[hangingon]

Sorry, I can't leave it, I have a hard time even looking at it....

<p>Good for you, hangingon. Something had to be said about all her cancellations and the feelings they bring up in you. I'm sure it will be hard waiting for her response, but I personally think you did the right thing. Who knows, maybe it will actually help your relationship with her in the end? I would just try to be open to listening to her explanation, and then you can go from there...</p>

[lifelesstraveled]

((((hangingon)))))

Oh my, it took so so much courage for you to send that email to your T and I am glad you did. I am glad you spoke up and told her how the cancellations are affecting you because maybe your T hadn't realized...

I am sure you and your T will be able to work thru this. And if not, maybe you can find another T, esp if this continues to happen...not that it hasn't happened enough.

[ECHOES]

I'm sorry your T had to cancel at the last minute. I know T's are people too (pretty sure, anyway), but we need them to be strong and able to take care of themselves so they can be there when they say they will be there. Who wants to lean on a wobbly post?

I admire your email and expecially the wonderful way you expressed yourself.

I notice you say you are 'bummed' and 'upset', and then worry that she'll be angry with you....I wonder if it is that you're angry with her and that is very difficult and making the whole situation feel even worse, even scarier. (((( hangingon))))

[hangingon]

Notme,
She is probably right, she probably did have a flat tire. I just went into and immediate not so good mode because there have been so many changes with my appointments.
Still waiting for a reply, sent it around 6. I don't even know what I would say walking into her office after this.

LLT,
My T didn't know how I felt about it. I don't know how she will take it because recently she was telling me that it's good to take breaks sometimes. I did just take a vacation in December. Then just last week I took a 4 day trip to the beach, couldn't stay longer because I am in an intense nursing program where we have classes summer, winter, spring and fall.
I don't know why she was pushing breaks. She knows I have a summer class. I think it should be my right to choose if and when I want a break. For her to say hey, you know, you can take breaks, would be fine with me. But when I told her many people go to T and don't take breaks, her response was, I'm not changing my mind on it, I think breaks are good.

I don't know why things are so difficult lately. I feel like she wants to get rid of me, whether that's my own projection or not I don't know. But she has snapped back with responses in sessions lately and it's not her typical behavior. I just want this to be ok. I don't want to keep feeling this way. Maybe I remind of her someone she doesn't like, I don't know.

Echos,
Yes, T are human. I know emergencies can happen, I don't deny that. It's more that there has been so much of this that its hard to trust.
I am angry with my T. She has been different with me lately as well and when I talked with her about two comments she made that hurt me, she didn't really put me at ease after. There is such a wall for some reason thats getting bigger, and I don't want to go through all of this again with someone esle.
I think I'd give up on therapy after this...

I've read several articles that say it is very unprofessional for a T to continuously be late, cancel or change appointments. It does take a toll on the client, and it's not fair! Good for you, hangingon, for telling your T how it has made you feel! I think 8 times is a lot, I know it would bother me.

[deliquesce]

(((((hanginon)))))

i'm proud of you for writing that email!! you gave a factual description of her behaviour (she's cancelled more than 8 times), and then what that makes you think and feel. i agree that being cancelled/rescheduled so often is disruptive and hurtful.

my pdoc has maybe cancelled about 2-3 times in the four years i've seen him, but each time it kind of sucked. it's that anticipation thing you mentioned at the beginning of your letter - building up to talk. i dont know if i could cope if it was something he did on a regular basis.

i hope your T can take steps to rectify this with you. as you said, you were willing to trust her - there was something there that made you want to take a risk with this person. also, as you said, she might not have realised how frequently this was happening. you're a generous person to think of that. and it could well be true - i remember calling my old T out on something he kept saying to me that was hurtful, and he said "oh, i've only said that once and that was said to help you" and i was able to tell him of other occassions when he'd said the same thing, and i think he was genuinely surprised. he was very mindful of it in the future.

good luck if you end up meeting with T today. i hope things get addressed to your satisfaction - because i really believe she's the one in the wrong here. her cancelling has nothing to do with a reflection of your worth (she's not doing it on purpose), but she definitely needs to make amends.

eta: i just read your replies above, and thought to add - if she really is having a proble with you, then this is something she should be addressing direclty rather than passively taking it out on you. i hope this email you've sent is taken as an invitation for open, honest communication. if she just responds more defensively, then it definitely has nothing to do with you - it's her own issue, and not something worth you investing more effort in.

