Ugh, I'm so angry.

Therapy was super hard today. It just was. We're talking about crap that's so hard and it makes me dissociate and I try to stay present and it makes me feel so stupid because T is sitting there looking at me and I'm just such a freaking MESS...hiding my face, drifting in and out, just lost and confused and stupid. I hate it, hate it, hate it. UGH!

T helped me get grounded about 10 minutes before I left. We stood up and talked standing up for a few minutes and just got present.

I just felt like crap though. And I wanted to feel better. And T said we need to SLOW DOWN and I feel like if we slow down we'll never get through all of this It feels like there's too much, like I'll never be all better. T says I AM moving forward, but I don't know. I just hate this place I'm at. Why did I have to move FORWARD into such a crappy place?

So, when I left, I didn't hug him (we always hug). I just stuck my hands in the pocket of my coat and walked out the door Why? I feel guilty now, because I was being angry at T and T didn't do anything. He works really hard with me.

I left him a message and told him that I think I'm mad at ME, not at him. I think I am. I hate myself for needing therapy twice a week and for everything that happened to me when I was little, and when I was a teen. I AM SO ****ING STUPID.

Ack. I don't know.

[Sannah]

I think that everything is happening as it should. What happened to you is tough and it would be tough for anyone to face. You did good....... I'm sorry this process has to feel so bad, though............

[jennaorgana]

you need to not be so hard on yourself... therapy is so difficult. it is when it is difficult that you are making progress. if it was easy, none of us would ever get better, ever! so just know that even when you feel like you are moving backwards, just showing up and trying is a sign that you are moving forward.

i know what it feels like to have those tough sessions. especially ones that make you feel guilty afterwards for taking out your embarrassment or anger on your T. trust me, they are trained and they've got enough experience to know that you are releasing onto them... you aren't mad at him, you are just frustrated by the work. he knows that, he has too.. so don't feel guilty!

[WePow]

Therapy is sometimes being free to be upset at T or at self or at the world or at abusers. It is a place where we can just BE. Perhaps you were feeling things in session that you would rather not feel and it was hard to feel that. If a person feels exposed or vulnerable - physical human contact of any sort can be highly triggering and uncomfortable. Your T knows all this. And it is ok if you were mad at T when you left - for any reason or for no reason. That is the wonder of therapy. It is NOT a friendship. It is a professional work relationship that is very one sided - OUR side. It is designed to be that way for a reason. As long as a person is not abusing a T - which not giving a hug is not abuse ;-) and the person is not crossing boundries that should not be crossed ... well experiencing and feeling the range just is what it is. Explore the emotions and see where the path leads. ALLOW yourself to go down this road. T is not going to stop seeing you or helping you because of this.

Originally Posted by treehouse

Why did I have to move FORWARD into such a crappy place?

To eventually be able to get through them? I know I've said it before, but sometimes the only way out is through. And I know you've said it before, but feelings are information. I know they feel unmanageably big sometimes, but...I really think you're doing the right thing by moving forward, at your own pace of course.

I was just reading back through some things I wrote about my therapy quite a while back. It was shocking what a different headspace I was in then. And sad too, so much hurt there. The difficultness of the sessions, the ruptures, the heightened emotional responses -- the whole works. But I do think by dealing with the hurt, by returning to it and processing it over and over until I felt "full" of that, it helped me be able to move through those things. Not to say those feelings will never surface again, but on the whole, everything is so much more calm now. It's like I played out what I needed to, learned from it, and now have more insight when I feel things -- the feelings don't overtake me. I don't know if this is helpful at all, but I just get the impression that you're doing some of that earlier work, having to dig in and work through some exceptionally difficult stuff. Of course it's triggering and uncomfortable. But maybe by doing this, by processing it, it will take some of the power away and help it not feel so intense in the future?

[googley]

I have to run out the door so I will post more (much later tonight). But I wanted to tell you to not be hard on yourself. Your T will understand that you are going through a rough patch and he cares for you. The hug at the end of session is there for you, not for him. He wont take it personally. He still cares about you. He knows how hard you are working and sometimes that requires us to pull back from the supports we have. Please take care of yourself.

[sunrise]

(((((treehouse)))))

And T said we need to SLOW DOWN

I know you don't want to, but could this help?

We're talking about crap that's so hard and it makes me dissociate

Are there different ways to share this stuff without dissociating? What ways have been "easier" (if there is such a thing) in the past? I think that at one session you said you wrote things on a piece of paper and then passed them to T, and he would respond by writing on the paper? Was that a little easier and you could stay present? Maybe when it is super hard like it is now, you could share in that less intense way but yet still be moving forward.

T offered his 1pm tomorrow to me. I guess I am going.

Maybe you're right, Sunny. Maybe I need to write instead of try to talk.

It just feels so awful. It almost feels VOYEURISTIC of T to sit there and watch me while I hide and squirm and dissociate and suffer. He just sits there not having to feel anything. Why won't he just leave me alone

[Sannah]

That's one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is he is being a witness to what you suffered.

[zooropa]

tree, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry this happened to you that you HAVE to go through this.

I can so relate to the feeling of not wanting to slow down, because if you do, you won't ever be done. I want to just push, push, push through the trauma work, too, but I don't think that's going to work for me and maybe it's not going to work for you, either. Maybe it doesn't work like that? I think maybe it's more like a dance, back and forth, instead of a linear race, start to finish.

I don't know, but I'm so glad you are going to see your T tomorrow, and sannah, what you said about T being a witness, it literally brought tears to my eyes.

[googley]

Tree,
I'm glad you are going to see T tomorrow. I think this will help you get through this tough time. Talk to your T about how uncomfortable it makes you talking about these things. He can reassure you about what is happening for him when you are having such a hard time. Take care of yourself.