A couple of people here lately have mentioned their T's NOT taking responsibility for things. I'm wondering if that really IS the norm (as some people have implied), or not...

My T always takes responsibility for his part in things. Always, always, always.

Recently, we had a big scheduling mess, and I was upset about it. We were talking about it in session and T said "I REALLY want to defend myself..." but it was like he couldn't or something...it made me wonder if it wasn't allowed. He finally couldn't stand it anymore, and he did defend himself..and when he explained what happened, I *got* it and we were able to move on. I'm glad that he was honest and did defend himself that time...and I wonder why he was so hesitant to do it?

I do love that my T is always so willing to look at his responsibility, because it makes it feel safe to bring things up that I'm upset about. And he somehow manages to do it without me feeling all guilty that he's taking responsibility. AND it's good, because it makes it feel safe for me to take responsibility for my part in things - both with T and in real life.

What does your T do?

I posted in another thread of mine about how my T recently asked me if her style of dealing with me had been hurtful in any way. She mentioned in particular her initial insistence that I accept the diagnosis of BPD, but she was also referring to her tendency to be somewhat confrontational and offering difficult feedback, (like telling me early on that I would make a good sniper!)
That session marked an absolute turning point for me. I became aware that I am allowed to have and express my own thoughts, even my doubts in therapy. And she became so much more human to me as well.

I think that T's who will never admit to anything or apologize for anything may be adhering to a particular therapeutic orientation, but to me it would begin to feel like a power trip. I would find it invalidating, and it would no doubt trigger stuff around my mother in an unhelpful way.

[chaotic13]

My T taking some responsibility for a misunderstanding that happened was crucial at one point in my therapy process. What I like and respect most about my T is she will accept responsibilty for her mistakes but not everything. My T will say things like, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize how you might have taken that" Or after realizing that she had mis-read a situation has said, "I'm sorry, you shouldn't have left unsure of that... I need to do a better job of checking in with you before you leave.

However she does not take responsibility for things that are not her fault. Like...me spending months confused about something she said. She may say, 'wow I probably could have worded or explained that better', but she stops short of accepting responsibilty for the month of angush... That's on me for not speaking up about my confusion.

I remember my t calling me and saying, "I know you are angry with me." I was, about how he was handling my husband's illness at that particular moment. I acknowledged that we were going to have to agree to disagree at that moment. He knew I did not like what he was doing; however, he was equally certain he was doing all that could be done at that moment. And he was. It was just such a helpless feeling at the time. Otherwise, we really don't have disagreements. If we do, we discuss them and move on, but that is pretty rare.

[googley]

My most recent Ts have taken responsibility (or if not responsibility, explained their meaning behind what they said/did.) Often I have found that it is my misinterpreting their meaning, but they do admit that they could have been clearer about their point. But other times they admit that they made a mistake. I've never had them say that anything in the relationship is singularly my fault. It takes two for something to happen, they have shared the responsibility. Being that when I was growing up I was always blamed for everything that went wrong, I would not be willing to have a T who blamed me for things that go wrong. It would be like I was back living with my abusive parents.

And it seems what happens is that so often we can be triggered by things other people inadverdently do or say by all our old demons. Hopefully, t would know what those demons are and avoid those situations, but still, people are people. And sometimes we get triggered without even realizing why. It's all very complicated.

Originally Posted by chaotic13

What I like and respect most about my T is she will accept responsibilty for her mistakes but not everything.

Exactly. That's why I was glad T defended himself about the scheduling mishaps.

When I spiral out on my own about something I *perceive* that he did, he doesn't take responsibility. When we have a misunderstanding and he has actually played a part in it (rather than me and my spiraly thoughts spinning off on their own), he always, ALWAYS takes responsibility for his part.

To me, it feels like he provides a really good example of how to communicate and how to be in a relationship. I like that.

[jexa]

My T takes responsibility.. when I was triggered this one session and left her office a total mess and ended up needing an emergency session, she started our emergency session with, "First, I want to apologize. I should have told you to stay so I could see you after my next client, when you were feeling so distressed." She owned it.

We haven't had too many occasions for that, though. She's been great and there haven't been reasons for her to apologize.

