[WePow]

Does anyone else ever feel like they are going in circles in their trauma healing work? Like you get progress but then shut down emotionally? It is strange.

[Melbadaze]

whys it strange, would do you think healing should look like?

I do often feel that way.

WePow, I think it was you (or maybe Treehouse) who gave me a great analogy about that once....how your brain/nervous system can get flooded, and it sort of shuts down for a while, and then when it's ready to process more it opens back up?

You put it much more eloquently....But is that what you think is happening?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by WePow

Does anyone else ever feel like they are going in circles in their trauma healing work? Like you get progress but then shut down emotionally?

All the time. I don't like it, but it is what happens!

[seventyeight]

yes, definitely! sometimes i feel like it's 1 step forward and like 17 steps backwards! i like how you put it, it's like a cycle or a circle. i guess a lot of things are that way, it's what keeps the world in balance perhaps.

i've believe if there's an "up" then inevitibly there will be a "down." that's the way the world work i think. i told that to a friend of mine having an "up" phase (everything in her life was going so well at the time) and she was so offended and thought that i was trying to say that eventually things would come crashing down for her. that wasn't what i was saying at all - i was trying to communicate that she had already "paid her dues" with enough down times in her life, and now she was getting to experience the up. that's what i believe for a lot of us on PC that are suffering from depression.. it's like we've had enough of the down phase, and the up should be right around the corner!

anwyay, i suppose i'm off on a tangent, and not really answering your question. i think your body/mind can only handle so much, and let's you experience and work through the trauma as gently as possible. it's like a self-protecting mechanism. so maybe you can think of it as a good thing.. like the slower the better when it comes to that stuff.

also, and i'm not sure if this is true for you at all, but sometimes i wonder (at least as for as myself is concerned) if i really want to heal. it's hard to think of life with out therapy or my therapist, and sometimes i wonder if i sabotage myself in order to keep the work going. i'm not saying that's what's happening for you (and please don't be offended by this), but i just thought i'd mention it. maybe you're where you're at because that's where you need or want to be?

[lily99]

Thanks so much for starting this thread Wepow, and for those who have posted. I really identify with this right now.

I've spent the last 4 days crying over things I thought I'd dealt with and never wanted to deal with ever again.
It really does make me feel as if I've gone backwards

take care

yes,all the time,all the time!!!!!

[WePow]

well i am not sure how to stop the madness but it has got to end

Hang in there W. I know it seems endless, relentless, and just too much to take at times. But you have survived much tougher situations than this. You WILL survive this.

I'm happy to just sit with you a while if that will help.

[Perna]

Maybe it's like a website that has to shut down between 3 and 4 a.m. Pacific Time for maintenance :-) As the Arab proverb says, "All sun makes a desert" so I'd think we'd have to rest somehow between bouts of working? The only way to do that is to "stop"/shut down for awhile?

[googley]

((((((WePow))))))

Lots of hugs for you. You have been working so hard recently with all the trauma work. It is not surprising that something inside is telling you to take a deep breath and relax. That it is time to take a rest. Just like in anything else, we can't be the hare all the time. Sometimes we need to be the tortoise.

[WePow]

((( googley )))) Thank you very much. I think today I let myself down - decided to take a few drinks.... but it was either that or a bad alternative .... and I did reach out and call T but he was in session I guess with someone else... phone rang but he had to let it go to voice mail. That was ok. I came home and drank. Something I don't usually do at all. He did not call back or attempt to check on me at all. I wrote email to him though so that is fine. I think I am too reliant on T anyway so that is fine. He just proved the point that when it comes down to really being in need that he won't or can't be there either. Not his fault - just life happening. I can deal with that. And I can accept that I am too needy and too hurt for him to help anyway. So who can blame him? Ever feel like you are too broken for anyone to fix - ever? That is me.

