Does it freak you out when T doesn't write back?

It makes me crazy when T doesn't write back, it makes me want to quit. I have to tell my tell myself to, "put the mouse down and step away from the keyboard".

Xtree

I understand your frustration about your T not writing back. I've never emailed my T, but I used to call her a lot. Fortunately, she usually called me back within a couple of hours, and often she answered the phone instead so I didn't have to wait at all. But sometimes I had to wait longer, and it was agonizing.

But why should it make you want to quit? Have you ever discussed your T's response time? Maybe your expectations and hers don't match. I'm sure she can give you an idea of how soon she will answer emails.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

Yes, it makes me crazy too. It's much worse than never having written in the first place. I used to actively have to distract myself (go out, not be home on the computer) after I had emailed because it made me crazy waiting for a reply.

If it helps, I think these feelings are pretty common (at least on PC). I just try to remember that it's probably not personal, she just hasn't had time to check it yet.
And also, that emailing has its pros and cons, and waiting for a reply is just one of the downsides. On the whole, I continue to email because I find the pros outweigh the cons for me. Hope your wait isn't too long!

I don't even have my T's e-mail address, but I can imagine that it would be vvery frustrating.

I figure T will answer when she has time. She does eventually, but I guess it's a two-way street. I'm not that great with emailing her as much as I should anyway. It's a lot better now because we have set aside time for a phone conversation in addition to our regular session during the week.

No, sometimes she just doesn't write.

Xtree

I never email or text my therapist. I wouldn't find it satisfying. I like the face to face or phone contact. More intimate IMO.

It can be hard when they don't call back or write back. My T is especially bad with the phone, so I really only call him when I need to reschedule and even then, I prefer to use email. When he doesn't answer my phone calls, it makes me feel rejected, so it's really better just not to do it. I mostly email him only when it is business, like rescheduling. I try to be very respectful and make my emails very brief and to the point. But he doesn't always respond to them. He's busy and has strong boundaries around his personal time--I have tried to learn not to take it personally. We don't do therapy by email or phone. I think, given my sensitivity and his lack of phone/email reliability and responsiveness, that this would not be a fruitful direction for us. Face to face is best for us.

Hi Xtree,
My T. does not have email for his clients to use. When asked, he said that he prefers using his email for family only and recommended that, if I needed to, to call his 24-hour answering service. I've never had to call him as yet, but on one of my real funky S. moments, I really wanted to "talk" to him by email. I didn't want to call him in the middle of the night to bother him, or call the hot line, which scares me more (can they trace your cell phone and send the cops?!). I guess I just needed to talk. But now that I think of it, I wouldn't want to email him because, like you, I would be too anxiously waiting for a reply and that would make me even more miserable!

yes. it gets me upset and makes me want to quit. especially when pdoc says "i will call if you ask me to call", and so i reply saying "please call" and then he doesn't (pdoc has never given me his email... i dont really want it either... too much room for me to make a fool of myself by blathering on).

It used to send me totally bonkers when I would send my T something and have it go unreplied. At first I thought all kinds of things like... she is trying to "condition" me to not email, she doesn't really care, she thinks I am being needy, she knows I really want a reply so she is using this to torture me. My mind went everywhere. Eventually I realized that: a) she did not check her business email address very often, b) she is very busy and can't be at my beck and call all the time, c) oftentimes there was little she could safely comment on without knowing more about what I was thinking or experiencing when I wrote the message. Although most of my messages seem to be explicitly clear (to me anyway), when I now go back and read them they were clear at all. Sometimes I go back and look at them and ask..."What was I really wanting from her when I sent this?"

I will say that recently, I'm not exactly sure why, I seem to get more replies from my T than I did early on. My T initially did not encourage me to email her, but did allow it. I think she strongly believes that face-to-face communication is the prefered mode of communication in therapy. I am trying hard to get better at that.

Since I have gone thought many nights angry about having an empty inbox, I would recommend that you try explicitly putting: REPLY REQUESTED in the subject line or first sentence of the email. If she still does not reply then go to your next session and ask her about email communications. You don't need to say...I emailed you and you never got back to me. You can just say something like, "when I am having trouble or am confused about something that happened, is it OK for me to email you? If the answer is YES. Then ask about if can expect a response. This way you will know more of what to expect. You will also likely hear the REAL reason that she did not reply to earlier messages.

I'm actually glad that I don't have an email address for my T. If I ever emailed her, I think I'd probably be checking rather obsessively for a reply - it would not be good for me!

She only writes back when I specifically ask her to, and when it's a short exchange that is suited for email. Anything that requires more than a simple reply she prefers to keep within session.

