it's so bad i almost don't want to live (not a sui threat, going to stay here with my boys). it's just to look inside and let myself see the disgusting, dirty, gross, fat, ugly, unacceptable, repulsive, unworthy, unwanted, untouchable person that i really am is so painful. and sickening. i almost can't stand it.

i don't know how to get thru this

i know that there are bad times in therapy and when we go through them the good times in the middle are even better. the times in themiddle lately have been great - ive felt closer to god, and my friends, and my H,and my self. what i would wnat life to be liek.

but the bad times are too dark adn i dn't know how to get out. t said keep crawling.

[Fuzzybear]

sitting with you quietly and agrees with t...

Oh, Tree.

Originally Posted by treehouse

it's just to look inside and let myself see the disgusting, dirty, gross, fat, ugly, unacceptable, repulsive, unworthy, unwanted, untouchable person that i really am is so painful. and sickening. i almost can't stand it.

My stomach clenched when I read this, it resonates with me so much. I hate that you feel this way, and I hate that I know that feeling all too well. I've just been covering it up for so many years, and it's starting to surface now. But I don't think I could handle feeling it full-force, I'm not there yet.

Tree, I think you're so brave to feel all that pain. Please know that it is part of the healing process, and that very soon, those middle days will get brighter and brighter, and these darker days will be fewer and farther between.

[BlueMoon6]

((((Tree)))This is the core of it all. This is it. This is what we have been covering up with food, alcohol, busy-ness, dissociation, whatever we ca find to stuff the awfulness of our feelings. When you sprral around your core issues, you are getting there, getting there. getting there, its hard...then when you hit the core of your self...its almost unbearable. Tree- I know it hurts. These ARE the core feelings that you (and me, too) have been doing everything to run from. All of your parts help you to deal with these feelings. It is what the abuse has taught you that you are. But you are not these feelings. YOU ARE NOT!
Do you remember a while ago I posted something comparing to the process of birthing to the process og "giving birth" to our own selves? It is as if you must go through these "birth' pains, and they are so painful, Tree, in order to give life to your own true self. I am going through the same thing. Like contractions that come and go in waves, there are times Im in more pain than other times. You are in a wave of pain.....((((Tree))). It will pass, my dear, sweet friend. And maybe you will see more of your true self emerging. And then maybe there will be more pain again. You ARE doing it! Reaching the core. I am so sorry you are in this much pain, but please know it IS part of the "birthing" process.

I can already see the baby's head....but maybe you cant yet from your vantage point....

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by treehouse

it's so bad i almost don't want to live (not a sui threat, going to stay here with my boys). it's just to look inside and let myself see the disgusting, dirty, gross, fat, ugly, unacceptable, repulsive, unworthy, unwanted, untouchable person that i really am is so painful. and sickening. i almost can't stand it.

((((Treehouse))))

These feelings are old feelings which are UNTRUE. I think maybe you have to feel them in order to let them go. As the feelings work their way out, they will be replaced by new experiences and new truths. The day will come when you look inside and see the beautiful, sensitive person that you are.

Hang in there, Tree.

[zooropa]

I'm going through similar feelings right now, and I'm sorry you're hurting so much, tree.
I'll share with you what my T said to me, when I said I don't know how I'm going to get through this. She said, you ARE getting through it. This is how you do it. You're doing it, and you're doing it just right.

I've also been overwhelmed in the last few days with feelings of shame & self-hatred. It's almost startling to me when I come here and find that someone else has posted something that mirrors so closely what I've been feeling & struggling with at the same time. It reinforces for me the idea that we really can help each other through these things.

[sunrise]

((((( treehouse ))))) Just do the best you can. Hang in there. Get to the next day. You will still be there. T will still be there. Your boys will still be there. Life will still be there. Don't let this beat you, treehouse. Be fierce.

[moonrise]

Good for you for crawling. Sometimes that's all we can manage to do. I hope it gets easier for you.

[MissCharlotte]

((tree))

I think your T is awesome and I am crawling alongside you.

[chaotic13]

Tree..I hate getting stuck in that loop. My T this week said "When she [my inner child]
wants to remind you of how BAD she was, remind her of how beautiful
and loving she is."

Sounds simple enough, huh.

[chaotic13]

...Hasn't really helped me much yet, either...sorry.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by treehouse

... to look inside and let myself see the disgusting, dirty, gross, fat, ugly, unacceptable, repulsive, unworthy, unwanted, untouchable person that i really am...

Sorry, Tree, but I don't buy it. That's who you think you are. It's a milestone for you to be getting in touch with thinking that about yourself, but who you really are is on the other side of that.

To get through it, all you really have to do is watch yourself thinking it without believing (or disbelieving) it -- something that, it seems, your T is already guiding you through.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by treehouse

it's so bad i almost don't want to live (not a sui threat, going to stay here with my boys). it's just to look inside and let myself see the disgusting, dirty, gross, fat, ugly, unacceptable, repulsive, unworthy, unwanted, untouchable person that i really am is so painful. and sickening. i almost can't stand it.

i don't know how to get thru this

i know that there are bad times in therapy and when we go through them the good times in the middle are even better. the times in themiddle lately have been great - ive felt closer to god, and my friends, and my H,and my self. what i would wnat life to be liek.

but the bad times are too dark adn i dn't know how to get out. t said keep crawling.

These are old old feelings that do not belong to you. I think they come from a deeply held belief that we hold that dictates "if we were just perfect, none of this would have happened to us". As children we used it as a way to assume control of our lives - "Well, I must be causing it in someway". For some, it was the only control we had.

I remember my therapist very very forcefully saying to me one day "That shame does not belong to you and you don't have to carry it". He was so adamant about it. His words helped me to begin to replace that old old tape that just played in my head over over and again.

So as loudly as I possibly can "THAT SHAME DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU AND YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CARRY IT"

Try to remember that when something hits that play button in your head that "THAT SHAME DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU AND YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CARRY IT".

It's hard, and crawling is one way out of the hole, but you deserve to stand up, head held high and walk right out of it.

Peace to you.

[Melbadaze]

TH, yes its very painful and ingrained...the more you can lay it out and look at it and put it in perspective the easier it becomes...

[tonih]

sorry to be cliche, but it truly is darkest before the dawn. You are doing the gut wrenching hard work that most folks would never find the courage or strength to do. So, be kind to that "awful" person and remember the strength, patience, courage, and wisdom it took to get where you are. Blesings