Boundaries

(((((((((darkrunner)))))))))

I SO understand this, and it all makes me feel really confused too, for the same reason as you.

I think when I started therapy if my T had bent the boundaries in ANY way, shape, or form, I would have run. For sure. FOR SURE. My T was so, so, so, so careful and respectful. He literally would even tell me if he was going to get up and walk across the room for the receipt, because just having him move around the room completely freaked me out. I almost had to back out of the room after sessions because I was so scared to turn my back to him...we decided at one point that he would stay in his chair until I was out of the room so I would feel safe.

I've seen him twice a week for over two years and he has PROVEN to me that I am safe with him. Time after time after time, session after session after session, I have had the chance to experience him and to experience the safety of being with someone with good, solid boundaries.

My guess is that T bends the boundaries a little bit for me now. But *I* get to decide everything that happens. He will hold my hand if I ask. I can sit in his chair if I ask. He will join me on the floor IF I ASK. If I tell him to move his chair against the wall and be as far away from me as possible, he would do that too. Unless I ask for something different, he sits in his chair and I sit on the couch and that's that. AND he doesn't give me everything that I ask for. I've asked to go for a walk outside (his office is across from my favorite hiking spot) and he has said "no". I've asked him if I can move in with his family and he says "no" I am POSITIVE, 100% for sure, that we will never meet for coffee, or be facebook friends. He'll never give me his home phone number or come and change a flat tire for me.

I don't know if this answers your question at all, but this is how it is for me. If I had walked in the door and he had held my hand I would have left and never EVER gone back. It's taken a lot of time to build a relationship and to build trust...but it's been really, really healing.

thank you for this post, darkrunner. i share the same concerns as you. i remember when pdoc gave me his mobile number a few years ago and i completely freaked out (probably have a thread on it somewhere around here ) because the "normal" thing to do is call his reception, make an appt etc. now i just send him a text and we meet at a different spot than we did before.

i just find all of this very difficult. i have never been ill used by a therapist before, but i do have major trust issues with them - or pretty much anyone. my current T has asked me to do him a work-related favour (that would involve a few good days of work), and i'm happy to help but it does mean we stop being strictly client/therapist. and if he was an evil T (which i very much doubt; but then - if they do want to hurt you they make you feel special, right??) he could take things on a different course from there. he has already told me how i'm special, how we're alike, how he does things for me he doesn't do for others etc. he also emphasises how ethical he is with all of his clients.

i dont understand how someone in my position is meant to know.

darkrunner, the example I gave about the $500 is definitely one that gives "food for thought." In that case it worked out OK, but as you suggested, the ending might not have been so happy. This was definitely a point of discussion in my class. I am glad this example was included as a case study so that we could discuss this issue. It would have been easier to give a case example where the boundaries were loosened and harm resulted. But instead we got a positive outcome of bending the rules. Makes one think. Therapists will be faced with this many times in their practice, so good to grapple with these issues early.

Here's another example of boundary transgression. In this one, the client was harmed and the therapist lost his license. A therapist had an established relationship with a boy (about 12, I think, but not sure). The therapist sometimes saw this boy outside of the office--bought him a coke at the corner store, etc. The boy was not well off and in a bad home situation. The therapist said (hinted?) that he would buy the boy a bicycle for Christmas. Perhaps realizing he had gone too far, the therapist did not buy the bike, but the boy had expected/counted on it and was very upset, felt betrayed, etc. A complaint was filed. The therapist lost his license.

Part of adhering to strict boundaries is that it provides "risk management" for therapists. This means risk to themselves. That may sound rather uncaring, but you see seminars and continuing education for therapists on this topic all the time.

Interestingly, I had a situation come up with my T that he said he could only handle in a certain way, due to ethical concerns. Yet his ethical concerns ran counter to other ethical concerns about the situation. Whose ethics are "right"?

There really is food for thought here. On the one hand, the therapists that go above and beyond to rescue a client (emotionally, physically) are very special and operated at this high level of morality. But, as Sunrise pointed out, I believe it comes with experience and knowing your client.

