Why does therapy succeed -- or not?

(Trigger for strong emotions.)

I guess everyone would like to know the answer to that question. And nobody really seems to know. It is attributed often to the "match" between therapist and client -- but what does that mean? What are the factors that you can identify that promote a "match"?

OK, I have THE answer!!!

It is really very simple. Not mysterious, not something incomprehensible to the mind of man (or other human). A therapy can succeed if the therapist is truly and completely mindful of his or her own feelings. If a therapist can recognize without hindrance, without internal censorship, what those feelings or emotions are. Only then can a person distinguish between things that are and feelings about those things. That is all there is to it.

The problems arise when feelings cannot be recognized. When that happens, one begins to confuse "feelings" and "things". One begins to use words that mix the two, and mix them while not realizing that they are being mixed.

Here is an example, which probably will bother people because they think it should be a valid use of the word: beautiful. I contend that word actually is a mixture, and an unrecognized mixture, of "things" and "feelings about things". No "thing" is "beautiful". Things do not have feeling-qualities. They just "are". People (and other creatures) have feelings about things. The feeling that something "is" beautiful really means that you have a very nice feeling about it. Seeing that thing produces a sense of "congruence" within you. Congruences feel good. That's the way the brain and system works. Dissonances feel bad. Those arise when the system is unable to process what the feelings about things are. And why does the "system" fail to process successfully (mindfully) those feelings? Because we have been penalized, often "to say the least" for having those feelings. They have been suppressed in the service of avoiding fear, fear of punishment, fear of abandonment by a person of significance (read parent).

If a therapist cannot freely access her or his own feelings, and to the extent which that failure occurs, no therapy is likely fully to succeed. The "match" between therapist and client reflects how damaged is the ability to recognize what one's actual feelings are in both the client and the therapist. The more damaged the client's system the less impaired the therapist's system must be to produce a successful outcome.

OK. That's it. This is a subject that arouses big feelings within me -- because I have been penalized by people whom I took to be "authorities" for actually realizing what my feelings were, and expressing them where that was not wanted. Those "authorities" included most significantly my mother and my first therapist. Neither wanted my actual feelings. My mother "penalized" by beatings, among other things. My therapist "penalized" by attributing to me thoughts and feelings which were his and not mine. I accepted his characterization of me into myself because he was the "authority". It resulted in my massive breakdown (for which he blamed me).

OK, I guess that was not "it". Mistakes have consequences.

[quote=pachyderm;1346668](Trigger for strong emotions.)

Exactly my thoughts! I think you are absolutely right.

That’s the reason why it is sooo important to do ones own inner work before getting in to this field. There are some unhealed healers out there, doing more harm than good in their "good" intentions to help other people.

Truefaith

That makes SO much sense to me. I am so, so, SO sensitive, and if T was unable to own his own feelings/reactions, I don't think my therapy could ever succeed. It is HUGELY important to me that T recognize and own his own feelings and reactions.

Thanks for helping me thing about that, pachy.

Wow! You sure are a deep thinker. (a compliment!) You think deep and are able to express it so well. seems that you have absolutely no cognitive problems, for sure! (I would like to be able to get what's in my head-- out there -- and it would make sense, like you have)

I'm sorry you fell into the idea that authority and wisdom go hand-in-hand. sounds like had some bad experiences

I learned the hard way (by about 3-4 years old) that authority can be and is often less knowledgable than the one they are in charge of. I've not ever believed nor depended on anyone to know what is best for me........ would have been nice though to have someone in charge when growing up.

I agree with your post ..... and especially here-- the therapist must be "well" enough to see a way "out"(towards healing) for the client.... and be able to accompany client in a healthy direction.
I think a "good" therapist can get out of their own head(experiences/values/own thoughts) and go fully into the clients head and feel/think the way the client does-- that is a good way to achieve success in therapy-- nothing like true empathy and validation.

fins

Pachy my thoughts aren't totally together on this but I just want to say - right on! And thanks!

Patchy, Yes, I agree with you.

Wow, this is so incredibly insightful! Your thoughts on the "match" is very true for my T and I. Thanks for the explanation...I think you hit the nail on the head.

So with this revelation, the client can go on to find a better match?

Thanks, fins. But the truth is it comes and then it goes. I can be almost incoherent at times, and then I fear what will happen to me when people see that. That is one reason I have largely given up the thought of trying another therapist. Who knows if I will be a pumpkin (as in the Cinderella story) when the appointment time arrives? Many, many people do not understand that that can happen, and they get angry with me. I fear what they will do to me in that anger.

