need to tell T

Several things have come up this past week, and I am kind of trying to prioritize which one to tell T. There was a giant awful moment that involved sex....and I really need to process, but NO WAY can I say it. I don't know T well enough to bring that up. I don't really know if I can bring up any of the crap I am struggling with.

I decided to email a couple of things ahead of time. I wrote this brief email...edited it a gazillion times...and tried to send it. It was my first time emailing him...but the email address he gave me, the one imprinted on his business card, bounced. Invalid email. I checked and rechecked...it doesn't work.

So now I have to use words tomorrow. Bloody Hell...who am I kidding, I can never use words. *sigh* How is this T thing ever going to work if I can't talk???

It is hard to let this stuff out. Whenever I am faced with something hard that I have to do I make myself do it scared and all. I am always relieved after I do it. It makes things better and makes it easier the next time that I have to do something hard. Good luck and keep us posted!

(((((((((eileen)))))))))

When things are too hard for me to say, sometimes I will start by saying "I need to talk about something but it's too hard to say it". We'll talk about why it's so hard, etc...and sometimes just that process helps me find the courage to say whatever it is I thought I couldn't say.

Sometimes, if I feel like I have to get something out but I can't say the words, I will write it down for T, right there in session. I will say a sentence but write down the hard words, or I will write down the whole story. T and I have spent sessions just writing to each other.

Usually, when I have something really hard to say, it takes time. Especially early in telling my story....it would quite literally take me an entire session to say *one* sentence sometimes. The slowness of it made it feel like it would be a never ending process, but it got easier over time.

I think a good T understands how incredibly hard it is to say these things. For me, just knowing that he 'gets it" helps a little.

to you

But in writing the e-mail you talked to that other T -- the one inside you. You got to organize your thinking. Maybe you will find that counts for quite a bit.

When I am scared to talk with T, I usually write a few things down on paper. In session, if I just can't make myself say it, I usually say something like..."There is something I would like to talk about but I'm afraid." I refer back to my notes, letter, journal entry or whatever I wrote and read to T. Usually, just a few words help T put the pieces together enough to help. Do you think you could write a few things down and if you find yourself unable to speak, read it to T?

That's so cool. But I freeze when I am scared...I loose all sense of what's going on. I hope someday I will be able to push thru it...but not there yet.

I probably might be able to say that. You're so freakin brave Tree!!!

You're right. I was able to get thoughts together, and make them brief too.
Yea, I could probably write things down...but the thought of bringing a paper into T is weird...like he'll know it says something, then I will have to explain what the paper is for...

I know I sound really stupid...I want to be braver...I just know I will freak when I get there. I am freaking now, just thinking about it. But I will keep this stuff in mind, I will try to push thru it.

It's okay to be freaking out. You don't have to be all pulled together to go to therapy. When I get like this I say how I feel and it helps. "I'm really nervous right now" or for you to say that you are scared.

eileen i know so much about how you feel and i dont have any answers for you unfortunately but i do have a bunch of hugs for you

T is in about 4 hours. What will I do? ARG...so freakin nervous...I want to talk so badly....it's going to be so hard

i know when i e-mailed my T about my step mom i wasnt able to talk much about it but it made me feel better knowing that she had an idea about what was going on at the time so maybe even if you cant talk it may give you some relief that T knows somewhat about stuff going on.eileen you will be in my thoughts today and wishing you courrage.

yea...that went well...NOT...:

T: So how was your week
Me: um...fine
T: You had a good week?
Me: uh, yes
T: What was good about it?
Me: I don't know
T: Did anything nice happen?
Me: um, yes
T: Can you name one nice thing?
Me: shrugs shoulders
This went on painfully for a while. Then he did his scales, sui, si, depression. "On a scale of 1-10...blah, blah, blah"
Then I left. The end. I totally suck at T. I really wish his email address worked, the email I wrote was good, it would have opened up some conversation, pushed me to disclose stuff.

Eileen can you perhaps print out your email and bring it to your next session? It can be frustrating to have all these things you want to share but at the same time you are stuck in a major way. These things take time as frustrating as it is. Many hugs - and keep posting.

I don't know how new this therapist is for you, but for me I usually have to spend about 3 months or more just talking about nothing before I can tell a therapist anything important. Maybe that would help you get more comfortable if you don't try to pressure yourself to talk about something important. Just kind of talk about your world views, politics, religion. Or about your friends and what it means to be friends with someone. Anything that tell something about you without being too personal.

The only professional that ever helped me at all spend months just asking me about a video game I played whenever I would freeze up and get nervous. He would listen to me talk about my video game until I calmed down and then we would maybe talk about something about me for a minute and then more bs... He was really really patient. I think it would drive most therapists nuts, but perhaps that is why he was the only person I could ever work with. Now that he is gone I won't even go back to therapy.

well I sat here and made a list of the good things that came from T today. I needed to try and make myself believe that I didn't waste time and money:
1) I was able to admit some thoughts to him, just by shaking my head.
2) He always brings me back to my "happy place" memory before I leave, and that's a nice thought to leave with.
3) He made me laugh a few times.
4) He doesn't judge me for not talking, he doesn't force me to talk.
5) It's only been about 7 weeks, and he already reads me well.
6) I feel safer with him then I did with my old T.

hugs to you eileen..............hoping your session went well and you were able to get the words out

oops, missed the second page, please tell me you let him know his email address is not valid and got a new one? if not, maybe you could call and ask for one...let t know it is so you can let him know when there are issues that come up that you want to work on -

Good work Eileen!

eileen this is a great list do you mind if i give it a try.i love the idea of trying to think of the positive things i got out of a sesson i tent to think only of the negative

i bet you even had a millon responces to what is going on running through your head in a matter of seconds also and all you could come out with was um fine at the same time feeling WTF

lol...exactly Granite....my mouth says "um, fine" and my brain is screaming "no, no, no....I am not fine, this week was hell, just say it damn it, just say it, you f'ing wimp...tell him what happened..."

eileen i typed this up to maybe give to my T if i suddenly get brave thought you might like it

The conversation

the question

T-so on a scale from1-10 how are you doing?1 being the worst 10 being the best.

the thoughts

Granite-What? How am i doing? I have no idea, How am i supose to be doing?Why dont i know? I should know this.what should i say?i know ok i'm fine. Ya thats believeable.God i have no idea whats ok to say. I cant answer this. God i'm forever so messed up.I'm ok just breathe.so what just dont answer.I'm just so pathetic.She has just got to totally hate me.I so just want to get out of here.This isnt good and i have no idea why i am even here.just breathe.this is crazy why i'm i so terrified?Just open my mouth.Forgrt that ****.what would she think about all this?I dont really even want to know.If she is angry i cant stop it.i can leave.It's ok.The door isn't locked.I dont think.I cant do this.I just want to say i'm sorry.she would ask why.stupid.Crap what was the question anyway? whatever
fill in all empty spaces with miscellaneous thoughts that make no sense

the question again

T- granite,how are you doing

The answer

Granite-I'm fine

Wow Granite this is so illuminating. thanks!!! And FWIW, your thought patterns don't run all that different from those of many of us... or I should speak for myself at least.

yea granite...I totally appreciate that. Funny thing is all that conversation goes on in your brain in about 15 seconds. No wonder I am always exhausted by the 2nd question!