Missing T while with family...

I'm back from my Christmas trip to see my family. Last Wednesday, I was celebrating my mother's birthday instead of being at my session with T, and I was missing T horribly! I had just seen T two days before that!

After several days with my family, my mother's narcissism seemed to reach an all-time high - so many little things added up. I only see my parents twice a year, as we live far away from each other. My mother definitely saw some changes in my behavior, and she didn't like them! I no longer was trying to take care of her every need, even though she definitely wanted me to! She was so needy, constantly wanting hugs and attention, to the point where she was smothering me and my brother. At night before bed, I'd picture my little 3-year old Dream, crawling up in T's lap and just being held by T - it made me feel so much better and safe. I didn't feel safe around my mother - I never knew what she was going to say or do. I've always felt that way, I'm just so much more aware of it now. At one point on Christmas Day, she came to me crying, and hugged me as she asked me why I don't like her anymore. I asked her why she said that, and she quickly blamed it on having a letdown from Christmas and on not feeling well. And then she said that I seem like I don't need her anymore, that I can take care of myself - I guess that's growth. I asked her if that wasn't what she always wanted - she didn't really answer me. This was after she had told me the day before that I had to be self-sufficient at too young of an age (I was left alone before and after school starting at age 9), and my mother said that maybe she didn't baby me enough.

Sorry, I'm rambling... point being, this transference sucks, because all I could do was think about how I couldn't wait to get back to T - she does everything my mother does not - T makes me feel safe, she takes care of me, she shows me compassion, she puts my needs first, she gives me a hug without wanting anything in return from me, and she pays attention and listens to me. I can't tell you how many times I'd have to repeat a question because my mother wasn't listening to me or just wouldn't acknowledge me, but God forbid I not pay attention to her!

I know I'm paying T to do her job, that's why this relationship with T is so confusing - these feelings of missing T are so intense, I don't like it! And these feelings of sadness and anger I'm having toward my mother are also so intense, I feel like this was the last straw, that I have truly lost any hope that she'll ever change.

I am so glad that I see T tomorrow and Wednesday - we have a lot to discuss!

So that's the latest with me. For those who celebrated, I hope you all had a great Christmas!

(( Dream))
I feel like i could have written this post myself I spent the christmas holiday with my uncle, aunt and cousins whom I have not seen in 5 years. I suppose this is a step up from spending the holiday alone last year. Though i didn't see my mother, she made it her duty to call me on Christmas eve and load all of her guilt on me. It's the same story all of the damn time. Her calls usually consist of, Sw628, why don't you just call me sometime. I know i haven't been a mother to you and there are so many years that i can't get back with you..blah..blah..blah. It ended in her sobbing and my anger,anxiety and sadness, through the roof. She is the textbook definition of a narcissist. I won't get into how cruel she was to me and the immense abandonment I had to endure. I will say that I WONT ever be attached to her or be her best friend.

Anyway, though i was happy to spend time with my uncle and his family, my time with them has been very saddening for me. It's like i've spent the last 5 days looking at my cousins have the childhood i never had. From their lavish christmas presents to the constant care and nurturing that they get from my aunt and uncle. At one point during dinner, my uncle had to cut up my 8 year old cousins food. I guess this really triggered me because i just kept thinking that when i was 8, i was riding city busses alone and a latchkey kid. I didn't have anyone cut up my food or baby me for that matter( just like you Dream). It's been so painful.

Before I left, T did let me take the blanket that we keep in her office i suppose for some comfort during our break. That's fine, but i feel like i keep wanting T to be something she's can't ever be. This really hit me as I was so distraught by my mothers phone call and seeing my uncle that I sent T a message on Christmas Eve asking to phone her for a little support. She responded with, " It's only been a few days". I was so shocked that i'm considering whether or not I will return to therapy.

Long story short, Dream i know exactly where you are. I'm happy that you will see T soon and talk about the holiday.

(((((Dream))))) I am SO proud of you and I see so much growth. You accomplished a lot by not playing the game with your mother. It is the goal of every mother to want their children healthy, independent and taking care of their own needs, unless you are a narcissistic mother and what your child needs is secondary to what you need.

