Mix of intense and calm-trigger about death

This morning when I went to therapy I felt like I didnt want to be there. I so rarely feel like that. I was tired, I didnt feel like talking about traumatic memories. I had more surfacey things on my mind, anyway. But these things always point to the deeper issues.....

I began talking about how my husband triggers me when he doesnt want to stay with my 2 yo when I go to therapy. He anticipates the worst- that he wont get any work done (which didnt happen today, btw). We talked in particular about my 11 yo son, his temperment, and why he gets so upset when I am upset. He was a very sensitive small child, but now has a very outgoing side, is a gifted pianist, get into the car everyday after school and says, "this was the BEST day of my life!" She said, contrary to my worries, that though he does seem affected, he doesnt seem to be so traumatized. We talked a lot about my husband and his work and the dynamic between us.

I wanted to talk about deeper things, but didnt know where to jump in. I began talking about my little 8 yo and a dream I had about her (my little girl). I was with a little girl in this old, broken down shack. The girl wanted to steal food from this old refigerator that was there. I had to keep telling her we had to pay for it and the guy there told us we could take it since it was old. We kept looking through these 2 refigerators for some food that was good, but most of it was old and she wanted to take that home. Ftt interpreted the dream to mean that I am taking care of my 8 yo girl by keeping her from stealing, but that we were, together, digging into old "stuff" and looking for better food. I was protecting her in the dream, it was very cold there in the shack and I wanted to get her out of this old and ugly place. Even if she wanted to take the old food from the refrigerators with her.

She said she felt I should allow my littel girl to journal and I talked about my fears around that. And getting angry or sad. We talked about a flashback I have of my mother, her face smiling at me and saying really mean things. She did this all the time and confused me. I could not trust her words. It lead me to not trust people and their behavior. That there might be something bad behind niceness. We talked aobut how over the years I have done "exposure" therapy with myself in that I have discovered with most people, if they are nice, they are nice.. That I can trust people.

We talked quite a bit about my mother's funeral. And how I was "checking" her body to see if she was really dead and couldnt hurt me and my cousin slapped me. And what went on during the time she was in hospice. She never believed that she would die. I am fortunate that the therapist I had at the time told me what I should do so that I dont regret that I didnt do or say this or that years later. I said a lot of things to her that I didnt mean, but I said them to her anyway because I was told to say them. Anyway, she did say my mother was true to form and believed that she was invincible. And that was how she behaved when she was sick and it confused me once again. It was difficult to talk about her during that period of time, when she was sick and dying. It was probably a time when I felt safer around her. We talked about, strangely enough, the John Edwards show (this came up in conversation last night when I was out with my friends) and that I was afraid my mother could see and hear me and hurt me from "the other side" (if anyone has seem this show, I used to watch it, but havent in a long time). Ftt said she hasnt hurt me yet, but I wasnt sure. We talked about spirituality and where I thought people go when they die and what happens.

At one point I actually got a small bit teary. I have never gotten teary in regard to my mother. Ftt asked me what I was feeling a number of times during the sesssion talking about her, but I couldnt come up with what feeling I had.

I think it was when I was talking about the flashback that I felt like I was disappearing. I said I felt like I was going underwater. She asked me if I felt like I was dissociating. I said yes. I dont think I have ever called it that when I felt that "disappearing" feeling. She told me to take deep breaths, my heart was pounding and I felt like she was far away. When I put my feet on the ground and breathed from my "stomach" then I felt more present.

She wants me to take 1/4 of a klonopin daily (or did she say twice/day) to reduce the "tantrums" yet be present enough to stop and think about what the trigger was. I have to call my PNP for more Klonopin. I am a little afraid of that because I then have to wean off of it. She said it is not uncommon to have extra medication help during trauma work.

Your sessions aways sound so productive, Blue. You cover so much ground in each one.

I like what your son says: "this was the best day of my life!" Wow! We can learn a lot from that attitude. He sounds like a very special person, and if he says that every day, I agree with your T that he is not traumatized, but just very empathetic towards you.

All the things you say about your mother make me feel so sad that your mother was like that. How old were you when she died? Approximately, I mean, if you don't want to say exactly. Were you a child, teenager, or adult?

I wish I were seeing a T when my Mom was sick and dying so I would have said the "right" things. I loved her, but did not tell her. So much was left unsaid, which may be why I want to tell my T so much.

It sounds like ftt knows how to "take care of you" when you dissociate during the session, and also how to regulate your medicines. You sound calmer now. You're doing great work!

