[zooropa]

I had this dream, and I just can't shake the feelings it left me with. In it my T told me she doesn't want to see me anymore because I am too needy and call her too much, and she doesn't know how to help me anymore.

It was weird because in with that part of the dream I was also knitting a sweater, I don't think I was knitting it for T but I was just working on it, and I made a huge mistake in the knitting and had to rip it all out, and I was really upset about that, too.

And I was so angry and upset and sad about the whole thing with T that I was trying to hit and kick the walls and doors of the place we were at, which wasn't her office or any place I recognize, but it was like I was under water, my kicks and punches didn't have any strength in them by the time they connected to the wall it would just be like a soft slap, and that was so frustrating, too, because I wanted to punch holes in the walls, LOL!

I just woke up with such intense feelings of rejection and abandonment, and frustration, and I feel so rotten and bad and dirty and alone and...YUCK.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I had this dream, and I just can't shake the feelings it left me with. In it my T told me she doesn't want to see me anymore because I am too needy and call her too much, and she doesn't know how to help me anymore.

It was weird because in with that part of the dream I was also knitting a sweater, I don't think I was knitting it for T but I was just working on it, and I made a huge mistake in the knitting and had to rip it all out, and I was really upset about that, too.

And I was so angry and upset and sad about the whole thing with T that I was trying to hit and kick the walls and doors of the place we were at, which wasn't her office or any place I recognize, but it was like I was under water, my kicks and punches didn't have any strength in them by the time they connected to the wall it would just be like a soft slap, and that was so frustrating, too, because I wanted to punch holes in the walls, LOL!

I just woke up with such intense feelings of rejection and abandonment, and frustration, and I feel so rotten and bad and dirty and alone and...YUCK.

Ugh, that sounds so awful.

I hope you are able to address this with T to work out these feelings and ease your concerns.

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I just woke up with such intense feelings of rejection and abandonment, and frustration, and I feel so rotten and bad and dirty and alone and...YUCK.

I hate when dreams leave me feeling this way. Even thought the content of the dream is not real the feelings afterwards are real enough. Zooropa hope you can quickly shake these feeling and find ways to reaffirm that your T is not frustrated with you and isn't going to abandon you.

I've never been much of a dreamer but recently I've been dreaming a lot. My T seems interested in hearing about my dreams when I mention having one. Usually she just listens and doesn't offer a whole lot when it comes to analyzing them but is kind of nice to know I can talk about crazy things like dreams and not feel like I am risking being labeled a freak.

Not sure if my thoughts on this are valid...but I usually don't think much about the actual content of my dreams unless I have them repeatedly or repeatedly find myself waking stressed out. THEN I start paying attention and trying to write stuff down immediately after getting up.

IDK... maybe if your still feeling unsettled or if you keep having the dream you can consider chatting about it during a session. My brain seems replay dreams over and over until it is able to modify it in some way to resolve the issue and release it. Chatting about it might give your brain some ideas to try to get the dream to move on and let you wake feeling peaceful again.

[moonrise]

I'm no dream interpreter, but here's my take:

You are worried about being too needy for your T to handle. To you, being needy is a mistake, something that messes up your therapy, and needs to be fixed. One way for that problem not to exist anymore is for your T to fire you. No therapy, no problem.

You feel powerless, over both your sense of neediness and your own emotions. You feel like you can't change your environment, and even though you feel so strongly, those emotions don't make the changes you want. BUT you also didn't destroy anything, which probably would have set your T off, so perhaps it shows that you have more control than you think.

My apologizes for being way off base if I am. I am in dream interpretation mode, having just woken up with a bizarre dream myself.

And I so know what you mean about waking up feeling horrible after a dream. Having a bad dream can really set my day off balance.

[WePow]

Wow - that is a powerful dream. But it is excellent your mind is able to bring it up front for you to view and consider! Powerful stuff!

[zooropa]

so, I've been thinking more about this (can't shake the feeling of the dream, so I can't help thinking about it...) and I realized the place we were at looked a little like my mom's building. That kind of unlocked the whole dream for me, when I realized that.

I have a lot of abandonment issues, obviously. I fear that T will abandon me the way my mother always has. And in some ways, I am right. My T *will* some day "abandon" me, it's not a forever relationship, right? Anway, I have that fear, and yes, moonrise, you are right on when you say I also have the fear that I am too needy for T and that she will abandon me right now because of that.

I think the sweater I was knitting in the dream is important. I think it represents the trauma work, and all the other work, really, that I'm doing with T. That if she "abandons" me, all that work will be undone, unraveled. It's about me being afraid I will not get the chance to finish the work I have started with T, because it is so hard, and also because there is this timeline that I am working under and I don't know what will happen if the time runs out and the work isn't done. It may well be that I won't get to to finish, not with this T, that is a very real fear of mine, because of course the idea of starting the trauma work over with a new T is...inconceivable, at this point.

Anyway. That all kind of became clear to me this morning, and I had a good long cry about it, lol.

I have a session with T this afternoon and I hope I am able to talk about this with her, but it will be difficult. Thank you all for your posts.

[chaotic13]

Zooropa... When you dream do you ever find that you brain makes little adjustments to the dream as it unfolds? Sometimes, mine does...kind of like a rewind...edit...replay dream sequence. When I've had a recurring nightmare this sometimes happens. Eventually I edit the dream enough that it goes a way. IDK maybe I'm just weird. Anyway, if you can do that... maybe you could start knitting again and this time turn it into a safety net for you to land in as you leap in therapy.

[zooropa]

that is an excellent way to look at it, chaotic! I have only had this dream the one time, but if I do have it again I will see if I can change it around. I think the key now is to try to talk about it with my T, but really just knowing what subconscious fears led to the dream has helped a lot.
I feel better about it, understanding what is going on in my head, knowing it's that lost and abandoned little girl inside of me, trying to avoid being alone and abandoned again. I acknowledge her pain and her fear and that makes it better, somehow.
It moves me one step further along the path of being able to be ok on my own, if that makes sense. Someday I will be all I need, I will not act and react out of this core fear of abandonment and rejection. I hope.

That is a very powerful dream, and it sounds like you've really got it figured out! I think it's great that you can take that dream to your T and discuss all the meanings in it - it can only help T understand you better, which will help you in the long run!

[zooropa]

I was able to tell my T about this dream during my session today, I really didn't know if I was going to be able to but I did and it was good. That was kind of a big step for me, to tell her something so personal, and my interpretation of it. I mean, I do tell her personal things all the time, obviously, but I have never told her about my thoughts about her or how I fear her abandonment or rejection of me, etc.
I'm sure it was at least in part because I was able to do some processing of the dream here and reading your replies. PC has helped me so much, this is just another example.