On the other hand, as vulnerable clients ourselves who may not be certain when inappropriate things are being said and done, we can easily fall into exploitive situations. Can I bring up desk-T again? She never went above and beyond for me, but she did say and do some really inappropriate things. How was I to know? I took these things as the way I should be treated. As I look back, I see some of these things as hostile and downright abusive. Ive told the stories here. I am never dramatic in session, but once I said to her at the end of a session, "....I feel like I am going to fall apart..." She turned her back on me, began to do something at her computer and said, "Oh, please, you arent going to fall apart." And ignored me until I finally left. Is this ethical? I continued to see her for a long time after that. How is someone with boundaries like my own to know? And she considered herself to be of very high moral and ethical character and she said so.

Yet, when it came to my pdoc when I was a teenager, anything could have happened and I was in her hands. She was taking a risk. Maybe she didnt know she was taking such a risk? Yet she helped me more than I can say. I couldnt believe anyone would go that extra mile for me. I think, like Tree said, I had seen her for 5 years and I knew her and she knew me. I dont think she did these things in the very beginning it would have been strange. We built trust and built a relationship. I guess that is the key here, tho the T who wanted to buy the boy a bike was doing something generous and nice for the boy, he took a risk and lost. It seems like a shame he lost his license because of it.

I think what what made this T special is that she was willing to "go above and beyond" for YOU. Maybe it was a boundary crossing, maybe even at the time part of you could not get comfortable with it, but now from a more mature pespective your looking back and saying "wow, thank you. I had no idea at the time what you were doing for me and how special it was and how important it was. Thank you." She will benefit from hearing that. Wheither she remembers the details the way you do or not. Your telling her that...she was important, that her acts of kindness still live inside you...haven't been forgotten. John Dewey said to be important is one of man's deepest needs. I think just writing a short simple thank you card to her would mean a lot.IDK since I've come out of jerk mode, expressing thank you and worrying about how it might be received has been a real challenge. But one think I often realize in the process is that me saying thank you is a not harm act. If the person I express it to doesn't receive it well or doesn't understand it...that's ok. They just toss the card and say whatever. No one I know get mad or upset if you accidentally thank them. Also, For me, I feel good because I don't carry around the guilt of ...not saying what I wanted to say.

My recommendation is to write a short thank you indicating that her caring at that time really impacted you. You might also write one sentence about regeting how you ended the contact with her, she deserved better. Then you might include your contact information if she's interested in reconnecting. And that's it.

This way you say thank you and open the door. The hard part is just leaving it at that. You may want to explain your actions, you may want to reconnect with her but the purpose of the note is just to say thank you. You can't worry about what might or might not happen after its received. Now I think about gratitude as a true gift...no strings attached. I assume the person receiving it will at least say, "ah, that was throughtful." For me...I feel good because I said what I felt for a change. Win-win as they say.

Chaotic- I think youre right. It is the perspective I have many years later. And she probably will appreciate it. Her acts of kindness at that age really did give me some hope and made me feel, at least somewhat, that I was worth caring for. That I was worth something for me as opposed to what someone could use me for. I believe each supportive person/T I had contact with gave me something I could move forward with. She gave me a base I took with me. There are a lot of things I could tell her if we did have contact. I like your idea of a short note or call at first tell her thank you and that I regret the way the therapy ended.

Thanks for your great suggestions.

How true--she will be touched to know she touched your life, blue.

I like the idea of writing a note--if you send an email message, it is easier for her to discard it without realizing what it is (just another spam). A written note can have more impact, especially for someone of her age--she will appreciate the effort and politeness (the written card is becoming a thing of the past).

I agree with sunrise. A nice handwritten card provides a warmer, more thoughtful, and more personal touch. Email is fast but more much more sterile. The message your sending is worth digging around the house for a nice pen and a postage stamp. That's right...rememeber what a stamp is..LOL. If you don't want to seem like your pushing her for a response...just include a return address that is clearly readable on the envelope.

You know, I really LIKE the idea of a written card. I dont even know if I own any cards to write a note! I think I will do that. Now what will I say???? Hmmm......