my T sesson.kind of strange

i am use to checking out in therapy.it is a common accurence.although this time it went to all new levels.has this happened to anyone.i was looking out the window and then at a tissue box on the table the desighns on the corner of the tissue box started to move.i thought it would just be a fleeting thing so looked down at the carpet and saw words in kind of like a sighn formvibrating around then started moving accross the small carpet on floori for some reason dont remember what the words are but i do remember the letter R.i followed the words accross the carpet and T called my name i looked at her and i couldnt make out her face at all infact i couldnt make sence of much.i just kept looking at her trying to make sence of her face and i couldnt.it was like a part of my brain that recognised things and made sence just snaped.i finely looked down and after a few min things cleared up.has this ever happened to them.it use to to me but not in a long time.in fact i was in a state hospital at the time.i'm scared im just getting worse and i dont know what to do.i couldnt tell her any of it as usural i was frozen.
she was ok with the fact that i couldnt find words untill all this it was nice to be with her

yes use to happen to me in the earlier yrs with T. I once saw the image of jesus on her rug and the wood grains in her furniture would begin moving...

I can understand how that could happen. I'm glad that you are okay with the fact that this happened in therapy. This is really important that you accepted what happened. Fighting what is going on with us is a big waste of energy.

((((Granite))))) That dissociative event with T sounded like you were triggered at a very internal level. My T calls it the "trauma core" when I am triggered that deeply.
There is something that made you retreat into that zone, but it does take work to find out why you were triggered. Was it safer in some way than what was going on in session at the time?

I can tell how well I'm doing by how I see the patterns in T's office. If it just looks like "office", I'm probably okay-ish. When I get deeply triggered and scared, I start to see really scary stuff in the patterns on the pillows, carpet, etc. And it feels like the room gets really small.

I remember once, I was SO scared of the patterns on one of his pillows. T worked with me until I could pick it up and toss it across the room. Touching it took some of it's "magic" away.

I just told T at my last session that i wondered if all T's had rugs, pillows, etc. with ornate patterns in their offices, because it's like an ink blot test. When i see the scary stuff, I'm in a really bad place. When it looks normal, I'm fine. And when I have a moment of real connection, freedom, and joy, everything looks extra beautiful.

That hasn't happened to me in a T's office, but it has happened to me in other places. For me it's more frightening after the episode then during it.

I'm really sorry that you dissociated during t...it is so scary to have your mind do things without your will.

((((((((((((((((((((((((( granite ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

you are trying hard. That's very brave.

i have to say it was not all that comfortable.i really havent gone so far out of it in a log time.it made me scared that i was getting worse going to therapy and not better

do you think it could have been fear .i know i was really scared and not ok?i dont really know what triggered it probibly will never know.

this made me laugh i can see this LOL.i was wanting to just run out of the office but i was to confused to move and didnt wanrt T to know what was going on.couldnt let her know anyway.now i just wonder if she could see on my face what was going on.and thats why she said my name and said HI.and waved but that didnt even bring me out of it.it usually will for a little bit.i really was on my own with this one.

this use to happen to me a lot but i usually was in a hospital or would always have someone in arms length of me in the group homes i was in.i was scared but i did recognise it for what i useto do.i'm more scared that i am getting worse and wonder if T is a good idea

Granite, starting to deal with these things in therapy can make it seem like it is worse but it is only worse until it gets better if you keep going to therapy and working on it. The only way out is through.

Granite, it sounds like your T is very, very gentle with you. I hope you wll feel confident enough to try again.

i am going to go back this happening once is ok but if it starts happening a lot i dont know if i can deal it is kind of scary

i really just worry about how bad it can get.i remember how bad it really was.no T isnt pushing me but what if she does push and i snap.i never want to be back in the hospital.or on any kind of medication either.i worry if this keeps happening and she knows she will try to put me on medication.i will still keep going to t as long as she doesnt push to hard and doesnt start talking about medication

It sounds like your T was aware of your struggling this last session and that she was gentle. I wouldn't think that she would push you when she sees you like this.

i remember she said this week we can maybe make our own feeling faces because she thinks the ones she has dont have enough feelings on them.so i really dont think she has plans to push me to much either and that will be good