[deliquesce]

i got my assignment done today. it is still a week late (even after an extension) BUT i didn't let my perfectionism get in the way again. i only let the OCD derail me for an hour or so. in fact, i handed in something really, really embarrassing, but Austin-T said he knew i had it in me and well done. i feel like bouncing off the walls - first time i've handed in something i know is absolutely half-arsed - but it feels nice to know i can do it.

AND i saw pdoc today, and i told him about honours and he went absolutely pink with pleasure, it was so cute. he kept trying not to smile while i was telling my story, and at the end he said he knows me too well that he'd guessed just from my first line. he loves that he is able to read me, he thinks it's such a cool trick. i knew he knew also, but i thought it was sweet that he tried not to smile so that i could finish my story.

i told him about my brain snap last week. that was really difficult and he was really sad . he sat with me in silence for a few moments, and it felt really heavy. but i like that he just said that they'd pushed me to that extent and he was sorry. he didnt make out that there was something wrong with me. and he also told me that this is the sort of thing that would have made me depressed for weeks, and instead i'm in a really good place right now today, so we marvelled at that for a while too.

we have decided that there is no rush, but maybe it is time for me to pick up my part time work again. my boss adores me, so she kept my position open since april when i tried to resign, and instead just asked me to take however long i needed.

i just can't believe that everything is finally finally finally coming together again. i am seeing progress with uni, and i am going to re-enter work (and maybe get a more relevant research position - fingers crossed!), and my mood isn't black, and i am seeing friends on sunday and everything just feels so good. i even went for an hour long run today(!). pdoc says i will move out when i am ready, but that it's something to celebrate that i can even get this far again. he wants me to try and keep things stable - not add too much (e.g., by moving out) until i'm functional at this level for a while longer. summer usually coincides with my blackest, bleakest depressions (every summer since i've seen pdoc has been one where we've considered ECT and/or hospitalisation) so if i can get through this summer relatively unscathed then i will be flying.

pdoc said he is happy to see me next week, but that we can just check in over the phone if i dont need a longer session. wowowowow, i am graduating from a weekly to fortnightly session again. everything just feels so good.

(((((((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))))))))

Ahhhh, it's so wonderful that everything is coming together. Look at the progress you've made!!! I LOVE that you let yourself turn in an assignment that wasn't "perfect"...Austin-T must have been so proud!

I think what p-doc said is really wise...to not push things too much. When I start feeling really good, I start thinking "well, if I feel this good, I could do THIS, and change THIS, and add THIS to my life..." and sometimes I overwhelm myself. Let yourself feel how good this feels, and adjust to feeling good...THEN make changes.

I am proud of you!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

.... he also told me that this is the sort of thing that would have made me depressed for weeks, and instead i'm in a really good place right now today, so we marvelled at that for a while too.

dear Deli ! you have really made my day (it's very early here, we are just getting started). Thanks for making me smile. I am so happy for you!!
SAWE

PS - be sure to let us know when you move out, I will get some champagne or something and just celebrate

[deliquesce]

Originally Posted by treehouse

(((((((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))))))))

Ahhhh, it's so wonderful that everything is coming together. Look at the progress you've made!!! I LOVE that you let yourself turn in an assignment that wasn't "perfect"...Austin-T must have been so proud!

I think what p-doc said is really wise...to not push things too much. When I start feeling really good, I start thinking "well, if I feel this good, I could do THIS, and change THIS, and add THIS to my life..." and sometimes I overwhelm myself. Let yourself feel how good this feels, and adjust to feeling good...THEN make changes.

I am proud of you!

Austin-T was proud . but lol, he is such a task master he has already started texting me about the next assignment (even though he is away on a conference). i am so so so lucky pdoc thought to refer me to him, and that Austin-T has kept working with me. he normalises a lot of the OCD stuff i do, and just wants me to be able to make it work for me, not stop it completely. recently he has started gently nudging at me to try and get behind the scenes, so to speak, but i think he is doing it very slowly - getting a tiny morsel of info and then letting it go until the following week.

yah, i'm glad pdoc doesnt want me to move out just yet. i have had so much pressure put on me to do that before, and i think he's come around to see that i really need to believe i can do it before i just jump straight into it. a lot of our therapy lately has been about adjusting to feeling good again, as weird as that sounds. feeling good does feel overwhelming at times, without adding anything to the mix. i feel like i'm waiting for the side effects to wear off .

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

dear Deli ! you have really made my day (it's very early here, we are just getting started). Thanks for making me smile. I am so happy for you!!
SAWE

PS - be sure to let us know when you move out, I will get some champagne or something and just celebrate

oh, thank you (((((SAWE))))). i will invite everyone over when i finally move out... so there's yer warning to start saving pennies for a flight over, ok?

[peaches100]

Deli,

I am SO HAPPY for you!

Therapy is hard work, and it's exciting when we see that our efforts pay off! It feels good when we're able to feel some joy, and when things finally begin to fall in line for us. I'm so glad you're experiencing this growth and forward movement.

