[sw628]

Since T's return from vacation, I have had this deep seeded anger in the pit of my stomach. That anger has grown so much that i question whether or not I need to cancel my session this week, because i know it will be unproductive. I can't quite pinpoint what the anger might be. I felt like i was making so much progress before her vacation, then came the 3 week break and it's been downhill since then. Our communication has been awful! I've continually had to deal with missed phone sessions and emails. I'm so pissed because it's like T doesn't give a damn. I feel like I'm her puppet and she can do anything she wants to me.I have to be "OK" with that and this is eating me up. I feel like there is no possible way that I can allow myself to open up to T again not under these circumstances. Everything seems so unstable and shaky. I'm sorry if this makes no sense, i just needed to write out what my thoughts were. Has anyone ever been in this position? Is there something wrong with me?

[rainbow8]

I don't think you should cancel your session because you are angry. I think that you need to talk to your T about your anger and let her help you figure out where it is coming from. The anger is a reason to go to your session. It sounds like you DO know some of why you are angry. You say so here:

I'm so pissed because it's like T doesn't give a damn. I feel like I'm her puppet and she can do anything she wants to me.I have to be "OK" with that and this is eating me up.

Can you tell her that?

It also seems like you may be angry because she took a 3 week vacation. That would be something to discuss in your session also.

[Confused_1982]

A few months back I had a similar situation- T was on a conference so we missed a session. Before he went he emailed me to check I was ok, which I wasn't. I had to force myself not to call him, so his email came a such a relief. But he didnt respond for a couple of days, and by that time I was in complete meltdown and didnt know what to do. His response to my email was very brief, like he couldn't care less. So I called him, he didnt answer and I left a message (I NEVER call T unless I'm sui). 3 days later he called (from the conference) and he really didnt help, so I cut the conversation short. I was REALLY mad with him, and it ate me for the rest of the week, until our next session. I was thinking similar thoughts to you- that everything is on his terms.

Anyway, I wrote A LOT that week, and some of it I took to T. We talked about it and he admitted that his response was counter-productive and that he could see how I felt dismissed. I still havent found out why it took him so long to call me back, but I HAVE been able to continue on our "path" because he is VERY good at resolving ruptures in our relationship.

I would go back to the next session, tell T how you have felt since she has been away, and see how she responds. I would think she will understand and will be able to give you her take on things, and you can try and re-build your relationship from there. Please don't give up until you have spoken to her about this.

[Lifsuks]

Hi sw628,
With all that anger directed towards your T, I think rainbow8 is right, you should talk to your T. If you like your T, the only way to get back to the relationship you once had or would like to have, is to discuss your feelings w/ her. It seems this anger started when she went on vacation, then that is where you have to start in discussing your deep-seated feelings, esp. since it is "eating you up". I think a lot of us have strong feelings of abandonment when our T's go on vacation; 3 weeks does seem like a long time. However, this is something that is going to happen--T's have their own families and lives. I know I would have a hard time not seeing my T for such a long time, but maybe the next time your T goes on vacation, maybe you can ask her if you can keep in contact w/ her, either thro' email or occasional phone calls, or even postcards. And don't worry about not making sense; this is exactly the reason why you should talk to your T: to make sense out of all these feelings. Take care...

[ECHOES]

It is curious how anger is often present upon T's return from a break/vacation.
I am one of those who is fine with upcoming breaks, good during the break, but then when T returns, all the emotions come flooding in....

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by sw628

i question whether or not I need to cancel my session this week, because i know it will be unproductive. I can't quite pinpoint what the anger might be. ?

If you can begin you pinpoint what the anger might be, then it won't be unproductive.

I can relate to your plight as this is the core of what we work on in therapy. Often times I've wondered what the point is of having to deal with this anger and how can T be of any help if she continues to take breaks when she can see how destroyed I feel. what she does is allows me to talk about the anger and listens and sometimes offers things that will help, ie the email contact during breaks and each break and each time we work on my anger I get and it gets validated and listened to and my innner strenght and ablity to bear her being away grows. For me in my past no one could tolerate my feelings of bereftment so it became some great big monster, the healing comes in reliving these situations and having them validate and respected. Sounds a bit crass, but it really is as basic as this. I thought somewhere in my mind that my anger could only be solved if I could make T jump into action in the direction I wanted, thats not the answer, the answer is having someone not have to jump into unthought action, but remain solid to who they are but not minimising what I am feeling. ITs tough, but keep talking about it with T.

Originally Posted by sw628

Has anyone ever been in this position? Is there something wrong with me?

((((((((((((((((sw)))))))))))))))))

Yes, I was in this position ALL SUMMER, and it was incredibly painful. T had break after break after break and he was never back long enough for us to reconnect before he was gone again. I DID get really angry and came thisclose to just quitting.

But I have put so much work in, and I knew T and I were connected at one point, so I just kept showing up. It was awful and I hated it, but somehow T and I found our way out of the angry, disconected place and we're back on track now. And it feels good and I'm glad I didn't run away when it was SO TEMPTING to leave.

I do hope you will go to your session...the only way to get past this is to move through it, with T. It's okay to be angry.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((( dear sw )))))))))))))))))))

makes PERFECT sense to me (welcome to my world. it's so hard, but at least you can know that you're not alone). Don't cancel your appointment - when you are upset, MAKE NO CHANGE - wait for a time of peace.

((((((((((((((( sw )))))))))))))))))))

Your feelings are valid. I think others have given great advice - keep that appointment, and discuss those feelings with your T.

A friend of mine recently described therapy as a process in which we pull back a curtain, only to find another door to open - there's always more to discover, more depth to our emotions than we may realize. It's T's job to help us figure it out. Give your T a chance to help you walk through that door and see what's on the other side of your anger.

[sw628]

Thanks everyone for the meaningful advice. It just helped to write down what I was feeling and receive a different point of view. I feel so guilty for being so angry, yet I am. There is no way to get around that other than to talk with T about that. I do understand that T has a family/life blah blah so she will HAVE to take vacations. I do too. I want T to because I know how much emotional weight she has to carry. That's why i feel so awful for having these feelings. I never get angry with T or upset. I hold everything in. That's just the way I am. This is how I deal with anger and disappointment. Never the less, I won't cancel my appointment tonight. I need to be able to tell T what is happening or I might explode.
Thanks all!