My T has definitely taken responsibility for her part in our misunderstandings, though for certain they're not one-sided - I share responsibility in those misunderstandings. But T said apologized to me for her "****-ups".

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by googley

My most recent Ts have taken responsibility (or if not responsibility, explained their meaning behind what they said/did.) Often I have found that it is my misinterpreting their meaning, but they do admit that they could have been clearer about their point.

I have had some different experiences with this. Desk-T seemed to be covering herself when she gave an explanation and I came to question her motives for what felt like, well, lies. I confront her, she twists it around (re-phrase it) into something gentle and well-meaning, but for sure not at all what she originally said that made me upset. I didnt think I misinterpreted her.I felt like she was lying.

Now I find myself with a very slight degree of suspicion toward ftt. Will she be honest or will she cover herself? I liked that she called me and honestly told me about her flat tire and then called me again. She seems like an honest person I can trust.

But other times they admit that they made a mistake. I've never had them say that anything in the relationship is singularly my fault. It takes two for something to happen, they have shared the responsibility. Being that when I was growing up I was always blamed for everything that went wrong, I would not be willing to have a T who blamed me for things that go wrong. It would be like I was back living with my abusive parents.

Maybe some of this defensiveness from us comes from the fact that we actually WERE being accused of crimes we didnt commit. At an age when we couldnt understand how or why. So, we could only defend ourselves. A lot of good that did. I got to sleep in a closet for defending myself.

[Kiya]

I'm still trying to figure that out... I'm not sure if she and I just have communication errors... or translating errors... When things get tumultuous (sp) between us, we're both like 2 ruffled birds, each trying to make sense of the event and the other, but still never quite getting there. I get pretty frustrated, and I sense she does too. But when I pointed that out, she said she does NOT get frustrated, and that I am simply transferring my frustration on to her. Which makes little sense to me, as she frowns at me. I don't get it. I've never heard T say anything like "I'm sorry" or "I take responsibility for that" or "the fault is mine". She usually says things like "As you know, scheduling in the evening can be rough, as things do come up." Or "Gee I was really hoping the front door would be unlocked for you, but you just never know around here." Or even "Kiya!! It's like I'm KILLING you!" (when we were in our rupture and i was soooooooooobbing).

Tree - i am so glad your T is as awesome as he is!!!

[Melbadaze]

yes T always takes responsiblitys...some threads where its "inplied" a t is neglectful or hurtful I stay away from because A/ it could well be a case of transference that hasnt been worked through, B/ The poster is sufferiing from a PD and is acting out by seeking attention by posting a negative post...you can sort of tell whose a regular poster and whose just popping in and out with the same negative posts...I'm afraid patience isnt my strongest asset in those incidences..when so many others are really trying to work things through.

[WePow]

My T has never made a mistake. JK !!! Hee hee hee! He would totally LOL if he heard me say that. One time he said something that I took to mean something it did not. It was not "bad" but just something I thought he wanted to see from a specific way he saw it - but that was NOT the case. Well the next session I mentioned back to him the way I thought he told me - and his eyes got wide and he looked very shocked and upset with himself at the same time. He appologized right away and said that was not the way he meant it to sound and he repeated what I thought he said so he was clear on it. Then we finished session and I thought that was it. Well the session after that one, he started it by saying what he was originally trying to say in a very clear way and expressing exactly how what I thought he said was not at all what he needed to convey. It was AMAZING because I could tell he had gone home and completely thought about the situation and was determined to make sure it was not an open issue or a misunderstanding. That was just awesome.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

A couple of people here lately have mentioned their T's NOT taking responsibility for things. I'm wondering if that really IS the norm (as some people have implied), or not...

I feel my T does take responsibility. It's a two-way relationship, so it would be kind of yucky if only one person ever took responsibility (kind of like my failed marriage), so I'm glad he is an equal player. Like with countertransference--he definitely owns it when it happens. He will label it and tell me. He's very honest. I am not left to wonder, "what is going on?" My T has apologized to me before when he needed to, and I have apologized to him too. I remember the first time I felt I had to apologize he said you don't have to do that. But I did. How could I not? That would be a weird relationship--to never apologize when you screw up. I wouldn't want that, and after that he never told me not to apologize again. He just accepts it graciously. And I try to accept his graciously too. There have also been times when we discussed what happened previously in therapy, and he has said things almost as if he was thinking out loud, "hmmm, I can see why you would think that. Next time I should try this instead and then X would happen instead of Y and you would not end up such and such..." I feel like I am getting to hear his clinician's mind at work when he talks like that, and I learn how he is always striving to be a better therapist and improve his technique. I like that.

