Broken Relationship with T

The picture I get is that she has some sort of attachment to you for reasons having more to do with her own history than with you. Instead of working through it (in supervision or otherwise) so that it won't get in the way of therapy, she's trying to justify it to you. She might as well be saying, "I'm not doing very good therapy with you but it's OK because I care so much."

I'm not surprised you feel that way. She sounds like the one who's acting out, not you. Under color of reestablishing good boundaries, she seems to be practicing a corrupt form of "behavior therapy" with you, training you not to tell her anything she doesn't want to hear.

That sounds to me like a perfectly valid question. My answer would be, most likely with a more secure and capable therapist.

I'd think twice before calling your sensitivity a problem that you need to be cured of rather than, say, a talent to be cultivated. If your T doesn't want you notice when she's feeling off balance and out of her depth, your sensitivity may well be posing a bigger problem for her than for you.

I'd do more than wonder -- I'd not only prepare, pretty much the way you're doing here, but if she didn't I'd point it out and ask her about it.

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And that's only if I were you. If I were me, I'd be more likely to ask if she wanted to trade places for part of the session, perhaps in exchange for a sharply reduced fee.

Good point, serafim. I agree.

I am disturbed at how your T handled your angry email. It sounds like she took it personally, when T's are supposed to see beyond that and help you process your feelings. I thought T's are supposed to understand transference and not take things personally. And if they are triggered that is their stuff and need supervision. I don't think, however human, that her issues should come into play here. Therapy is about you and you should not have to worry about hurting your T's feelings. I would feel the same way as you do, that I am being punished for expressing my feelings when that is exactly what I am supposed to be doing in therapy! I could understand her wanting to limit the email, but the phone contact? It really sounds like she is too enmeshed with you and is reacting to that realization by tightening up the boundaries. If that is true, it is her stuff and not your fault. It's always the T's responsibility to maintain proper boundaries.

I'm also very disturbed at the way she greeted you, all red-faced and teary-eyed? Unless it had absolutely nothing to do with your email and she was just having a bad day, that just seems so wrong. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, especially when it took guts to walk in there and face her after sending that email.

((EVERYONE))
I can always count on the PC community for such thoughtful/real advice.

I also remember that I kept trying to explain to T that the email just wasn't about her..many many times. She kept telling me that it was all about our relationship. I did feel that she took it personally, when that wasn't my intent.
T also remarked that she has her hands tied behind her back because no matter what happens now, she will always appear as my Mother of origin. T said that it's so frustrating, but it's is the only way for therapy to work.

I don't know. I'm just so confused and don't know how to act in a therapeutic relationship. I feel as if I have to do everything right and have all of the answers because clearly my T isn't all up to snuff. On top of this, i don't even know where my life is headed or have a since of security in who I really am. I'm 23 yrs. old and began therapy last year for the very first time with college T, who then referred me to my current T. As many issues as we have had, we were able to work through them and I do love my current T so much. I think I wrote in an earlier thread that most times when I leave T, I feel like my cup runneth over with love and happiness. I do feel a strong connection with T as she has so many endearing traits that I simply adore. On the other hand, there are times like this where I wish I had known more about therapy to have interviewed a few T's. It's just such a confusing process. Thanks for your advice

I recently had time to work on my "read pile", including part of Irvin Yalom's The Gift of Therapy. Although he's writing primarily for therapists and students of therapy, there's also a lot in there for clients who are looking to understand the process better.

Kiya recently posted links to several articles by Kathy Broady with what sounds like good advice for clients:
10 Qualities a Therapist Recognizes in a Good Client, part 1
10 Qualities Therapists Recognize in Good Clients, part 2
Protecting Your Therapeutic Relationship and the Therapeutic Community

Interestingly, from your account I don't see where you've gone against any of what Yalom or Broady recommend.

Pssst! No one does! Those who are willing to admit it seem to have a much better shot at finding "a path with a heart" (Castaneda's term) for themselves than those still struggling to hide what they think they're supposed to know. Alan Watts actually wrote a book called The Wisdom of Insecurity.

BlueMoon6 opted to switch therapists a couple of months ago. Here's some of what she's posted about it:

Interviewing a T, 09-04-2009
Speechless, 09-21-2009
Flat Tire t, 09-22-2009
Couldnt do it, 09-23-2009
Another reason to not see t, 09-25-2009
How I want a t to treat me, 10-01-2009
Letter to Desk t, 10-07-2009
Read DT letter to FTT today, 10-12-2009

Of course your mileage is going to vary but whatever you do, best of luck with it and please do keep letting us know what happens.

Who told you that you were hypersensitive? Did your T? You are sensitive, which is a good thing. "Hypersensitive" makes it sound like you are too sensitive and this is some kind of flaw. Good for you that you are a sensitive person! Many people try to develop this quality and cannot.

This is an excellent question and one that I think deserves to be near the top of your list for things to discuss with your T. I guess one solution would be for you not to worry about her feelings and let her deal with them. Would you be able to try not to worry? (I can understand this would be hard, as you would be trying to toe the line so you wouldn't be "punished" by her anymore.) Another solution would be for your T to learn to manage her feelings better, through supervision or taking a course to gain the necessary skills or whatever. I would be interested to hear what solutions your T suggests if you pose this question to her.

