Getting past suppression

That was the topic of my session today. My t claims that I am, hands down, the patient of his who suppresses the most. Probably so. I have this tendency to just let things roll off me. I don't even recognize when something needs to be looked at and dealt with. "So," says I, "if I can't even recognize I'm doing it, how on earth can I work on those issues?"

T worked with me today on recognizing physical signs that something may be up. We worked with tension and anxiety. Anxiety is not a bad thing. It is protective and adaptive, but when anxiety is irrational, then there is something else going on.

My assignment: practice paying attention to feelings of anxiety or tension. What is going on? Is the anxiety rational? If not, what am I really thinking about? (that's the tough one). What are the mistaken beliefs from my childhood that are being triggered by whatever is going on? Acknowledge those. What is the truth?

He made a point to say that we can hold on to things we are sure are true for a very long time unless we really look at them and challenge them.

I'll keep working on this. His favorite book is The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. He doesn't care about most of the book, but right in the middle of the book are two chapters on self talk and mistaken beliefs. They are just packed with introspection. It's very cbt, but not in a real surfacy kind of way. Requires so much reflection on childhood and how childhood impacts us as adults. I've read through these chapters before, but I'm working through them again. It's interesting to see how my thinking has changed in some ways and how it seems to be set in concrete in other ways.

I know all this stuff intellectually, and parts of it I've come to internalize pretty well, but other things are greater challenges.

Just a good session. Food for thought.

That DOES sound like a good session.

I find it really hard to find the balance between staying busy and living my life and allowing myself to look at the things I need to look at to heal. When am I supressing something that I need to look at...when am I allowing myself to spiral out when I just need to move on?

Do you think that it's hard to let yourself look at stuff because your T is so gung-ho about "keep moving, stay busy, don't get caught up in this stuff"? I don't mean that in a negative way...just genuinely curious. I know I am WAY sensitive because I grew up with "DON'T TELL, it's not that bad, etc", so it's really easy for me to take something from T like "hey, why don't you do some physical work and put this stuff aside for now" as "don't talk about this anymore, it's NOT okay".

No, I've been suppressing since I was about 5 years old. I just do it so automatically, even before I realize that I've done it, so it's not like when I am distracting myself from ruminating or racing thoughts that are pounding on me. In this case, I don't even really let the thoughts form in the first place, so there is nothing to distract myself from. It's akin to repressed memories that way. These are thoughts that I just don't even see in the first place, so they don't bother me consciously. That's why he's working on me telling maybe through sensation that something is there. I'm just so good at not being aware of these thoughts at all.

Yes I find its only when I'm in the midst of free associating does a buried thought suddenly pop up and I realize that it makes no sense to my life now whatsoever, and I realize then that all I need to do is challenge the thought and it pops just like a soap sud, yet again its best done in the moment, writing negative thoughts down and trying to write their opposite doesn't work for me, I need to just be chatting with T and then when the suppressed thought pops up, so can it be resolved in the moment.

Ahhhhh, this makes so much sense. I do this too...

I like his idea of paying attention to your feelings for a clue.

Maybe this has been your way of coping your whole life? It isn't a problem if you can't see it? So sweep it under the rug........? "Everything is okay, everything is okay". If you keep telling yourself this, it makes it so but at a high cost to your emotional health because this isn't really being fair to yourself.

To an extent. Where things trigger old tapes, absolutely. I wouldn't go as far as saying my whole life though. This is where really knowing what my mistaken beliefs are about myself comes in really handy. It's particular areas that are an issue.

I get this but i don't at the same time! I get it because i dissociate from my feelings a lot of the time too so generally have no idea what is happening to them. But i feel a sharp pain in my chest instead which is my physical sign. So i'm assuming that you notice you are anxious but don't know what about? Because if you didn't notice anything then nothing would ever bother you and you wouldn't be in therapy. Or do you have to stop yourself during that day and ask yourself if you are anxious or tense to figure out that you are? Sorry, this has to be the most unclear reply in the world - it's hard trying to write about non-existant yet existant feelings!

Oh, I notice plenty. But some things I just suppress. It's an automatic reaction, and I'm good at it. However, there are times I realize I'm triggered but don't know why, or there are times when I'm just anxious for no apparent reason. That's when I am supposed to stop and pay attention. Generally, I never do. That's the problem.