When I started therapy 2 years ago, the thought of parenting myself in ANY WAY was so upsetting to me. I felt so hurt and betrayed and like it just wasn't FAIR that I wasn't parented as a child, and that now I have to parent my boys AND me. Really, though, T HAS reparented me in a lot of ways.

I woke up today really needing T...I don't see him until tomorrow. I decided to write him an e-mail to think it through. This is what I sent him:

"Hi T

I am trying to figure something out.

I feel like I need you A LOT right now. So, what I am trying to figure out is...what is it that I get from you that I need? And is there some way for me to get it without you??

So. I'm trying to figure out what I get from you. Attention? A break from having to be in charge of everything and everyone? The chance to be totally honest about what's going on with me? All of that makes sense. And those are all hard things to get in real life. Especially the break...I actually feel like I could just come and lay on your couch for 50 minutes and not even have you BE there and I could get part of what I need!

Ooooh - maybe the chance for the loud little parts to be loved and heard? THAT seems possible. I can hear them and feel them. They want to sit with you and be loved. I guess I should be able to give that to them. But I can't yet. Maybe I can give them something. Maybe we can color today.

Mornings are weird. I'm sleepy and it's quiet and nothing is distracting me and I'm not busy and it's not loud in the house with all of the boys. That is when it's loudest in my head, and when I miss you the most.

Plus, I just like you. I would never, ever want you to be anything but my therapist, because I feel really lucky that you are my therapist. But that doesn't stop me from liking you and missing you.

Okay, so now that I've written all of this out, how can I get what I need?
- let littles color
- get H to sit with us some when he wakes up - to hold our hands and just let us be safe
- send this e-mail to connect with you
- just let myself feel a little sad that there are some things I need that I can't get right now
- ask for a reply so I know that you are there and you can hear me
- be gentle with me, because the little parts that need that are so close to the surface
- and at the same time, get busy with my loud boys to quiet things down some - not in a mean "I want everyone in my head to go away" way, but just in a "I hear you, but I need a break now" kind of way

Still, it would be easier if it were Wednesday at 3!!!

Write back when you can, ok?? That would help too.

thanks for listening and letting me e-mail"

I wonder if maybe, maybe I am growing up a little?? Letting myself feel the things I need, and trying to find ways to give them to myself. And admitting to myself that I HAVE the needs, and that I feel a little sad.

I DID sit with H when he woke up. I didn't say anything - just sat under a blanket on the couch with him and held his hand. I did tell him to think about me for a minute (instead of work or whatever) so I would know he was there with me. And he did. That was good.

Maybe I CAN find ways to get what I need. Still, I'd rather see T today

Aww, Tree.

How nice that you feel so comforted when you're with your T, and I must say it's rather remarkable that you feel so connected to T so soon after your rupture - it just shows how strong your relationship with your T really is. And I'd say that, yes, it's definitely a very healing step to recognize your needs, to give those needs a voice that both you and T can hear via that email, and to figure out how to meet those needs or how to sit with the sad feeling if you can't meet those needs. Can you teach me how to do all that?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Dear Tree,

you are (and I hardly EVER use this word) awesome.
I hope when you are all grown up - which will be soon - we will still be friends.

It's such a pleasure to know you.

thanks for sharing this!!!

I don't know. I don't think I'm very good at this.

ETA: but you guys are so nice and that makes me feel good

[complic8d]

What a great e-mail! I like how you figure things out as you go along. I do the same when I journal.

I know how you feel about having to reparent yourself. It is just NOT fair! We should have gotten that when we were little. I'm still unsure about how to do this. Some of your suggestions sound good. Sometimes I let my littles cry, or color, or play with my own kids.

Your post sounded so familiar to me that I just had to respond. You are not alone in your needs, your sadness, your desire for t, or your confusion.

Take good care of you and your littles!
HUGS!

[rainbow8]

oh, tree. I want the same things you do. I think you've spoken words that most people here could have written, and in fact, I think most people who do not have "issues" like we do, could have written also. We all need love. We are all basically the same. Thank you for this thread.

