[rainbow8]

I've forgotten whether it's all right to write the "s" word, so I didn't, and put the trigger on this also. I remember bringing this up once before but that was with my other T. History repeats itself, of course. In my email, I mentioned that my "too good" feelings get mixed up with you know, those physical kinds of feelings. I've told her that already, but this time she wrote that she thinks it's important and wants to talk about that first thing in my session.

HELP!! I already know she doesn't think I'm weird, but I think I am. Will anyone else admit to feeling s_____ feelings when they feel connected to their T? It's not about her. This does NOT belong in the "romantic feelings for my T subforum." It's just that my wires are crossed somehow.

How in the world am I going to talk about this more than I aready have? I don't know what she wants to know, so I'm anxious. I know I don't have to talk, but I really want to know what's "wrong" with me. This is SO embarrassing even though I have the nicest T in the world!

[WePow]

Rainbow, I think it takes a great amount of trust in T to be able to honestly share those thoughts and emotions. It is very difficult to open up to another person and still have that one part of who we are shut down. It is really not natural. But it is what allows therapy to happen. Your wires are working the way nature designed them to work! :-)

Be honest with yourself and T about ALL the emotions. Your T is not going to jump the rail and abuse you. Your T will work with you respectfully through all these emotions. I sense if you keep that honesty going, that your relationship with T will continue to become VERY strong.

[(JD)]

There's a natural inclination to care deeply for your therapist, whether male or female etc. Here is a person who listens, cares about you, doesn't judge your thoughts -- or you-- and is there to help you through any issue you need him/her for; what's not to like? The T is a safe person ... someone you want to be "with" more than you are already ...

It's a good thing to discuss openly all those feelings with the T. Any T that can't discuss them, or won't, isn't in a good personal place, imnshpo.

What you will probably arrive at is this: your T does care about you very much, and you reciprocate those feelings. But the kicker is this: a relationship with a T is unlike any other relationship on the earth. We have no "category" in which to place this relationship. We don't have a good word for it either, for the T is not a friend, not a lover, not a mate, not a parent, not a sibling, not a son nor daughter, not an authority figure.... After the discussion, you and your T should both feel good about it. You might come up with a word to define the relationship, or your T might have one he/she uses.

It is unlike any relationship, but as long as it remains safe, caring, and supportive, it's all good.

Your T will not be able to allow you to act out on any romantic feelings, and you might feel rejected if you try and don't discuss it. Likewise, your T must not allow personal feelings to intrude upon the therapy process. It's up to your T to keep safe parameters for the patient, regardless of your desires.

After the discussion you won't immediately calm your emotions about the T, I'm guessing. But if you keep the discussion in mind and do good self talk, the hurt of not being able to be in a close loving relationship with physical intimacy etc, will abate.

If you didn't trust your T so much, you might not be able to progress farther in therapy. This is a good point in your process, imo.

[jexa]

rainbow, I am proud of you that you're willing to do this and talk about it -- you are brave. It's totally understandable that you feel anxious about this.

I don't think anything is "wrong" with you that therapy causes you to have sexual feelings. I think when you and T explore this, she'll tell you the same thing. Maybe you can still explore the reasons behind it.

If I were you, I wouldn't prepare too much for this session. Instead, I would try to do fun things and not dwell on what we might talk about, if at all possible. Allowing this session to happen naturally -- and for you to speak ONLY if you're ready -- sounds like the best way to be totally authentic with her when you do see her. Preparing too much might cause you to "rehearse" your responses, and you don't want to do that..

(((rainbow)))

HELP!! I already know she doesn't think I'm weird, but I think I am. Will anyone else admit to feeling s_____ feelings when they feel connected to their T?

Yes.

It's not about her. This does NOT belong in the "romantic feelings for my T subforum." It's just that my wires are crossed somehow.

Rainbow, I am so glad your T wants to talk about it and help you understand. Once I tried to discuss with my T, I said something like.... I know this is not about you, please help me to understand what this says about me. He chose not to discuss which led to even more feelings of embarrassment and shame by me. The good news is I always respected my own boundaries and his. It is through this an open and candid discussion with your T,you may find some of your answers.

