I hated session today.

When I went running this morning, I was OVERCOME by anxiety. I almost couldn't finish my run, but I pushed through. I couldn't shake the feeling and was still feeling it when I saw T.

I know we were talking and I was trying to tell him how I was feeling and I'm pretty sure that we were having conversation about stuff, but the voices from outside the room were UNBELIEVABLY triggering to me and I'm not sure I was present at all. At one point I realized how much my head hurt, which happens when I dissociate, and I asked him "do you think I'm all the way here?". He said that I seemed to be in my head a bit. I know I told him how triggering the voices were. I remember saying that I thought my memory of the session was going to be from the outside - from up in the corner of the room, looking down. And, actually, that's pretty much how it is. There are me and T, and I can't quite hear what we're saying.

I think I needed T to push me a little. I think T wants to make sure I'm safe. SO, looking back, I think we had different agendas. That's what it feels like.

It just all felt yucky and distant and hard.

Towards the end, I realized I couldn't stand it anymore, so I sat up and said "we need to do something different". He asked if I wanted to draw, and I said "no". He asked if I wanted to sit on the floor, and I did. We moved to the floor and leaned against the couch next to each other and I felt a MILLION times safer. All of that big furniture -the couch, the chairs, the desk -just made me feel SO much more contained and safe.

So we finished the session on the floor, kind of half-laying with our heads against the couch and our feet on the furniture in front of us. We told each other some stories.

As soon as I left the safety of that spot, ALL of my anxiety came rushing back in.

I left T a message and told him that I hate how it feels to need to GET SOMETHING OUT but to not be able to it. Instead of feeling free, I feel caged, trapped, scared, on guard.

I wish T would have pushed just a little harder. He pushes when he senses that I really need to get something out to feel some relief. Maybe we just weren't tuned in to each other. Or maybe T decided that this anxiety was better than whatever I'd feel if I talked. I don't know.

It does feel yucky though And I only see him once next week and that feels scary. ACK.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I left T a message and told him that I hate how it feels to need to GET SOMETHING OUT but to not be able to it. Instead of feeling free, I feel caged, trapped, scared, on guard.

Hi Tree,
It sounds like you are working very hard with T. Lately I have been thinking about how these things just dwell right there in our subconscious leaving those icky feelings. I dislike not knowing why I am feeling so crappy... and how I have to wait for T to drag it all out again...
Good for you for leaving that message... many kudos for working so hard...

Elana

And the spiral begins.

I don't know if it's a spiral exactly. I just know I didn't do what I needed to do today in therapy.

It's been REALLY LOUD in my head. T knows that. I'm losing time and feel about half-present all the time. T knows that too.

I need to ask for what I need, and I couldn't figure out how. I need a way out. I know I need to talk. Today sucked. I'm stuck with everything and it hurts and it's confusing and it's making me miss out on the life that's going on around me

I want a do-over. BIG time. I can't stand this drifty place I'm in.

[jexa]

((((tree))))) I am struggling to respond as I am a bit triggered right now but I wanted to give hugs and say I'm right there with you. Can you try some self-soothing? Try to knit or drink some tea? Can you try a mindfulness exercise perhaps? Or maybe try to locate where the feelings are inside? Like, in what part of your body? And maybe try to solidify the "object" of that feeling and put some space around it inside?

I wish I could help more.. when do you see T again?

Does it help some to talk about it here?

[gelfling]

((((((((((((treehouse))))))))))))))) it is so hard when you are anxious to have so many distractions that really help fuel the anxiety

jexa's suggestions all sound really good...might try some of them myself......hoping you find a level of comfort this day and that you an t are able to use todays session in the future so you dont experience this level of frustration or yuck again.

[WePow]

(((((Tree))))) Sometimes T can't make the yucks go away. Even when they want to more than anything. It is a part of having a trauma core (as my T calls it). Sometimes all a T can do is just BE with us. At least then we will not feel so alone. Perhaps he didn't push you because he could tell you were in that bad place and he didn't want to make it worse. So instead, he was doing what he felt you really needed rather than what you might think you need in this state. You know he is there for you.

I am sorry you are in the bad place right now. BIG BIG safe kind hugs to you!

((((((((((PC)))))))))))

Tonight at my meditation, part of the discussion reminded me of two of the things in life that I find the greatest joy in...two things that I do that make me completely present, and usually, happy. And something quieted down inside.

On Wednesday of this week, I decided to "take the day off" and put all of my walls up. By the end of the day, I was SO dissociated, and was having such a hard time hanging on to "ME".

This morning, I *needed* to talk about what I needed to talk about. I am learning that the more I let myself be with what is REAL - whether it's trauma or joy or something in between - and the less I have to push push push everything away, the more I can finally let myself be in the moment and be okay. Pushing everything away makes me push MYSELF away. If I can stop the pushing away, then I can stay present and not split into a bunch of "treehouses" to get through the day.

By this afternoon, I was SO lost. Apparently I left him a message in the middle of the day at some point, but I don't remember doing it. T left me a message responding to that one, which is what clued me in. I'm still not sure what I said. In his message, T said he is going to call me tomorrow at 12:30 and we are going to do a 90 minute session on Tuesday instead of 50 minute, since I can only see him once next week.

Now that I've had a taste of feeling whole, and of just being able to BE, I want more of that. I'm so tired of being shattered into so many pieces.

[Kiya]

i like you current clarity on "this is what is happening, i don't like it, i want this instead". also your clarity on separation (splitness) of self and how it is to be "whole". all good work! it is! yay you for saying what you need and doing your work outside the therapy time.

[googley]

(((((((((Tree))))))))))

I only have hugs right now. But I wanted to let you know that I hope you are feeling better. You are doing so great. I'm glad you are having a longer session next week.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((((((((PC)))))))))))
Pushing everything away makes me push MYSELF away... Now that I've had a taste of feeling whole, and of just being able to BE, I want more of that. I'm so tired of being shattered into so many pieces.

Hi Tree,
I can relate to this.

Sending caring thoughts your way.

Elana

[sittingatwatersedge]

>>> Tonight at my meditation, part of the discussion reminded me of two of the things in life that I find the greatest joy in...two things that I do that make me completely present, and usually, happy. And something quieted down inside.
I'm so glad to hear this!

>>> T said he is going to call me tomorrow at 12:30 and we are going to do a 90 minute session on Tuesday instead of 50 minute, since I can only see him once next week.

Trree, this is great. He really takes good care of you. I hopoe you are more at peace now.

[WePow]

(((((Tree))))) You are inspiring! It is something amazing to feel when the insides calm down and we are able to see the forest rather than the trees :-)