[REEG]

So last week I had a very intense session with T- admitted some things about growing up. T laughed and responded- well, I'm glad YOU said that first! It was tough, but helpful. T suggested I not dwell on it and urged me to come back next week.

Then I had some difficulties that night- was looking for jobs, and one was posted in the town where a former abuser lived. Before I knew it I was googling him, and really was triggered. Realized at work the next day I was off center when I was just snapped at a customer service person, so I figured I should do a quick check in call would be good. THat was Friday.
Tough weekend with my girl- very reactive about schoolwork, lots of yelling and drama. She also refused an immunization she needs for school its just very stressful.

On Monday, I recieved a call from her secretary saying "T got your message and will call later in the week". Tuesday I was pretty reactive and easily triggered, and not happy about all the ways I handled it. But thought 'she will call'. Wed no call, I almost called but thought, no T is tomorrow, I'll be fine.
Today the secretary called to cancel our scheduled appt. Only times she is available next week are two days during my work hours. So no appt until Oct 21st. The secretary said there is some family emergency, she wasn't even sure if T would be back to her regular schedule then. So I've gone from noticing I'm off balance to really being off center to being fairly okay again.

Now I know T's emergency is not about me, so I'm trying to be thoughtful about my reactions. Part of me wants to say "what's the use? I tried to reach out, you weren't there- forget it!" And I think I trust T, but in then I think "Maybe this isn't real, maybe she is setting this up."
Perspectives, anyone??

[ECHOES]

It sounds like a pretty serious emergency. I hope all goes well for your T.

Even T's let us down sometimes. T's emergency isn't about you, as you said, but it does affect you. As luck would have it, it comes at a difficult time for you. Very hard to have happen. I feel for you and there was a time when my thoughts too would have turned to distrust and thoughts about having been set up. I kind of think that is also related to the suddenness of this and that this happened right after an intense session where you let yourself be vulnerable. After that kind of session, the vulnerability seems to follow me around a while, sometimes until the next session when I reconnect again. Not that the connection was lost, but I need to really feel it and be reassured that it's still there.

It's understandable that she can't be there because of the family emergency, of course. It comes a time that is already difficult for you, a time when you reached out when you called (that can also feel vulnerable), and now you hear that the immediate future is uncertain. That's a lot going on and it makes sense you might decide it means something else or something more, and that you might defend your hurt, fear, anger with thoughts like "what's the use? I tried to reach out, you weren't there--forget it!" and "Maybe this isn't real, maybe she is setting me up."

[Melbadaze]

Reeg, Very hard to deal with, there is uncertainty about the "emergency" because your not privvy to what exactly is going on so left to ruminate about it, I remember having a T taking some weeks of because her dog died, I remember trying to find some understanding about it, but really I thought, er, your dog died?!!!!

[WikidPissah]

Sorry you are feeling so alone, especially during a time of pain. That must be so hard. Have you asked if another T would be covering? I know it isn't the same, but you would at least be able to let some steam off.

Melba...if my dog died, I would be out of commission for more than a couple of weeks!

[jexa]

Oh that would be triggering REEG -- I think it's really good that you are examining your reactions with curiosity right now. What a great step! With all this stress going on -- and wow that's a lot of stress all at once! -- it's awesome you are being thoughtful about your feelings. Just keep doing that, knowing that it almost definitely is not about you and almost definitely means something's going on in your T's life. She will likely have some sort of explanation when you see her again, and it will all just dissipate. Don't try to push down or fight the feelings this is bringing up, though -- just because the feelings may not be based in "reality" does not mean they are not "real for you."

[WePow]

(((((REEG)))))

You are really amazing how you are handling all of this! You are very mature about your emotions and your actions.

It does make it very hard when the timing is so "off" - when we NEED our T to be there but the universe is not working in our favor. That happened for me when I had that breakdown at work a few weeks ago and T was out of town for his training session. And It happened before when I was in crisis but T had a death in his family. I had no idea what was going on the first time, but just knew he was not there for me and I needed him. When he was able to be there and I found out it was due to a death in his family, I felt so bad that I felt bad for him not being there for me. I wish I would have had your perspective back then!!

