Does your therapist touch you?

I'm just trying to get an idea of how much therapists other than my own use physical touch. My psychologist started out by just comforting me when I was upset with a hand on the shoulder. Then it turned into holding hands, then hugging, prolonged hugging, massaging, laying on the couch. He seems to think this is appropriate in therapy with someone who has trauma in their background. At first I thought this touch was helpful to me, but in the end it ended up hurting me pretty bad. I've posted on other threads, but I am involved in a lawsuit against this therapist (more than just the kind of touch I mentioned above took place). So, anyway, now that I'm not longer under his spell I want to ask the rest of you how much your therapist uses touch and how you feel about it. He claimed it was fairly common. Thanks!

Brilliant, I am sorry that you were put into this situation. It is not right for a T to do this. A T has an obligation to establish and maintain a safe place for the client.

My T does give me a safe hug at the end of our sessions. We do not hold hands, and I would not be comfortable with that level of contact. I know my T would not even suggest that for me. But I have heard of that and do believe that it can be healing in the proper context. I do not see where massaging should ever enter into this type of therapy.

For me, the hug is very healing - because it is extra safe. Everything about the way he hugs me is respectful and professional. I do know of some male t's who do not hug at all, and I can't blame them. I would worry about any T who initiates physical contact with a client without the client expressly being able to use the physical contact as a direct tool for healing.

Brilliant-
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I am glad you are no longer seeing him.

I have seen seven different Ts in my life and none of them have ever used touch as part of therapy.

I hope for healing for you.

I am sorry you are going through this with your therapist.
All my therapists have been female (I am afraid to see a male T) and none of them have ever touched me in any way actually, not even a handshake.

I am glad you are no longer with this T and are filing a lawsuit against him, as his behavior was totally out-of-line and abusive. He should lose his license for taking advantage of you like that. He probably did it with other clients too!

He was totally wrong if he made you think that touching you would heal your trauma. Maybe the touch on your shoulder was okay, and possible holding your hand, but these should have done with your full permission and with a discussion of it before he ever touched you. Obviously, he was meeting his needs, not yours. I don't think touch is fairly common in therapy at all. He sounds like a manipulative person who has major problems of his own!

I do think touch can have a place in therapy, though. I've only seen women Ts and none of them ever touched me until my current T. We talked about what a baby/child part of me needed, and she let me hold her hand. It was healing to me, and in no way out-of-line. She gives hugs to clients, but hasn't hugged me because I'm not comfortable with it.

People on this forum will tell you that their male Ts hug them, and it's appropriate. But the behavior of your T, going further than that, and lying on the couch is not appropriate. Those are red flags.

Are you going to see a new T? I hope that you find one who is competent and will not take advantage of you. You deserve to have that!

Thanks so much for all of your replies. I am glad I asked this question. I do believe that my former (yes I am completely out of the relationship now) therapist is a total narcissist. He just really duped me and in a major way. He used regression a lot and then talked to the inner child. He became the perfect father to her. UGH. This makes me sick to talk about. Thank you all for the replies. Can someone tell me when you should flag posts with a "trigger" symbol. Several times I've posted and someone has edited it and added that symbol. I sure hope I didn't do anything wrong or break any rules. I just want help and to know that he was completely out of line. Obviously my attorney believes he was and I'm pretty sure the state board will too when they find out about this.

brilliant mind,

My t does not touch me though this is a very thought provoking topic. I actually just googled an article on this today. The article talked about how there is a use for theraputic touch and how there are ways to have that "touch" without the actual physical contact. For example they listed body mirroring and other ways to communicate that expression of touch. My therapist does do this with me. It reminded me of a time where I felt a strong connection to him. (which does not happen very often and in fact this was one of my top three therapy moments ever!) I was in the middle of something intense for me and I looked up from staring at who knows where and was focusing on his chest and I realized that both of us were breathing in sinc with eachother and with the same intensity. I felt connected, I felt that I was being cared for. I don't know how to explain it except for saying it was just one of those plain old weird moments in life that stay with you even though it doesn't seem like a big deal. I would not be a good candidate for incorporating touch into therapy due to my history so I do appreciate how my t shows me in other ways. I am very sorry that your t took total advantage of you and this t-technique. I hope that you have another therapist or trusted person that can help you through this difficult and extremely unfair situation. Please remember that your therapist has been unethical with your treatment and you are not to blame for any of this. Take good care of yourself and please let us know if we can help you in any way.

Obviously you know it was out of boundaries (by a LOT) and not right...but my T has only shook my hand the first time I met her, and if I've had a particularly rough session, she'll sort of pat me on the shoulder on my way out. If it was ever any more than that, I think I'd be very uncomfortable.

I think it's important that it's on your terms. I have never touched my T aside from a handshake upon meeting, and don't believe I ever will want or need to. I really liked my last T and debated giving her a hug goodbye. But then it really didn't feel right to me (any more than it would hugging my GP).

I've hugged some of my therapists, mostly when we end therapy (like termination) so on that last day. Only remember one time where I held hands with a therapist and it was a good experience enough for me. Other than that, shaking hands with my former pdoc, and that's it.

my previous t had thought some safe touching would help me - he suggested wrapping me in a blanket and sitting next to me with his arm around me - but just the thought of it freaked me out. he never would have done any touch without discussing it with me first

I'm so sorry that someone you should have been able to trust has hurt you so badly.

