session backlash

Are you ok?
It is good your T called - but what happened? Why didn't it help?
Did she same something wrong?

Don't give up, please, Zooropa. It won't always be this bad.

(((((((( Zoo )))))))))) wow!! Man - that is so rough. So much hitting you at once.
You said something that struck me: "she said no, it does matter, and we will talk about it, but the most important piece is you being able to feel the emotions and not running away from it. "

Thank you for sharing that. My T said something like this to me the last session but I didn't understand it at all. He said I keep giving him facts but not feeling it in session. But I do feel it when I get home! Wow. You sharing this just helped me to see what he was talking about. Thank you.

((( zoo )))

Hope you're ok.

((((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))))

Did you talk with T or leave a message??

What is going on?

Be gentle with you. Vent here. There are people here who have been right where you are, and who have made it to the other side. Let us help shine a light so you know you're on the right path.

I'm here, and I'm ok. Thank you so much for your replies, it felt good to come here this morning and read them. I was such a mess last night, with so much going on inside, but I did get some sleep and I woke up feeling quieter inside. I'm really sad and depressed and probably a little angry, but there's not so much noise in my head.

When I said "I'm done" I think I meant I'm done with my T. I did talk to her when I called last night at 9ish and it didn't go well. She was probably tired, she was obviously eating and watching TV while we talked, and she was short and abrupt with me. I have seen this harsh side of her before and it's not what I needed last night, not by a long shot.

At the same time, I do realize I am creating a rupture with T where none exists. Yes, she messed up by not returning my call, and a simple apology for that would have helped. But that doesn't mean she doesn't care about me or that I have to quit working with her.

It is so weird, because I keep trying to remind myself of the calming, soothing things she said yesterday morning when we talked, but it seems like I feel that has changed. That because she didn't repeat those things, they must not be true any more. And yet intellectually I know that's not the case. I'm just a mix of emotions and thoughts about this.

She did tell me last night to call her this morning, but I felt at the time that it was more of a way to get me off the phone and to put me off than her actually wanting me to call this morning. Does that make sense? so I don't know if I'm going to call her. I don't know what I would say. I'm alive, I made it through the night, no thanks to you?? I don't know.

I'm kind of a mess and I'm supposed to go to court today and I can't do it. I can't get dressed and go out and be functioning when I feel like I'm coming apart inside. And the guilt over that just tears me apart that little bit more.

I'm replying to my own post. Great.
It occurred to me that I feel like my T is rejecting me because of trauma-related stuff I told her on Tuesday. That is a huge fear of mine, and it seems like it's happening. I FEEL like it's happening. And I don't know what to do with it.

hi zoo, just wanted to encourage you to call her back. even if she was just saying that to get you off the phone (which i doubt) she did want to hear from you this morning. i think it's good to maintain that connection and keep the lines of communication open. also, it's good to be able to stand up and say, "i did what you asked and i still don't feel better, see?" and that way she can't come back and say, "well, if you had called like i asked.."

i don't know if that makes sense, just thought i'd mention it. and who knows, maybe she can call you back and you can talk and it will make you feel better.

Please call T and share all of this with her....Her response may ease your concerns....

I did call my T, and she didn't answer. So I texted her and I told her that I feel like she's rejecting me because of what I told her on Tues. She called me back and said "I'm not rejecting you, I just didn't have my phone". I think she didn't understand what I was saying. I feel like I need to call her back and tell her, it's not just her not answering my call this morning, it's the whole talk of termination yesterday and then not returning my call yesterday, all of that that's making me feel rejected.

So now I need more direction. Do I call her back and tell her, no, you didn't hear what I said, this is what I meant? Or do I just try to let it go? I feel like I'm at risk of reaching some undefined boundary about calling too much, although she did say "call me back later if you want to" at the end of our conversation this morning.

I cannot put into words how much I hate this. I hate it. It's this abandonment crap coming up and taking over my heart and mind and I HATE it.

I think she answered you yesterday when she told you she would stick with you. You kind of seem in a panic mode and like you need t to say some exact words to you to alleviate your insecurities. You can call her back, but she'll tell you what I really suspect you already know: She's not rejecting you for any reason whatsoever. You have manufactured this in your head and you can stop those thoughts if you choose to. Why not try writing down again what she said to you yesterday that made you feel so good. Read that over and over again. Do you really think her feelings have changed that quickly?

