How do you seek help?

How do you seek help, when you're both a minor who's socially reclusive and reserved?

It frightens me that I am nearly 17 years old, almost considered an adult by legal terms yet I feel no more mature or sane then the stricken and destitute 12 year old middle schooler I was.

I've fought a slew of emotions, most of which make me feel either anxious, depressed, suicidal, or a vicious amalgamation of all three. I've found it so hard to reach out due to my reclusive nature, my upbringing, parents, culture, friends...etc

But I've had enough of this, I've had enough of living a life of **** that could of been otherwise. I've had enough of my regrets of my lost adolescence or my damaged future. 5 years of struggling and 5 years of permanent psychosocioemotionalacademic damage is enough...I don't want this to continue, and I know that if my willpower is all that is left to hold back the flood then it will continue.

So denizens of PC...what do I do?

Perhaps you could start by talking to a counselor at school if you are comfortable with that.

When I was a bit younger than you and finally figured out i needed some help, I spoke to my family doctor during one of my visits for a routine physical. He is bound by confidentiality so you don't have to worry about that. If you don't go out much, could you call your doctor?

It is scary to take that first step; yet when you hit upon the right confidant things become so much easier. A burden shared is a burden halved. All it takes is to take the first step. This will take courage; so may God give you the strength!

Hi Monsieur,

I don't have any great answers for you I am sorry to say, but your post did strike a cord with me because I told my therapist recently that I feel 12 years old a LOT. So now we are going to have to talk about that, although I said "I don't want to"...which he said is a very childlike response, ha.

Anyway, I hope that you are able to find the right person to talk to. The first step is just trying! I just wanted to let you know that are not alone in still feeling 12, and I am tired of it, too...

I wish I could, but as of now a new semester is starting and the counselors are literally swamped with scores of people trying to change classes and what not. Besides, the so called "counselors" hardly seem like counselors and more like secretaries who change classes and review transcripts but that's it.

More regret on my part...a while ago I had a routine checkup with my doctor. He even asked my mom to step outside and then asked me directly if I was feeling depressed at all. I said no...why'd I do that? ****?! Anyways maybe that'd work, now I just need to find his number...

Thank you Skyliner, I'm gonna need that strength and courage. Guess sometimes it takes a bigger man to admit defeat then keep on going till he drops dead.

Thanks Tractionbeam, guess we've got some inner growing up to do on our part...

Oh how I'd love to be normal for once...
~Monsieur

Hi again,

Yes, if you can find his number and call, that would be a good place to start...esp. since he seemed to be paying attention enough to notice there was something going on with you.

I felt "normal" for a bit. But then it went away...and now I feel like I should be holding on to a stuffed animal while I am at my desk during the day, which is just ridiculous...

Anyway, I truly hope things get better for you.

I totally understand this! I was 17 before I was able to fully reach out to anyone for help. It's a HUGE first step, and it's scary as hell, but if you just take the plunge and do it quick, it makes things a lot easier. It's like jumping into a cold swimming pool: sometimes you just have to dive in and then let your body adjust to the cold. It's tough, but it's so worth it in the end.

I wish you the most luck in your journey for help.

I just want to say I can relate and I wish I had the courage you do at your age. You are incredibly articulate, in touch with what you are dealing with and, in the forum have strong communicative skills. Sometimes sharing those feelings with others in a less vulnerable capacity, i.e. here, you gain the awareness and initiative to take the next step. I agree with, the idea of, getting help from the doctor that asked if you were feeling okay. Please let us know how things work out.

i first tried with my school counselor when i was 16. she asked me a few questions directly (after she knew me a while) and i panicked and said "no" (e.g., are you self harming + stuff like that). when i eventually did feel comfortable i wrote her a letter.

i wonder if maybe writing out what you want help with might be a good idea, and then you could give it to your dr in the appointment if the words get too much to say themselves?

My first thought -- you express yourself beautifully, especially for someone your age. Write, write, write! Write for yourself. Eventually you may want to write for others too. Journal, write your own comic, write poems, whatever...and keep posting here!

Insight is so vital to getting better (whatever that really means). And you've got tons of it. Use your light!

Oh yeah, I wanted to second others' comments that nobody ever feels grown up! It just doesn't happen. And you're certainly not going to feel like an adult at 17, though you may feel that you're more mature than others your age. (It might be true, too.)