For me, I don't think it was a form of manipulation or control, the whole love/hate flip flop. History played a large part....I thought..." I am falling in with this man..." There are many ways to show someone you love them, it doesn't always have to be sexualized.

[zooropa]

well, first of all, I was thinking of another "s" word and trying to figure out how you have those physical feelings about your T. It was much more clear to me when I figured out which "s" word you meant, lol!

Secondly, I think you are so brave to be so open w/your T about this. And so open here, about it. I cannot imagine ever having that conversation w/my T.

[cmac13]

I have had those same feelings. I have talked with my therapist often about it because I feel so mixed up. She is open about talking about it any time I need to and never makes me feel ashamed. It helps a great deal that she is very open minded and accepting of my feelings. I was afraid that if i told her she would never hug me again. Of course I was wrong.

[sugahorse1]

I really feel for you - it's not an easy topic and you are brave. I cannot comment as my relatiosnhip with T is still young. I'd love to be able to voice these emotions. I feel it would be imperative to get them out there, as they could otherwise get in the way of therapy.
Thinking of you

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by zooropa

well, first of all, I was thinking of another "s" word and trying to figure out how you have those physical feelings about your T. It was much more clear to me when I figured out which "s" word you meant, lol!

LOL.... if Rainbow meant that, she'd get moved to the "Poopy Feelings About My T" forum...

Rainbow all kidding aside, if I had experienced what you did, and my T had said what yours did, I would have been feeling confused and scared - however you've been given a lot of good comments here (thanks JD!) and so, if it ever happens to me, I think I will be less unhinged. You are very courageous Rainbow. Hope your session goes well.

[mobius]

I think I've experienced something similar, rainbow, though not recently. In the past, when I felt cared about by my therapist, I would feel physically aroused. It literally did feel as if my wires were crossed. It didn't make any sense to me at the time, and I definitely felt weird. I never got the chance to talk about it, though, because I was too confused and fearful of being shamed for it (and I'm not working with that therapist anymore). I'm still not quite sure what to make of it.

I hope you do get a chance to talk what you're experiencing through with your therapist. Given what you've said about her, my guess is that she would receive whatever you have to say with grace. Hope it goes well.

[granite1]

rainbow i think it is so awsome that you can be so open with your T

[rainbow8]

I want to thank everyone for your replies. You all give me courage to believe I'm not so "weird" and that I shouldn't be ashamed.

WePow, I'm trying to see it this way.

Your wires are working the way nature designed them to work! :-)

It's just that it's for the wrong person. It's a physical form of transference. Thank you.

JD, thank you for your considerate reply. You explained everything in a very helpful way. I just want to clarify that I don't have any romantic desire for my T. It's more the infantile, childish feelings and the physical part just "happens". I trust my T 100% to talk about it without judging me.

I wonder if anyone has ever come up with a single word to describe the therapeutic relationship, since it is none of those you mentioned, but in some sense, can be "all" of them.

jexa, that is good advice. I wish I could take it, though. I can't stop the rehearsing.

lost, thank you. I'm sorry your T wouldn't talk to you about your feelings for him. The thing is that I know love does not have to be sexualized, and it is only in therapy that it goes it that direction. It's like the connection feels so intense for me, that maybe it's just inevitable for it to be sexualized.

zoo, thank you. Sorry I didn't just write out the word, LOL. My T is so easy to talk to even when I'm scared, and this issue is one I really, really want to work through since it has happened with my other Ts too.

cmac, thank you for sharing your experience with me. My T hasn't hugged me (I'm not sure I want her to) but I'm sure she feels the same way as yours. I'm glad you have such a good T!

sugahorse, thank you.

SAWE, thank you for the hugs and good wishes. I wasn't sure if I should post this thread, but I'm glad if it will help others, too.

mobius, thanks so much for sharing. Yes, thinking my "wires are crossed" is a good description of it. I'm not sure if I made that up or how it came to me. I'll tell that to my T. Yes, my T is wonderful and I know it's going to be an okay conversation. I'm just scared about it anyway because of the subject.

