[hangingon]

Sorry I have not posted for awhile. I was having a hard time with having my therapist gone for 3 weeks and it was difficult reading PC at that time.
I saw her last night for the first time since her vacation and it was actually ok. I was so anxious about going but when I got there we just small talked for awhile. I feel like I talked about a million different things (I did talk about a million different things ).
She wanted me to talk with her about what I was feeling when she was away because I told her I ended up calling my school counselor to meet with her when she was away. I told her it was just a lot of things. There is just so much going on. I even admitted to having feelings of not even wanting to talk with my family.

She said I really have to work on creating some boundaries with them because I am the one they always come to and it gets very overwhelming for me because I have things I am dealing with myself (although they don’t know that). I told her that I would have such a hard time doing that if anything ever happened to them. Especially after my moms death. She said she didn’t mean stop talking to them but to limit how often and what you talk about. She mentioned the word co-dependency. (I have always taken care of them, that was sort of my roll when I was younger because my parents were doing thier own thing)

I tried to talk with her about what was going on when she was away but I really couldn’t. I felt the tears well up and I knew I couldn’t go there. My school counselor did tell me she wanted me to talk to her about how I fear her quitting her private practice when she starts her new counseling job full time. So I got the nerve to do that, though it took quite awhile to actually spit the words out. It took somme coazxing from my T. She told me that was not her intention at all, that she loves her practice and plans to continue working 2 nights a week with the patient’s she has now. That she wants to work with me.

Again the tears were welling. I told her that if that were to happen, I wouldn’t go see anyone else because I couldn’t do this all over again. In my head I began to connect why this was such a big deal to me (but I didn’t tell her then). I was placed in foster homes a couple of times. My mom never returned when she was supposed to, and every day I would look out the window and ask if this was the day she was coming.

She told me she would return in 2 weeks but it ended up being a couple months. If my T were to stop seeing me it would feel like abandonment all over again to me, and to protect myself I couldn't allow it to happen again. I wouldn’t allow myself to get close to anyone. (I just sent her an email referencing some of this….now it can be addressed, though I am scared to really go there because yes, I will probably just sob.)

She talked some about me learning to work on feeling my anger (I direct it towards myself). I told her I don’t even know how, and that I would probably scare her away. She said that is what she is there for and that it’s safe to do it there, that we will work on that.

Anyways, we ended up going over by a half hour. I was happy that she did that with me.
She even shared with me about her therapist that she had seen years ago and how she had such a hard time when her therapist married and was away for a month. I actually loved that she did that, makes me see she is human.

I am so nervous about sharing about the foster homes via email. It’s like it takes me back to being a child again. I cried while writing it, it’s really crazy how much things can affect us and how we don't even realize it.

[peaches100]

((((Hangingon))))

You are doing really well in being able to share some difficult things with your t. I have used email alot to say things i just can't talk about in session. Sometimes, it then opens the way to talk about it later.

I hear you saying that you want your t to know how you feel but that you are afraid to break down and cry in front of her. Is it because you feel that you shouldn't cry? Or because it makes you feel too vulnerable? With me, it's the fear of being vulnerable. I have this persistent belief that i should be a strong tower and not show any emotional hurting or needs.

I was sad to hear that your mom was not consistent in coming to see you when you were in foster homes. It is not hard for me at all to imagine you at the window, expecting, hoping, waiting, for her to come through the door. . .and then being hurt and disappointed when it didn't happen. I wasn't ever in a foster home, but i remember many times when my parents went out drinking that i'd stand at the window, just like you did, waiting for them to come home when they said they would. But they wouldn't be home. I'd start imagining all sorts of horrible things, like that they'd had a car accident and were lying dead somewhere. I'd feel panicked and sick to my stomach. Then much later, they'd stroll in like nothing was wrong, not even acknowledging that they were late or that i might be worried sick. I remember one time feeling so angry, but not feeling like i could say anything about it. I didn't feel i had the right to be angry since they were the parents. So i swallowed all the anxiety and fear and anger I'd felt. And i kept on doing it through all of my childhood in many other situations too.