[chaotic13]

Treehouse... I've been also experiencing a lot of... immature emotions lately too. I often send brief connectors emails to my T, who is nice enough to accept them. I've been asking myself the same questions you've been asking- What need am I filling with these connections? (I say filling because...when I do this the need IS actually met and I feel better) Is there a way or ways that I can meet this need (whatever it is) in some other way? Preferably within me.

Answering these questions have proven to be challenging. I think I have been open and even very assertive in trying different things, but I still end up dipping in the T-well. I think I have grown up a bit in that I recognize that...1) I have ? need and 2) I am not trying to immediately deny or dismiss it? 3) Although I don't particularly like it, I am TRYING not to criticize myself for having a need. 4) I am trying to find a way to meet whatever it is myself or at least outside of my therapeutic relationship.
IDK... I think this is evidence of at least some maturing on my part.

If in your reflections you figure out what our need is... please post it. As you know it is so hard to get a handle on something that so... nebulous or unknown.

[BlueMoon6]

Tree- I learn so much from you. So much about growing up. I dont even know what growing up is, but what you wrote truly is what growing up must feel like. I also want to say how remarkable it is that you feel so connected and are so close to t so soon after your rupture. And the truth is, that is a good example of how he has re-parented you. A good, loving parent is consistant. As t is. You are upset, he is upset, you have a rupture, you talk, it is hard, but your relationship is exaclty the same. He is the same as he was, if not even closer than he was before. You know each other well. This is a REAL relationship. I am learning how to grow up from you. And from your t who we all have never met!

Originally Posted by Treehouse

I wonder if maybe, maybe I am growing up a little?? Letting myself feel the things I need, and trying to find ways to give them to myself. And admitting to myself that I HAVE the needs, and that I feel a little sad.

I DID sit with H when he woke up. I didn't say anything - just sat under a blanket on the couch with him and held his hand. I did tell him to think about me for a minute (instead of work or whatever) so I would know he was there with me. And he did. That was good.

Maybe I CAN find ways to get what I need. Still, I'd rather see T today

In the end, Tree, this is what it is all about. You'd rather see t, but look how gentle and nurturing you are with yourself. To aks for what you need and to even give yorself a break when you feel you need it. What a lesson for all of us. I know you feel sad and you want t, but look how much you love Tree and Tree Littles. You have so much love to give and you are giving it to the most important person! And you even looked to H for what you need. Im going to do that with my H because you could do it with your H. Thank you, Tree

T's reply:

Hey treehouse - Now that is mindfulness, awareness, and intentionality of your internal wisdom to the nth degree. Way to go. Honoring the process is honoring you, and you are worth honoring. I will see you tomorrow.

[BlueMoon6]

His words take my breath away. I dont know what else to say

[chaotic13]

Hmmm... interesting response from your T.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

Hmmm... interesting response from your T.

Interesting good or interesting bad?

I will say that T's strength does NOT lie in his e-mail/writing skills Our discussion about the e-mail in session (and after session on a couple of LONG voice mails) was much deeper and more "fleshed out". T's responses basically mean "I hear you"...but I've asked him to say SOMETHING besides "I'm here" or "I hear you" so he has to come up with other short sentences! lol

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by treehouse

T's responses basically mean "I hear you"...but I've asked him to say SOMETHING besides "I'm here" or "I hear you" so he has to come up with other short sentences! lol

You inspire me in that you can even say THAT to him!

[velcro003]

Oh, Tree!! I want to cuddle with your T! He sounds so amazing.

[MissCharlotte]

(Tree)
Thanks for sharing those thoughts. I too have found a deeper connection with H as a direct result of my therapy. It's funny, I remember when I first began T and T would ask me if H were home or if I had told him something or other. I used to think that meant I wasn't supposed to be telling T these things! Oy. I also share your need to "get busy with the boys" in order to quiet down the inner turmoil. I was describing it to T the other day and he said it sounds like chatter. I thought that was a great word to describe it.

Take gentle care of you.

[sunrise]

tree, I love your email to T.

I really like this part. I feel that way too (about my T!):
Plus, I just like you. I would never, ever want you to be anything but my therapist, because I feel really lucky that you are my therapist. But that doesn't stop me from liking you and missing you.

I like your T's response too--the part about internal wisdom. You do have internal wisdom.