[cmac13]

I am wondering about my relationship with my therapist. It scares me because she is the most open-minded caring motherly person I know. I have been in therapy for many, many years trying to deal with really early trauma. She is sensitive and compassionate and is willing to go with me where I need to go each session. she never pushes an agenda. I am always aloud to call her in between sessions if I need to and she always calls me back if I ask her to. She allows me to express myself through letters in between sessions also if I am having difficulty. I keep an art journal to also express my feeling that I have difficulty talking about and I can share it with her during my sessions if I want to. I have asked her if I am becoming a pain in the ***** - too needy or too dependent, but she says "no". She said that because I have never been dependent on others growing up that it is hard for me to "need" other people. She assures me that it is ok to need her. I see her once a week right now. There have times when I was seeing her only once a month but when things get overwlming she is open to sessions closer together. I have a great fear of abandonment and she knows this. We talk at great lengths about this issue in our sessions. She has consistantly verbalized to me that she is not going to abandon me. I am afraid of how attached I am to her. The maternal attachemtn is what I so need. Sometimes when she hugs me at the end of the session I don't want her to let go. I told her this and she says she knows. I sometimes wonder why I am so lucky to have found a therapist who is so giving. My husband says she is the best thing that could have happened for me. I am a better mom, wife and person - I think through my relationship with her I have grown immensely yet I still feel like a little girl who needs and want a "mom".

[sw628]

((CMA13)))
There is just so many similarities to my own relationship with my T that it's a bit overwhelming to respond right now. The longing for a motherly relationship and the not wanting to let go of her hug at the end of session. I can relate.. all too well. I completely understand you and yet i have no words to offer just yet. I do intend to come back and add more later Thanks for the wonderful insight.

[Calm]

Hi cmac, your t sounds terrific. Try not to worry about the relationship you have with her. She seems to know what you need. Quest

[Amazonmom]

My T sounds just like your T. My T says that a few of her past clients said she looks and acts like June Cleaver, and I can definitely see that, but my T has that edge that June just didn't have LOL

I am scared to death of this warm fuzzy feeling I get from my T, but maybe it isn't all that bad. I am actively resisting getting attached to my T, but I think resistance is futile.....I hate getting attached to anything!

[cmac13]

Well I am glad that a lot of you have the kind of therapist I have. I know friends who have therapists who are much more distant and not as hands on as mine. My therapist says that in the 37 years she has been practicing it has never been helpful to reject a client by either not hugging them when asked, calling them back on the phone when they need to talk, accepting a gift, or just plain being a real person - I think that is what helps me the most. I feel safe because I know her. She is guenuine and that is just plain scary to me - yet comforting...

[sunrise]

Your T sounds great!

Originally Posted by cmac13

My husband says she is the best thing that could have happened for me. I am a better mom, wife and person - I think through my relationship with her I have grown immensely

This is wonderful. Have you shared this with your T--about how much you have grown because of therapy? And your H sounds great too, to recognize her value. Sometimes spouses get jealous of the T or don't see the value and resent the expense.

[cmac13]

Oh yeah I have shared my feelings about the relationship with her. I also always give her something special for Christmas and for Mother's Day along with a card to let her know how much she has helped me. My husband knows my family history and he feels that my relationship with my therapist is important. He knows I need the "mothering" I get from her that he cannot provide

[hangingon]

Wow, it sounds like you have a wonderful T.
I switched therapists back in December because my old one was so professional but way to distant for me. Sometimes I think the professionalism clouds a therapeutic relationship. I could never get close to her.
I also have a huge fear of abandonment. When I chose a new counselor 6 months ago, it was because of her warmth. I felt more connected in the first couple of sessions and she does give hugs which she started after about couple months of seeing her.

Yet, I still have this huge fear of abandonment, I know she knows this because I told her that one of the reasons I left my old T was because she had started her own practice over and hour away from where I had originally been seeing her and though she said she would still come see me at the other place, in my mind, I had to get out before she got sick of travelling so far and ditched me.

My new T understood and said, sometimes people are in T for a long time. Meaning I may need to see her for awhile. Then a couple months later, I mentioned my fear of abandonment again. This time she told me she can't promise me anything as something could happen to a family member ect.

That comment really hurt. Put a huge wedge in between, I want to trust her so bad but I am just waiting for her to tell me she can't see me anymore.
I am not sure she really understands how serious this is for me. If she has any intention of changing what she is doing ect....I need to know because I want out now if so, which would really hurt because I do like her a lot. I just can't allow myself to get closer and trust her more only to hear it has to end before I am ready for that. I can't do this all over again with another counselor, this may sound bad but I would give up completely on therapy at that point. It's too painful as it is.