((((((hangingon))))))

wow, you are doing such a great job expressing yourself to your t. i imagine it is so difficult but you are doing it girl. you really are growing ho--okay, maybe i shouldn't shorten your name to ho! i'm sorry you aren't getting the responses you want from t. i do hope she can cut way back on the cancellations as it does seem rather odd to me. maybe time is an issue of hers? i hope things work out with you and this t. at some point you might want to talk to her about how you feel like things are changing in your relationship with her and how this wall is building. it sounds like you did touch on it in your email so maybe this will open things up further to discuss. it might even be good to tell her you are even having thoughts of terminating with her. hang in there and take care sweet one.

[hangingon]

My T just responded with this.....
If it means what I think it does, there is no way I can go in and talk with her tomorrow.
Does it sound to you that she is permantely changing where she works and will tell me in person that it was not her intention to end our relationship but she has to.
I got that impression from the email but I am not in the best mode of mind right now.
The whole private practice thing got to me to. You have scheduled appt books, what would make private practice any different than regular practice? Is that really typical?

########, I hear how hurt you are, and when my tire blew I was most concerned that it was your session that would be first impacted. Though it is not unusual for therapists in private practice to change appnintment times, it should rarely be within 24 hours of the session. I have recently been working in ###### #### ( I scratched out the town) during the daytime, and have learned that that will be a permanent adjustment in my profession. I want to be able to talk with you about it in person but don't want another moment to go by with you thinking that I think you're worthless. It is not my intention to end our relationship, and lok forward to talking in person tomorrow. Take care, #####

[DoggyBonz]

That email that you sent your T is amazing. I just went through this w/ my T - about cancellations and rescheduling. Your email was honest, courageous and so insightful. You were truthful and eloquent about how you were feeling and reading it I really found myself identifying. Had you written this about 10 days ago I might have taken it in to read pieces of it to my T.

What I found for myself was that even though this is the first therapist that I have been able to really trust (due to bad past experience) all the confusion was taking a toll on me and I was questioning her motives. Was she doing it to push me? To show me that nothing is certain? Just letting her know that helped both of us. I realized that for me I don't have to stop coming and that it was ok to be angry with her. She was not going anywhere. I felt ashamed for questioning her motives and I let her know. But the thing was that I had to decide for myself if I really wanted to continue to work with this therapist. I think once I did talking to her and being honest about my feelings was a in itself an accomplishment for me. What she really made clear to me that was hard for me to accept was that I had not done anything wrong, these were her errors and she needed to work on that. But I was not at fault and my feelings/thoughts were VALID and REAL.

What you wrote was incredible and I hope that your therapist provides you with the same warmth that mine did. YOU are not at fault, this is her problem and she needs to take responsibility for her actions. As I have learned therapy is a weird relationship but it's one that develops.

Please keep us informed and post about what happens. Regardless of what your therapist says I hope you realize that the email took an incredible amount of honest self reflection an courage - I realize that I don't know you but I think that, that email was your own "session" and that you have taken some huge steps in your own growth.

[Beholden]

Hi hanginon,

You were correct in telling your T your feelings. 8 cancels/changes/etc is a lot. One of my doctors has a policy about patients not showing up for their appointments on time, or at all, after 3 times, they may be asked to find a different doctor. It's all about 'their time' "their convience'.

Well, you are also very important, your time is also important, you being moved around like that is not professional at all. Maybe your T is having an issue. But you don't have to be a part of her issue when it costs you so much in your driving time, your gas, and even more emotionally.

In the 3 years or so that I did therapy in the '80's I only had my T not available one time. And that was when I phoned to make an appointment, expecting to get in ASAP. I had to wait a few days. It felt horrible to me at the time. But it was very reasonable on his part.

You have done your part as a client. Trust is the most important thing in a T relationship. I think your T has taken advantage of your "compliance" and "not wanting to rock the boat" and your not wanting to make anyone mad at you. You want to be liked. That's normal, but she is really pushing it as far as her responsibilies to you.

