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rainbow8 · Jul 17, 2010, 10:48 PM

WePow,

I'm glad your T answered your email this time.

It hurts me very much that he didn't answer your other one. I can feel your pain and I wish you could be able to tell T instead of closing that door. You are not so messed up, and even if you were, that's what T is for. I know you need that consistency in knowing that someone will be there for you. It does happen. My T answers every one of my emails because we have that agreement now. Many Ts are better about answering phone calls than emails. I hope you can regain your trust in your T. I'm also sorry about the situation with your half sister and your family and the wedding invitation. Sending you lots of

WePow · Jul 17, 2010, 10:51 PM

Thank you sooooo much

Jul 17, 2010, 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WePow

This keeps sticking at me... I keep thinking about it. And that is why I will not tell him about it... there is something very deep there. Something about telling someone when they hurt me and then that is like giving them weapons to use against me again. That if they know that something they did or how I interpreted an action "got" to me, that they will use it in the future to harm me intentionally. I am not sure when I learned that lesson or how. But I know that lesson is very deep. The more something hurts me, the more I will hide it from that person. I remember when I was a teen being in agony around "friends" and laughing it up and pretending I was having the time of my life. I remember doing all I could do to make darn sure they NEVER found out about my pain. Interesting.

I don't know why but this was like a kick in the gut to me. It is SOOO true. Strength is never showing weakness or needs or wants. But it ends up hurting us in the end. We end up isolated and hurt and feeling desperate.
I remember falling down and cutting my knee in kindergarten. I did everything I knew how to hide the injury from the teacher. (For no good reason) I do know the feeling of embarrassment was the worst feeling ever...worse than all the pain in the world. It IS a very deep, maybe preverbal thing...but it's so strong, almost ingrained in me from birth.
(((wepow))) I know...I understand and I'll sit with you.

Jul 17, 2010, 11:08 PM

Wepow
It isn't that "you are messed up" ...YOU were harmed and some of the effects still haunt you. It is nothing you did wrong to feel like this.

genn · Jul 18, 2010, 12:05 AM

((((((WEPow)))) I know how hard all this can be .
Receive a lot ofr love and peace from
genn

:hug:

Quote:

Originally Posted by WePow

Well, I asked for what i need right now butnoresponse and isuppose I. Need to ground or something but I am just worn out... I think writing you guys might help but most of me right now is just. ... Idk. I wish I had not ever trusted t to be there when I actually do need him. The cycle of bumping up against him not being able to help when needed most like right now just keeps solidifying the unirse to me. Sorry this is a downer... I had no one else to turn to.

elliemay · Jul 18, 2010, 06:27 AM

I'm glad you t emailed you back and was there for you tonight. I'm glad you took that chance and reached further into the relationship instead of stepping completely out of it.

I think it is at those times that we feel the most scared and vulnerable that we have to reach out and plow through it.

Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. But, whether they know it or not, we are giving people the gift of ourselves - which should be shared.

After all, we can only know for sure what was given, we can never know what was received.

Sannah · Jul 18, 2010, 08:08 AM

Sannah · Jul 18, 2010, 09:02 AM

WePow, I just needed to come back to acknowledge to you what I have seen that you have done. You brought up the relevent parts of your past which have contributed to this issue that you are having right now. Very Good Work! Making these connections is so important I think because these past occurrences are what drives our current issues. By diffusing the past occurrences we help ourselves to not have the current issues. By fully understanding our current issues we work through everything so that we are aware and we won't let the issues come back again because we learned about our automatic responses and replace them with healthy functioning.

WePow · Jul 18, 2010, 09:36 AM

Thank you all again. There is no way I could have made it without each and every one of you!!!! That was a painful lesson, but like you guys said, it really made my connection with T much stronger. I feel now a strange deep peace that is not just on the surface. It is like even if I need T again and he can't/doesn't reply, that I will not panic as much next time. I suppose it really is baby steps in all this!

I wanted to share a portion of what my T said because it helped me so much and I will keep it in my heart:

"As for your last e-mail. I went back and read it again. It does not sound "needy" to me at all. I simply sounds like someone who has a very solid plan to stay healthy long term. Most of my friends who are recovering from sexual abuse and/or addictions always have a therapist in place, whether or not they see that therapist monthly, quarterly or yearly. It just makes good sense... so, lets process it a little further. "

I am SO thankful you guys gave me the courage I didn't have for myself - so I could reach out and connect with my T when I NEEDED him the most yesterday.

WePow · Jul 19, 2010, 08:08 PM

Well, I needed my T again today and he was right there for me. I really wish I didn't have issues - lol. But wow, I was in a very bad place for a few hours and there he was. Thank you all again for encouraging me to reach out to T. If I had not done that, today would have been.... beyond the bad of bad.

sittingatwatersedge · Jul 20, 2010, 11:29 AM

(((((((((((((((((((((((( we pow ))))))))))))))))))))))

zooropa · Jul 20, 2010, 01:02 PM

I'm so glad you reached out to T when you were in a bad place, and super glad he was there for you. You deserve that, wepow.

WePow · Jul 21, 2010, 06:10 AM

Well - I go to see T today! Boy howdy do we are a ton of ground to cover in session. I got very depressed yesterday but at least had the day off work for some car stuff I had to get done. I really wanted to slip in and see T but he didn't have any openings. He stays busy (I am glad since that makes me feel more secure that he will not leave). But he wrote me a nice email saying he looked forward to talking with me today. I swamped him with emails about some trauma stuff that was a flashback two nights ago... YUCK!! URRRRR!! Some very DEEP root stuff there.

Anyway, I am anxious in a good way to see T and see how we process through ALL that has happened in the past 7 days!

granite1 · Jul 21, 2010, 07:13 AM

weepow i'm so glad you get to see you T today you have been on my mind with such a hard time you have been having.

great job holding it together .i know T will be able to help.

rainbow8 · Jul 21, 2010, 07:52 AM

Good luck with your session today, WePow!! Mine is today too. I hope we both have productive ones.

sittingatwatersedge · Jul 21, 2010, 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Good luck with your session today, WePow!! Mine is today too. I hope we both have productive ones.

Mine too. Let's go together! or better yet let's swap T's for a day

-
I know mine would vastly prefer to have either of you than me!

WePow · Jul 21, 2010, 07:39 PM

Session was ok. I had to deal with the flashback junk - so felt that took up too much time but I had to go through it. I hate it when I cry with T !!! URRRR! But we did talk about trust and how BIG it is for me to feel that for him... that sense of honestly feeling safe with him. Still a bit leary but T said I can ask him trust questions anytime at all. I was asking "Are you SURE you WANT me to trust you?"

So anyway, I got to recover now from session. But it is all good.

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