Hangingon, I can't imagine how much worse it must have been for you to wait and hope, and then some days, your mom would not come at all. I'm sooooo sorry you had to feel this pain as a little girl.

I know that your t will accept what you tell her with caring and grace. I know it's hard to allow yourself to open up and let the grief and other feelings out. You probably never felt like it was OK to do it as a child. But it is OK to let all that pain that you've stored up come out -- maybe just a little bit at a time as you can tolerate it -- in your work with your t.

It's OK to give voice to your experience and your feelings now in the presence of your t. . .in the safety of the therapy room. You should have been able to express your pain as a child, and had help from adults to process all that pain. So many of us on PC didn't have that opportunity. Now we have alot of stuck and stuffed feelings that make our lives so difficult, and it just doesn't work to stuff it all down anymore. The pain and experiences from a long time ago are crying out to be heard. For once, there is somebody who wants to listen: our t. We just need to get to the point where we feel safe enough in their presence to let those long buried feelings come up.

I am sending you warm strength and cyber hugs.

I am glad you came back here! It was weird not having you around. I am glad that you seeked out your counselor at school when you needed someone, that action is huge! In fact it is a good idea to keep her in your back pocket just in case.

THere was a time when I thought your T wasn't going to work out with you, I still think she was wrong with how she handled some things, but it seems like she must have worked it out maybe in her own therapy. I am glad she is helping you again.

I think sometimes ruptures help the relationship. I think sometimes we expect T's to be perfect in the relationship, but they are human afterall and can mess up (even professionals) I know I was ready to quit my T and even seeked out another one. But when I found out the how awful this person was, I realized my T wasn't THAT bad. LOL At least she is willing to learn and now things are really feeling relaxed between us. I am opening up more and she is honoring that.
T relationships is a strange thing...

((((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))

I am so glad she is back

It sounds like a really connected session. And I LOVE how she told you how she felt when her therapist went away for a month. Like, how can she not accept your fears of abandonment, and your missing her, when she has had those feelings herself?? Hearing that would make me feel very safe.

I'm glad you're back on PC, too

hangingon, so glad your T is back, and that you had a great first session back! I think it's wonderful that your T knows just how you felt with her gone, as she experienced it also with her then-T. I admit, I'm dreading a bit when my T goes on vacation next month, I don't know what I'll feel!

She talked some about me learning to work on feeling my anger (I direct it towards myself). I told her I don’t even know how, and that I would probably scare her away. She said that is what she is there for and that it’s safe to do it there, that we will work on that.

I totally direct my anger at myself, too - anger scares me, and I don't like to feel it, much less express it. Let me know if you figure out any good techniques!

[hangingon]

Peaches,

I think my not wanting to cry in front of my T is a mixture of both the crying and being vulnerable part. We were always harrassed for crying in our home. My dad would make fun of us, so I resorted to only doing it alone in my room.

I think a bigger part is being vulnerable, it's scares me to really open up like that. It just feels like I am giving up control or something, it's so hard to explain.

I did bury my face in the arm of the chair in session one day and ball my eyes out. For some reason I just could not hold the tears back in that session. It was so unexpected. My T was great about it though. She sat right on the floor next to my chair, rubbing my back, talking to me, trying to get me to look at her. I didn't look until I stopped crying but she continued to sit on the floor near my chair for awhile even after I stopped.
I have only done that once in the 7 months I have seen her.

There are so many days where I feel like I can do that but I just hold back and don't allow myself. But most often I go there with the intention of staying strong.

Exoticflower,

Thank you!
My T told me she was very happy that I sought out my school counselor as well.
My school counselor told me she would have responded so differently to me bringing up the changes in time and how it was affecting me. She told me she would have addressed my feelings formost. She would have said something like, I'm so sorry that you sat hurting with this for so long not being able to tell me ect. She said, your T wasn't just having a bad day, there was probably more to it than that. She was happy that my T had tried to make things right after that.
She told me that I need to choose to take her at her word and trust her that if I can't then I would remain stuck. That if that were the case to let her know because she knows of someone that she really likes whom she could refer me to if needed. I told her that I am going to try to trust my T and work through this.