Good for you for sticking up for yourself. It's about time to not bury your feeling just to be "accepted". It better not be about the fee your T agreed on, either. Sorry I sound so hard, it makes me mad for someone to be taken advantage of, especially someone as sweet as you

((((((Hangingon)))))))-
Please let us know how your session with T goes tomorrow. You have a right to be disapointed, especially if she is not rectifying the situation or somehow trying to ease the pain it causes you. Know that you are in my thoughts. Take care.

[hangingon]

Thank you all.
I did post her email reply on the first page ...my post closer to the bottom of the page. I am still so confused at to what she was saying...
If I have the nerve to go in there tomorrow, I will let you know how it goes.

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by hangingon

My T just responded with this.....
If it means what I think it does, there is no way I can go in and talk with her tomorrow.
Does it sound to you that she is permantely changing where she works and will tell me in person that it was not her intention to end our relationship but she has to.
I got that impression from the email but I am not in the best mode of mind right now.
The whole private practice thing got to me to. You have scheduled appt books, what would make private practice any different than regular practice? Is that really typical?

########, I hear how hurt you are, and when my tire blew I was most concerned that it was your session that would be first impacted. Though it is not unusual for therapists in private practice to change appnintment times, it should rarely be within 24 hours of the session. I have recently been working in ###### #### ( I scratched out the town) during the daytime, and have learned that that will be a permanent adjustment in my profession. I want to be able to talk with you about it in person but don't want another moment to go by with you thinking that I think you're worthless. It is not my intention to end our relationship, and lok forward to talking in person tomorrow. Take care, #####

her email does sound a bit confusing, doesn't it? i think the main points she wants you to take away are:
1) she doesn't want to stop working with you
2) she doesn't think you're worthless and that is why she's responding so quickly instead of waiting until tomorrow to talk things through properly.

i am a bit confused about her comment about private practice therapists, and also what relevance her working in that other town has to do with you. but i think it might be best to see what she has to say and get that clarified, (((hangingon))).

i'm still proud of you for bringing up this issue with her. she owes it to you to be completely upfront about what is going on. it doesn't sound to me like she is going to abandon you. maybe her comment about the other town is that she is finding it a bit difficult to adjust right now? i'm not sure.

[hangingon]

Del,
Thats the thing, she doesn't talk to me about her private life in session. I mean very, very, very rarely. So I find it interesting that she wants to talk about this now, meaning it must have something that will affect me as well.
I may be going overboard. If that is what is about to happen, I'll be devistated she knew how hard it was for me to connect with my last T. She told me that therapy could take awhile when I was telling her I was worried that my old T was not going to see me much longer because she had started her own practice so far away, which was another reason I left my old T.
Now if this T does that after going through all that with her when I first started seeing her 6 months ago, it's going to kill me.
I really hope thats not what's coming, cause I will be done. I know I still need to see a T, but I won't be able to trust one after that.

[velcro003]

Hi Hangingon

I also loved your e-mail to your T, and agree that it is VERY courageous that you did that. I could never imagine saying those things to mine!

I took away from her e-mail to you was that maybe she was trying to make you feel better by saying that it isn't unusual for private practice therapists to have to switch their schedule around some to make it seem more "normal" to you. I think it was worded a little weird, but also her points didn't connect very effectively. Maybe therapists that work in the public sector have a more scheduled day to day clients (like in a hospital setting) that doesn't vary that often. I don't know. It is a little odd, but nothing worrisome, I don't think.

I think maybe she was also trying to make you feel better about mentioning where she will have to work in a different town becoming "permanent" is something that she must already have been doing. Maybe she thought it was only temporary, and turned out to be permanent? Maybe this will effect the way she schedules you in the future?

I don't see it as her wanting to end therapy with you, but maybe some things will be changing--but maybe that is GOOD for you! Maybe it'll force her to have more of a concrete schedule with you.

And she's right...you are NOT worthless!

