Sad

Oh gosh, I am so sad I just want to cry and cry.

Two weekends ago, I had something really triggery happen, and I could NOT reach T. I e-mailed him, and I called and actually asked for him to call me back (something I have almost never done on a weekend) and he didn't e-mail or call. I finally e-mailed him on Sunday night of that weekend and said "you could just say 'i am crazy busy, so i can't call' instead of not responding at all" and he did respond and say just that. It was okay, at the time. I know he has his own life and he was busy. He doesn't have any restrictions about weekend contact, so it wasn't that he doesn't return calls on the weekend. He was just busy that weekend.

Then I saw him for session Monday night. He had the rest of the week off,so it was my only session of the week. When we went to schedule my sessions for this week, he had scheduled someone in one of my time slots (I see him twice a week), so I don't see him until Thursday of this week. I see him EVERY Tuesday and EVERY Thursday, and he didn't schedule me for Tuesday I KNOW it was a mistake and I KNOW he felt bad, but still. And the thing is, the previous week I had asked him if we could schedule the next couple of weeks and he was like "don't worry about it, we'll do it next week" and I made him PROMISE that if he scheduled someone in one of my slots, he would cancel that person and put me in instead. And he promised. And then he scheduled someone in one of my slots! I didn't even bring up the promise, because I didn't know if he would stick to it, and that would hurt, AND because I would feel guilty bumping someone else who was already scheduled if he did keep his promise.

He said we could talk on the phone Monday or Tuesday on his way home from work since I'm not having my session, but it's not the same. We just don't do that well on the phone.

On the one hand, I have evidence (I think) that he cares about me. He gave me a little stone animal from his desk that I'm really attached to...without me asking. Just asked me if I wanted to take it home with me to hold on to. I'm sure there are other things too that show that he cares.

But it doesn't FEEL like he cares. My feelings are really hurt right now. I feel really sad. He said that it was extra bad that he forgot to schedule my session right on the coattails of the weekend when I really needed help and he never called me back. And it was extra bad. And it IS extra bad.

I need to believe that T cares about me, even if it's just a story I'm making up. But it's really hard for me to believe the story right now. I don't want to be back in a rupture, we're doing such good work right now. But my feelings are hurt, and I'm having a hard time making myself pretend that he cares.

I'm just really sad

Ouch! I sorry that he let you down and that you did not get what you needed from him. He clearly dropped the ball.

I do not know what was happening in his personal life. Although he really hurt your feelings, try to not jump to conclusions by thinking that he does not care about you. Any number of things could have happened. The reality is that there is no reason that we can accept (illness, family tragedy, etc.) that makes it okay for our Ts to slip up. He acknowledged that he was extra bad for not scheduling your session and for that, he gets a cyber slap. There is really nothing more that can be done so please don't let this rupture your relationship.You don't have to pretend that he cares about you because he has shown it in other ways. He just screwed up this time.

(((((((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))))))))
I wish I could give you some real hug.
I'm sorry you are feeling so terrible.

I know T cares about you. You don't have to pretend.
He messed up more than once, and the timing definitely sucks.
But he cares.

It sounds like you know all of this. I don't think this has to be a super-bad rupture. But I think your hurt feelings definitely need to be talked about.
Maybe you can use your phone session to address this, and then when you go back for your session on Thursday you can continue the hard work you've been doing.
But whatever happens, be honest and take care of yourself.
And know I care a lot.

(((treehouse)))

I am so sorry you are feeling sad, tree.

((((((Tree)))))
I'm so sorry that your T dropped the ball. He is usually so on top of things. I think you should definitely talk to him about how his actions hurt your feelings. He knows how important his consistency is to you.

(((((( Tree )))))) I'm really sorry you're feeling so sad, Tree

T does care, even if he did forget about the promise. I agree that it would be good to bring this up when you talk to him next.

Sending so many hugs to you Tree You are strong and you will get through this

I hate T's stupid boundaries. I did e-mail him and tell him how I am feeling. He won't respond, because I didn't specifically ask him to. Sometimes I wish we could just be normal people and just communicate without me having to beg for everything.

I feel like a big nobody. I don't want to feel like a big nobody. But I do. And there's nothing T can do to fix it. He already apologized. I just have to forgive him and move on.

Pretending that I matter and that he actually cares just feels too ****ing hard sometimes. I honestly just want to take about 345845093875092485720943578 klonopin and go to sleep. I won't. I don't plan to.

Sometimes i just feel really alone

(((((Tree))))
Sorry to hear your feeling sad. Please don't feel like your a nobody, because your a sweet, kind, loving and giving person.

((((tree))))
I know how you feel, I really do. And I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm going through something really similar today, I won't go into the details because I don't want to make this about me but I really DO understand how important it is to feel like our Ts care about us, and how much it hurts when they do little things that make it SEEM like they don't. I know your T does care about you, though, and I hope you can talk to him about this. And I'm really, really sorry.

Oh, Tree ((((((()))))))

I had a feeling that this was going to make you real sad after this weekend when you came home. I remember when you said he gave your slot away. That is an awful feeling. I love what KT had to say
T loves you, he really loves you, Tree. He messed up, I know he feels badly about it and he acknowedges what awful timing on the coattails of a long weekend, and then he was too busy to call you back. Sigh...this does suck. You know, there are times when I have ****ed up royall with my kids, I forgot something important or didnt do what I had promised, and I felt awful. I was hard for me to even face myself I felt so badly and wished I had done things differently. But I love and adore my children and whichever child I had slighted. It was a hugh mistake on my part, I was probably overwhelmed and not thinking as I would if I didnt have so many things on my mind at once.

