[BlueMoon6]

I am reading through the posts and even my own post all the way down there and I feel SO sad. Im not sure why this is making me feel so sad. I feel like crying.

I have been so busy with my children all home from school this week that I havent had more than a few moments here and there to jump onto the computer. But I read some threads and I even posted and got some responses that I havent even had time to respond to. Everyone here has always, always been so supportive of me and responded to my posts. When I needed support or when I needed to share the good stuff and I feel guilty (is that the word?) for not having been a supportive friend this week here on the board. I miss everyone. There were a number of posts this week that I read that I wanted to respond to very much but knew I couldnt spend more than 3 minutes writing a response,so I didnt say anything. I feel like crying I miss "talking" to everyone so much.

Im gulity, but I know its probably its OK, we all have these times when we cant get to the computer. But I feel so badly that I have not been able to return the generosity this week that has been shown to me here. That I dont deserve responses now if I can post again because I have been missing this week. Or...maybe I feel like I will be forgotten if I dont respond. Ewww...not a side of myself I want to post about, but I think it is true.

Sigh.....

[rainbow8]

((((((Blue)))))),

It's okay to post or not post, but I know how you feel. When I was out-of-town and posted sporadically, I felt sad, kind of like life was passing me by and I missed out. That's kind of a heavy feeling, but that's what it was like.

You won't be forgotten--ever!

Happy New Year!

[ECHOES]

but maybe we were feeling good that you must have been in a good place and having a wonderful holiday with your family, and we still felt connected. We are here when we want to be and can be. We are here whether we are reading or reading and posting. It is the rhythm of life.

[MissCharlotte]

(Blue)

Your children are most important. In a way it is a good thing that you have been involved in your life. I think it's what we all aspire to. Take care of you.

[BlueMoon6]

Thank you so much ((((((Rainbow, Echoes, Miss C). It does feel like a heavy, uncared for feeling. Like an undeserving feeling. Even though I can easily tell myself its not true. But this sadness and feeling like crying hit me suddenly when I wasnt looking. I began to feel tears welling up as I read and wasnt sure why.

It IS the rhythm of life, posting and connecting here, connecting and being with people we love in RL. I have a feeling that I am barely even aware of that only this moment matters. I mean that in a psychological sense, not in a spirtual sense (where living in the moment works for me in postive way) but in the sense that I am only as loved and worthy as I am in the current moment. Without a history. So, if I dont post, no one cares or remembers me and therefore the gratitude I have for my friends here and the love I get here is not evident. Only if I show it every moment. When there is a space, a gap, I am forgotten as if I was never here.

I think this is a deep issue for me and may be something that has driven my behavior in the past. If there is anything I am grateful for, it is becoming aware of it.

I had a good week with my kids and what they need and wanted this week was very important to me. Its only 1 week so we did a lot and there were times I felt "over socialized" and pulled back a little. But I did it in a way that I could meet my kids needs for friends and had families over here for food and conversation. Then I could be home and feel safe, but still have my friends. I find I cant go out constantly. I need to pull back and get centered. I find the yoga breathing so so grounding. even a few breaths and I feel like myself and able to go on with my day.

[ECHOES]

Gosh, Blue, I only had one child and that seemed like a lot at times... you have a few more and all ages~~I imagine that to be quite fun, quite stimulating, and I don't know that I would have the energy! Your kids are so lucky to have a fun and loving mom

I'm glad you were able to use the yoga breathing at a time when a person might feel too frazzled to remember that helpful technique. It sounds like you knew what to do for you when things started to feel overwhelming. That is great self-regulation!

[Brightheart]

It's okay, Blue. I have NO idea how you do all that you do. It's great that you got some time with your family this week. There's only so much of one person to go around. I can relate to not wanting to be forgotten. You seem very deep, insightful and aware, not to mention supportive and kind. PC will still be here when school vacation is over.

(((((((((((((((Blue))))))))))))))))

I'm glad you had time to be with your family!

You won't be forgotten...when you said that, it reminded me of how I used to feel with T...like if we weren't together, he would forget I existed. But T and I have a connection that doesn't disappear with a few days apart...just like your connection with us here on PC

Sending tons of your way! We'll be here whenever you're ready.

[moonrise]

((((blue))))
Did you know it was a blue moon last night? You're not forgotten.

We all go through phases of on-line presence or absence. I'm glad you were able to take some time with your family. Please don't feel bad.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( blue ))))))))))))))))

[Elysium]

(((((Ms. Moon)))))

I am thrilled to hear you had some great family times this week. I know we don't talk much here but we all know you care and personally, it makes me feel better to know that my PC buddies take time for themselves and have a life away from PC. That's healthy!! So worry not....enjoy your time. Whenever I am away from PC, you are all not very far from my mind. I bet it is like that for a lot of us. We are all with eachother in spirit.

[BlueMoon6]

((((Echoes, Miss Charlotte, Brightheart, Tree, Moonrise and Fuzzy)))))

This is such an important lesson for me and such a big issue and you have helped me here so much with your replies. What would I do without you?

I have felt this way with dt, that I had to be there a lot or she would forget me, but I dont feel that way with ftt. Its making me nuts trying to figure out why. Yes dt was the worst of my mother. Ftt doesnt seem to be on the mother-radar at all. I just plain 'ol like her. She does her job well But I dont obsess over ftt. I have never, ever not been at least so
me what pre-occupied with my T. Maybe Im not there long enough.

