[jexa]

So. I met my new therapist.

And I really like her. It's weird and unexpected to like her already, but I do. She's very comprehensive, very to-the-point, but never made me feel rushed or silenced. She noticed every flicker of emotion, and often commented on it. She seems like she has a quiet strength about her. I liked her office. Very therapisty. I liked her style. She was careful.

At first I wasn't sure if she was "too professional" but actually now I like her professionalism, now that I've met her in person. It's not as cold as I thought it was going to be. It's actually very warm and soothing.

She asked for my history. I told her as much as I could but could not tell her at all even a little bit about any of the SA stuff. I told her about the bullying in middle school, the chaos at home, how mean my dad is and was, my relationship with my parents and siblings, my history in therapy, all of that. She wanted to know my whole life story, and basically that was most of today's session. It was.. pretty anxiety-provoking, but manageable. I got pretty tense and I had to stop to just breathe for a few moments at several different points in the session, especially when she kept using the word "abuse." I hate that word. She asked if there was any sexual trauma and I sort of nodded, but I couldn't talk about that at all. Just her asking the question made my vision blur and I just felt so weird and thought I was going to have a panic attack but then it subsided.. She said we could put it on the shelf. My heart is pounding just remembering it.

She says she wants me to at least give the DBT group a try. She understands my fear. It sounds like she's fine working with me whatever I decide, but she seems to think I'd get a lot out of DBT. So, I told her I'd talk to the person at the DBT group and see.

She told me if anything comes up, I should feel free to give her a call. I have a feeling things are going to come up but I don't really feel comfortable calling her. I feel really shifty and weird inside right now.. and keep having.. thoughts.. ughhhh.

I see her again on November 4. I wish I didn't have to do every other week but it's all I can afford for now. In any case, I like her. I think things are going to be fine.

[rainbow8]

I am very happy for you, Jexa. For a first appointment with a new T, I think you did great, especially so soon after your last session with your former T!! It takes time to get to know a new T, but first impressions are important, and the fact that you liked her is good to hear!!

[Gus1234U]

how lovely, Jexa~! i'm so happy for you~! and i really do hope you give the DBT group a try, the first part at least is the very very useful skill of Mindfulness, which will serve you well,, forever~~~ please keep us updated ~!! Gus

[googley]

Jexa-
I'm so glad that you found someone who you like. I'm glad that you like how she is. I don't think it is a problem that you didn't get to cover everything. Some things take time.

[jexa]

Thanks guys..

Things are coming up after all about my session today. I feel sick to my stomach and I can't get my mind off of the things I said. They are just spinning and spinning in my head. I wish she hadn't said the things she did, about how I must have felt when I was young. I am so upset and grinding my teeth. I can't cry but I wish I could. I don't even know. I feel weird and ick and like I want to hide under the covers.

Ugh. Why did I say all that so soon. Jesus Christ.

Jexa,

I'm encouraged by your post, but nervous too as I prepare to meet a new T and have no idea how much we'll cover.

All I can say is I know how vulnerable this must all feel, and I also trust that you will be okay.

[WePow]

(((((Jexa)))))) You did so great with going in like that :-) Be sure to do something extra special for a reward. I am very proud of you!!! :-)

[BlackCanary]

I encourage you to look at it in a different way
say "Wow, I am SO amazing that I could tell her so much stuff in the very first visit! I never could have done that 2 years ago!" and
"Golly, I got all that information out and I did not catch on fire or implode!"
You have to give yourself credit for an amazing accomplishment. She's thinking how brave you were!

It's great you were comfortable - it means that you are coming in with good skills for therapy, you know how to "do" therapy. Of course, it will just take time to truly feel good and comfortable like an old sweatshirt and slippers.
Breathe.
Journal.
Hug yourself

((((((((((((((((((jexa))))))))))))))))

I used to have that awful feeling every time I disclosed ANYTHING to T. Ugh. I know it feels awful.

Usually, seeing him at the next session would calm things down...I needed to experience being with him and seeing that I was still okay.

I know your next session is far away. Could you call if you need to??

Sometimes the night after a session, I feel HORRIBLE, but getting back into the flow of life the next day helps. I hope tomorrow brings you some relief.

Be gentle with you

[googley]

((((((((Jexa))))))))

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time with what happened. You will be okay. Do something nice for yourself. Call her if you need to. You should use what she provides. She wouldn't have said to call her if she didn't want you to. Please take care of yourself.

