guess what...T was there!

wow, I had such a crazy morning and afternoon. Still haven't gone to the school (my first class isn't for a few more hours) but I'm home briefly and wanted to update you guys.

I pulled into T's parking lot and saw her truck parked there, I breathed a HUGE inward sigh of relief.

It was a good session. I told her right away that I didn't want to do trauma work today and that I'd like to change our standing appt to Tues when I don't have class. I said I don't want to do trauma stuff and school on the same day. She smiled and said that sounded like a really healthy plan to her. Another sigh of relief! I said, "good, I was worried about that. I sort of agonized over it".

So instead we talked about what's been going on in my life for the last 2 weeks. When I left I felt like I had just spent the previous 50mins talking at the speed of sound and still didn't get everything said that I wanted to, but it was good.

It felt really nice to leave there without feeling like I was dragging my torn up heart behind me. Part of me really wants to keep not doing trauma work, because it just feels so good to not have done that for a couple of weeks. At the same time, another part of me knows that I'm not done and it might feel good now but it can't really heal until it's finished.

I feel kind of emotional and like I'd really rather stay home in my pjs on the couch, but I'm going to push myself to go to class. I can't miss the first one. Plus I need to get my financial aid check, lol!

So, that was it. T was there. I felt validated and heard and supported and...cared for? Maybe a little?

That is so awesome that T was there (not that I thought she wouldn't be). But isn't it great when they are there when they are supposed to be? I'm glad that she thought that switching your day was a good idea. I hope you have a good time at class tonight. What is it?

That's awesome, zoo! I'm glad you were able to reconnect with T and that you got some really validating feedback from her. Way to go!!!

I sooooo know what you mean by not wanting to do trauma work. I find that when I have day to day issues to share with T, that I feel so much better being there....and when I delve into the tough stuff, it just feels so awful.

But we know that the tough work has to be done....blech!

(((((((((((Zoo ))))))))))))))))) very good job today!!

I'm so glad your T was there zoo. That must have been a huge relief! How did class go?

ugh, you guys. My class, eng101, was okay but I was just pretty much overwhelmed by the time I got there. Too much in one day for me. And then after class when I went to leave, IN THE DARK, the brakes on my van failed and it was horrible. Luckily, a friend I made at the school last week was there and she gave me a ride home.

I don't even know what to do with my van or how I'm going to get to class tomorrow or to my dr's appointment tomorrow. And worse than all that, both of my sons are in juvie right now for truancy.

It feels like everything is falling apart, and I don't understand it. Can't things be okay for me, even for a while? I don't even know if I'm going to be able to keep going to school if I don't have a vehicle, or how I'll get to T, or how I'll visit my boys in juvie or my youngest who lives with her dad. This just screws everything up.

It's hard to not feel like it's a smackdown from the universe for daring to think I could change things or have a better life for me & my kids.

Oh zoo I'm SO sorry to hear that so much stress is going on right now! This is so much to handle all at once! But. You can DO this, zoo! I'm not seeing despair in this situation! I'm seeing, "Hey this REALLY sucks for zoo that all of this is going on.. but all this stuff is the kind of stuff that always seems to work out, and she'll be fine." ONE THING AT A TIME, zoo.

First, the car. Is there any way to pay for the brakes to get fixed? Is there anyone who can help you with some money for this kind of repair? Even if it will be hard to ask for help? Do you know anyone who knows an honest mechanic in town? Is there anyone who can give you rides to school? Like a classmate you can carpool with? Is there anyone who can give you a ride to T for a few bucks in gas money?

Zoo, turning your life around is a gradual process. No one can turn it completely around on a dime. These are road blocks that you need to manuever around. Keep your hopes up and keep working.

You mentioned 2 challenging things in this thread but you also mentioned 2 wonderful things in this thread. Last month you had only challenging things to talk about. You are digging out slowly and have accomplished 2 wonderful things. These wonderful things are the only things that have changed this month. This is progress! The 2 wonderful things occurred because of your hard work. Keep working and you will turn all the other stuff around too.