Of course in four months I have managed to email her once and call maybe three times. Mostly about drug side effects (meds and therapy from same person). This may sound weird but I don't see the purpose of contacting T out of session unless there is a pressing need (like the Lamictal I was taking giving me a whole body rash).

She said, "email is Okay" and "writing is a good option" but I am just not going to write anymore. Unfortunately that means I will not call anymore either if something comes up.

Xtree

T's never not responded, she says it would be unkind and untheraputic to ignore my feelings, but I guess if she didn't respond to me I'd feel hurt and abandoned.

My T only responds if I specifically ask him to. I'm the first client he has done e-mail with, so I think it was a learning process for both of us to find a comfort zone. I do KNOW that if I ask for a reply, he will respond. If I don't, he won't. It used to totally make me spiral out if he didn't reply quickly enough when I asked for a reply, but I am calmer about it now. And if I sense that I am in a place where not getting a quick response will make me spiral, I don't send the e-mail. I type it out and save it as a draft. Sometimes just the writing helps....but if I still really want to send it later on (and I think I can deal with a slow response)then I'll send it later.

But to answer your question...YES, that has completely freaked me out in the past!

I actually asked my T today how to contact her between sessions if I needed to - she said to call, she didn't offer an email address. And I think that probably best suits my needs, so I'm okay with that.

One thing about calling that bothers me is when I get my T's answering machine. I ramble on and on; once I start talking I can't stop. After I hang up, I'm embarrassed. But, if she answers the phone, I stumble over my words. Often I write them down so I know what to say.

I can't stand waiting for her to call back! If I were allowed to email, I think it would be even worse for me. I would write and write, but I know my T would answer me only briefly.

That's why I don't do it unless absolutely necessary--because I don't like to feel that way.

You know what Xtree? It sounds like it would be really helpful for you to find out your Ts boundaries and rules about emails, so you don't have to go through this emotional torture about not getting a reply. You may find that T is quite clear (within Ts own self!) about the rules and limits of email communication, and may be COMPLETELY unaware of how difficult and painful this is for you.

You wrote that T said "emails are okay", but did T specify that she(he?) would reply? Or give a time frame for when a reply might be expected? For the sake of one's mental health these are really important boundaries for clients to be aware of!

I know how desperately painful a non-response to an email can be, and how it can trigger up all sorts of (un)related things. (like "I don't matter", "T doesn't care", "T doesn't want me to email", "I don't deserve anything or anyone" etc etc). In this case knowledge is power - if you KNOW your T accepts emails but doesn't reply to them, the trigger will be less. If you KNOW your T WILL reply, but sometimes takes several days to do so, the trigger will be less. Likewise, if your T KNOWS a non-reply is very triggering for you, she (he?) will likely either clearly explain the limits or be more mindful replying in a timely manner in future.

Knowlege is power: See if you can be brave enough to bring this up with T and empower yourself with it. There's little worse than feeling triggered and actuely disempowered alone.

But thats backwards arguing.

Thank you for your response, there is a lot of important information in there. We have disused boundaries and expectations regarding emails, writing and telephone calls. I understand a response to an email will be much longer and not very secure, but she said will write back. It is not a question of how long I need to wait, I do not mind waiting. It is a question of not replying at all. When she neglects replying to emails it creates a fear that she may not call back if I call when I am in a tough situation. She has never done that but it has created a doubt in my mind.

She called, apologized, explained and I understood. She has done this a few times now. I am really not that needy but this is certainly a button pusher for me. The inner child in me reacts with the all or nothing mentality. I never want to email again, I never want to write again and I will never call again, just to avoid feeling like that again. The bad news is I am stubborn enough to do it for a long time. I know no one wins and I understand that is wrong, bad and very childish but hey that’s why I am in therapy!

Now that I mentioned this here “The inner child in me reacts with the all or nothing mentality”, I should discuss that in session.

Thanks
Xtree

I'm not arguing. I'm just stating how it is for me. When T doesn't call back (not uncommon), I feel bad, so that leads to my not wanting to do it. I think that is called negative reinforcement?

My T has his email address on his business cards but has never written me back. Never. I stopped emailing that is what I needed to do to protect myself.

I go twice a week and have for awhile now so I don't have the urge to email eventually I'll go weekly again soon and hopefully I don't regress to emailing. It has caused me anxiety about 90% of the time.

Take the email address off the business card is what I want to say sometimes!

Today when I called T and was waiting for a response, I got totally paranoid...I was checking my phone every second, jumping every time my phone would vibrate...it was horrible. That's why I don't really call that often...the wait period is too anxiety-inducing.