[zooropa]

(trigger icon for mention of SA, nothing graphic)

As some of you know, I'm working on trauma in T right now. I have other trauma that we haven't even talked about yet, but for the last several months (wow, has it been that long? ) we've been working on an isolated incident of SA that happened when I was 18.

At the time I didn't tell anyone in my life about it. People knew, doctors and cops, etc, but I didn't tell anyone and just decided to pretend it never happened. Which worked out really great.

So, recently I told my younger sister about it. She is the only family member that I've ever told. It felt scary but good to tell her.

For some reason, she decided to tell our mother this weekend.

My mother, who I have no contact with, immediately called my ex-husband. He also didn't know about it.

It's just been this huge mess and prompted all these phone calls (99% of which I have ignored) and this whole huge clusterduck.

I did talk to my T about it when the $hit first hit the fan on Fri or Sat, and I see her tomorrow, but then she's going on vacation.

I don't even know the point of this post except I guess I just wanted to talk about it to some people who will understand.

[googley]

(((((((((((((((Zoo))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry. That is awful that everyone is passing around your private information. I would feel so violated. I don't understand why they thought this was an appropriate thing to do. We are here for you.

[zooropa]

thanks googley
That's what my T said too, she even used the same word, that it is a violation. I'm just trying to let them have their drama and not get all wrapped up in it, even though it's all about me. It's hard.

[sunrise]

I'm so sorry. (((((zoo))))) You finally trust someone and then she breaks your confidence. Zoo, I find it very strange that people would spread this very private thing around like wildfire. Like your mother--why wouldn't she call you first before speaking with anyone else? Why would she call your XH, of all people? Something like SA is so intensely personal--I do not understand why people would talk to anyone about this except for you.... How are you doing?

[WePow]

(((((Zoo )))))))

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I'm so sorry. (((((zoo))))) You finally trust someone and then she breaks your confidence. Zoo, I find it very strange that people would spread this very private thing around like wildfire. Like your mother--why wouldn't she call you first before speaking with anyone else? Why would she call your XH, of all people? Something like SA is so intensely personal--I do not understand why people would talk to anyone about this except for you.... How are you doing?

I think my mom called my ex because she wanted him to corroborate the story. Of course, that's me, thinking she didn't believe it. Which is exactly why I didn't tell her when it happened 20 years ago.

He didn't know anything about it, so whether she believes it or not I don't know. I don't talk to my mom, and won't, so she was probably right in thinking that she would get more info from him than from me.

I just won't talk about it, with any of them. I called my T when it first happened and I was pretty freaked out, but she reminded me that I don't have to talk to them. I don't have to do anything about it, or have anything to do with it.

My sister has left a couple of messages apologizing. I'll talk to her, eventually, but not right now.

I agree with other comments here, Zoo. I am sorry this happened to you. I would feel violated and betrayed. Someone told me once, we don't always have a choice in those things which happen to us, but we do have a choice in how we "respond" to it. You are taking care of YOU, and THAT is most important!

[granite1]

wow zoo so sorry about all this wow you really must be beside yourself.i hope your sister can keep things private if you choose to share any more of your life with her.it is a gift you have given her and it truely was a violation to talk to anyone else about it

(((Zoo))) I'm so sorry this happened.

[zooropa]

thanks you guys. It really feels good to know I'm not over-reacting and that you guys understand how big of a deal this is. I'm doing okay with it, but mostly because I just keep pushing it away and not dealing with it.

[looking4polaris]

Originally Posted by zooropa

thanks you guys. It really feels good to know I'm not over-reacting and that you guys understand how big of a deal this is. I'm doing okay with it, but mostly because I just keep pushing it away and not dealing with it.

That's an absolutely sh*tty thing to have happen after you chose to share that information. Just because everyone is turning your personal, private information into a gossipy drama does not mean that you have to participate in it. I think it's ok to push it away for now...sometimes that is a good way to deal with things. What is it with families? Just send them your therapy bills. Here's some support in the meantime

[googley]

((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))

I just wanted to come back and give you more support. I think it is totally fine to push this away for a while as long as this does not cause you to use bad coping. I hope you get a chance to talk about this with your T before she leaves. We will be here to support you while she is gone also.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( zoo )))))

Wow, what an AWFUL thing to do....and the ripple effect!!!

I am ANGRY FOR YOU!!!

I had a similar experience recently with sharing some very personal details about a CSA experience that I had when I was a teen (with my boss)....with someone, and my sister (who knew about it briefly right after it happened) walked in on the conversation and got disgusted and angry with me for sharing it...