(((zoo))) I hate that these bad things are happening to you, so frustrating. As someone else said, ONE thing at a time. The thing that stands out is your vehicle...you can fix that. Brakes aren't that difficult, heck I've done them before out of desperation. Most guys know how to do a brake job, so ask around before you panic. If there isn't anyone, try the nearest technical high school....they are cheap and reliable for simpler repairs like this.

(((((((((((( zoo ))))))))))) your H should be able to help with the brakes - you are still caring for children and they need tranportation too yes? Is there a family member or friend you can get to help? I'm so sorry for all this

just wanted to leave hugs
Your doing well by telling T what you need.

zoo just sending you lots of hugs and support let us know if you got the van breaks dealt with i know how hard it is to live your life with out transportation.

you guys are so supportive. Thank you SO MUCH.

I was so overwhelmed last night. I called T but she didn't call me back, it was kind of late. I ended up making myself a list because I had so much spinning around in my head. The list literally says: breathe, eat, take meds, sleep, eat, take meds, call dealership, go to doctor, go to pharmacy, go to school, call AAA to get van towed to dealership.

That was all I could think to do, just write down each step and see that I could take care of some of this just one step at a time. It actually really helped.

My daughter is coming to give me a ride to the dr & stuff, and I think the van repairs should be free b/c there was a recall on it for the brake system and it now has a lifetime warranty. I just had an entirely new brake system put in it in March.

So, that's where I'm at. I would actually feel a lot better if I was able to pick up my financial aid check, but I need to get my attendance sheet signed by all of my instructors first and one of my classes isn't until Fri. I may see if I can hunt the prof down and have him sign it for me early. Some money in my pocket would really help me be able to breathe.

wahoo!!

sannah, I just wanted to say a particular thanks for this, it is really helpful to me to be reminded of progress I've made and that things ARE getting better. Just because there are roadblocks, as you say, doesn't mean things aren't still moving in a generally positive direction.

My immediate reaction when I got in my van and the brakes failed was "oh crap, now I have to drop out of school" and I had a lot of thoughts last night about how it seems like when I'm trying to make positive change it just doesn't work out.

But that's not true, it's just a bump in the road. It's how I deal with the bumps that matters, not the fact that the bump is there.

(((((((((((Zoo))))))))))

Good job making a list. Those things work wonders. It means we don't have to keep track of the stuff in our heads.

Take care of yourself. I believe in you!

thanks googley

I don't know if you are familiar with Harry Potter at all, but I think of my lists as my version of a pensieve, where I can put all those distracting and annoying thoughts so they won't be tumbling around in my head.

I told my T about my list and she reminded me that a year ago I would call her in a meltdown and she would tell me exactly what to do, one thing at a time. I hadn't thought of that when I made my list last night, but it was obviously in my head.

I remember those phone calls to, T telling me "get up, wash your face, brush your hair, go outside, drive to the pharmacy, pick up your meds, drive home and call me when you get there."

It feels good to know that I have some form of inner-T that does that for me now. She is a part of me and that means I can't lose her, ever. Ever.

eta: I got curious so I went & looked at my threads and found this one from last Dec, which means it wasn't even a year ago, just 9 months! I remember those days so vividly. I dread going back to that place. Ugh.

I am a Harry Potter fan.

It is so great when we can internalize these things that our Ts teach us so that we can take them with us wherever we go and at any time. I hope you share this with your T. It is so awesome!

yes, I shared it with her, she's the one who pointed it out to me actually. I haven't talked too much w/T lately about my process of trusting and depending on myself, but I know she sees it. In some ways I'm afraid to express TOO much independence because I don't want her to get rid of me.

zooropa.............i read that older post.......wow! you are so fortunate to have such a caring and thoughtful t to mirror for you...and what a wonderful student/child you have been - keep up the great work!

I sent my T a text earlier that said "sometimes I'm afraid to tell you when I'm doing well b/c I don't want you to kick me out of therapy. Just thought you should know. So...don't kick me out, ok?"

and I just got the reply: "ain't kickin u out "