[Amandasmom]

Hi, here's my situation. Back in Nov 2012, I had a rupture with my T. I was brutally honest with her and told her I feel tension between us. That she dislikes me. Her reply was why do you want to work with someone who you feel dislikes you. The session was just about over. She said for the next session to decide what I want to do. She said she would give me referrals to another therapists if that's what I want.

I really like her as a T. She is knowledgeable, helped me a lot and before we had this rupture was caring. I also have transference feelings for her.

I did not want to go to another T. I wanted to continue working with her but I needed to resolve the tension between us. I was in panic mode. Every time my T goes on vacation, she uses the same on call T. This on call T is also her sister-in-law who is a PSYD.

I decided to call her sisterinlaw to help me as she knows my T very well both as a T and on a personal level. I called her office but it was after hours so I didn't leave a message. I decided to text her. I wrote out the text asking to see her. But for some reason, I couldn't hit the send button.

I then decided to write my T an email. Apologize to her and tell her I know I messed up things between us. My T does not like to respond to emails but this one she did. She said that nothing was messed up between us but I need to understand that things I say have an impact on others.

This happened in Nov 2012. Things are great now between us. I really like her as my T. We are discussing a lot of issues. A few weeks ago, I finally got the nerve to ask her for a hug which she allowed me. I am happy with my T.

Here's my issue, I still think about what I almost did. I don't know why but it bothers me what I almost did to her. I see now how stupid it was. Although it was really only a thought as I never hit the send button, I feel the need to tell my T. If I was my T, I would be upset if I actually did send the text. Should I tell my T what I almost did - or is it opening up a can of worms and just forget it as nothing was done. If she was a friend and not my T, I would never tell her these thought. I know not to keep secrets from my T, so that's why I'm leaning to tell her. Thanks for your advice!

[archipelago]

If it is bothering you and you are leaning toward talking about it, I'm not sure what's holding you back.

Once I wanted to see someone else for a few sessions because there was a conflict with my shrink and the situation was messy and hard to untangle. I also wanted to speak to a woman because it involved domestic issues that I thought my own shrink just wasn't getting. I set it up on my own, but when I told him about it, we ended up breaking through to a better place so I cancelled what I had set up. The issue has come up here and there but always with more understanding. They call it "talk therapy" for a reason.

[anilam]

You didn't do it though and that's what counts. Plus it's not even that bad...Gee I have had tons of stupid ideas in my life (this one wouldn't even make my top 1000 wouldn't even make it in top 1000 stupid ideas I actually went through with )
However, as archipelago said, if it's stg. that's been bothering you for a while, it could have a potential detrimental effect on your RS then tell her. I can't imagine a T terminating over this.

[Asiablue]

I'm not clear on what the problem is? T gave you that number to use while she was away, you felt at the time you needed extra support and were going to see the other T but then decided against it? The fact the stand-in T was her sister in law in neither her nor there because your T invited a family member into her business, that was her choice.

Is it that you feel guilty for nearly going to someone else?

[Amandasmom]

Hi Asia, I feel guilty that I almost took the relationship problems between T and me to someone else. If I was T, I would be upset.

Amandasmom, to me this sounds like a good topic to bring up with your T. I don't know your T but it would surprise me if she were to be hurt by the fact that you almost contacted the on-call T. A therapist knows that sometimes their clients will dislike them, and sometimes the dislike will be quite unreasonable, but it's still there. I'm not saying that your dislike was unreasonable, just that it's something that happens - I've seen several people writing about situations like that on these boards. Now, you could have chosen to break off contact with your T when this dislike hit you. You could have chosen to run away. (I did that with my first T - not an identical situation, but slightly similar. It was a cowardly choice and I'm still ashamed of it, 11 years after.) Instead, you thought about trying to work through the difficulties with the help of another professional. That means that the T relationship is something you felt was worth saving.