My T doesn't touch me. I asked her why not quite early on, because I worried it was because she felt uncomfortable with me because I'm gay. She told me she doesn't generally do that anyway, and she felt it would be too confusing for me. This made sense because it took me quite a while to work out that I want her to be my mother rather than my lover. Now that I have worked it out, I do sometimes crave her touch, and quite often have dreams where she holds me. Whenever I bring it up, her reply is always that this is a firm boundary for her. This feels ok in the context of all the other things she does do for me, and I try to appreciate the healing aspects of the dreams as meeting the need for touch.

I do expect this to flare up as an issue again though as my partner is moving to a country that's a 24 hr flight away, and I am already anticipating the loss of touch in my daily life, and suspect that I will put this on the therapeutic relationship.

I have been in therapeutic-like relationships before where touch has become overly important (e.g. I'd spend the whole time together wondering whether I'd get a hug at the end, or how to get to hold their hand again), so I also experience her refusal as freeing in some way- I know it isn't going to happen, so I can use my thoughts and energy on words and receiving her words.

I also try to remember that the reality would actually be very awkward, and nothing like adult-child contact I imagine/dream about, because I'm very tall and she's absolutely tiny!

Of course he would, and what a typical abuser "line" (of malarcky!).

I am sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you are out of that relationship and I hope it hasn't soured you on the idea of good therapy. Regression doesn't have to mean acting out younger states, but rather it's about thinking and responding without the defenses we acquire along the way.

I originally craved a hug from my therapist, and asked and was gently refused. I have learned there are other ways to connect that are wonderful. Wanting comfort is still there for me, but sometimes I can feel that in the relationship. Other times, I still want that hug. But now I want it in addition to talking (had a hard time talking the first year) and not in place of talking.

When reading this: "But then it really didn't feel right to me (any more than it would hugging my GP). " it dawned on me that I actually DO hug my physical doctor. I only see him once a year, but when I first started seeing him, he did an operation that saved me a huge amount of pain from some internal scaring due to the early childhood abuse. I had to explain to him a very small amount of my past trauma because he wanted to know how I ended up with that type of injury when it was not normal at all. When I told him, he had such a look of compassion. He asked me if he could give me a hug and I was very glad to get one. So now once a year at the end of the exam when we are saying good bye, he smiles and gives me a sideways hug.

It is so strange how people have different needs in this area. And until just now, I never even thought twice about THAT hug!

Sorry you have to go thru this, it isn't right at all.

My T either reaches out to shake my hand at the end of the session, or pats me on the shoulder on the way out. I don't like either though. Funny, because I am a huggy person, I hug all my H's friends when they visit...all my kids friends too. I do have a real hard time with handshakes though, they feel unclean and germy to me. As far as T goes...I prefer no contact at all.

My T has hugged me a few times after some especially intense sessions, and once after I was discharged from the hospital. Honestly, sometimes I want to ASK for a hug, but never have. I need human contact right now. I actually asked my pastor for a hug yesterday, and it was wonderful. Maybe I will work up enough guts to do it in today's session. He's always telling me I need to ask for what I need...but I am afraid of rejection, even boundary related rejection.

I've been with my t for several years, and she only just recently became comfortable enough to offer me a hug or hand hold if i get into too much pain in our trauma work. She initially was very reluctant to offer physical contact because of my SA background. But i felt that i very much needed it at times, and it was a source of friction for us. Finally, she offered a hug a couple of times and seeing that it was healing for me rather than damaging, she feels OK offering it when i need it. However, she has never held me in prolonged hugs or massaged me. And we are both female.

Male T - handshake only at the end of a session. I asked to hug, he said no, not much explanation. He squeezed my hand once in a session.
Female T - I asked her to hold my hand, and then she hugged me -- the day I told my story. She's hugged me at the end of most sessions since then. She is very clear about the type of clients she is willing to touch and will explain it.

I have hugged my internist, she is awesome and has taken great care of me. She was very happy to hug me back.

My therapist has touched me twice in almost 2 years. I wish she would touch me more or give me hugs. Maybe that is her professional boundary though. Maybe I should ask why she doesn't touch!

Yeah, the touch started out as just supportive stuff but then it ended up being much, much more than that. And many times I'd feel that he had an erection, but he'd tell me it was totally normal. He also told me that he felt he would be able to heal some of my childhood sexual abuse by providing safe touch to my genitals... and I let him do it. I regret it all. I feel stupid that I ever agreed to it. I just wanted to get better. I've had a long history of clinical depression and suicidal ideation. I tried so many different avenues to get better (medications, talk therapy, primal therapy, religion, meditation, hypnosis) and when he said this was a technique that could help heal me, I was willing to take the risk. I really appreciate all of you telling me your experiences with touch. I am sure now that he was lying to me about how common it is. I really do feel your support and I'm glad I was finally able to tell someone else about it. I feel relieved.

Safe hugs for you brilliant mind.

Ditto. Safe hugs only for you.

brilliant mind - you are so brave. i hope you have some healing in knowing that your actions may prevent him from hurting anyone else or at least some relief that he can't continue to hurt you, but i am soo sorry that you had to experience it - he is a predator - he knows who to pray upon and how to work them into his web - that therapist should be in jail -

There is a type of therapy called "body psychotherapy" where they use touch and something called "biodynamic massage". But this is always with the client's initial consent. And definitely nothing sexual.

Very good topic - there's a part of me that would really like ot be touched in some way, even if it's just a hand on the shoulder or similar - this is because I battle with feeling lonely and abandoned, and it means the world to me to know someone cares. But we sit on opposite couches, so it's not really an option. And I'm not brave enough to ask that question, scared that I'll overstep boundaries, and scared it'll be an emotional moment that I will crave for the rest of my life and not be able to ever self-sooth. It's scary for me to contemplate, but at the same time something I crave for so dearly.