Huh? Why is T frustrated? How does she know she will always appear as your Mother of origin? Sounds like she thinks she has your therapy all figured out and is condemning it to only follow one pattern. There's nothing wrong with sometimes casting a T in a mother role, but there's nothing to say it need only and always be that way. Plus, even if you do see her as a mother figure, that can be very therapeutic! I don't see where she is coming from at all on this. She has "hands tied", she is "frustrated," .... bleh.

I hope if she doesn't, you will comment on it. She may not even be aware she is continuing her punishing behavior, or maybe she is. "T, I've noticed that since I sent my email, you don't greet me at the door like you used to. Why is that?"

Everyone here posted exactly what I would have said, so I wont repeat.

Your confusion may come from the same misconception that I had when I was with/leaving desk-t......this is NOT a theraputic relationship. There nis a large part of this relationship that seems to serve her needs. She is trying to conduct therapy the way she knows how and considers it good if she does what she does out of caring. HER caring. And the caring she seems to be expecting from you. This is not theraputic. We all could get that from the dysfunctional people that have been in our lives.

Personally, and it may be so for you, this behavior adds fuel to the fire. It brings up all sorts of negative feelings I already have about myself and my abilities. When I left dt, I realized that (in therapy with ftt) that she reinforced my fears and caused me to withdraw from my feelings in subtle ways.

And I would never for a second say that dt didnt "care" about me. I also had days when I left therapy on top of the world. I realized it isnt reason enough to stay in therapy with her, because those "great" sessions were punctuated by exchanges just like the ones you are describing here. Exactly. Can she really help me if I have to stay within the limits of what she can comfortably hear? Dt would cut me off mid-sentence, make a joke, "will that paper burn my hand if I touch it?" (the paper where I wrote things I wanted to say to her) and abruptly, with a BIG smile, change the subject. As if I was a small child. I couldnt smile back at her, that happened a lot.

Your email to T was honest and where you were at that moment.
Her reply to you was emotionally out of control.
Of the 2 of you, T and you, T is the one who should be able to control her emotions. Not that she shouldn't tell you that the email sounded angry, but that she should have left her reaction out of it, and helped you explore that anger...it was directed her way, not at her, because you were angry and because you felt safe expressing these things to her.

Her response was neither helpful nor therapeutic.

That must have been really really hard to go to your next session.
What kind of feedback is helpful? Any. Everything you said here.

I have given my T feedback and I felt really guilty about doing it because it felt like whining, complaining, criticizing, etc. When I said that's how it felt, her face lit up and she said that it is very helpful to get feedback to know how we are doing and to learn more about me. (yikes. lol).

T goes to supervisor. Supervisor tries to explain to T about transference (and perhaps countertransference). T has difficulty with it for personal reasons but, awed by supervisor's authority, pretends to understand and comes out of the session still unclear on the concept. T then tries to inflict her (still not very good) understanding of it on sw, presenting (her idea of) transference, not her own confusion, both as an obstacle to therapy and as justification for her continuing to drop the ball. Sw is rightly confused and asks us what we think is going on and what she should do about it.

Transference has been recognized since Freud's day. Freud even seemed to consider it the the whole basis for psychoanalysis: you can't get at the patient's childhood directly so you count on them to react to the analyst the same ways they did to their parents, and get them to talk about that. Meanwhile there's also likely to be some countertransference as the analyst reacts to the patient, and analysts need to be prepared to deal with it so it won't get in the way.

If sw's T doesn't recognize that that's what's going on here, "transference" and "countertransference" both, she must not be playing with a full deck.

Just a thought that occured to me about your T: You said that you have felt that your cup runneth over after seeing your t, so it sounds like you have felt really cared about. Perhaps she is too emotionally invested and therefore was hurt by your email and took it personally. It reminds me of the parent/child relationship where it is difficult to separate your own emotions when your child expresses anger towards you. As a parent, I have become very upset and even cried because of the way my teenagers sometimes went off on me in anger. It hurts more when you are close to the situation and feel responsible for the person, or child. Maybe she suddenly realized this and felt the need to tighten up the boundaries for both of your sakes.

While I think your T handled the situation very poorly, I think it's important to keep in mind that they are human and sometimes have impaired judgement in specific situations. I've been in therapy for 22 yrs and over the course of those years between two differnt Ts, I can say there have been many ruptures and situations where my T made a mistake and acted inappropriately (nothing unethical). Recently I got angry with my T because she did something and I confronted her about it. She was defensive at the time and I was very upset so we got no where until we both had some time to think it over and the next session I was able to say how I felt about what she did and she was able to see that it was wrong and apologized.

The question is whether you can get past this rupture and work through it so that you can continue therapy with her. You will have to decide, and it's usually never cut and dry. And we only hear one side of the story so that is why it's important for you to decide what is the right thing for you.