[phoenix7]

I am sooooo happy for you Deli - congrats on doing so well - i am so glad you have pdoc and austin T

please make sure you take some time just for you to celebrate this if you can - even if its jsutmlaying down andlistenening to music...

I love hearing happy stories like yours, it give me and so many hope that we can get there too! Congratulations!

deli, i love this thread of yours because even though you just went thru something so tough you aren't letting it stop you. you are celebrating your victories and continuing all your hard work. i'm going to copy you. i've had a rough few days with a stupid Rx problem and feel like i had my own little mind snap. but everything else is going well so even tho yesterday (today? still haven't gotten to sleep yet) was horrid i'm going to keep going with my schooling and other good things i have going on lately. like you i'm amazed that things are starting to come together even tho i'm just at the very beginning of it. it's so easy for me to get discouraged and give up and i think i'm finally starting to get past that. we don't have to let the crummy stuff stop us in our tracks.

[sunrise]

You're doing so great, deli. Way to go! I loved reading of all your successes, and turning in the less-than-perfect paper. I think Austin-T has become OC about keeping you on track with uni. It's a good thing! Austin-T is using his own issue to benefit you.

[deliquesce]

yay, thanks guys! PC is really important to me, because this is where i get to share all my therapy successes and woes. of course, it happens in therapy also, but it is nice to be excited away from that hour/room also .

sunny - Austin-T is becoming increasing open about his "things" with me, and i find it so cool. that someone can be so functional with all of that going on. for me it is like healthy modelling - i get to watch him deal with similar stuff, but not let it take over his life. he told me if i got my assignment in i could celebrate by lining up my shoes in the closet, and i was like ?! and he was like, "oh wait, that's my issue not yours ".

also, he is starting to dig a little bit deeper, which i'm finding scary. atm he is just making comments and then moving on to something different if i dont respond. but he's also showing me it's ok to be vulnerable, because he tells me about why his stuff all developed and so i think maybe one day when i'm brave enough i can maybe open up too.

((((bloom)))) - i'm touched that my thread can encourage someone else to keep soldiering on also . i went out with my friends today for my birthday, and usually i would have avoided it because bdays have always been awkward for me, but they took me out for brunch and gave me all these cool presents and stuff and it felt really nice that they spoilt me like that.

they have always been really good to me but i think a lot of the time i dont allow them to be. i am having a few health scares atm which i am trying not to think about, but maybe i can let them know and they will support me? i had to go for surgery last year to check for cancer, and they were pretty upset that i'd known for months before i told them.

the fact that im even considering telling them when i'm not "in control" is progress, i think. although sometimes progress is hard to judge. i dont know if its a good thing to burden my friends like that either.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

the fact that im even considering telling them when i'm not "in control" is progress, i think.... i dont know if its a good thing to burden my friends like that either.

Well, there isn't really a rule about what you should and shouldn't share with your friends (or burden them with). It depends a lot on how they'll take it. Since that's something you can't know without at least testing the waters, I'd suggest trying out one (small) revelation with one (selected) friend, seeing how they react, and following up (or not) accordingly.

It might be difficult to gauge their reaction accurately if they didn't say anything in response. In that case I might follow up with a question, though at the moment I'm not sure exactly how I'd want to phrase it. Possibly -- but don't hold me to this -- "Was that too much information for you?"

...although sometimes progress is hard to judge.

I figure it's all progress, though some of it will take you through spaces you may not like so well.

[imapatient]

Deli, this is great news. Progress.

But to play devil's advocate, be sure that you don't over-think this sucess beyond the immediate progress and sucess. You'll have diffiult, depressed times ahead most likely, and you might feel worse off than before becasue you think you'd made extraordiany progress in general and will feel like you really screwed up getting so down.

I'd say this to anyone, so it's not a comment on you or that I don't think you're improving. It's the nature of therapy of 2 step up, 1 step back. I've been where you're at, that's why I warn.

Plz don't take this personally--we all do this sort of thing, and it's great to known how good you can feel about yourself now compared to a few months ago.

[deliquesce]

no, thank you, impy . pdoc is getting excited but there is a part of me that is worried about summer coming up and how i will cope. thankfully honours will start in late january next year, and if i am organised i can even start working on my thesis earlier. but even so... i am worried about the lack of structure. but then i remind myself that i was working this year also, and that was a bad depression too. so i am scared about summer coming up, but i am also trying to adopt an attitude of "we'll see what comes". maybe if i am doing well now, then the depression might not be as bad this summer. i am pretty much counting on its arrival, which makes me wonder if i am inviting it somehow.

BUT, i do have a nice 6 weeks (filled with exams *sigh*) until then, so i intend to enjoy it while it lasts. i just hope the depression doesn't come early, and i also hope that if it comes it is something i can fight off without letting it settle in. i dont know. i've started exercising again, and that helps me feel more in control, so i will try to make it habitual with the time i have left.

fooze - you're right. i'm scared of being rejected though, because it affects them also. and i feel sad that i'm the "sick one" in the group, always. i dont want to draw even more attention to it. i dont know.