Oh well... I will just keep on going on for today and whatever happens happens in life. He will probably tell me tommorow he can't help me any more anyway... I would expect that. I wish I had been a different person maybe. But I was not supposed to be born anyway. My dad had to get a reversal in surgery to get me. And my mom was only 18 and he was 36 when they met - and he is a pedophile anyway. So maybe I really was not supposed to ever be born... it is wrong for me to be here. But I am here anyway... Just some odd things on my mind.

[googley]

(((((WePow)))))

Please call T again and tell him you need him to call you back. You two have been working so hard together, and he cares about you so much. He wants to be there to help you. Just because he was in session with another person does not mean that he doesn't care or that he doesn't want to work with you. You have been doing so much wonderful work. I do know what it feels like to be unfixable. But you are not unfixable. You are wonderful. You are so strong. You are meant to be here. Your friendship brings a smile to my face every time I see that you have responded to a post of mine. And I know there are a lot of other people who care about you. T is one of them. He wants to know how hard of a day you had today at work. He wants you to continue to take care of yourself. And part of that is depending on him for help when you need it. Please take care of yourself.

[WePow]

(((((((((((((( Googley ))))))))))))))) Thank you so much for saying this. I will be OK - I always am. Lost - sure. But I won't call him again - it is ok... just life. I can not expect him to be anything more for me. He already gabe me all he has. I get to see him tommorow anyway. Not sure what I will say or whatever. I hate that I did self-harm today and that broke my word to him - something I had never broken. But I had lost everything else up until now anyway. So might as well have that gone too.

Sorry if that makes no sense. But I called him the way he said to... but there was no one there .... as I always knew would happen because that is life... and if I say anything about it in session, I know he will say some excuse ... well it will be truth as he doesn't lie to me that I know about.

I just need to put some things in place inside I suppose. He can't do it for me. And he can not be there for me either. But I get it... it is a job and he can prioritize. And someone like me who has seen him for so many hours must not be a priority anyway. That is fair.

But thank you again for your post. THAT does help me because I know you mean it when you say you care. I am not paying you to care. :-) So thank you.

[fieldofdreams]

((((((WePow)))))) When you are feeling like this it is difficult to remember that your T really does care about you. I think one of the hardest things about therapy is that we sometimes do feel very needy and desperate, and it's a very lonely place to be when we realize our T's aren't available. Try to hang in there... this will pass although I know those words don't mean much right now.

[WePow]

((((( Field )))) thank you
Your words count a whole lot!

[WePow]

Well - like a baby I ended up sending my T too many emails and even drank some and sent one when not sober. URRRR!! I was emotionally throwing up on him in the email. I am so glad he says that sometimes he just skims my emails - which is perfectly fine by me. I sure hope he did that today!!! Now I am very ashamed of what I said and how I said it. I do NOT want to ever look at my T again!!! And I really do not want to see him tommorow because he saw those emails!! My mind-reader faulty thinking is saying that he thinks I am the most needy person he ever had as a client!!
ugggggg

((((((WePow)))))))

[googley]

Originally Posted by WePow

Well - like a baby I ended up sending my T too many emails and even drank some and sent one when not sober. URRRR!! I was emotionally throwing up on him in the email. I am so glad he says that sometimes he just skims my emails - which is perfectly fine by me. I sure hope he did that today!!! Now I am very ashamed of what I said and how I said it. I do NOT want to ever look at my T again!!! And I really do not want to see him tommorow because he saw those emails!! My mind-reader faulty thinking is saying that he thinks I am the most needy person he ever had as a client!!
ugggggg

(((((((WePow))))))

It's okay. It is okay that you sent the emails. It is okay to feel and be needy. Your T will understand. You have gone through so much recently. I know when I did just a tiny part of my trauma work I was so scared to go back. But it was okay. And you will be okay too.

[zooropa]

((((wepow)))))

You have been working so hard, sweetie. Your T has been amazingly helpful and supportive to you, but YOU have been doing the work. One day or night of falling back on old coping skills isn't going to change that or take away all the work you have done.

