I seriously seriously want to crawl out of my skin. Not using a bad coping skill is so so so so so so hard. I keep thinking about (triggering things) and wanting to do them SO badly. I know it would make me feel better, at least for a minute. And then of course, it would make me feel worse. But it's so tempting for that moment of relief. I haven't felt like this so strongly in quite a while.

Yesterday, I was at this huge party. My band played a set. There was birthday cake and presents for me (it wasn't a birthday party, but my friends surprised me). I know it must have been fun, but it's lost time. I remember tuning in for flashes of time at the party, but I couldn't stay present. I know when I get really dissociative like that, it's not a good sign...it means that my stress/anxiety level is way bigger than my coping skills.

I know it's progress that I can recognize what's going on: I'm losing time, I'm uncomfortable in my skin, I want more than ANYTHING to use a bad coping skill. I'm not just lost in it (yet), so maybe I can pull myself out before it gets too bad. I have T today at 4. If we skip any small talk and I can somehow go in and just get started (instead of playing with the lights, changing my seat multiple times, etc) I'll have an hour to try to get myself to a better place. I KNOW me though. When I'm like this, I switch a lot, and anything could happen in therapy I know this downward spiral, and I have to find a way to pull out of it.

I just needed a place to vent and write and see if anyone has any feedback. I'm just going to try to get through the day. I hate hate hate hate hate HATE that I will look back at today and have lost a bunch of time. I hate it

Keep using your GOOD coping skills. You already have. Good job. Just keep it up. You can do it. Breathe. Stay as distracted as possible. Stay on PC as much as you need to. You should be proud of yourself for coping as well as you are. Keep it up.

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((((((((( treehouse ))))))))))))))))))))))))

keeping close to you today.

[googley]

(((((((Tree))))))
Please keep using your good coping skills. Can you use the sticky information to help you ground? Can you write T an email to let him know how bad things are to make sure that they are addressed when you are in session today even if you lose time. Let him know what to expect so that he can help you even if at the time you are not present. Please take gentle care of yourself. Post as much as you need to. Play games with your kids. Is there snow where you are, can you play in it? Remember to breath slow deep breaths. Know that we care about you. Lots of safe hugs for you if you want them.


Googley.

[Fartraveler]

(((((Tree))))

-Far

tree

send him a copy of your post so he has an idea of what's going on & then call him and leave a phone message to read his e mails before your session...

this way he can help you get right to the point..even tho you can't say so maybe right then and there.

a thought...
i do stuff like that when i need help..one of the peeps calls t and gives her the heads up so that i don't go in and piddle the time away talking about other stuff when there are important things that need to be addressed.

good luck! feel better

stumpy
can you see the icicles on my ears?

[gravyyy]

I hear you Tree... it's such a horrible feeling. I get that, but like you said, using your bad coping mechanisms will not help you feel better in the long run... it will make things worse. Take a walk, go for a run, play with the dog or cat or toehr pet if you have one. Go out to the store and walk around... do anything to avoid the fallout that comes with using the bad coping mechanisms you're thinking about right now. 4:00 is almost here and you can let it all out to T. Hang in there Tree... sending you good thoughts... keep us posted.

THANK you for responding, and thanks so much to those who suggested I contact T. I did send him a quick e-mail and I basically said what was in my post. And I asked him to help me get focused and get started today. He e-mailed me back and said he would.

I'm glad I did that, because when I am feeling like this I tend to walk in there and lose myself. Hopefully today, I won't.

[jexa]

((((((((tree))))))))

((((((tree)))))) hoping your session went well.

[sittingatwatersedge]

dear tree, are you better now? i hope so.

I saw T. I did manage to just adjust the lights once and then flop on the couch and get started. It was a hard session. I know T was confused about what's going on with me, and it was hard for me to make him understand. Because of my history, I am WELL TRAINED never to talk about what is going on at home (when I was little I was told I would be killed, and I absolutely believed it), so it's really hard for me to talk about all of the stuff about H. I almost can't do it. My young parts get all mixed up with grown up me and it's just a confusing mess. I think it's also why I'm having such a hard time being present right now. I'm just scared.