I don't think you've wasted any time. Experience is always useful, even when it's painful. And you're taking some exciting steps forward now.

I think it was novelist Flannery O'Connor who said that at five years old, we've already got enough material for a lifetime of novels. Your early experience means something. You never know when you'll be able to use it. If growing up means forgetting our early trauma, then it's not worth it. Nothing is lost!

Thanks for the support Tractionbeam. Sometimes other people never really realize how hard we work to become even remotely normal in society. For every step they take, we gotta take a leap.

Thanks Fallenangel, practically every year I've promised myself that I'd come out with the truth of my misery and get help, but year after year my anxiety and fears seem to work in collaboration with my depression in chaining me down indefinitely. Today I promised myself I'd call a crisis hotline, dialed the number but panicked and hung up. Gotta take the dive, gotta take the dive, gotta take the dive...

Thanks for the support Ascension, I'm more or less a stuttering mess in person .

The written word is so much more comfortable. No subtle invisible rules, no insecurity over looks, no trepidation over judgmental stares and eye contact. Yeah, I like that idea of having a pre-written note that I could bring.

Thank you Kitten, sometimes I think the only thing keeping me back from completely breaking down is the tiny hope in my heart that my writing can one day become my salvation. Ah...whether these past years have been experience or not, I still live with deep regrets about what I could of done, where I could of gone if I hadn't been so racked with misery.

Days and days go by and I don't know where all those pages in my calender went. I don't know what I was doing at all, a part of my life that just seemed have vanished completely in a dense fog. I fear that even as I learn to grow up that same fog is just going to follow me wherever...

I'll try to keep posting around here, but consistency and motivation aren't really my best features.

I really appreciate everyone's advice and responses.
~Monsieur

Monsieur-

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I was about your age when I first reached out for help. It was really scary. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know who to ask for help, and I didn't know if I was going to be able to feel better. And my depression didn't help these worries at all. I spent multiple years before that in pain thinking that I could fix myself and then feeling like nothing would ever get better. It takes a lot of strength to ask for help. Realizing that you need help is the first step. If you ask for help you should make sure that you feel comfortable with who you are working with. Don't settle for the first person that comes along if they are not right for you. I did because I didn't know what to expect and didn't know how to speak up for what I needed. I was just happy to have someone to listen to me. So I guess the summary of my ramble here is that you are really strong to ask for help and keep asking until you get the help you need. Your doctor sounds really great. I hope if you start therapy he is able to give you good help in finding what you need. Take care.

Thanks for the support Googley, I'm also feeling quite unsure of what's going to happen and if it's even going to do anything at all. Hopefully one day I can start living in life rather then being crushed underneath it.

Take care as well,
~Monsieur

Monsieur,

I'm really glad you posted here. You are definately not alone. I'm so sorry that you been caught up in the swirl, but I can not tell you how good it is that you are reaching for a life line.

I hear you about counselors in your school. In most cases it's like - whatever!

I would likely encourage you to reach back out to the doctor that first inquired about your depression. They may be able to really really help you. It doesn't all have to be willpower. We all deserve help and respect, and I think you will find it.

Take good care, I admire your courage as you move forward.

I did it. I got an appointment with a psychologist. I'm not even sure how it happened, guess I just kind of blurted it out to my parents during dinner. I'm feeling content with that I guess, but unfortunately the appointment is about a month away. All these years fighting depression and the likes have exhausted my strength and brutalized my spirit, I just feel so tired and demoralized. Already I feel as though that this one month, another month living in silence and agony is inevitably going to feel like a lifetime.

I keep having this dream that I'm walking through a raging blizzard. I'm gripping my chest but it's no use, blood is flowing freely from my wounds as I walk onward with a bloody trail following me wherever. I wander aimlessly as the wind and snow blind my vision, slowly the coldness of the snowstorm pierces through my clothing despite all the layers I'm wearing.

I fall to my knees as my breath falls short and my blood runs low. Suddenly in the distance, a strange faint light appears amidst the misery of the blizzard. I grow desperate as I start staggering towards it with whatever strength I have left, but ultimately I succumb to my wounds and collapse, the footprints of my struggle slowly being blown away...

I'm glad I could pull through with getting an appointment, guess now I need survive long enough to even see the doctor...