[rainbow8]

granite, I want to give you some hope that if I can be so open with my T, you can too! Honestly, I went to therapy for the first time thinking it was going to be like an advice column. I'd ask a question and she'd answer. End of therapy. Except I sat there not saying anything, waiting for T to talk. It was like pulling teeth for me. I'd sit in silence for many sessions, like you. At least when it came to important stuff. I know I talked about my day and easy things like that.

It took a few years to open up, and then it was still so difficult. During my growing up years, and young adulthood, I never, ever imagined that I would talk to a T. Never!!!!! But with each new T, it became easier. Everything I couldn't talk to with anyone else, demanded to be said. I couldn't tell my mother things, and now I wanted to tell my Ts EVERYTHING. From one extreme to another. I now have the urge to tell all though I really don't know why. It feels like such a relief to be honest and open with my T. The words still come out slowly, and mixed up. I'm so much clearer in my emails to T, but the words do come out. This is from someone who was so shy as a child! I'm making up for then.

It's almost like I don't feel I can take the credit for being so open because I feel a compulsion to be that way now. I don't know if that makes sense.

Don't give up, granite.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't know what she wants to know, so I'm anxious.

I would stay with myself, what bothers me about my thoughts, feelings, behaviors and not worry about T at all. I had sexual dreams about my T (also female) and they were hard to tell but very interesting/enlightening. You are not your unconscious or thoughts/dreams! Pretend there are three of you in the room, the one telling the story and you and your T listening and sharing thoughts and ideas about the story.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I wonder if anyone has ever come up with a single word to describe the therapeutic relationship, since it is none of those you mentioned,

um.... do the word "sucks" ring a bell?

don;t mind me, it's just my current situation......

[chaotic13]

rainbow8 when you say s (assuming-sexual) feelings when you feel connected to your T. Do you mean feelings as in intense love, compassion, joy,passion, etc? Or do you mean...sensations such as the kind associated with arousal? I've found during my excavation process that I had totally turn off my body's sensations partly because ...I guess my childhood abuse left my body a bit messed up. Strange things would happen when in proximity to another person energy field (Didn't really matter if it was a male or female-just a nice human energy field). It also seemed to happen when I was receiving someone intense attention. Although I have never been able to really discuss this issue with my T directly, I have over time been able to untangle the wires a bit and allow myself to be more open to connecting with others without a physical response and therefore without all the mental noise that the physical response then triggered. I'm not sure if this is what you are talking about or not. I've found it REALLY hard to talk about even from the false safety of my computer.

[rainbow8]

chaotic, I know what you mean. I am wondering how in the world I could start this thread! Yes, I mean the physical arousal, not the emotional. Of course the emotional brings on the physical. Thank you so much for "getting it." I know it sounded like I meant the love feelings, but I didn't. Well, it's all mixed together I guess.

I have over time been able to untangle the wires a bit and allow myself to be more open to connecting with others without a physical response and therefore without all the mental noise that the physical response then triggered. I'm not sure if this is what you are talking about or not.

YES! I have a suspicion that this happens to others but it's TMI (too much information). I feel like crawling under my computer now.

[jexa]

rainbow,

I just want to right now, but I definitely relate to the "wires being crossed" thing.

Rainbow I really relate.. I get sexual feelings toward female authority figures. It's just been my thing for a long time. I used to feel that way toward female teachers, and I always get that way about my T's. But I'm really not attracted to women and would never even want to act on these feelings. It's just a.. reaction.

Maybe we're just highly sensitive people. And the good feelings that come from being around people are more intense for us, and turn into something physical? But since most people don't feel that way, it's confusing to us? I don't know.

(((rainbow)))

[chaotic13]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I know it sounded like I meant the love feelings, but I didn't. Well, it's all mixed together I guess.

I get what you mean by it gets all mixed together.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Of course the emotional brings on the physical.

rainbow8, I would like to respectfully challenge this cause and effect statement. I believe this a complex multi-way relationship that is connected to other body systems in very diverse ways for each individual. Deane Juhan who is a bodywork and author of a book called Job's Body said, "The brain is a single functional unit, from cortex to fingertips to toes. To touch the surface is to stir the depths." My experience tells me that our organism is connected and specifically and Divinely designed to be a powerful and highly sensitive input device. When it is mishandled or out of tune all sorts of signals can get crossed.

