[rainbow8]

I know the insurance problem is part of why I'm depressed, but not all. That's why I'm starting a new thread about it. I left a message on my Ts cell phone after I called insurance, then at night I sent her 2 emails plus a link to an article I wanted her to read. I haven't heard back from her yet.

We just talked during my session. I didn't want to do IFS or close my eyes, and I didn't want to hold her hand because it feels "too good". So we talked about that "too good" feeling and what it could mean to me. She asked me a lot about my past. I didn't feel much at all during the session, but afterwards, I felt the world crashing down. That's why I sent an extra email saying how depressed I am.

I've never taken meds but maybe I need them. I feel like I hate myself because of my pattern of going from one unaccessible person to another, ending with my stream of Ts. That's what we talked about. It's pathetic. I'm not happy with myself at all right now. My T thinks EMDR will help, and maybe it will. I'm not so sure anymore, if anything will help. I was deluding myself to think that holding her hand would solve my problems. If she can't help me, then that's it. I said that Bt was going to be my last T, but Kt offered me new hope. Maybe what I'm doing now is the real work of therapy and that's why I'm so depressed. I'll see what my T emails me.

[googley]

I hope your T responds soon. It is hard waiting for them to reply.

[Perna]

Remember, Rainbow, there are good days/sessions and bad days/sessions with therapy. You won't feel this particular "always" always :-) Hang in there; I hope your T does email you back.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Perna

Remember, Rainbow, there are good days/sessions and bad days/sessions with therapy.

So true. Just like in any relationship. And it's not a catastrophe if we have a bad day with someone, it's just a bad day. (This was not easy for me in my marriage, so your wisdom plucks a chord in me, Perna.)

Rainbow, in my first year of therapy with my T, there were times when I would feel very depressed after a session. I might feel OK when I left the office and then it would come crashing down. In those days I had weekly sessions, and this was really important then, because then I didn't have too long to wait for another session and could sometimes tell T our session had made me depressed and we would explore that and after processing it together, I almost always felt better. There were other times when we didn't discuss it next time (I was able to process it on my own) and other times where I brought it up but not for weeks or months later. It sounds like you know why the session was depressing and that puts you in the position where you can discuss it and get right to the issue. (For me, I often would not know why the session depressed me and it took time to unearth it.)

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I feel like I hate myself because of my pattern of going from one unaccessible person to another, ending with my stream of Ts.

I know my memory is bad, but this is the first time I can remember that you alluded to relationships outside of therapy that had the same pattern as your T relationships. I think that is really important and shows a way to help understand and get beyond the therapy to your outside life. (I have some of what may be a similar pattern myself--choosing people in life who cannot love me.) Perhaps it is a very understandable coping mechanism that you transferred this pattern of seeking out inaccessible people for relationships to your Ts, instead of continuing to bang your head against the wall in real life. Perhaps "seeking" in therapy has allowed you to be more or less "still" in real life and have the longterm relationship that you do with your H.

I think we keep repeating patterns in life because we are attempting to resolve something. Trying again and again. Instead of hating yourself for this, would it help to view it as an inner striving to be healthy and solve your problems?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Maybe what I'm doing now is the real work of therapy and that's why I'm so depressed.

The work of therapy can be hard and painful. There have been many sessions where I left feeling worse than when I entered.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I've never taken meds but maybe I need them.

I think meds are just one more tool, helpful for some people and not for others. You could try meds if you wanted and stop them if they were not helpful. Just like you try EMDR or any other technique.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

a link to an article

Would it help to share the article here?

[rainbow8]

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/unplugged/2010/08/a-love-affair-with-your-therapist/

I don't know why this is in blue. Above is the link to the article, originally sent to me by Peaches.

[rainbow8]

googley, thanks for replying. T will probably email me later tonight. That's when she usually does.

Perna: Thanks! It wasn't a bad SESSION. It just made me realize that my main issue hasn't been solved, and I feel depressed about my behavior and feelings throughout my life, and wonder if this T will help, or if I just have to give up trying and decide which is worse, to live with therapy, or live without it.

sunrise: Yes, I know why the session made me depressed, as I posted above to Perna. It's not a bad day; it's ME.

Perhaps "seeking" in therapy has allowed you to be more or less "still" in real life and have the longterm relationship that you do with your H.

Yes, you're probably right about that. I can't imagine how destructive I'd be if I really had those relationships.

I think we keep repeating patterns in life because we are attempting to resolve something. Trying again and again. Instead of hating yourself for this, would it help to view it as an inner striving to be healthy and solve your problems?

Yes, that helps. It's something my T would say too. I just don't see how it's going to get resolved. I suppose T will tell me I have to be patient again. Thank you for your reply, sunrise.

[jexa]

rainbow I think even when I am not struggling so much I will struggle to let go of therapy. Without therapy, what happens rainbow? When you don't see a T, does your life change in any way? How does it change?

sunrise, whoa. Thank you for that post especially this: Perhaps "seeking" in therapy has allowed you to be more or less "still" in real life

I think being in therapy allows me to play out my drama so my IRL relationships aren't affected so much. So I think it will be hard for me to let go of therapy because being there is like a release for all the pent-up stuff that would otherwise ruin things in my real life. When I am not in T, I get uncontrollably obsessed with someone else besides a T. Does that happen for you, rainbow? If it's going to go somewhere, best it goes to someone who knows how to help.

[granite1]

rain ((hugs))

[rainbow8]

jexa, I never started therapy until my Mom died, though I could have used it all through my childhood. I was 34 when she died. I went without therapy for about 10 years but I was very busy raising my kids then. I didn't think I needed it anymore.

I was LOOKING for someone to obsess about, though I denied that in my mind, when I started seeing my former T about 7 years ago. Also for someone to be there for me because my kids were growing up and leaving home. I really thought I'd see her once/month for the rest of my life, and that would be it. But when I realized she couldn't help me anymore, I wanted to try "one more time" to work through the unmet needs of childhood. My T says that I can do that. But, in the meantime, I want to be with her too much, just like the others. I'm really frustrated, but will stick with it because IFS and EMDR are different, and my T thinks they will help.

The hand-holding was triggering, but served a purpose to get T to understand me better. She hasn't emailed me yet.

granite: I appreciate your hugs very much.

[rainbow8]

T finally emailed me. Her email is bittersweet, makes me happy and sad. She said if insurance won't pay she'll find a fee that will work for me.

She liked the article that I posted the link to, above, and said we can do something like the "teddy bear" idea if I want. I kNEW she was THAT kind of T.

I'm supposed to separate the parts that are making me depressed from the others: "they're parts, not all of you."

She's happy I started going to yoga because it will help create a "self" that will lead the parts. IFS is about self-leadership, she says.

She hoped today was better. I don't want to wreck it by emailing back and saying that it was NOT a better day. I didn't get that job, and I waited for her email all day. Well, I did make part of me go to exercise and do errands. I'm trying. T is an optimistic person. I'm glad she doesn't hate me or want to stop seeing me because of my "weirdness."

The sad part is that she's still only T, and wants me to be happy in my RL. I SHOULD want that. That's the sad part. Yes, PART of me wants T and not RL. But that's only one part of me.

If anyone can read the article, I'd be interested in feedback.