[REEG]

Okay, this may sounds petty but it's really been an issue. I lost my work cell phone and looked all over for it, finally found it at the grocery store. During the time it was lost, I could catch myself piling on the negative self-talk. I was able to stop it relatively quickly, but have been left with this reisidual of overwhelming feelings that are hard to describe- over such a little thing. THis isn't an uncommon pattern, I'm fairly disoragnized, though I think my awareness on the inensity of my response is.

When I lost my phone, My T called to tell me she got my message, then called again when she could not find it, even offered support about this being difficult, and linked this to another event we had talked about in my session a day prior. Things had been really kicking up and I have been seeing her 2x week for the last two weeks- really abmivalent about doing that, part of me wanted to part of me is scared to death to become dependent. Last week, we agreed to go down to 1x a week.

Twice a week is hard too, since I have to take off work during the day, not easy to do that right now.

So now I'm really a mess, and trying to pull it together before my daughter returns in a few hours. Not sure if I'm creating this issue so I can see T more often, if I should take this more seriously or less seriously.. Seems like a whole lot of emotional turmoil over nothing.

urg thanks for listening.

[Perna]

I think it's good you suddenly notice this "small" issue. I think that means your seeing your T twice a week is good for you :-) Not the other way around, where you create problems to see the T more but where you are now supported enough to see deeper into stuff.

It is interesting you lost your cell phone and also that you lost it in the grocery store? Were you using it or did it just fall, get mislaid from your clothing/personal possessions while you were looking for something else? If you had just finished using it, I would go over that conversation to see why that might have been a good move on your part, why you might not have wanted to communicate/be in touch with that person anymore :-) Use the cell phone like a dream symbol and see what you come up with and then add other recently lost/disorganized items; maybe it just represents all your losing/disorganization and noticing now, just means you might be ready to work on that issue?

Maybe you lost it in the grocery store as an indication that you are struggling between "food"/making a living and paying for additional therapy, that you don't deserve the extra sessions, maybe you feel you are taking away from others/your daughter by going twice a week?

[REEG]

Perna- Hm, this is interesting you say this, it is also what my T says! I've really been fighting any connection, trying to power through with my usual self- reliance/ shutdown. Yes I know that wehen I can connect with others- friend and T- and here at PC, it's healing. Sometimes it's easier to belive observations when they come from a more impartial observer, with nothing to benefit.

As for the phone, my clip broke off, so it could have been in any one of 8 places- it was really hard to call up/ go to all those places and admit that I 'screwed up' that's really how it felt at the time- now that I have more distance, I can have a bit of compassion, certianly I'm not the first person to lose a cell phone!

Interesting idea to use the loss of the phone as I would a dream- and your last interpetation hit pretty close to home. I really have been struggling with what I give to others/ myself and how to make that balance a bit more equal.

Thanks for your observations, perhaps I will stick with the twice a week format just a little longer- T did say that she had openings early in the week if I wanted to make one. Now it's just getting over the feeling as if she 'won'

[Perna]

Oh, don't worry about T winning; they're the ones who are "stuck" since we have to come to them and they only have so many hours at certain times, and have to sit in that same room, etc. :-)

They have been doing therapy for a job for X years and people are people, it's just the individual who changes, not the sorts of problems they have or how Ts have learned to approach them. How T does things is how it works for T and if we want T to help us, we have to do things the way they know. Might be a different way than we think we'd like to do things but they've done it that way before and know it works where our way of doing things doesn't seem to? :-)

[sugahorse1]

I agree that the T seems to have made you more aware of things that are really just "small" but at the time seem a nightmare. For me it would also appear to be a huge issue initially, as I'd be worried about my personal information, my phone numbers, having to buy a new phone, having to take time off work to sort out admin around the phone...
I think you will grow an awful lot by being able to cut T down to 1x a week. Remember, it will onyl ever be a maximum of 6 days until you see T again, and this time could be extremely useful for you to work through any incidents, maybe on your own or with PC's help.
I wish you all the luck!

[REEG]

Perna- I LOVE that image of T's being the ones who are stuck! Boy does that move me out of the power struggle! This T is much better at de-escalating than my last one, used to spend a LOT of time in verbal jousts with her. Very unproductive! It's good to remember that I am going to her FOR advice, and I defeat the purpose by fighting.

[REEG]

Sugar horse, this could be, but right now I thik it's really more about trusting T and maybe going a little deepr- not forever, I don't want to make a hibit of this, but tendency is to close down and not rely on others, so I think my defualt will prevent that from happening!