I finally couldn't stand it anymore...I was getting a really bad tummy ache and thought I was going to throw up. I think T and I played dots (a pencil and paper game) and drew a picture. He thanked me twice for sticking with it long enough to help him understand what's going on.

That's it. I asked T if I feel so horrible because I'm healing. And he said yes. He said developing consciousness makes things hard sometimes. I hope it's all worth it in the end.

(((((((((((((tree)))))))))))))))

i totally get the not talking thing. it can be so reflexive for some of us and in your situation i'm sure it's incredibly difficult with that big fat lie you were told. i am so sorry you were ever told that crap. in ACA they say the 3 rules in our dysfunctional families were: don't talk, don't feel, & don't trust. we're breaking those rules tree! it's good to be a bit rebellious at times.

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Tree))))) Im glad you sent the email to T and he got a heads up. Its so important that you asked for help in getting focused. Were you able to get it all out about H? T is so wonderful playing dots with you so you can get it out.

I so know that dont talk, dont feel and dont trust. That is why we are doing this now instead of at 16. We could not talk, we didnt even know how to feel, and who can we trust enough to to tell what went on and how we felt even if we knew how?

And all of it feels so uncomfortable and painful. ((((((Tree)))) We are all here and i know you know you can trust to process here whatever you are feelings. You are not 8 years old anymore and that family situation no longer exists. You are safe now and your life is yours.

[MissCharlotte]

((Tree))

I have this fantasy of bringing a deluxe scrabble board to T with me.



I hope you feel better soon. I remember telling T once that I didn't feel comfortable in my skin. It's not a good feeling. I remember I couldn't sit still in session that day.

[sittingatwatersedge]

<<<<<< treehouse >>>>>> whew you made it.
I'm proud of you!
I think this is what directing your own session is all about; you are self-aware enough to see the problem coming, you took advance steps so that T could help you with it (this is wonderful); and you backed off when you needed to, not pushing yourself too hard. Well done !!

[mixedup_emotions]

Tree, I'm glad you were able to see T and made progress, although I know how much it sucks. I'd rather run and hide than face things....so you are more brave than I am!

[moonrise]

((((Tree))))
I'm so happy you were able to get through w/o using negative coping skills.That can be so hard to do, but you did it!

[BlueMoon6]

Tree- Are you there? How are you today?

((((((((((blue)))))))))

I'm here. I used bad coping skills. I'm afraid to call T...I'm afraid of being in trouble, but I don't know why. I wrote him a bunch of e-mails, but I couldn't write one that I felt safe to send. I don't know what I'm afraid of, or why I'm afraid.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.
-Max Ehrmann

((tree)) I'm sorry you are feeling afraid. T's there for you, if you'll let him.

[BlueMoon6]

What happened? What did you do? What have you been doing to cope with your feelings?

I love you...we all love you....post......please.....

[mixedup_emotions]

((((tree))))

I've been there - with the bad coping skills - and I know the feelings that come with it. You are hurting. I wish I could take the pain away from you....but I know i can't. Just know that you are cared for here, and that I understand what you're going through.

[googley]

((((((Tree))))))



Do you have another appointment this week? Please take care.

I finally was able to send an e-mail to T. It was a one line e-mail, just reaching out to see if he's there. Of course he is. But I needed to do it. It's funny - I had written a REALLY long e-mail and didn't feel safe sending it, then I wrote a shorter one, and a shorter one, and finally sent the one line one. I saved the other ones in my drafts. Maybe I will bring them to read on Thursday. There is important stuff in there. Maybe I will feel safer reading it to him in person so I can see his reaction.

I'm going to bed. I hate that I used bad coping skills. I know I would tell someone else to be gentle with themselves, and I would really mean it.

I think I just want to sleep. Thanks for letting me use the board to vent and to get support.