YES! I have a suspicion that this happens to others but it's TMI (too much information). I feel like crawling under my computer now.

The only reason why I asked for clarification and ventured a reply is because I also think it happens to others but like other things...even in therapy its just TMI.

I do have some insights I've learn on my own regarding this but I don't want to keep the thread going if you're starting to feel like crawling under your computer. Writing about this (can't technically say "discussing it" since...I haven't really verbalize it to anyone at this point) this is challenging for me too but I am willing to continue either here or via PM if you'd like. But I am also more than willing to let this thread die away now. I let you make the call.

[rainbow8]

chaotic,

It's okay with me to continue posting here since others may be reading even if they aren't contributing. I'm interested in your insights. I was just assuming the emotional leads to the physical. The book you quoted from sounds fascinating. Thank you.

[BlackCanary]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Will anyone else admit to feeling s_____ feelings when they feel connected to their T?

Yes - but I'd never have told him. Partly because of my sense that he was already uncomfortable just knowing my feelings about him (emotional part). And I knew that it was part of my "reptilian brain" response to the intimacy of therapy. So, I tried to not worry about it. But, a pounding heart is a pounding heart! And I know I'm not the only client who has looked around at the pool thinking "Hmm, which body does my therapist have?" under those ironed shirts and ties....

I know it's likely to happen with a female T also. And I know it will bother me some to feel a s_____ response to a female. I had that response happen in college with a female professor.

If your T has already figured out there might some s____ feelings going on, enough so that she's asked, then she's pretty intuitive? hope that makes it easier, but don't feel like you have to say it to make her happy - not worth feeling like your head might explode!

[jexa]

PS, guys, we're allowed to use the word sexual and sex. The thread has a trigger icon and everything. All's well!

[rainbow8]

Jexa, thanks. I really don't understand the "rules" here on PC about triggers or using "words" since people abbreviate "sa," for example.

BlackCanary, thanks. Um, I actually told this to a T years ago, because she kept telling me that feelings for her weren't sexual and I had to tell her she was wrong. She said it was "sensual", not "sexual." I told another T what I told the first one, and she said "hardly ANYONE would EVER tell their T something so graphic". So, I felt ashamed and had to tell my most recent T too. We didn't really discuss it, though. It was in the context of what it's okay to talk about in therapy.

I don't think my T is intuitive about it; I "sort of" told her already, but not really. I told her about the "other" T and my reaction. I didn't know that I would repeat this part of my pattern too. I think it's related to my other issues, and is about intimacy, love, closeness, and how I preceive them. It's not just about sex. So, I think this thread is helping me be less embarrassed, now that I think about it. It DOES bother me more because my T is female, and so am I.

BlackCanary, thanks. Um, I actually told this to a T years ago, because she kept telling me that feelings for her weren't sexual and I had to tell her she was wrong. She said it was "sensual", not "sexual."

Do you think your T was right in her assessment or do you think she was trying to politely tell you, your interpretation was wrong. I have experienced a similar situation, where I felt my T totally misunderstood me. Does that make sense? I am curious if that was your experience.

I told another T what I told the first one, and she said "hardly ANYONE would EVER tell their T something so graphic". So, I felt ashamed and had to tell my most recent T too. We didn't really discuss it, though. It was in the context of what it's okay to talk about in therapy.

Your therapist said that? Who would want to share any intimate or sexual feelings with T after a comment like that. Thankfully, I did not consult or talk to anyone about appropriate T protocol, and just tried to be open, honest, and understand.

So, I think this thread is helping me be less embarrassed, now that I think about it.

Glad to hear, Rainbow. There is nothing to be ashamed, or embarrassed about. I am glad your T wants to help you!

[chancy512]

I just want to say Thank you for this thread. I admire everyone's honesty here. I have some of the same feeling for my T. I talk to her about many things but nothing that would be related directly to me. ( I tend hold back a lot)
Some times my feelings are stronger for my T. then other times. It is just all so confusing to me.
My T. is female and I am a happily married female. I just crave being held by her sometimes and just telling me everything will be ok. I truly love her as my T.