Don't you think your T would appreciate knowing that? And since you feel bad about keeping it a secret from her, it would probably be a good idea to bring it up with her. Even if she would be hurt (which I really don't think she would, but of course I can't know because I'm not her), I bet all the good work you've done together outweighs that moment, for her.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Amandasmom

Hi Asia, I feel guilty that I almost took the relationship problems between T and me to someone else. If I was T, I would be upset.

What are the next sentences after this about how you feel? Are you getting mad at your t about something else now and looking to cause a rift? What is happening in your therapy right now, that this might cause a distraction from? You dont need to answer here, but that's what I would take a hard look at.

hankster makes a great point. Sometimes thoughts "bubble up to the surface" (that's one of my T's favourite expressions) without any obvious reason, and when that happens it can lead to really interesting places if you start to examine what's going on, what led to these thoughts coming up right now, etc. At least, that's my experience,when I discuss things with my T.

Oh, and I meant to say, it sounds like you have a great T, Amandasmom!

[Amandasmom]

Originally Posted by hankster

What are the next sentences after this about how you feel? Are you getting mad at your t about something else now and looking to cause a rift? What is happening in your therapy right now, that this might cause a distraction from? You dont need to answer here, but that's what I would take a hard look at.

No Hankster, I'm not getting mad at her. In fact, we had a session 2 weeks ago that was really important. I was finally able to tell her something that I was holding back for a long time. At the end of the session I also asked for a hug which I wanted to do for months but didn't have the nerve. She said yes. The fact is, we had a discussion last week that I should not be holding back on anything I tell her. This is why it's the appropriate time to say something.

[Amandasmom]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

hankster makes a great point. Sometimes thoughts "bubble up to the surface" (that's one of my T's favourite expressions) without any obvious reason, and when that happens it can lead to really interesting places if you start to examine what's going on, what led to these thoughts coming up right now, etc. At least, that's my experience,when I discuss things with my T.

Oh, and I meant to say, it sounds like you have a great T, Amandasmom!

Thanks Mastodon, I think she is a great T too. That's why I was panicking the day of the rupture. I didn't want to lose her.

[Karrebear]

If it will make you feel better then go for it. Just say you feel guilty for almost doing it and thought she should know. With it being a year later, and it sounds your relationship is stronger than ever, she would probably appreciate you letting her know. She will might want to explore why you still feel guilty.

Good luck!

Keep us posted!

[Amandasmom]

I have T today. Going to tell her but really nervous. I sent her an email last night telling her I need to tell her something that almost happened a year ago. This way, I won't chicken out since she knows I have something to say. Wish me luck!

[A Red Panda]

I think it's fairly common to talk to someone else when you're upset and confused about another person. It's a natural response - like right now, you're talking to all of us about it.

The fact that you were going to go to the PsyD just shows that you cared enough to seek out a professional's help instead of just going to a friend.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by Amandasmom

Hi Asia, I feel guilty that I almost took the relationship problems between T and me to someone else. If I was T, I would be upset.

I can understand Ts not liking this, but the reality is it happens all the time. Ts also take their problems with Cls to someone else (a consultation) and they are allowed to do that, and do do it, so that they can figure out their stuff and then be there for the client. My T told me that if I had a problem with him that I couldn't talk to him about and talked to someone else, he'd be glad I found support to help me. I don't think that is all Ts position - I've been with Ts that helped me, that didn't have that attitude, although we also had problems. But I think it's the right attitude to have.

I see Red Panda already said it better than I.

[Amandasmom]

Hi Everyone, thanks for all the advice. I had T today and I told her. I feel so much better. Her response was that would of been so inappropriate if I did it. She kept repeating that. We did discuss that I should be able to discuss anything with my T and shouldn't go to another T. We discussed what I learned from this (my behavior impact others etc). I feel so much better.

We discussed my SI that occurred last week too. We now have a plan in place now how to handle.

She said she's not upset with me and we even hugged when the session was over. I feel really good about today's session even if it was hard.

Now if I could only mention the transference feeling but we do CBT and I don't think it will help to mention it again. Last time I did she just listened but didn't say much. I really like my T! She has helped me so much this past year.