Originally Posted by Ripley

I think that T's who will never admit to anything or apologize for anything may be adhering to a particular therapeutic orientation

What is that orientation? It seems like it would be difficult to have much reciprocity with that approach. Ripley, like you, I would not like this approach at all!

Originally Posted by farmergirl

And it seems what happens is that so often we can be triggered by things other people inadverdently do or say by all our old demons. Hopefully, t would know what those demons are and avoid those situations

I want my T to treat me as he would anyone and not try to avoid my triggers. Those are things I need to work on, not avoid. I don't want him to have to walk on eggshells around me. When I have been triggered in therapy by something he said or did, we have learned a lot.

Originally Posted by treehouse

it feels like he provides a really good example of how to communicate and how to be in a relationship.

I feel this way about my T too. He has really modeled good communication and relationship skills for me. I have learned so much. Still learning....

[splitimage]

My T always takes responsibility - in all our years together we've only had two really big epic failures on her part (we've had minor misunderstandings but they've usually been mutual.) In the first case, we did a lot of work around processing my mother's death, right before Christmas, and then T left for a 4 week vacation. It left me an absolute mess - talk about feelings of abandonment, and I started cutting again, after 15 years really badly. When I told T about it, she was completely apologetic saying she should never have started the work knowing she was going away or she should have at least spent some time helping me deal with the abandonment issues. Now she uses it as a case study in what not to do when she's training other T's. LOL I'm a case study.

More recently she pushed me to far in an EMDR session - much farther than I wanted to go, and I indicated that I wasn't ready. I wound up dissociating really badly, and hurt myself again. When I told her the next week, she was totally apologetic.

I like the fact that my T can admit when she's made a mistake.

--splitimage

[Fartraveler]

My T always takes responsibility - in all our years together we've only had two really big epic failures on her part (we've had minor misunderstandings but they've usually been mutual.) In the first case, we did a lot of work around processing my mother's death, right before Christmas, and then T left for a 4 week vacation. It left me an absolute mess - talk about feelings of abandonment, and I started cutting again, after 15 years really badly. When I told T about it, she was completely apologetic saying she should never have started the work knowing she was going away or she should have at least spent some time helping me deal with the abandonment issues. Now she uses it as a case study in what not to do when she's training other T's. LOL I'm a case study.

This is very similar to what happened with my T. That is, I did serious cutting when I was in my teens, stopped when I left home, and then, decades later, about six months into therapy, I started again. And I spent about a year cutting, and now have gradually pulled myself out of it. I haven't cut for over a year (although I still fight urges).

My T (in the few times I have brought this up) has always said that it wasn't about her, it was about issues I couldn't handle. But I still feel that she in some sense is responsible, because I didn't cut for decades, and then only started again when in therapy. So how could it not be about her? How could she not be involved?

I thought I had accepted her thinking -- of course I realize that cutting is my own chosen response, and as I say, I have now chosen to stop. But I am realizing through my posts here that I am actually still really upset by this. I am upset by her not taking any responsibility for my reaction to therapy.

I had no idea what was going on. I was so shocked and scared. She was the therapist. She was supposed to know what was going on. She was supposed to be managing all this, in a way. And she didn't. And then she said it was all because of me.

And I get that, OK, she has a zillion clients and they don't all cut. So if I choose cutting, then it is about me and my issues, and not about her. But I guess that, on a deeply emotional level, I don't really believe it. Because if I didn't cut for a decades, and then when I get with her, I start again, then in some sense it is about her.

And I guess I am just realizing that I am more angry and hurt than I had realized.

I want her to take responsibility. I feel she owes me that.

[elliemay]

My T will freely accept responsibility when he screws up, although sometimes it takes a little convincing on my part to get him to see it.