[zooropa]

I'm glad you seemed to have a connection with her right away, Jexa. So glad.

I wonder what "therapisty" looks like, lol.

I'm not surprised you're having things come up after the session today. I think your T must have anticipated that, too, which is why she told you to call her. So, please, if you think it might help, even a little, call her.

I remember so clearly my T telling me, during my first session, to call her before I SI or if anything came up and her handing me her card and me thinking "yeah RIGHT. Why would I call you? I don't even know you and I hate talking on the phone." And it did take me several months before I called her for the first time, but...well, obviously I call her all the time now.

So I'm just saying, I know it feels weird for a relative stranger to say "call me" and I also know she means it and she can help, but only if you let her.

stay safe, Jexa.

[doogie]

Jexa - so glad your experience with new T was a good one. Having only had one T, I can't imagine what it would be like, but it sounds like you did great! Proud of you!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Jexa there is SO MUCH LESS STRESS in this report. that is very happy news.

[jexa]

Thanks guys so much. I really CAN'T call her though -- it would be too anxiety-provoking! I don't even know her and I would just feel worse if I were to call her. I am so today though, my stomach churning and I just keep thinking, I don't know, lots of things, like I shouldn't have said anything, like she probably thinks I am an ungrateful spoiled brat for complaining about my parents, like I'm awful, horrible, greedy and.. agh. All of you are saying I did well but I just think I should have said more about the good stuff instead of making everything sound like my whole life was so hard or whatever. I did have good times and I totally discounted them the whole time we were talking. I just complained and complained and complained. I feel like such a WHINER. Ohhh I wish this feeling would go aWAY.

And I'm SO embarrassed that I got so visibly anxious in front of her!

zoo.. her office is "therapisty" because the couches are big and comfy, there is lots of art and books, the paint on the walls is a soothing green, the lights are not harsh at all, lots of natural light through the windows, and her office is in an old house with a bunch of other small businesses.

I wish I could go home from work right now. I am mentally and physically exhausted and soo nauseous. I hate anxiety. I hate myself right now too.

I wish I could tell her NOW -- "MY PARENTS DID THE BEST THEY COULD" and "I HAD A HAPPY CHILDHOOD" and "LIFE ISN'T SO BAD" and "I'M SORRY!!!!!!!"

Last night I was pacing in my house and got really stuck on "sorry" -- kept saying "sorry" out loud over and over again. I'm sorry. I don't know.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Jexa
If you went to see a therapist and said, my parents were no problem to me and my life is fine, would you expect her to wonder whether you were in the wrong office and should be visiting the travel office next door?

People experience others in a certain way, it may be that they were too young to understand the whole story or maybe not. Please give yourself time to find out which it is before you judge yourself. I am betting that the T is not judging you. She is learning to see through your eyes yes? And if that's how it looks to you, she has to know it. Please go easy on yourself.

Jexa,

Who taught you that being honest = whining? Who taught you that being authentic and taking care of yourself = being an ungrateful spoiled brat??

I highly highly doubt your new T sees you this way. I know the people here don't.

Try not to judge your feelings right now. They're normal, and expressing them honestly is what you need to do to heal. You're not burdening anyone.

[jexa]

I can't even really process this so I am just going to try to forget about it. I can't judge one way or the other whether I was right or wrong to say everything.. I'm in sensory overload and I've been agitated and irritable all day. I don't know what to do about this feeling at all. I can't believe I have to wait another two whole weeks to settle it. I still don't want to call though. It would only make things worse. No one can take this feeling away from me, because what's said is said already. I miss my old T..

Old T.






BLAH.

[rainbow8]

Jexa, I just want to give you some hugs:

[ECHOES]

Jexa, I'm glad that you like the new T ! Her office sounds really inviting and comfortable.
I'm glad you have found a way to tolerate your post session discomfort with good reassuring thoughts that this is new and it only feels uncomfortable right now, and it will get better.

You really are very strong to be able to do this while mourning and missing your old T. I'll bet she would be so proud of your being open and honest in your very first session!!

[googley]

((((((((((((((((Jexa)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are in so much distress. I wish I could take it all away. I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself. Be proud of yourself for that. You haven't let yourself slip back into bad coping strategies! That is great.

I think that during the intake session, Ts expect to hear about the hard things in our lives. These are the things we will need to address in T. They want to know what the hard stuff is so they can get an idea of where treatment is going to go. They have time to hear all the good stuff too.