I'll start off by saying that I really like my T. I feel really atached to my her, even needy sometimes...but only when she's not around (for example, when I'm emailing her in between appointments or waiting for her reply). When I'm actually in the room with her though, I don't feel like that or act like that at all. I can't figure out why this happens. Any ideas?

I think that part of me does crave the idea of her, in a really young way. But when she's actually in front of me, I can't get past the idea that we're both adults and it would be very strange to, as an adult, act so young. So I don't. I just wish I could feel as connected to her when I'm talking to her as I do the rest of the time. I get much less nervous in sessions than I used to, but I still can't seem to feel things in the moment with her.

[ECHOES]

me too. Talking about this, and my inability to speak much lately, and my pulling away, etc. she just tells me it's all part of the process. You say that you feel less nervous and that's great and part of the process of feeling more comfortable.

I think it feels safe to be there as an adult. Way too many feelings at risk otherwise.

It is very frustrating because I can't tell her in therapy the things I think about outside of therapy... although I can tell her that this is happens.

Can you tell her what you wrote in your post?
I hope you can get to where you want to be when you are there in the present, in the room with your T.

((((((((((((((((((((notme9))))))))))))))))))

I felt like that for a long time in therapy. I think it just feels "safer" somehow to go and be an adult. It took a lot of time for me to let my guard down. Maybe just start by telling her the difference between how you feel when you're not there vs. how you feel when you are with her??

I remember a time when I started to feel REALLY sleepy in therapy so I laid down and kind of curled up on the couch. And *wham* I could FEEL that young part of me there, feeling so so so so safe. She felt safe WAY WAY before grown up me did. She LOVED T. I remember that session so well, because it was like I was somehow floating behind the couch (which is against the wall, but that's not how I remember it) watching. That was actually sort of the beginning of the crazy DID journey for me....but from reading posts about ego states, etc. I know DID isn't a pre-requisite for letting those young "selves" into the room. Maybe just pay attention and be aware of fleeting moments when you have those feelings in the room. Or try curling up on the couch

Wow, notme, I am so there right now! I just asked my T this week how to access my child self because I feel like I'm only showing up as my adult self in sessions, and I want to feel emotions that my T said are connected to my child self, but I'm not letting myself feel them in the room with T. (I'm starting to feel them outside of therapy, though.) My T said I need to be "unreasonable" more in therapy - basically, that I should throw a bit of a temper tantrum like a child if my T does something I don't like, such as keep me waiting for my appointment. This behavior was discouraged when I was a child, and now my T is telling me it's okay for me to act that way as an adult? She did say that it's okay "in therapy", though, so I guess I'd better not try it at work. But I do understand where you're coming from - I'm also starting to get attached to my T, something I only admitted to her this week, and it was hard to admit that I was needy to her! But then it was so worth it, because we sat there, just looking at each other and smiling for a bit - a really nice, connecting moment. But don't think it still scares me to show her my younger self! I'm going to have to give it a lot of practice. Good luck!!

[rainbow8]

I'll start off by saying that I really like my T. I feel really atached to my her, even needy sometimes...but only when she's not around (for example, when I'm emailing her in between appointments or waiting for her reply). When I'm actually in the room with her though, I don't feel like that or act like that at all. I can't figure out why this happens. Any ideas?

I think that part of me does crave the idea of her, in a really young way. But when she's actually in front of me, I can't get past the idea that we're both adults and it would be very strange to, as an adult, act so young. So I don't. I just wish I could feel as connected to her when I'm talking to her as I do the rest of the time. I get much less nervous in sessions than I used to, but I still can't seem to feel things in the moment with her.

notme9, I quoted your whole post because I could have written the exact thing!! All through most of 6 years of therapy that happened to me, in various degrees. Whenever I was away from my T, I wanted to be with her, in a very desperate, childish way. But in the session, I almost always acted like an adult and like you, I didn't feel much in the moment with her. But as soon as I left the session and got in my car, the feelings would hit me, and I would often cry. I would think about her all of the time, and sometimes call her, but when I went for my next session I wouldn't feel anything. If I talked about my feelings, they came out much more watered down than they were in my mind, at home.

Why does this happen to us? I know in my situation, I felt too embarrassed/self-conscious to tell my T my real feelings. We are about the same age, so it felt really dumb to talk about my childish yearnings for her. But little by little, I did tell her, especially after I learned more about transference. Then I realized my baby/childish feelings weren't REALLY for her, so it felt okay to talk about them with my T. They were still much stronger at home than with her. It was still difficult to talk about them, but I did. I also wrote her a couple of poems in which I shared those types of feelings.

