Enough

Well, I asked for what i need right now butnoresponse and isuppose I. Need to ground or something but I am just worn out... I think writing you guys might help but most of me right now is just. ... Idk. I wish I had not ever trusted t to be there when I actually do need him. The cycle of bumping up against him not being able to help when needed most like right now just keeps solidifying the unirse to me. Sorry this is a downer... I had no one else to turn to.

don't ever apologize for coming here WePow!!!!!!! We're here for you! The PC folk span the globe, someone is here most any time.

If you have no words for what you're carrying right now, can you maybe fold it up and put it into a corner somewhere, and go out into the sunshine for a few quiet minutes? feel the breeze, listen to whatever sounds are near you? IDK, walk to the mailbox and back, or around yr house or down the block and back?.

BTW if you have a dog or cat outside, say hello. They don't talk much, but they hug great, and they're good listeners.

I am at work at lunch outs.. Overcast and dull... Ty much for the hugs

>>> Overcast and dull...

the sun shines through the clouds., WePow

think of a plane flying through them - if the pilot goes high enough, he will see the sunshine.

here, I got a bunch of them, you're welcome to share

Thank you ... I just keep hearing over and over "tust me" from my T and when I do... wham... over and over...

oh (((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))

I hate when I need T and he's not there. It FEELS like he's being mean and ignoring me, but the reality is that he has been with another client, hasn't checked his messages, is out of town for the weekend, etc. etc. etc. etc. Even though my logical, grown-up mind knows that's probably what's going on when he doesn't respond right away, it SO triggers my ginormous trust issues.

What helps you get grounded? The best thing I can do for myself (although it's hard to make myself do it when I'm triggered) is to walk outside for a minute. Getting out of the four walls I'm in helps me remember that the world is so much bigger than whatever it was that triggered me.

If I'm having a really hard time staying present, I try to name 5 things that I can see, hear, smell, touch. I run cool water over my hands. I turn on the TV or radio (I know you're at work, so that one might be tricky).

What happened? Do you want to share it here while you're waiting for T?

((((((WePow)))))

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and can't get a hold of T. I usually try deep breathing exercises when I need to ground and I can't get away from where I am. I hope T gets back to you soon.

(((((((WePow)))))))
I'm sorry you can't get a hold of your T right now. Please hang in there until you can, do things that can ground you, things that you enjoy. Sending you many hugs and positive thoughts.

((weepow))

wepow. So much love for you. Please don't ever apologize for posting.

Thank you all so much. My T came through - he emailed me. Ugggggg. Today was just so so hard. I just sent him another email just to vent some more and then I went in my bedroom and bawled for a bit. Ugg. I just got into a downward spiral and I was lost. Thank you all for being here for me. It is so much appriciated!!! I still am crying a bit but I will be OK . I just hate having triggers hit like that. ugggg!

Oh Wepow! Please don't apologize for asking for what you NEED. I certainly have days like yours and I hope yours gets better!

Therapy can be frustrating,disappointing, scary, and painful...It can also be rewarding, enlightening, comforting, and healing! I hope you have the opportunity to share with your therapist how you felt today when he/or she never responded. I hope you find comfort in the response.

Only 23 hours until I see my T. I am so anxious! I only wrote my T once today... and he did write back - from his iphone even :-) I kept looking at that email at work and it was like water to a man lost in the desert. I didn't just WANT my T yesterday - I NEEDED him. And he did come through. Isn't that strange when sometimes in the therapy healing you really do NEED your T to be there for you? I can't explain how I felt or knew the difference, but it was as real as night and day!

It still bothers me a little that I can have days when I NEED my T. I want to be all well and not need him that way when I get lost inside. You know, it reminds me of the terror of learning how to ride a bike!! You can feel when the hands are not there to hold you up and it feels very freeing - but it makes your heart race!!! And I get so afraid that when I do NEED my T that he will not be there and I will crash. But he was there yesterday and now I have to process through it all with him. I want it to be T time right now!!! :-)

Well, I go in a few hours. For some reason, I am very nerveous. Urrrr. I suppose I have too much I need to go over. uggggggg

Here are some deep breaths to help you bring some calm into your body and mind:
(whoooosh, whoooosh, whoooosh..)

and a little snack to give you energy:

(((((((((( blackcanary )))))))))) (((( all ))))

Thank you all tons for being there when I NEEDED you guys there. Session today was WONDERFUL !!!! I was able to honestly process a LOT with T. Of course I could talk with him for hours and hours (oh wait - I have) But I could have gone on and on.

I finally GOT IT that I was ALLOWED to have NEEDS!! I NEED my T. It is not just a want that I should feel guilty about in any way. I NEED to have T in my life. It is risky... I know that... to allow myself to need someone. But the truth is I did need others before but they let me down so I thought that was my fault and I thought that my pain was my fault becuase I was not "strong enough" to not "want" their help or support.

Boy howdy what a different way of looking at the world!!!

