Don't know if I will survive to do this with my T

This is the time of the year where I have lost so many people I care about. My brother was killed by my mom 2 yrs. ago this last Sat, my dad died a couple days before X-mas, my father in law who was like a father in Jan, my first granddaughter died 27 days after birth 2 yrs. next week.

There are so many others too other times of the year.

My T wants to work on this. I am scared. I trust her but I don't know if I can open that box, I don't trust I can handle it. It is SO painful and I am still not completely comfortable with crying. I did today some with T but there is years of grief to work through. My T asked me if I wanted an another session and I don't know what to do. I sure do need some relief because I am in so much pain, but I just don't know if I can do what she will want to do in order to help with this. I used to get punished for crying when I was abused, my T knows this, so crying leaves me feeling very scared.

My brother never had a funeral or anything, I thought I had dealt with a lot of this earlier with my other T, but now with this T of mine, she has me feeling my feeling more. I can't suppress them like I used to. I just don't know if I can ever be brave enough to do this. I feel so weak and this subject makes me feel so vulnerable. My mom still threatens my life so when my brother died of complications from prior child abuse, it is VERY real.

I told my T in an email that I was very scared of losing myself but I don't know what to do, the feelings are so out there right now. These feeling go way back to so many people I have lost. Each one is an ordeal in itself. I just don't know if I am strong enough to to do this. I don't know what to do.

I wrote this prose poem a month ago or so, it is very triggery so please be careful.
x
x
x
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Brother

I drank it, even though it was blue like a voodoo elixir of life that would somehow change the fact he was found dead today, but it was just Kool-aid. Autopsies speak in tongues. Too many lesion seizures, merits measured by silver-spooned scabs upon scabs. Racquetballs ricocheted through his brain, maybe it was mine, I don’t remember. Family traditions of playing bowling with our heads, Simon with hot colored light bulbs and finding buckshot before Hoppy and Bugsy are gutted and served, all to honor thy mother. I still don’t like games much. Thirty-six year-old centipedes eventually can’t walk when their legs are plucked one by one from birth.Can anyone stop the spew of a stomach virus? A two lined death notice in an unknown city to announce her accomplishment of putting him in her gum wrapper to toss away; I will never let her chew me anymore.

((((((((((((((((( dear Exoticflower ))))))))))))))))))

Oh.... I'm so sorry for your losses.

I hope your T can help you release some of your pain. please accept this gentle hug from me

and I will remember you in my prayers.
SAWE

Thanks for the hugs SAWE, I sure need them! My T wants me to come in tomorrow and I haven't emailed her back if I am going to. I feel a little better this morning but just scared. Therapy is scary I think and this is such a huge issue for me. My T says it has a lot to do with abandonment in my life. I get all nausous even thinking about it. How do you grieve, I am not sure I even know how...

((((((((((((((((flower))))))))))))))))

I hope you will take the extra session with T. If you go, it doesn't mean you *have* to work on these hard, sad issues. You can go and just let yourself be supported and cared for.

I don't know what the process of grief is. But something I am learning in therapy is that each person's path to healing looks different. T has taught me that we possess inside of us an internal wisdom that will guide us where we need to go to heal. Trust yourself.

Lots and lots of to you. I'm sorry this is such a hard time.

Thanks Tree,

It is funny that you mentioned the thing about each of us having the inside wisdom inside, because my T and I talked about that this week! lol She feels we have the answers that we need, that sometimes they are just muddied up and maybe need help to guide us through it. But we have the answers ourselves.

I told my T this week that we never had kleenex growing up (this is when she set the box next to me) I said we had to use toilet paper. She then asked me, because you weren't allowed to show emotions? I said yeah, and we had a lot of ****** stuff going on at our house. Heehee. She liked that!

I can't believe I am going to see my T again this week! I don't know how I am going to be brave to do this. I guess I asked for help, and that is huge for me. She told me and her other clients that she wouldn't do email therapy anymore, we can email her, but she won't email back unless it has to do with scheduling. But she emailed me 2 times last night because I was feeling really sad. It felt good that she was there for me, something I am not used to. I have always had to learn to do things for myself, grief myself, comfort myself, etc. It felt really good for her to be there for me. ;-)

Flower, that is so so sad, I am so sorry for all the pain you have endured.

(((((((((((((ExoticFlower))))))))))))))

I agree with Tree, that there are lots of different ways to use a therapy session. It needn't be probing or exploring; it can simply be supportive and soothing. You can be "held" and comforted by someone who really knows you and your story, cares about you, and can face the pain and grief that you face. Having someone with us at these times so we are not alone can be profoundly affecting and help so much in getting through the pain. From what you say about your T, if you can let her know how she can best help you right now, she would readily oblige.

Thanks Tapestry,

I am not sure what I need and what I can actually receive from her. I never had anyone to help me with this, so I don't know how to do it. Sounds weird but it is true.
I am kinda wanting to strike while the iron is hot, that has been some of my best therapy sessions. I tend to numb out, so when something is on the surface, it is a good therapy move to go with it. But it is SO SCARY to be SO vulnerable with anyone like that. I am glad I have some major studying to do before I see her, at least I can try to keep my mind off my next session tomorrow and just go in and go with the flow.
Therapy is so hard!
Thanks again for all your support, it is nice having you here.

((((((Exoticflower))))))

Just wanted to give you hugs. You're facing alot of tough stuff in your therapy. I know it's hard to be that vulnerable. Good for you for asking for that extra help when you needed it.

Thanks Peaches,

I guess it is my turn, hugh?

Lean on your therapist during this time. Sometimes we just need the support to get through those hard times. Just being able to voice what we're going through can be a relief valve at times like this.

Thanks farmergirl (are you really a farmer?)

2 more hours.... I feel myself chickening out after ever minute that goes by. oh, dear!

No, I'm not really a farmer (although I come from a long line of farmers). Actually, our school mascot is a farmer (believe it or not). GO FARMERS!! Now that I think about it, I seem to have an affinity to schools with odd mascots. I went to Stephen F. Austin State University and their mascot is a Lumberjack. AXE-EM JACKS!!