You did an amazing job taking of yourself and seeing the situation as it really is and seeing your mother as she really is. They call narcissistic mothers emotional vampires, I had one, too, they will suck the life out of you in this manipulative way to get you to do what they want you to do. But you have a new "mother" to re-mother you. Maybe spending time with your mother is such a sharp contrast to the kind of care you get with T, like a hug without expecting anything in return.

I know that intense anger and sadness toward who your mother is. What is a little frightening is how she was actually always this way and I spent my chilhood jumping thorugh her hoops not knowing what was going on. Sad for my little girl

(((((((((((((((((Dream))))))))))))))))))

I can relate so much to what you experienced. During my first year in therapy, I found it really, really, REALLY hard to be around my mom. I was changing and she didn't like it, I was angry about how I've always been treated by her and it was hard to mask that...there were so many things that made it feel horrible.

And yes, it is hard to be away from the comforting, caring, loving, attentive, accepting presence of T when we're in such hard situations. I get that too.

I will say it's getting easier. Maybe it's because I'm more comfortable in myself, and more confident in the changes I've made...so she doesn't have the power to affect me like she used to. I'm not sure. Time has definitely made things easier than they were when I was still new to therapy.

Do you get to see T this week? I'm glad you feel so cared for by her...there is a lot of potential for healing in a good therapy relationship.

big hugs to you

Dreamseeker, can you imagine if you had thought, "don't miss T' I,m fine, "?..I think for those of us who have had difficult backgrounds, we tend to run out of energy quickly when back in old situations and neeD that top up of support. We've also begun to know what that looks like and feels like, so very natural To miss that.

Thank you all for your kind words of understanding and support.

sw I feel your pain! I can very much relate to swearing that I will never be my mother's best friend, even though that's how she views our relationship - it's completely one-sided. She smothers me, but for all the wrong reasons, it's all about her needs and not about mine. I'm glad that you could spend the holidays with relatives, but I imagine that was hard to see first-hand what you missed receiving in your childhood. And I really hope that you return to see your T, I think maybe T just had one of those human moments that they all have, but it's definitely good for you to bring it up to your T and tell your T how much that comment hurt you.

Blue, hugs to you and your little girl inside. I don't think I even realized that I was acting differently with my mother until my brother pointed it out to me after the fact. My mother isn't always an emotional vampire, but she certainly was on this trip - I couldn't get over how bad it was! I'm still exhausted from it all! Spending time with my mother vs. T was like night and day. It hurts my heart that right now, I want nothing to do with my own mother. I know that I need to get past that, I'm just really disappointed in her, angry that she is the way she is, and sad about it all. But I also can't wait to see T and share all this with her. I know that T can't be anything more than my therapist to me, but I just want to be in her office, on her couch, talking to her - I think I will feel so much better just being with her. It's scary that my feelings are so strong for T, but one good thing is that I'm no longer concerned about being too needy for T - she made a comment last session that she thinks we've worked through my concerns in that area, and she hopes I know that I can lean on her. So her saying that took away any remnants of that worry.

Thank you, tree - I found myself feeling a lot of residual anger toward my mother, no doubt triggered by her behavior. I'm actually glad that I won't have to see her for several months now, as sad as that is. And yes, it was so hard to be away from T - I really couldn't believe it! I see today (thank goodness!), and while I can't wait to share all the gory details of the trip with her, part of me just wants to go in there, ask T for a hug, then sit with her in her office - just to feel that sense of security and protection again. There's no feeling like it that I've experienced. I'm so glad T has given that to me!

Thanks, Melba - I think that's exactly what happened, I ran out of energy to deal with it all. It didn't help that my mother was on her best behavior the first day we were there, and then it got worse from there. And you're right - now that I've gotten a sense of those feelings of being comforted, having my needs met, being listened to and appreciated - of course I'm going to miss the person that's given me all that, and that's T!

It's going to be quite the session today. I wish it were now, but unfortunately I have to wait several more hours.