Originally Posted by Elysium

(((((Ms. Moon)))))I am thrilled to hear you had some great family times this week. I know we don't talk much here but we all know you care and personally, it makes me feel better to know that my PC buddies take time for themselves and have a life away from PC. That's healthy!! So worry not....enjoy your time. Whenever I am away from PC, you are all not very far from my mind. I bet it is like that for a lot of us. We are all with eachother in spirit.

Elysium-I want to say I feel the same way. When I am not online, I think abut everyone and their stories...wondering how Deli is doing in Japan....etc. About each person's story and their T's stories, too. You are all not far from my heart.

[Sannah]

Another opportunity to work through another issue. This is great Moon!

Blue, no need to apologize - glad you had family time, that's what the holidays are all about after all!

Happy New Year to you, and thank you for all your wonderful support!

[lifelesstraveled]

(((((((((bluemoon))))))))

its okay. sometimes when we have other things going on those other things take precedence. its good that you were more involved in your life. we'll still always be here

[BlueMoon6]

It feels very homey to come here and read what everyone is up to. I think for me it is my "break" time when I can think about something other than kids and doing everything for everyone. I am a little bit over whelmed tonight and I thought I might even post a rant. Sigh. Too many guests, too much serving everyone, just plain too much! I miss sitting and breathing and relaxing.

Thanks for always being here for me and for your replies. You all mean so much to me

[ECHOES]

...from us.. not all the guests

[BlueMoon6]

OMG! I love you, Echoes!

Im off to start my rant thread...Ive never posted a rant thread....here goes....

[rainbow8]

My T said she cares about me whether she sees me often or not so often. I also have the feeling that people will forget about me when I'm not with them, or posting to remind them that I'm here! So, I understand that feeling, Blue.

I also come here to relax, to be with "friends", to feel accepted. But there has to be a balance. Our families and friends in RL have to be more important than therapy and our discussions of therapy, at least that is the goal to strive for. But the friends we make along the way, here on PC, are also real.

[BlueMoon6]

((((Rainbow)))) I know you feel the same way. When I was posting that I thought of you, too

Sometimes I get confused. I like to talk about things- about my family, my friends, my inner life and then I remember that RL is more important than talknig about RL. Sounds silly, but its as if I like talking and having it all in my head that it cna be thought of almost as a substitute for RL.

I think you brought up something really interesting. How "real" are PC friends? You are all real to me, but we have never met (oh, I met 1 person ). What if I never posted here again? It would seem like you all went away...and never were in my life....so easily. That is kind of scary. I mean, online friends ftt says is a safe way to share things I might not share with RL friends, so it is easier. But when I think of how easy it would be for these friends to disappear, it is scary at the same time. Less safe than RL friends in that way. How real are friends you have never met?

Well....Im not going anywhere I like reading and posting here....

[rainbow8]

Yes, it is interesting about online relationships vs real life relationships. In our world today, there is often not a difference since people meet online and then date, and even marry! Some of us meet our online friends and then they become REAL friends. If we talk on the phone, it also changes from online to more "real", don't you think? Or if we email, right?

I had a pen pal (before email) for years. We never met, but we considered ourselves friends. I am also in a letter-writing group that was started about 25 years ago! We are also very close; our kids have grown up and married during our letter-writing. We have exchanged photos, but only one has met another of us. They are more real to me than online friends too.

It is weird, though. I used to post in a different forum and made some "friends." Most of them, including myself, dropped out and have no contact with one another. But a few exchanged email addresses.

So, it's like any other group or workplace. You meet people, become close, but life happens. Some people you stay in touch with, some you don't. Like college. We were a close-knit group, some of my friends. I don't know where they are. Or at least I didn't until Facebook, LOL. Sometimes you "meet" again. If you become close with people on PC, you can exchange emails and then phone #'s, so they don't "disappear."

I also agree about writing about life, and discussing it, rather than simply living it. My T used to ask what am I not doing when I am online so much. In fact, I just read an article by a writer debating whether she should live life or write about it. She didn't have time to write so much any more, but she is a writer, so she feels frustrated because she does want to record life, in addition to living it! So, we are writers, aren't we? We can do both: live life, AND record it.

[BlueMoon6]

Rainbow- This question is kind of funny- do we live life or record it? I like to record it. Here I mean. It makes it more real to me. It helps me to process. I remember dt was really angry at me that I was on the computer and had computer friendships. As a matter of fact, if you remember I posted about her calling me self-absorbed and that I am like my mother etc, it was around spending time on the computer and journaling. Is it selfish and a way to avoid life?

But on the other subject....the thought of becoming close with friends here and anywhere and then they leave or I leave makes me very, very sad. There are friendships I have not kept up with over the years from school for this or that reason and it does make me sad that they are not part of my life anymore and I am not part of theirs. That life (theirs) went on without me.

[Brightheart]

I've always considered my online friends real friends. I've met several and they are good friends! I think it is a bit easier for me to ease into a friendship this way since I write better than I talk.

Part of why I like coming here so much is because I have huge interest in all of these discussions. It's a passion for me that I've just recently discovered. New passions can be pretty exciting when you're 41.

[BlueMoon6]

It's a passion for me that I've just recently discovered. New passions can be pretty exciting when you're 41.

This made me chuckle......or 51!

[moonrise]

I am a member of one local internet board and I've met so many people IRL through that. Another huge board I'm a part of I don't feel connected to anyone - nothing gets shared deeply, and I don't recognize the posters or anything. Never had a desire to meet anyone there IRL.

Here it's different. People are sharing what's real, not just what's pretty or nice, but nitty, gritty, real. And it's amazing. Amazing to share, amazing to be along side with others on this crazy journey, amazing to be accepted even though it's not all nicey nice.