Therapists Retraumatizing the Client by NOT Hugging on Request

"Newsflash for all therapists of all orientations: Your clients are generally not stalkers, serial killers or axe-murderers disguised as the depressed, the anxious, the bipolar or the schizophrenic, they are mostly desperately lonely and needy people with compromised interpersonal skills and mostly require a bit of common-sense TLC along with their chosen therapy."

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/unplug...ng-on-request/

yes and no and yes and no and yes and no. My T has already said she thinks a hug would be healing for me, but haven't the guts yet to take one, I think its the "well what do we do next" thing that stops me. I also am weary of the the tone of original qoute, its a bit, well if T's won't hug its because they think clients are either A, b, or c, and I think to give the therapist their due, I doubt its for those reasons that they won't hug, once again I don't like the "victim" angle.

thanks for sharing this pachy....
sometimes, for some people... tough love can be just the thing that throws them over the edge

to all those hurting souls that never ever got a hug when they so so needed it deep inside.

fins

it's a little too black and white for me. There's a huge gray area(beyond the mentioned fears) where it just isn't appropriate to hug a client.

I've hugged my therapist exactly twice. I've been seeing him for 10 years. Neither time out of need, but once out of celebration and once because I was glad to see him after a prolonged and arduous absence. Both at the beginning of a session.

I'm not sure that some therapists chose not to hug based on the client. Some are simply more clinical in their approach to therapy.

In fact, I'm not sure it's my therapist's job to give me a hug if I need one, but to help me to acquire the feeling of being hugged (and not necessarily by him), both in and out of the office.

However, if a hug is refused, and the client has a reaction to that refusal, IMO then the therapist and the client have some work to do to normalize that situation and minimize the re-trauma.

I don't think it's a black and white issue either. It depends. In my situation, my former T was too strict. I think it hurt me when she said a hug wouldn't be good for me. She didn't want to nurture me because she said I would never be satisfied. I was always frustrated in my therapy with her, always trying to get what I thought she couldn't give me. What she said she couldn't, or was it wouldn't, give me.

My new T doesn't make me beg to get affection from her. She doesn't frustrate me. She would have hugged me sooner but I didn't want her to. It wasn't such a big deal because she never refused. I always thought about holding former T's hand but when I brought it up, she made me feel embarrassed for wanting it. Current T just came over and held my hand.

Which is more helpful? I felt addicted to former T, always fantasizing about affection she would never give me. I don't fantasize about my current T. I don't want more from her. She doesn't make me crave anything from her. I don't have to wish she would hug me because she WILL just do it.

Elliemay, these are both excellent points. Hugging is not for everyone (therapists or clients). Both parties have to feel it is comfortable and appropriate. The bigger issues, I would think, is how that request or desire is handled and processed by the therapist with the client.

My T saved my life by giving me a hug when I needed it the most.
Of course it only happened because he has great boundaries and he is very clear with me on everything. And he knows ME. I think / well know / that if on that one day when I needed two hugs that he had said no that he would have spent twenty min extra with me on being sure I knew why and on making sure I was still safe and not at the end of my rope. For him, the hug was able to give me the same (and better) medicine than his words - and took a lot less time to give me while still allowing me to have a true NEED (not a want) met.

I don't think that not having a want or need met by T, whether it's a hug or something else (being friends outside of therapy, for example) is retraumatizing. It may not be pleasant, it may hurt like heck, it may generate lots of things....It may be therapeutic.

My T gently told me no once when I asked. She told me that, if she thought it would be helpful then she would, but she did not think it would be helpful.

Another time, when she was going to have surgery, I asked if I could hug her and she said yes.

So, it is one of those things, part of the process. And I trust her with the process.

I love the:

and then she immediately proceeds to do it in the "opposite" direction, tell her readers what "all" clients want

my t hugs me when i get there and when i leave. but we're both huggy people. it also helps me feel more safe and connected. is there transference? you bet, but we've discussed it and it's okay for right now. it's helpful for me to have that connection at this point. i think i shook my last t's hand once when i met him and never had any physical contact again and that was okay. when i was seeing him, i was at a point in my life that it would have freaked me out if he had tried to give me a hug. i think there are so many variables that it isn't a black/white issue. hey, i just thought of something as not being black/white! amazing!

For me my therapist believes if a client asks for a hug she gives them one. She has said that sometimes the most therapeutic thing that comes out of a session on a given day might be the hug (usually at the end of the session) and she says that's OK. I know personally there are times when she hugs me and it makes all the difference in the world.

I have never had to ask but he has given me hugs on occasion and I melt. I really do. It's hard to let him go.

My T has never given me a hug. I recall seeing him hug another client once, during her last group session...and it was a long, comforting hug...and T knew that I had a reaction to it because he called me out on it during the next group session. (How embarrassing!)....

Anyway, my T doesn't even do handshakes, let alone hugs...(unless I guess when you terminate? who knows)....but one of the other T's that works with him hugs me all the time...EXCEPT when my T is around. He told me that he doesn't hug clients around T because my T frowns upon hugging clients.

My T does handshakes on occasion, but even that feels strange to me. Usually he offers me a coffee or sometimes a tea which is A-Ok with me (maybe this is our version of a hug?).

Is the hugging angle more of a female desire? Any males on here like hugs from a same sex therapist? I would personally feel uncomfortable with a hug from my T (he's a dude).
I think your T should beat up the non-hug T

I think each case is completely different and that the decision whether or not to hug the client is based on alot of things: the t's position on touching, the client's desire or aversion to touch, past history, etc.

In my case, "not" hugging me was definitely retraumatizing. The times i needed it were when i got into such intolerable emotional pain that i could not bring myself back out. It created the same scenario i experienced as a child, where i was in intolerable pain and nobody noticed or did anything to help. My t knows this about me now and is willing to provide that comfort when i need it. I don't need it often, but when i do, i do.

I wanted to add that these times when i needed a hug i was usually somewhat dissociated into a past child-type state and unaware of and unable to access my adult side to ground myself. I was stuck in the past and needed some literal physical reminder that i was not going through it all alone again.