You guys are so lucky that your T are so intuned to that for you. I dread even sending and email to mine. She told me I could email her but her responses are so short that I often wonder if she is really into that. I haven't even tried calling her yet when needed because email was a tester for me and I don't feel safe just yet. I'm too afraid to trust her for that just yet.
Maybe part of it is that my mother never tended to me, and left me in foster homes a couple time. I am so afraid of being too needy that I can barely allow anyone to help me.....it's as if I am constantly watching and waiting for them to fail me....I know that's bad, I just don't know how to change it.

[chaotic13]

My T has always been very professional, not overly warm or fuzzy, but always accepting. I think either our interaction is changing or my perception of her is changing because I'm feeling a warmth that I did notice before.

[cmac13]

My therapist maintains boundaries however she is also open to a variety of approaches depending on what I may need at a given time. I can call her, write to her, share my art journal with her, sit next to her in a session if I need to, schedule extra sessions, she has written letters for me to have in her absense, she even recorded a story she read for me to listen to in case I needed to hear her voice. I think the hardest part to deal with for me is that she is getting older and is retiring from the hospital she is working at, however she assures me that she will continue her private practice and has no plans of retiring from that anytime soon. I still think about her age and something happening to her. I cannot imagine not knowing her. she has told me that she realizes that I will probably always need some kind of contact with her and she says that is ok.

[Perna]

It can take a really long time with a good therapist when one has really early childhood problems. I so identify with what you are saying. I saw my therapist for 9 years and then didn't for 9 and then saw her again for another 9 years so consider myself to have been in therapy with her for about 30 years.

The need for a mother figure did lessen after my stepmother died in 2001 and lots of things changed and came together for me by the time my t and I both retired in 2005.

[(JD)]

I think the fact that YOU are monitoring your relationship, and YOU are concerned about it becoming "out of bounds" is very healthy. The person who generally goes over the line on this stuff doesn't realize it or that it's "wrong" or unhealthy.

So with both of you keeping that boundary in mind, the therapeutic relationship can safely develop. That's a good thing.

[rainbow8]

cmac, I totally identify with what you are saying in your thread. It's like that for me now, with my T, but has never been with any of the other Ts I have seen. My T lets me email her after each session, and emails me back in detail. She lets me hold her hand when I need to. She is letting me have a close relationship with her, which is something I need, but is so scary for me.

I emailed her an article from PC about getting matching teddy bears for client and T, and she wanted to do that. So now we have the bears! Like you said, the relationship is scary but comforting.

Is it scary because you are afraid it will end? I was going to start my own thread about that. It's SO good, this relationhip with my T, that I am afraid it's not going to last. My T tries to reassure me, but I'm still scared. She also says she can see me a long time, and we can still email each other when I'm done with therapy.

I think our Ts know what we need and they don't want to withhold it from us. My former T didn't think it would help to give me what I want and need from her, which is this close relationship, but she was wrong. It's healing for me. We just have to trust our Ts that they don't cross any boundaries when they give us so much.

[sugahorse1]

I discussed this issue with T in our last session. I am too scared to get too attached. I battle with abandonment issues too, and also just want a loving, motherly figure.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by cmac13

I will probably always need some kind of contact with her and she says that is ok.

Yes I think I will always need it too, I know when I begun therapy and was worried about lenght of time she said she had people that she still saw after 20yrs, and there are people that eventually only come once every 3 months or so and yes I can see that would be very useful, if as she also said our need for them changes I'm sure even every few months is something I would like to have with her. Glad you feel fulfilled with your T.

[peaches100]

My relationship with my t feels close, but it has been very slow in coming. I've had alot of transference, push-pull, and strong defenses to overcome. I've been in t with her for over 10 years, and it has only been in the last 1 or 2 years that i am starting to feel a secure attachment with her.

My t will hug me or hold my hand if i ask her to, but for years, she wouldn't do it because she feared that it would trigger my past SA. She finally realized it was far more damaging to me to withhold needed comfort when i was in extreme pain. I find that i don't need a hug very often, a little goes a long way. Rather than wanting more and more, it's actually difficult for me to allow myself to have the comfort. But it's helping me slowly to learn how to accept safe touch, and having that comfort from time to time is helping me move forward in the work, rather than the crashing-and-burning i used to always do when my pain overwhelmed my coping stategies.

I've always been able to email her, although she doesn't really like email. I rarely call her, though i do have her cell phone number i can use if an emergency comes up. She is OK with me bringing her a gift in the form of my veggies from my garden, and I have given her poems and cards. She has brought in a little snack once or twice to share with me.

She plans to retire in the next year or two and says that with long-term therapy, there is attachment on both sides and termination is hard for both parties. We've talked a little bit about what will happen to our relationship when she retires. I don't know if i will ever see her again, which makes me feel extremely sad. But she says it would be OK with her for us to have limited phone contact, such as a monthly check-in call. She told me she will always be interested to know how i'm doing.

[sugahorse1]

T's really are such caring people...