I know it is so hard when T isn't there when we need them to be. You know I have been through that w/my own T, and it is so painful and lonely and scary. I would just encourage you to look back at some of your old posts where things were going well between you two, and remind yourself of how much he really does care about you. Because, yes, he is getting paid to be your T, but no amount of money can make someone care. I believe your T truly does care about you, and I hope you know that deep down, too.

Mostly I just wish I could somehow make this better for you, easier for you. I am so sorry you are going through this, and so glad you are posting here. You are not alone, and you are not irreparably broken.

[rainbow8]

(((((WePow)))))

I didn't have access to my computer for a couple of days. I'm sorry you've been feeling so bad. Was your session today? I hope T reassured you that you are important to him. Of course you should have been born!!! What would all of us who care about you on PC do without you?

[WePow]

You guys are so wonderful!!! Thank you so much.
I have to see my T today in 7 hours. He never reached out to contact me yesterday in any way so that tells me he thinks I am strong enough to take care of myself now. And he is right. I wish I had not used bad coping yesterday evening but it was the lesser of the only two options I saw at the momment. And I did call him first the way he asked me to do. So it was not my fault he was not able to answer the phone and was busy being a T to others... :-) He can't do anything else to help me anyway. So I got to just use other things like PC for support.

I think the hard part yesterday was finding out my only real friend (best friend of 20 yrs) has her brother dying of lung cancer that can not be treated. He may have a few months left. But that will leave her mom and dad alone and they are elderly. Plus she may be loosing her job anyway. So bottom line looks like my ONLY friend IRL may be forced to move back home which is on the other side of the state!!! UGGGG!!!!

Combine that with the changes in the way work is doing on-call crap (that was NOT what I signed up to do originally)... and my inability to have any real contact with my family who are all in another state (thanks to the abuser still being alive)... and the fact that my S/O is not happy with me for being non-sexual the past two years as I am too closed down due to the emotional part of the trauma.... and my mentor (the older guy who is a retired Ph.D psychologist) has been openly irritated with me - I guess I am not healing fast enough for him either and he wants me to join him on the projects we were working on before I had my breakdown but I can't do it in this condition - so now I feel he has also turned his back on me in some ways... Well, T was the only one I did have that I trusted. Honestly, last night was so bad that it did break my trust in T being able to help me at all. But it doesn't matter I suppose. Just one last thing to worry about falling apart if it is already gone.

So I will work today and enjoy knowing life is temporary even at its best. But knowing that no longer makes me sad.

[rainbow8]

((((((WePow))))))

Did you ever think that maybe T didn't get your message? Sometimes that happens. I'm sorry your friend will probably move away. That's hard. But you can still be in email/phone contact, can't you? Or maybe she won't move. It just seems to me you're jumping to conclusions about a lot of things, and seeing only the negative. I do that too.

I'm sure T will have a very good reason why he didn't call you, and I hope your session enables you to trust him again. I believe that people make mistakes, but it doesn't mean they can't be trusted. Your T cares about you!! I don't know why he didn't answer your emails, but again, he does not seem like the kind of person/T to ignore you. So, there must be a reason. Maybe he went out-of-town, or would you have known that?

Sorry if I'm not being helpful. I guess you will find out at your session. I'll be thinking of you.

[purple_fins]

It does matter WePow-- all of it.

I'm sorry I'm late coming to this.... been wrestling with an horrendous trigger and I wasn't able to be here for a bit sorry I'm late with this.

I hope your T. will help you feel today that it all matters and especially you matter.

hang in there dear one-- we are here with you.

yes, *sigh*-- "cycles" .... blah........

fins

[peaches100]

WePow,

I can feel your disappointment and urge to pull back from your t, to keep from being hurt. I really hope the two of you can things through today and you'll soon feel much better.

Please let us know what happens.