ow.

okay. I got a response. My kids got here to spend the night about 3 minutes after I got Ts email, so I didn't have much time to process it, but it made me cry. Happy tears. It made me feel like the hole inside me is a little smaller than it was this morning. It was exactly what i needed to hear.

I always feel a little weird about posting someone else's email, so I'll just post a couple little parts of it. All in all it is over a page long, though.

First, there's this. PHEW! This was probably the biggest part for me.
And then she answered my other questions too:

I mostly just felt, feel, like I can breathe again.

I'm so glad you sent it, and even more glad that she replied. Well done for waiting it out- I know how difficult it feels. It's great that your T is able to reassure you about the timing of the ending. Hope you enjoy the breathing and the time with your kids

Those are awesome replies. I'm so glad that she got back to you.

zoo!!!!!!!!!!! I knew it! This is wonderful -- she really is just the PERFECT T. She won't push you out, she won't force you to leave. Your healing is YOUR journey, zoo! And T recognizes that.

What is DBT? A type of therapy? Is it for only certain disorders? I'll have to look that up.

I like reading professional therapy books because it makes me feel more in control. I like to be in control. Doesn't weird me out at all but I think it does most people. I have a clinical way of detaching when it comes to academia (hyperfocus on certain subjects due to the ADHD).

Feelings can't maintain super intensity for very long. We humans aren't built with the energy to maintain mega-intense/overwhelming feelings for lengthy periods of time, THANK GOD! That would not be good to be walking around at a 10 on the anxiety or anger scale all of the time. Just know it will pass, especially if you try maybe getting your mind off of therapy or something. Can you go out with a friend to dinner or something? Even if you have to go shopping alone to get away from yourself and distract yourself for awhile, that's a good things. I use that method a lot when I'm too focused on negative things, and it works.

That's great. I like that line "We'll get there when we get there." I think that's a good T'ism (add "T'ism" to dictionary autospellcheck!! ) Your T sounds like he has a great head on his shoulders really. Responsiveness in a T is SOOOOOOOOOOOO IMPORTANT! That makes me feel better that you have a good sounding, responsive T.

DBT is a form of cognitive therapy. It stands for dialectical behavior therapy.

I'm glad T wrote you such a reassuring reply!!!

Very good work Zoo. You identified what you needed and then you asked T for it......... Excellent work........

we talked about some of this abandonment stuff today. T reiterated what she said in her email. We talked about being in the moment (I have her now, I don't have to start missing her now when she's right there). T said when I'm done I will be ready and I won't need her anymore.

I talked about how I experience abandonment, and about the big sucking hole inside of me. I told her that I think part of why I fear and avoid abandonment is because I don't feel like a whole person on my own. when I lose someone it feels like I'm losing myself.

T didn't say a lot about that but she sure kept taking lots of notes, lol!

Wow zoo. You took the words out of my mouth.. I feel the same way. I even told T before, "All this neediness inside me has to go somewhere." And that I have a "black hole" inside of me. I also said that my insides are like a "big black tangle." The session after she informed me about her move, I said, "Losing you is like losing myself." AH can you believe I actually said it?

Anyway I'm trying to say I relate. AND I am getting through it. Somehow, I've BEEN able to deal with an abrupt and painful termination even though this festering sickening awful fear of losing myself screams inside of me. It feels like instability, like I am on the edge of a cliff.. but truth is, I never fall off if I stay aware, don't fight it, and don't let myself slip under. The crazy thing is I am pretty much coping and getting through, even WHILE my brain screams. And then, as I continue to do my daily stuff, it goes quiet. Screams again. Goes quiet. I've learned that HAVING the screaming inside isn't actually dangerous. I mean, it's awful and it floors me and it definitely leads to frightening little meltdowns but there's no need to get stuck in WHY I have it and what it MEANS to have it and how to MAKE IT GO AWAY.

It's like the tar baby. Did you ever hear that Brer Rabbit story? The more you punch and punch at the tar baby, the more stuck and stuck you get. Anyway I hope this helps zoo. I'm trying to say, it's okay. You're okay. You'll survive.

((((((jexa)))))

Thank you so much for sharing that. I sometimez get SO wrapped up in questioning why I feel a certain way or how or when it will end. My T tells me exactly what you just said: it doesn't matter why. its okay to feel it and then turn away from it and focus on other things. I don't have to know why or how or when. I just have to breathe and let the emotion do what it does: end. eventually they all end, and I don't even have to do anything to help it along. I just have to keep breathing.

(((((((zoo))))))) I am so proud of you. I can see your growth so clearly in the year or so I've been on PC. I think you're really going to make it!!

Good work..............

((((((((((((Zoo)))))))))))))))))

I am so glad for you! You are sharing YOUR truth! That is so important! Way to go!

thank you, all of you. (((((everyone)))))