[Melbadaze]

Eileen, yes but your not my therapist

[REEG]

Thanks, everyone. Your comments help. I have perspective, at least for tonight! It's a tricky balance between feeling overwhelmed and shut down. So this can be a good opportunity to work on that! I may be leaning on PC for the next few weeks. Good to know you are here

[WePow]

(((((Reeg))))) Do use PC as your support tool. My T said that time spent here on PC counts as group therapy hours! :-) I am glad you were able to get a bit more perspective. Keep up the good work!

[REEG]

Urghh. Feeling overwhelmed. But I was able to catch it and tell my daughter I was going to my room for some "me time" Really trying to see this time without T as a time to practice being okay. Not in a denial and punative kind of way but a just be here kind of way
Feels as if it's more of a choice to "fuel the crisis" than its ever been. I can feel my emotions churning, but - have enough perspective to step back and say "do I want to make that choice? Will it help?".
I've thought about asking for a call from T and about cancelling our next appt all within a few minutes. Feels intense, but not unbearable. I CAN cope and DO have skills and don't have to take any action tonight, other than to get us through the nighttime routine and get up tomorrow.

[WePow]

((((REEG))))) Thinking of you!

[REEG]

Thanks. Everything seems to have less of an edge today.

I thought about cancelling upcoming T appt and went to google her work email and found an obit for her younger sister, so that explains the family emergency. No wonder.

[jexa]

Oh wow REEG. Yeah, that does explain it. How are you dealing with that knowledge? I think for me the knowledge would both make me feel very sad for my T, and would also make me feel less abandoned/rejected (like, ohhhh of course she had to cancel).

When do you see her again? Are you going to bring up the obit you found?

[REEG]

Jexa- I think I feel that I owe it to T to do as well as I can until I see her next week. Tonight more drama with my daughter, I showed her all her grades, none above a D. But I was able to stay centered, not react, even as she yelled and swore and stormed out of the house. (And returned 5 min later). At the end she even said. "I'm not mad at you. I'm disapointed in ME". And I thought- wait til - tell T. This! I will offer T condolences when I see her next. The obit was public record, so no big concerns there

[ECHOES]

I am sorry for your T. I'm glad you are doing good; it's helpful to have solid information, sad as it sure is.

Your daughter's awareness of what her feelings are about and her being able to tell you sound like really good communication and connection, and all the more amazing that it came so fast after your showing her all her grades. Your staying centered facilitated that!

[REEG]

Echoes. Thanks for the comments. We have been struggling with schoolwork for years, so sometimes I loose perspective. My girl did take. Responsibilty farily quickly, really. Somewhat rocky tonight, but we got through it
I called T's office today to confirm my appt for next week, and got a nice suprise. T herself left a vm and apologized for not returning my call and said she planned on our regular 5pm slot tomorrow. Wow Part of me is very greatful and relieved, part of me is worried that I need too much. Guess I have to trust that T will take care of herself.

[WePow]

((((Reeg))))) You have an awesome T. AND - you are awesome! You have such a wonderful heart. I am glad you get to connect with your T today!

[REEG]

WePow thanks for the kind words!
T was really something- she said. "Let me start, my sister died". And we talked a few minutes about that. She was clearly struggling with her grief, and made it clear she had good support from others. I let her know I was having a hard time, but did not expect her to be back, and asked her if she was okay to do this She smiled and told me she was talking with a mentor and she wanted to explain in case she seemed different, but yes, she was fine to do T. She also pointed out that she had never dealt with anything like this before, and whaddya know, talking about it helped. Then she was quick to change the focus to me... and we had a very good session.
Even in her grief, she is using her experiences to help others. I am amazed and humbled.

[WePow]

Reeg, thank you for sharing this with us. It is amazing how powerful the human heart can be when it has a focus to help others. By looking outside of our own walls, even when we are in deep pain, we can transform our world. What a powerful show of grace your T allowed you to see from her.