[lily99]

Is it bad when it sometimes feels like therapy is causing more stress than before I started? While I know I go through ups and downs in my feelings towards the process.... I worry sometimes that I have some kind of addiction to drama or emotional pain. I'm scared that I'm ruining the relationship with my own insecurities and dramatic fantasies (not that I've allowed myself to talk about them deeply yet...).

This is going to sound weird, but when I'm not session I have "conversations" or act out scenarios with T in my head. I'm much different in my fantasy sessions than in real life...much braver, more open etc. And so is T. I think sometimes I fool myself into thinking my fantasy sessions are how it really is in reality. but then I actually go to session and put up my defences again of being the "perfect client", and of always being nice.

I'm beginning to think that my fantasies are ruling my real relationship.
Eg. If I'm depressed and my thinking is distorted, then my fantasies become darker, revolving more around my needs that she refuses meet, and how she really doesn't care about me and cruelly judges me These fantasies will in turn create so much distress and sadness that I'll consider canceling session.

Sorry for rambling...I don't know what I'm asking. Do I sound like a massive drama queen? because I don't know how to fix these distortions which affect my mood so much. Thanks for reading

[rainbow8]

lily, you're not alone! I've always fantasized about sessions that never happen. I used to be disappointed and frustrated that therapy didn't come close to my fantasies. However, it was important to discuss them in therapy. Even if it's hard for you, I'd suggest telling your T. The stuff you fantasize about is important because it shows your needs, and that is material for discussion in therapy.

For example, I always fantasized that I was running around the room, throwing things. My T would have to hold me, and then I would cry. Talking about this fantasy didn't make it happen, but it helped to realize what my needs were. I also got some of that "need for drama fix" by talking about them, but that was "real", in the session talking, not in my mind.

Hpw long have you been seeing this T? Maybe you're not trusting her completely yet? If you are holding back from telling her your innermost feelings, then it makes sense that you are frustrated and distressed. We don't go to therapy to be "nice" but it takes a long time, sometimes, to get past that feeling. Once you start revealing more of yourself, and your T responds, that may be enough "drama" for you. I always craved intensity in my sessions, and I didn't always get it. When I did, it was both good and bad for me. Too much intensity/drama stirred me up too much. There's got to be a middle ground in therapy.

How to fix the distortions is a process. First, I think you have to discuss them with your T. Then, your sessions may come a bit closer to your fantasies, and satisfy you. Finally, you have to accept that there are limits to what your T can provide for you. What she can give you has to turn out to be "good enough" and it can be.

I hope some of this helps, though it's coming from my perspective, and may not be exactly how it is for you.

[gkeeper]

Originally Posted by lily99

This is going to sound weird, but when I'm not session I have "conversations" or act out scenarios with T in my head. I'm much different in my fantasy sessions than in real life...much braver, more open etc. And so is T.

I do this a lot too. My T and I have a lot of imaginary conversations that he has no idea about. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. On one hand, it gives me the opportunity to refine my thoughts and practice sharing things with him that I might have felt were too overwhelming or too complicated to articulate spontaneously. And sometimes I use it as a delay tactic when I feel like things are getting a little out of control - WWTS - What Would T Say if I told him what I was feeling right now.

On the other hand, I can't really accurately imagine his response to most of the stuff and am sometimes disappointed when conversations don't work out in real life the way they did in my head.

So, no real answers here, just a shout out to say you're not the only one.

[jexa]

(((lily)))

I feel like I could have written your post. That addiction to emotional drama... I think a lot of people have that. I think it's the cause of a lot of people's pain, and I think you are very self-aware and honest to admit to it, whereas others will not admit to it even though they experience the same. I think most people would be ashamed to say this. I know I am.

I write poetry. I find that I can only write well when I am mildly depressed (cannot write at all when it gets really bad though). And in a way, I think that keeps me from happiness. Even though I wish for happiness.

Sometimes I get worse when I am in therapy, too, from focusing so much on my pain. I sink further. I think about therapy for hours a day. It gives me sick pleasure. I feel guilty for that. I do want it to stop, but it's like an addiction, like you said. But I'm talking to my T about this, trying to get past it, because truly, I don't want to live this way.

There are songs about this. Like, have you heard of the band Bright Eyes? They sing, in one song, "And I sing and sing of awful things/The pleasure that my sadness brings." And the band Tegan and Sara.. in one of their songs they sing, "There's a war inside of me/Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song?/Do I push it down?/Or let it run me right into the ground?"

I honestly think the bad is more interesting than the good sometimes, especially for introspective, creative folks. And I think that keeps a lot of people stuck. Have you talked about this with your T? If she's any good, this admission should open some doors in your therapy.. exploring how to get past this to live the life that you really want.

But Lily.. your struggle is the same as mine. I'm not going to have great advice for you because I just don't know how to get past this myself. A lot of times, I'm pretty sure this is all my fault and I shouldn't be in therapy.. I'm trying now to focus on the life I'd really like to live, the life I imagine for myself, and how the way that I behave keeps me from those things. Focusing on what you want from all of this, what you want from therapy, may steer you in the right direction. I'm hoping that's what it will do for me.

Hope this helps.

lily

I think this is very normal. I've always had an active fantasy life, from the time I was a child - T said it was my way of getting my needs met, even back then, creating alter-families to nurture me and take care of me.

As soon as I started seeing T, I would imagine what our next session would be. I love to be in control, I'm a big planner, so I would have all these conversations with T in my head - I still do it, but not as much anymore. I did tell T that I do this, she reassured me that it is very normal.

I have not yet told T of my fantasy of breaking down crying in a session and having T hold me, though I'm sure it wouldn't surprise T one bit - I'm just not ready to tell her that yet, maybe because we just started hugging, and I'm afraid that it might make her more reluctant to hug me, though my head knows that's probably not true. But as T once said, the head has no place in psychtherapy!

I encourage you to discuss these fantasies with your T. And as far as being addicted to emotional drama - I asked my T in our last session if I'm a drama queen, making too much out of all this. T wondered why I was trying to hard to invalidate my feelings. It's painful and scary to feel those deep feelings, so for me, sometimes it's easier to take a step back and convince myself that I'm just making too much out of it all, rather than admitting that yes, it really is a big deal.

Good luck! You're doing great work!!

[lifelesstraveled]

Hi,
I have these fantasies all the time. I have never mentioned this to my T or about all of the fantasies I had growing up...but you are definitely NOT alone in this. I am sure MANY others here have very similar experiences

[lily99]

Thanks for all of your hugs and your insight. I'm hesitant to bring it up with T because I'm going away for a couple of weeks, and then she'll be going away soon on xmas holidays. So I don't want to stir up too many of those "needy" emotions if she won't be around.... then again I'll probably end up feeling them anyway.

I guess I'm scared to talk about it. It's frustrating needing and wanting so much, yet knowing that it won't come.

Take care