Tree, I imagine T knows and wishes he had done things differently with you around these couple of screw ups. You and he are so very, very close. You can tell him exactly how it all made you feel.

I dont know if you want to do it this way, but if you can get some of it out on the phone, it might save you from a major rupture (being as you dont have to wait as long to tell him and sit with all of these sad feelings) and then you will have most of it out in the open by the time you actually have your session on thursday so you may be able to focus on other things. Unless, of course, the feelings this all brings up for you leads you into the deeper places. Which is what happens with me.

Either way, my dear friend, these sad feelings are a window into which T can see and help you.

In the past, when this kind of thing has happened to me- my spot given away, a therapist not calling back, a long time between appts, wishinig I could tell T to cancel the other patient, it leads me into that unworthy and why should anyone care about me place. I am worthless and now even the person who is supposed to love me sees it. It brings up all of the ancient sadness and feelings of hate toward myself and that is when I feel like taking a million pills and never waking up, too. And it is such a stretch to NOT see them as someone who hates me and sees my unworthiness. That they screwed up, yet they love me. If someone who I depend on and loves me can screw up and be human....then I really AM on my own here.....and in the end, we really only have our own lives and ourselves to depend on as adults, dont we? Although it is scary,scary, scary, it is the peace we have to give ourselves. And all we can do is pray for that peace

I love you, dear Tree. Please have a peaceful evening.

I hope you can continue to work this through with T. In my experience, working these issues out with the person was the only way for me to get relief.

Just because someone apologises and you forgive them doesn't mean your feelings will automatically go away and everything will become okay again. Sometimes people can have good intentions but do the wrong thing and it can still hurt like hell! It is okay to be angry at your therapist for his mistake, it is okay to be annoyed at his boundries etc, these are just feelings they're not wrong or right or anything in between. I wouldn't make yourself feel anything you don't, that is more painful than what your therapist did.

Thanks ((((((((((pcfriends))))))))))))

T e-mailed and asked if we could talk at 7:15 tonight. I was really torn. I felt so untrusting of him, and like I would just be wasting his time making him talk to me. But at the same time, I wanted to try to be brave and trust and reconnect. I finally agreed to talk on the phone...

So, I had to run to Whole Foods (actually looking for natural suppliments to help with depression) and while I was there I picked up a spiritual book that is relevant to my spiritual path. I was done at about 7 and I went and sat in the dark parking lot and read my new book. I felt SO PEACEFUL. I think that sometimes my life is so chaotic - since I homeschool my three boys I am with them ALL THE TIME and I really don't have quiet, "alone" time unless I am literally sitting in therapy. But reading the book in the dark parking lot and having that space just quieted down all of the spiraly stuff in my head. I was able to step back and see all of the hundreds? thousands? of times that T has clearly shown that he cares about me, and I knew that this was all a stupid mistake and I really can still trust him.

So, T called at 7:15, probably expecting stressed-out, distrustful me, and he got "I am reading a spiritual book in the Whole Foods parking lot and I feel SOOO much better!". lol We talked for about 20 minutes. He was very present (sometimes phone calls are tricky) and it was easy to talk about why I had been so triggered, and about where I am on my path, and about us. He said that there is NO way he could do what he does - leave me messages, call me tonight, etc. etc. etc. if his feelings for me weren't true and genuine and real. NO way. I believed him.

So, I am feeling better, and I see him on Thursday. And I guess I learned a little something about finding ways to get away for a bit to be quiet with myself. I think I was supposed to be working on that anyway after I was so sick in October, but I am a slooooooow learner...

Oh, Tree!

It was very ouchy what your T did, I know he didn't mean to because from all that you have told us, but it still can hurt.

I love the image of you reading in the parking lot, I hope it is a safe place to be though.

Take care of yourself, you seem to know what you need to do when this stuff happens with your T, it hurts, but you do reachout and not shut him off. (this is huge)

You are a very brave tree!

that is so great, tree, that he called you & you were both able to really be present during that 20 minutes, and be open & talk about your relationship. that is HUGE!! I'm so happy for you, I know how hurt you were & I'm sure that helped you feel a lot better, and to know that T really does care for you.
Most of the times my T has set a specific time to call me, she has not followed through & later ends up apologizing & tells me she forgot. That is so hurtful. I'm very happy & relieved for you that your T didn't do that!!

((((((((((((((((Tree!!))))))))))))))))
Glad that things worked out in the end and that YOU found a way to soothe self! (I am a whole foods shopper myself). Glad the book "found you"!

(((((Tree)))) I also love the image of you reading in the Whole Foods parking lot.

T is so right. He knows just what to say. It is SO true. How could he do all of the loving things he does and nurture you as he does and not care? He is his authentic self with you, he shows you who he is and how he feels

Hi ((tree))

This sounds so so so familiar--both the behaviors by T and your reaction. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to sleep through these feelings so I didn't have to feel them. The hurt feeliings, and especially thinking we have to make up that they like us feels like it comes from a very young place. I'm glad you will see him tomorrow--it's so hard to work through these disappointments and disillusionments. They truly suck. I wonder if it helps at all to remember that T is a person with life distractions too. And yeah--his timing is insensitive.