Hi Zoo,

ouch, you are in some very familiar territory for me.

If it were me yes I would call again, and I would start with the very words, well you did say 'call me back later if you want to', so I am.

She didn't say, if you need to, or if you have an emergency, but if you WANT TO, so if you want to, do it!

Whether you call again or don't, the next time you meet i know the two of you will spend some good time on this - and it's important that you do so.

My T and I have been around and around about callbacks & abandonment issues at least five times... horridly painful... and the last time it came up, i threw caution to the winds and told T that I'd come to the conclusion that she will never change it - could easily do so, but will not, for her own purposes. She said, but that's manipulation, I don't do that. I told her, I hear you saying you don't but I think you only say that due to denial on yourr part. (yikes )

Today T makes an effort to call me back. I need to be sure to tell her how much I appreciate it. I really do. Now YOU will probably handle it better, Zoo. You go girl!!
SAWE
PS if my T ever does read this forum, she sure knows who I am now....

I AM kind of in a panic mode, and I AM manufacturing this in my head. You're right. I just don't know how to stop feeling this way. This actually reminds me of what I went through after our last big rupture and I kept calling her and calling her, trying to get her to say what I needed her to say. Until I finally just TOLD her exactly what I needed her to say.

And you're right, she has already said it. I just need to hear it again. I don't know why. I'm trying to tell myself if it was true 24hrs ago, it's true now. But it doesn't FEEL true. And that disconnect between my head and my heart seems so hard to bridge right now.

Feelings just are....and sometimes they don't jive with the intellectual understandings....which really stinks, sometimes....

I would call T back and tell her that you need her reassurance again. It's what you need right now, and you can delve more into it at your next session....((( HUGS )))

hey zoo, I know what you're going through because I am going through something similar with my T. I have been calling my T a lot lately due to being triggered by her not returning a phone call (among other things). I don't usually call her much but I really need to know that she is there, that i am able to get ahold of her when i need her, and that she continues to care about me even when i am slipping a bit. I always feel better about our relationship when things are going well in my life and i am doing well because T responds better to me when i am doing well it seems. So when i am really struggling, it gets hard because i am so afraid of burning her out, rejection, or even termination. I know it's DBT, and we are supposed to be able to call T anytime, but still they are human and make mistakes or forget to call, or get really busy with life. Still, it seems the neediness grows and grows until the right words are said to calm us.

If I were you, I would try to let it go rather than call her again. Can you remember the words she said that helped you so much yesterday and write them down where you can see them? When i was in a similar kind of panic last week, one of the times i talked with her she said "i'm not going anywhere", and i wrote those words down on paper and stuck it to my computer screen so i could just keep seeing that and reassure myself when the doubts crept in. Your T is not terminating, she even said that your insurance co will cover for as long as medically necessary. my T has been doing the mediaclly necessary thing with my is co for 7 years! So try to put the "months" thing out of your head. She is not setting a termination date. As long as you work hard, she will be with you through it i'm sure.

thank you so much, SAWE
It's good to know I'm not the only one who has struggled with this issue. You were so brave to say that to your T! I'm so glad it worked out for you and that she makes more of an effort to return your calls.

I know my T has been making more of an effort, too, because she did really good about returning calls and being available since our last rupture. Until yesterday. And I keep trying to tell myself that the timing is just coincidental and it doesn't have anything to do with the disclosures I made on Tuesday, but it FEELS like it's related.

I'm kind of scared about calling her back because I've been hearing some Boot-Camp-T in her voice the last couple of times we talked, but again, that's probably in my head. But Boot Camp T is NOT what I need right now. I'm going to call her and kind of hope she doesn't answer so I can leave her a message. I think I will feel much better once I know I've explained my feelings of rejection as well as I can.

I can't imagine where I would be or how I would work through this stuff if I didn't have this place to come and process it.

Can you try creative visualization and picture T sitting with you. Then ask her what you need to hear and see if you can visualize her true response. I have been trying to do that and it is AMAZING how that works!! Even can result in nice three hour dream sessions with my T!! I will tell T "Yeah! I talked with you for HOURS last night!" And he just smiles. He said that is one of the goals of therapy - to allow a person to develop that internal therapist to counteract the internal critic.

thanks wepow, I'm going to try that. It sounds like it has really worked for you with amazing results.

(((((( Zoo ))))))) Hope you are feeling better today.