She wants me to let her know how things go.
You are right they are human. My school counselor T told me that she battles with things internally sometimes as well and really has to say it's not about me, it's about my client and what they need.

It's really good that things are working between you and your T! Sometimes getting through those ruptures makes a huge difference.

Treehouse,

Thank you, there certainly was something comforting in her sharing that with me. I even put that in the email I sent her last night. That it allows me to see her as human.

Somehow, it really helps with connecting as well, at least for me.

Dreamseeker,

LOl, if I find something out I will let you know.
I also do not express anger, I usually internalize it. I told my T that I really don't know how to do it. Growing up I always told myself I would never be like my dad, he was always so angry. He was abusive as well. She said something about me being afraid of it and how we need to work on that. That its really ok to feel it and important.

[chaotic13]

Hangingon, I'm glad you are working through things and are seeing your T as being worthy of your trust. It took me a very long time to really trust my T. I totally get the difficulty with crying. The part of my last session that has been playing over and over in my head was my Ts comment about it being normal to feel like crying for no apparent reason. For whatever reason I am still trying to figure out the crying thing.

[mayarose]

I really relate a lot to what you say. Thank you for telling about it. I am glad you have such a close relation with your T.

[hangingon]

Chaotic,
Thanks, I can't say that I am not still having a hard time with it but I am trying hard as heck to trust her. It doesn't come easy for me at all.

Yeh, I haven't quite figured out the crying thing yet either. Every session I feel like I could but I don't allow myself to because I would probably start criticizing myself for crying every session. However, most often it hits me when I am not in therapy and I think that at that moment if I were in session I would ball my eyes out. I find that I don't really allow myself to do it outside of therapy either.


Mayrose,
Your welcome. I must say that I don't have a really close relationship with my T yet, but I am really working it. Trust doesn't come easy for me at all.

[chaotic13]

I totally get what your saying about thinking that if you were in therapy you would cry your eyes our but in reality you don't allow your self to go there.

Honestly, my sadness often hits me after therapy. During therapy, IDK I can be thinking or even talking about some really painful stuff in therapy...but the actual feelings of sadness don't surface. Weird!

[hangingon]

Exactly Chaotic, thats how I feel alot too. Sometimes a few tears do come but I hold back with everything I have from actually letting them all out flow, even though inside it feels like a flood gate is waiting to be released. I'm not quite sure why that is; my T tells me all the time that its totally ok and normal to cry. That its actually good but I can't seem to allow myself.

She reminded me that one time I did let alot of tears go on session and I survived it. That I was still able to move on. That came after me telling her that I felt like I would lose control if I let to tears flow, and that they would never stop.

My saddness hits me more after therapy as well. I can sit there and be a total mess inside and not let my T see that , yet inside I am feeling it and so wanting her to know but am afraid to let her. There is something about being alone with it that gets to me. Yet, when I am with her, I have a hard time letting the tears out. It can be so confusing.

[chaotic13]

Yeah, now that I've reflect on this new piece of info about crying it makes perfect sense. If touch can cause buried disconnected, long forgotten emotions to surface, then it makes sense sounds, smells, and other stimuli from the environment can do trigger this too. It also makes sense that in an environment that is perceive as safe, we tend to relax our grip and lower the threat level out of the hypervigilant, constriction, or freezing state and the old energy is released in some physical way. It kind of makes sense to me intellectually.

As I've thought about this all week, I've begun to see that I can say, "Yes" to my Ts question last session. She asked me, 'Haven't you ever been moved to spontaneous tears by something beautiful and not have any reason?' I have had this happen a lot only the tears don't make it all the way out.

Its been comforting for me to realize that I actually HAVE or experience these deep ocean currents. I AM HUMAN! Maybe it is good that the tsunami never reaches land. At least I feel it.