Like I didn't already feel bad enough about it....and allowed myself to be that vulnerable to share....to then have the feelings of such shame and humiliation overcome me because of my sister's disgust towards me for it....

Blech.

((( HUGS )))

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by zooropa

My sister has left a couple of messages apologizing. I'll talk to her, eventually, but not right now.

I would probably take a long time to talk to her if it were me, but you sound more forgiving. There is something that seems disingenuous to me to break such an important confidence and then immediately to be sending messages apologizing. Like it doesn't all add up.

[zooropa]

it just occurred to me that probably at least part of the reason I'm not completely freaking out over this is the med change I had this week. I started adderall xr (been on it in the past but not recently) on thurs and increased my dose today. I think that, more than anything else, is keeping me from obsessing on this situation.

Whatever works!

[deliquesce]

(((((((((((((((((((((((zooey))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((((((Zooropa)))))))))))))))))))))))))

It IS a big deal, and you are NOT over-reacting.

And I've been thinking about this and wondering why your sister did what she did. I think if my sister told me something like that, I would be shocked, and maybe scared and unsafe, and not knowing what to do - almost like I had to do something to help? Or show I cared?
There's no question that she messed up bigtime. But I'm just wondering if she did it out of a place of caring about you, rather than trying to hurt you or make things worse for you.

How did your sister react when you told her?

I'm glad you had the med change and that it seems to be helping. I think you should give yourself credit too, for using good coping skills and asking for support.

[zooropa]

But I'm just wondering if she did it out of a place of caring about you, rather than trying to hurt you or make things worse for you

.

I don't feel like she did it to be malicious or to hurt me. I can tell she's sorry, and I know how talking to our mother can really push my buttons and I end up saying things I didn't intend to say, so I think that's probably what happened here.

I think I'm doing a good job of protecting myself from any fallout from everyone finding out. I had this moment when I first found out where I felt like I was falling apart, like my world was falling apart. And then I just sat on my couch and looked around me and reminded myself that "I AM OKAY. I'm still okay."

I didn't let the emotions bowl me over, but I didn't push them away either. I felt it, I cried, I called my T, and I was still ok.

[Perna]

Well, one good thing is that you learned either not to tell your sister next time or she learned not to tell anyone else your business. Expensive lesson. I'm really glad though that you have been able to steer through it pretty well; hope it dies down well before your T goes away.

[BlackCanary]

Did you hear my gigantic GASP at my desk on the east coast all the way out there in PacNW? I then quickly turned it into a cough so my office mate would not ask what is wrong!!

OMG.
I would be incurably furious. Endlessly and unreasonably angry.
I told my "when I was 17" story to my husband before we were married, and then last year my sister in law (she, sadly, has a similar story). Then I decided to tell my sister, but I likely started with "You may not tell anyone - not our parents, not our brother, not your husband, not your kids."
This scenario is something we talked about in a women's group I did last fall. Setting the boundaries for your reaction.
Ouch. Hope you are feeling a bit better. Glad that the Adderall seems to help! You are right, whatever works!

[WikidPissah]

ugh...that was absolutely wrong of her to do that, so sorry you have to endure this crap. i hope you're ok, i would be totally freaking.

[zooropa]

I had a nice long talk about this with my T this morning.

We talked about the difference between pushing away and letting go, and how it feels (to both of us) like I am not pushing this away but just accepting that I cannot change it. I am hurt over my sister betraying my confidence, and worried that my ex will tell my kids or say something in front of them, but I really think I'm pretty much ok about it all.

I told my T, it's like...this happened (everyone finding out) and it created this huge whirlpool and my initial reaction was to jump right in and start calling everyone and just get mixed up in it all, and then I realized, I don't have to. I can just stay out of the water and let them all flail around in the whirlpool if they want to. I'll just sit up here on the bank and mind my business, with my T and my friends and my kids and all of you wonderful people

In some ways, choosing NOT to react was the only option I had that let me truly take my power back. I thought about what someone said here a long time ago, that it's only a crisis if I choose to make it a crisis. I thought about what my T has said about taking a minute to ask myself, What is true for me in this moment?

[REEG]

Awesome ZOO! I'm so sorry this happened, and SO encouraged by your responseto it. I love the image of sitting on the bank, watching others 'flail around' in the crisis. I may borrow that it you don't mind!

[zooropa]

REEG, please! Use it to your heart's content. There is something kind of self-servingly satisfying about picturing certain people flailing around in a crisis of their own creation while I sit on the sidelines, dry and warm.

[jexa]

zoo, I have to say I am really impressed with how you are handling this. Nicely done!