Have you discussed the problem with your T? At least then she knows what's going on and can help you feel more comfortable with sharing the child part of you. E-mails are good, but in my opinion, if you rely too much on being open with your T in writing, it doesn't help you to be there and feel with her in the session. I found that the only way to conquer my fear and self-consciousness was by doing it, even if I had to look anywhere but at her when I was talking about it. So, hang in there, notme. How long have you been seeing this T? Maybe you just need more time. These things can't be rushed.

Thanks, Echoes. You're right that it is good that I'm less nervous lately in sessions...maybe that will continue to the point that I can feel things too. And you're definitely right that I should talk to T about it at some point.

Thanks, Rainbow8. I'm glad to hear others have the same thing happen. I have never cried or really gotten too emotional in session (sometimes I stop talking if I'm too upset), but mostly I just go blank or become very matter of fact. But right after the session I feel tons of things and wind up emailing her. So she knows what I'm feeling...I guess I just wish I could be feeling it when she was there to support me when it happened. The few times we've had phone sessions or calls, it has been really nice because I've felt things while I'm talking to her and she can respond to that. Unfortunately, seeing her in person seems to be too much and I freeze up.

Thanks, Dreamseeker9. That's really interesting advice your T gave you. I'm always shocked by how patient and understanding my T is. Like, I expect her to get fed up/punish me if I "misbehave" but she never seems to take it personally when I get upset. Very much not like the real world.

Thanks, Treehouse. I think you're on to one of my questions here: "I know DID isn't a pre-requisite for letting those young "selves" into the room." I do read "parts" and "ego states" in some people's posts, but I know nothing about any of that. But certainly I do feel "young" feelings sometimes, and at first I hated them, but now I am just confused by them. It's definitely not anything I've been able to show my T in person as it happens, though I've told her bits in emails so I know she's aware of it. I don't know. Maybe it's better that I'm just aware of them and can work through them analytically, but not give in to them and act them out. I don't know how much she would be able to respond to those young feelings anyway, so maybe it's better that it doesn't get tested.

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone. I appreciate it.

[Kiya]

Notme, that is well put. I am the same way.... in fact, even in dreams, when i dream about the clinic or about her - it is not in a needy way, and in fact is more like she is not there, not helping, not available. she has commented on this and finds it curious. she knows the young parts do feel needy in between times or when she is out of town. I don't know why the separation either.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I think it feels safe to be there as an adult. Way too many feelings at risk otherwise.

It is very frustrating because I can't tell her in therapy the things I think about outside of therapy... although I can tell her that this is happens.

Really good points, both. I tend to email T what happens during the week, since i can't talk about them. So last night, t actually asked me to check in and see what thinks i might be thinking about in the week from our session. ironically, what came to mind was a topic i covered in an email and was avoiding.... so i told her that i was still avoiding it and there fore, no point in talking about lol! We were in a different room than usual and she didn't have my emails to look at - awww shucks!

Update: Well, I had a really frustrating, disconnected session today and left feeling it was all a waste of time. But then my T called to check on me after the session (she has only done this a few times in the entire time I've known her) to make sure I understood what she meant. I guess she could tell it hadn't gone well either. And I got to talk out some difficult feelings in the moment, just like I had wanted. Of course I was a little tongue tied and unprepared since I wasn't expecting her call, but I'm so glad I got to speak to her live when I was actually feeling something. And now I feel nothing but good things for her and therapy in general (it's a amazing how a little sign that she cares can change everything ). So I guess it was a little unexpected progress towards what I was hoping for and hopefully as it happens more I will get more comfortable with it.

Originally Posted by notme9

Update: Well, I had a really frustrating, disconnected session today and left feeling it was all a waste of time. But then my T called to check on me after the session (she has only done this a few times in the entire time I've known her) to make sure I understood what she meant. I guess she could tell it hadn't gone well either. And I got to talk out some difficult feelings in the moment, just like I had wanted. Of course I was a little tongue tied and unprepared since I wasn't expecting her call, but I'm so glad I got to speak to her live when I was actually feeling something. And now I feel nothing but good things for her and therapy in general (it's a amazing how a little sign that she cares can change everything ). So I guess it was a little unexpected progress towards what I was hoping for and hopefully as it happens more I will get more comfortable with it.

That's so great!! Sorry the session was so disconnected, but the phone call sounds fantastic - good for you!

Awwww, I'm glad she called. Those little signs of caring can make all the difference

[rainbow8]

notme, I'm glad that your T called and you were able to "be there" with her and say some difficult things. Yeah, like the thread we had a while ago, it's "the little things" our Ts do that are the most meaningful to us regardless of T's background, education, or orientation. I think it will become easier for you now that you've started the process of letting your feelings out in your T's presence.