Very good work WePow!! Dysfunctional families do teach us all of these dysfunctional beliefs. Getting better involves discovering all of these beliefs and working through them to obtain a healthy and functional belief. Good Work!!

(((((WePow)))))

I'm sorry I didn't respond in this thread when you needed help. I so much identify with NEEDING T. It's a physical need for me, and through the years I've felt guilty about it.

I'm SO happy for you that you had a wonderful session and you get it that you're allowed to have needs! That's such a breakthrough for you!! Can you tell I'm happy for you!

((((((( rainbow ))))))) thank you. I think I made a serious mistake though... :-(
I emailed my T and said this...

"T.... Thank you so much for your time today and the session. A very big part of my fear of you not being there for me also comes from thinking "He is going to tell me he thinks someone else would be better or that I am too much trouble for him." :-(

I know we can't tell what the future will bring, but I am ready now to allow myself to really honor our relationship. That is beyond frightening to type! But that means I will not walk away from you... that I will trust you and allow my heart to be free to be totally honest about everything (which THAT is frightening because I still have ALOT of inner stuff that I need to share with you and process through - not trauma stuff but the fallout stuff - urrrrrrrr. It also means I can trust in YOUR process with me... that I will not be always ready to think the worst of simple things just because I am always looking for an emotional out.

Trying to articulate my NEED on this... I NEED to know from you that you will not give up on me. Even if you have to find me more help for whatever if something comes up in the future or whatever... but I NEED to know you will not dump me. That you will keep on trying hard to be there for me when you can and in your T way that is right to do. I need to know that given normal circumstance and not counting odd life stuff that may happen like if you decided to move to Hawaii - I need you to let me know you will be my "life T" like what you have with your T.

Man, I am afraid of even sending this to you! It is the terror - pure terror - of knowing I am sending this email to you as a need and not just a want. "

~~~~

Anyway, I sent this to him last night but of course no reply... normal for him really... But somehow the act of him NOT sending me back just a single word on this... IDK... It is like I don't want to read anything into the silence but my heart took it and said "There it is. You gave everything you had in a big bag but he is not REALLY there at all."

I honestly don't know what to think about it. Kinda just don't care anymore anyway. It is odd because it is like I am so happy that he said what he did yesterday but then ... And I just am kinda like feeling I just don't care anymore. That song keeps going over and over in my mind "alone again - naturally"

it's possible he just didn't get it yet, wepow. Keep breathing.

That is a beautiful and honest email, WePow. Thank you for sharing it. I know I would feel hurt if my T didn't respond to an email like that, but I've forgotten if you have an agreement with your T to answer your emails if you don't specifically ask him to. I know he doesn't answer you right away, but does he kNOW you want an answer, or do you need to say "T, I NEED an answer to this email.?"

I know I may think T should KNOW I want an answer, but I also know it's best if I tell her that in each email just to be sure, otherwise she may not answer.

I totally understand your feelings here, but it's not that T is silent, it's just that he hasn't answered you YET, for reasons that you don't know, but most likely have nothing at all to do with his caring about you. It's like you set yourself up to be hurt by him, giving him a test to see if he REALLY meant what he said. But it's not an accurate test, in my opinion. Since he didn't respond right away, he failed the test and therefore you made a serious mistake. I get that your heart goes that way, but it's not true. You're not "alone again". Can you see that T is with you even if he didn't answer your email yet?

I don't know if I'm being clear or not because I suffer from the same feelings. If T says she cares, why can't she answer me NOW? Right now? Drop everything in her life and pay attention to ME!!!! That's what I would want and need, but it's not going to happen because, although I'm important to her, her life doesn't revolve around me.

I was looking for anything in the message that indicated "now" (as I need you to "RSVP now" :-) that might have gotten you a response sooner?

I think everything we learn in T then has to face the test of time. We have a breakthrough but as my T pointed out to me, that's not all there is, you don't stop and live happily ever after, new tasks come up where you have to practice what you've learned and put it to good use.

Perna... thank you. I know you are right. He did nothing wrong. He is just doing his T thing. I am too needy. I am so angry with myself at this whole non-sense!! I will never ever again send him an email - I don't care what happens or how I feel. I will save it for session time.

It doesn't matter anymore anyway. Story of my stupid life. Too needy. I just need to learn from this pain and stop being so stupid with stuff. NO ONE will ever be able to be there for me in that way. It is ok now. I knew it from when I was a kid and it just hasn't changed. I just was dumb ... so so stupid... I let myself believe again and I know better than to do that. I know better. Never ever again as long as I live will I ever again ever allow myself to hope in that way... that was my bad... i was hoping for something I knew the universe would never allow anyway. Who am I to think I deserve that type of relationship with anyone.

It is ok. I am mad... but just at myself now. I just can't believe I was so foolish.

WePow, I'm sorry you feel so miserable and defeated. I don't think your T intends you to feel that way. I hope you will be able to discuss the email situation with him before you say "Never."