Sannah, my reply to you is in this reply to purple fins.

There is a lot of wisdom in your post, pachy. Thanks for explaining this so well.

Yep to that.

This sounds like triggered up stuff Pachy. What would a person do now? And why would they even get angry?

Yes.

What person? A T? Others? In any case, some do get angry or upset. I still have trouble separating that from the time when that would result in an assault on me.

THat makes sense Pachy. I can understand that. This would be a good place to start working? The chances of you getting assaulted today are pretty low?

What makes you think I haven't been working on this for a long time? Anyway, to see what reality is "today" is not that easy when your reactions are so strong, to expect the attack. They can be almost overwhelming. It is as though a whole bunch of chemicals are being introduced into your system (which they probably are). But I am getting pretty good at understanding that.

Sorry!

Yes, I know the feeling of instant fear from a trigger. It is good that you are understanding this. Are you able to do self talk when you are triggered?

Well, maybe not when I am really triggered! Maybe not at the moment. But I am getting much better at it.

One thing that bothers me is how much I remember others, definitely including mental health workers, deriding me when I tried to describe such things... I suppose they were reacting unconsciously when they perceived (again unconsciously) my fearful presentation.

THis is great! I worked on every trigger and saw improvement.

How would they deride you? You were describing your fears to them? So you think that your fear scared them?

So this is a trigger too then? How you responded to their responses are triggered up?

No, I was talking about what I think I was learning about how people behave. But at the same time I probably expressed my own anxieties indirectly, and they picked up on that. Some people do not like to deal with anxious or afraid people. Some people do not like to deal with others who are learning or improving.

I am not sure I understand you here, Sannah.

In many cases I think person 1 is triggered (unconsciously) by person 2 and then person 1 acts in a way which triggers person 2 again! That creates an unhealthy spiral!

But if one manages not to get triggered and can see (or think they see) this happening, that can be a very enjoyable experience!

I actually found that I got nervous around nervous people! Now I am more aware of it and I try to deal with it better. Our unconscious mind is very quick.

I think that if you found a good therapist that you would have a better experience.

Pachy, I just thought of this. When you get triggered in response to someone is there any way to see them in a better light? I mean, it seems that you attribute bad motives to the person? Doing this kind of projection is very powerful and actually a self fulfilling prophecy. I actually truly believe that most people don't have bad motives. They might screw up but it isn't purposeful. When you think of people like this it really does help to make the world seem like a better place and this makes it much easier to function in it.

You mean when someone is acting like a **** in traffic, is there any way to see them as nice people???

Actually what I can do now often is to imagine them having to drive that way, feeling harassed themselves, so when I see them that way I think they are not happy people and are driven and not really doing well. It is a different way of seeing things, and once you can do it they do not trigger you.

Yes! When I see someone behaving in a not so generous way I feel sorry for them.

I imagine the person in traffic being a friend or relative (or myself, when I'm able to remember when I've done things "like" whatever they're doing). But the #1 thing I accidentally learned about traffic (slowpokes on one-lane country roads really really get to me!) is if someone is bothering me, just pull over somewhere for a minute or two and when you get back in traffic/on the road, that person/problem will be gone.

((((pachy))))

Excellent description, and very interesting post.

I just wanted to add that now we have neurological basis for what you describe with mirror neurons. It wasn't until very recently that we discovered these neurons in our brain that are there to 'mirror' the responses of others. This is very useful for learning in the pre-verbal world, but the trick is *what* we are mirroring/learning.

If we have a caregiver who gets scared or anxious when we cry, then our brains learn that crying = scary/wrong. As a young child, we depend on the caregiver, so we adapt to their emotional responses as a survival technique. Rather than letting ourselves cry, we learn to stuff those feelings...because *our caregiver* cannot handle them. NOT because we are broken. The way out is (as you described) to either find a T who mirrors the proper responses, and/or to gain awareness through mindfulness of how our brains are wired.

When therapy works, I think it is because out T's mirror the response we need to heal. If our T's get triggered, or are uncomfortable with anxiety -- then it likely just re-enforces the loop of past dysfunction.

Thanks for posting!

I agree. Just a thought: maybe its all part of the process of therapy though... Maybe this very process helped you realise that you need to identify and be true to your own emotions and that you sucumb to authority figures in a way that discounts you for who you are.

One way or the other - I am glad you are well and overcome this!