[deliquesce]

darling, i know it is difficult right now, but you need to slow down a bit. my old T took up a position that was 4hrs away, but he still managed to see me where we used to meet. but when he was taking up the new position, he sometimes got things a bit confused e.g., some of his old clients moved to the new place, and so he had a bit of trouble getting his timetabling right (like when he double booked me and another client of his because he forgot which place he was meant to be in). so she might just be bringing it up to try and explain that she needs to adjust right now... not that she can't keep seeing you.
try to keep an open mind for me on this one, ok? i will snuggle into your bag/pocket tomorrow when you go to see T and cheer you on from there. and SAWE is sharing P7's blanket with me, but i think we can find room for you too .

Hangingon,

You did the right thing, I know if feels scary right now, but what you did shows a lot of courage. In all the 4 years I have been in therapy with 3 different T's, not one has ever canceled last minute. In fact one time one canceled several days before, because he was in the hospital.
Your T's actions are unacceptable for her profession. Maybe something is going on in her life, but that shouldn't interfere with your therapy. Have you thought about looking for another T? I am sorry you are getting so hurt by your T, they are suppose to help us feel better, not make us worse.

hanging,

it sounds to me as if she has taken on an additional practice and is trying to work out adjusting to the permanent changes in scheduling. i don't get the sense she is ending anything with you and hope that is not the case. it probably would have been more helpful to you if she had mentioned this to you sooner because then you would have been able to understand why she cancelled so often. it sounds as if she will be doing the two practices now and will continue with you and wants to explain more when you see her tomorrow.

[MissCharlotte]

((hanginon))

You can do this. You can go today and have this conversation. I read her message twice, and have to say that it sounds like your T really cares about you. It does sound like her schedule may be changing but maybe it also means she will continue to see you if you two can manage to put together a schedule. Oy. It's so confusing. Maybe this is why T and I don't do emails.

(((((((((((hanginon)))))))))

Good luck today.

Peaceout

[hangingon]

I sent her am email last night asking her if she meant she was working somewhere else and that meant she would not be able to see me anymore. This was her response.
I have no idea why she threw that crazy 3 week vacation in there with all this going on in my head....it was so the wrong time, could she have at least waited til I was in her office? My stomach is a mess right now. And I have to go take a huge test in school this morning..
Here was her reply....

No, ########, I'm not planning on terminating our work together. My schedule will be limited as of August 1st, but I am not closing my practice completely. Also, I will be gone 3 weeks in July for personal reasons. I hope you will come tomorrow so we can talk further, in person. And, due to the fact you were already at my office when I called you at 4:40, there will be no charge for our session this week. Good night, #####

(((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))

Well, no charge for your session is a good thing

It is kind of weird that she mentioned the vacation in the e-mail, but that is the thing with e-mail with T...it's hard to get it just "perfect" and only mention just the right things. Maybe she wanted you to have some time to think about the July vacation so you could bring your feelings about it to session tomorrow and she could work with you in person around them???

((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))) Good luck today. Let us know how it goes, okay??

[deliquesce]

yes, emails with Ts tend to suck. i reckon i could always write a better response to me, any day! "dear deli, no i love you and am not leaving, don't be silly, love T".

i think she maybe thought it was better to get out all of the things that might get in the way in one go, so that you didn't go in tomorrow and have her lump another thing on top of it all, and you feel cheated that she hadn't mentioned it earlier.

good luck, hangingon. try to make sure you get a firm idea about how much she will cancel in the future - it is great she is being upfront about her other commitments, but you need to know that she will remain (or start being!!) committed to the time she sets with you.

[peaches100]

Hi Hangingon,

I applaud your honesty in telling your t how you feel, and in asking the questions you need to know. I was thinking that your t told you about her vacation now, so that you could prepare yourself ahead of time for it. Maybe that is also why she'd been telling you breaks were good??? To kind of prepare you for it. I could be wrong tho. . .

I hope you go to your session and talk about it with her.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((( hangingon !!! )))))))))))))))

holy cow, I can't believe all this has gone on and I missed seeing it- sorry!

what a difficult situation you have been struggling with (eight times, i would be bananas - or history - by now, you are very strong!)

Peaches said >> I was thinking that your t told you about her vacation now, so that you could prepare yourself ahead of time for it. <<
that occurred to me too. it seems like an effort to control the unintended bad impression that that might make.

oh boy. whatever can your T do to make it up to you. I hope the two of you can continue (if that is what YOU want). go gently, I hope you will let us know how it goes. here