the concept of energy fields and connecting with another person is very new to me. It was like there was a vacuum in that room that was just drawing everything to it. I remember a few times the instructor look up from the client and directly at me and I almost believed she was connected and talking to me and not the person she was treating.I had to keep shaking my head and reminding myself I was just an observer. I think this is what scared me most. If the treatment was powerful enough to draw me in as an observer, what might it do if I was actually the primary target. IDK, when I reflect on this experience maybe physcially being touched was only a small part of it.

ANYWAY... It definately got my attention and also raised the caution flag. I just wonder if my little inner child leaves me vulnerable to being manipulated. This fear I think is what my nightmares are about. It causes me to remember times in the past where I did things that at first were harmless. But later led to things that I knew were wrong but was less able to resist.