((((((((Bluey))))))))
That is a lot to cover in one night. May I sit with you a bit? I wish your cousin hadn't slapped you when you were trying to figure out if your mom had really died or not. I can understand needing physical proof. I've often thought about that (in advance) with my dad - needing physical proof to know this isn't just a stunt to get me to say things I wouldn't normally say, and then pop out and go Haaaa! *shiver*

Good that you are learning to trust people - you've several friends on that path with you, including me. Take good extra care of yourself in this time.
Many hugs...

I'm glad that you found such a caring therapist, Blue. I imagine it must be difficult learning to trust when your mother treated you the way she did. It's great that you are finding your way with that.

I agree with Rainbow about your son. He sounds like a very special child. It's always wonderful witnessing their joy for life, isn't it?

Do you think maybe the little girl in your dreams is searching for some good memories to take home with her? I hope there are some good ones. I'm so glad you are taking care of her and keeping her safe.

You're doing hard work, Blue. Be gentle with you. Hopefully the week is less stressful for you.

Wow, you started off not wanting to go to T, and then ended up with so much work done during the session. I'm glad you talked about your dream and about your mother. It's an important step. My T and I have talked about some of my dreams...and the interpretations just made so much sense. I have barely touched on the topic of my parents, so I admire that you are able to go there.

BIG HUGS TO YOU......

Rainbow- Yes- she is good and I think she knows what to do when I dissociate and am afraid of my feelings. There is a part of me that is glad I said the right things...and then there is the part of, not a very rational part of me, that wished I could have said exactly how I felt. But I would not have gotten far with her in that respect...right Kiya? I dont want to be all drugged up and that is the way I was starting to feel...Im not being very compliant today with the klonopin....

Kiya...can you believe she freakin slapped me? I had forgotten about that. No one, and I mean no one, knew how I felt about her. I was seen as this horrid daughter that didnt do enough for her. Or made trouble for her and probably killed her. And that is the God's honest truth about the way I know they feel to this day about me.

I can say that I trust people for the most part, but I am an expert at recognizing phony-ness in people and people who are less than genuine and authentic. I recognize it in a heartbeat in someone and it gives me such a horrible aversion to that person that it is difficult for me to see them in any other way once I dont trust them. Maybe its my borderline black/white thinking.

Brightheart- In my dream, I was looking for some good food, she was willing to take anything and steal it if she had to. I was looking for something that wasnt old and gross. My son is wonderful, he is mature and sensitive. Ftt said something about being the "middle child" which he is. They are the pacemakers and take care of others. I asked her if this is a dysfunctional thing. An she said no, not necessarily. We have a big family, but I dont want my kids to take on rigid roles if they dont have to. I do tell my son he doesnt have to clean up everyone else's mess so I dont get upset.

MUE- It is unbelievable that you said that to me about working on my parents. Let me tell you, this is my final frontier. You cant imagine how long I have been in therapy. Since 1979! I have worked on so many issues, so many, but I didnt get deepluy into my feelings about my parents. I could not, didnt know how or maybe I avoided it with crisis issues (food and addictions etc). When I was in crisis I couldnt go deep. I cannot believe I am working on them. I dont know how or what to bring up. This is totally new for me. I am just winging it. It is painful and hard and the truth is, I have really only worked on more recent events- when she was sick, her funeral. Bits and pieces I remember. This stuff is the tip of the iceberg. And I have barrely touched on issues with my father. Mabye after working on my parents I will be cured A finished product!

I don't even know what to say, except I love reading about how you are doing in therapy, how much you seem to accomplish. You give me hope for my own journey, which I am just beginning.

I'll try to take time to write more later. Now my kids are being crazily loud all around me, and I can't think straight.

Thanks, Moon. It helps me proces the session by posting it here, too.

Hi, Blue! How are you doing?

Hi Raqinbow- Im doing good, I think. I have not been terribly compliant with taking 1/4 klonopin everyday. It was making me too dern drowsy. And I had a blow up fight with my H. Well, it looks like I can pretty clearly see a connection and that the klonopin helps me stop when triggered and think before I react. And now I am back to reacting when triggered. It was a bad fight. I didnt have a tantrum, tho.

I dont know what else to do with this anger. He was acting pretty obnoxious and nasty, too. Maybe he could use the f***ing klonopin....

Hi Moon, your dream is rich in significance I think. Your inner child had to settle with that old nasty food from your mother because she didn't have any other choices. Of course she is still with you and reflexively settles for old food because of habit. Our inner children are our feelings. The adult you knows better and is trying to change her - "let's find some better food". The feelings have to be worked through, however, with our inner children in order to progress. Just telling them won't work. I think that it is interesting that the symbol in your dream was food considering that you have ED. Any other thoughts on that?

That fact that she wanted to steal it says something to. Does this mean that she doesn't feel that she has the right to it and can get it in healthier ways?